A
female
age
30-35,
*acigreen
writes:I've been dating my bf for 7 months. Things moved really fast for us so please no rude comments about that.We met through my brother, they are coworkers. He started hanging out and after. A Few weeks he asked me out on a date. After the date he came back to my place and we had some drinks so he spent the night (on the couch). After that nigh he pretty much moved in. He didn't "officially " pack his things and move in but spent every night at my place. 3 months later his lease was up on his apartment so he moved in with the intentions of looking for a new place but that never happened. I have a two year old son and he has been a father figure in every way since the day he met my son. He drops him off at daycare on his way to work, comes to doctor appointments, swim class etc. and finically has helped support me. (I work part time and go to school part time) A few weeks ago he said he was going out with friends after work to watch the Olympics. We came late that night me said they had beer and wings and watched the Olympics, I thought nothing of it until the next day my when my brother made a comment about the strippers they were at the night before. When I questions it I found out that they had went to a strip bar and that my bf got not one but two lap,dances from the same girl. I was upset that he lied about where they went . When I questioned him he got mad at me. It ended in huge fight. My family (especially my dad and uncle) thinks I'm over reacting ! am I wrong for being upset that he lied to me? And why would he get two lap dances from the same girl. My friends think he is unhappy in our relationship but my dad said that we are looking into things to much.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 March 2014):
 for me the concern is the lying... but I can almost see why he did it.. it was what was NOT planned and it sort of happened. Since he didn't mention it when he got home late or the next morning when things are rushed... perhaps he intended to discuss it with you later that night but your brother beat him to the punch?
NOT saying he was right to not say something ASAP but maybe he was waiting for the right time.
as for a lap dance.. here in my state... a woman in a g string will rub her mostly naked tush on your clothed crotch for extra money. IN my state, you have to SIT ON YOUR HANDS to get a lap dance. I don't get why they are so freaking special... it's just some strange girl grinding on your clothed crotch... no touching allowed. BFD IMO.
I think, IF it was ME (having been to strip clubs and not finding them a big deal) I would be more upset about the lying. I would ask him why he lied what was he afraid of telling me, did he feel guilty and why?
AND I would FORGIVE the LIE Of omission with the CAVEAT that if he EVER lies (either a full blown lie or a lie of omission) EVER again, then it's over and done.
But his rationale for lying to me about where he was needs to make sense.
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (3 March 2014):
 I did think of that as I was typing, but in cases like this I consider the giving as bad as the receiving.
If a man doesn't want his girlfriend giving lap dances to other men then he shouldn't be paying other women to give them to him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2014): I have to disagree Ciar, I think your analogy is flawed. A more accurate and logical comparison would be if she went to see male strippers like the Chippendales or something which men are actually fine with. The shoe on the other foot isn't her stripping for another guy. I have no problem with my wife going to see a male stripper and she has plenty of times at hen parties and stuff. She too wouldn't care if I did either.
We've actually gone to strip clubs together and enjoyed private lap dances. You'd be amazed how different it is as a couple, there's a lot less focus on the sexual aspect and more on the art of the tease which is great.
Not everyone sees exotic dancing as dirty and sinful. My wife thinks it's an art form as relevant as ballet. I mean pole dancing is even a fitness craze now, that all comes from stripping. If you do a quick google search and look for the pole dancing world championships you'll find some amazing routines.
The OP doesn't have an issue with it so why try and create one in her mind?
OP why would you order the same thing twice? Because it was good right? The same thing applies to strippers. It's a dance, some will be better than others and stripping has more to do with skill than looks. The best lap dance I ever got was from a woman that wasn't at all pretty, but the things she could with her body, the skill and her movement created a great experience.
Who would you rather a lap dance from OP, Miley Cyrus or Beyoncé? I would say Beyoncé because she can actually dance. When she moves she exudes sensuality while Miley looks like an awkward 12 year old at a school disco. My point is he didn't choose a dance with the same girl twice because he has a thing for her, he did so because she was a great at her job. There was no special meaning behind it, OP, like anything in life if a service you get is good you'll go for that again, stripping is no different.
Maybe you should go some time and check it out. Try not to let insecurity get the better of you, he wasn't there because you aren't good enough, or aren't pretty or anything like that, you don't come into the equation. That's like saying you're insecure about your skiing ability because he was watching the best skiers in the world compete in the Olympics and wanted to watch a replay of the race because it was that good. He didn't go there because he's missing anything at home, he went there after getting a bit drunk with your brother and just wanted to ramp up the excitement of the night.
Now people can criticise your brother, uncle, father and imply that they're dickheads for not pandering to your insecurity but they're only right if you can say they're not protective of you. My feeling is that they'd take a bullet for you without question, and would destroy your boyfriend if he ever stepped out of line with you. So in that regard and the fact you don't mind strip clubs you should look for a way to resolve this with him amicably. Maybe he doesn't want to talk about it because of the approach you're taking and it's time to try a different route.
This situation matters to you, OP and it needs to be resolved so he can't ignore it forever. But examine how you approached it and see if how you did was too accusatory or confrontational and try a softer approach. This may be a deal breaker, feminist issue to some of the other aunts here, but to you it's simply a matter of you wanting to make it clear to your partner that you'd prefer full disclosure on this kind of thing.
He wasn't lying at all and you know that. Maybe he didn't tell you directly because he knows this may be your reaction, either way find a way of getting around this but also not making it as big a deal as it has become. You have a good relationship, but talking matters and communication is important on your side too. It's not a big deal but it is a long lasting one that will grow into a big deal. Maybe instead of trying to talk about it just tell him you don't mind strip clubs just tell me in future please and let that be the end of it. This is not a battle worth fighting, it wasn't a huge mistake.
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (3 March 2014):
I have mixed feelings about strip clubs and my approach would depend on the circumstances of each case. Specifically requesting and paying for another woman to gyrate naked on his lap is something else entirely. And doing it in front of your friends or family members demonstrates, publically, just how insignificant what you think is. Let's put the proverbial shoe on the other foot. What would your boyfriend, your father or your uncle have to say if you had given another man a lap dance behind your boyfriend's back but right in front of his friends or family members (or even in front of your father or uncle)?This is one of those instances where some men expect women to accept a standard of conduct from a partner far below what they themselves would tolerate.
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A
female
reader, Macigreen +, writes (2 March 2014):
Macigreen is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not upset about him going to the strippers. If it was a nightly or weekly thing yes I might be worried but to go out with a bunch of guys once in a while doesnt bother me. I think (thought) our relationship was more solid then having to worry about that.
Yes they did go out to a local pub for drinks and to watch the Olympics. After that the decided to go to the strippers. I'm upset that he didn't just say he went. And how he acted when I questioned him about it. If I try to bring it up so he can understand if he went out again I wouldn't be upset as long as he was honest about it he gets upset and says I'm trying to fight with him or walks away,
I also upset about the lap dance , more self conscience then anything I guess. We have a good relationship, he seems happy and we have a good sex life so I'm confused on why he would get two lap dances from the same girl.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2014): Unlike Ciar, I'm absolutely astonished that your father is being so dismissive. It's one thing to be roped into going to a strip club while out for a night with friends but quite another to engage an individual stripper's professional services on a one-to-one basis. That your boyfriend did so twice suggests to me that he doesn't respect you as a woman, and that your father and uncle are taking his side suggests that they don't either.At the risk of being guilty of making rude comments, if I were your father (and I'm old enough to be your grandfather) then I'd be very concerned that my daughter who apparently became pregnant as a teenager by a guy who's now out of the picture has now allowed a virtual stranger to move in with her and my two-year-old grandson.Truth is you rushed into a live-in relationship way too fast, and it's potentially harmful for your son to be bonding with a faux-father figure whom you barely know and who likely will be out of his life within a relatively short time. Sorry, but he really doesn't need to witness strange men parading in and out of Mommy's bedroom. At the very least boyfriend needs to find his own place to live while you two get to know each other because this very likely isn't going to be the only unpleasant surprise you'll be learning about him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2014): The lying / forgetting to mention it is a problem. It's deception - not a good foundation for relationships. He ought to see this and apologise and be honest next time.
He knew you wouldn't like it so he snuck around about it - that's not cool. You should be able to trust that he acts in the interest of the relationship even when you are not there with him 24/7
However, I would give him a break on this because I don't think his intentions were bad. He did bend the rules a bit but ultimately, I don't think this was anything serious in his mind because YOUR BROTHER was there.
I don't know about you but my brother would beat the sh*t out of any man that disrespected me ( well, not literally) but he wouldn't turn a blind eye. So if your bf did this in front of your brother who's genetically wired to protect you, then it's safe to believe that he did not intend to cross any lines...
Or maybe I'm just naive.
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (2 March 2014):
For me the issue is the lap dances not the lying. Lap dances are very intimate and your boyfriend had not one, but TWO of them. He didn't tell you because he knew you wouldn't appreciate it, but that knowledge didn't stop him from doing it. I'm sure your boyfriend wouldn't appreciate you giving your guy friends, or his, lap dances, right? So why would him paying some woman to give him one be acceptable?I'm not surprised your father and uncle think you should get over it. They're men and they undoubtedly believe 'men are visual creatures' and 'have needs' and all that rubbish.Your boyfriend clearly doesn't recognize boundaries, which is no surprise to me since he all but camped out at your house after the first date. In my opinion, he cheated and he didn't have enough respect for you to cover his tracks. He thumbed his nose at you in front of your own brother.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2014): Did he really lie about it or did they also go and grab some beers and watch some of the Olympics before they decided to go to a strip club?
Did he know beforehand you wouldn't like him going to strip clubs?
It's okay to be upset if he really did lie, even if he just "failed to mention it" then you have a right to be pissed, but you've been hanging onto this for a few weeks and do need to work this out. In sense your dad and uncle are right, you do need to get over it but you can only do that by getting guarantees he won't hide shit from you anymore.
Now he was with your brother, so nothing other than a dance could have happened. If you're okay with strip clubs and stuff then just tell him that and tell him it's something you'd like him to be able to talk to you about instead of trying to cover shit up.
You see the thing is OP, he didn't really lie about it, he didn't try and cover this up. Your brother was there, it's not like he was sneaking around because there's no way you'd not find out. So in that sense if it is technically a lie it also wasn't if you know what I mean unless he told your brother not to say anything which it doesn't sound as if he did.
Take into account the fact that there was no possible way of you not finding out from this and you'll see it wasn't a deal-breaking lie. Figure out whether strip clubs are a big deal to you and whether you'd like him not to go or not. Then set down some ground rules. If you're okay with them, then tell him not to hide that from you. But tell him lies are unacceptable, even minor ones like this.
Don't accuse him or anything, don't call him a liar, tell him you're hurt by the way things went down and that you feel he thinks it's okay to hide things from you.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (2 March 2014):
I don't understand American culture fully but I believe this is a common thing amongst work guys - attending a strip club. I mean yeah it does suck he lied about it, although I think the safer bet for him was lying about it assuming you would not be ok with it in the first place. If you are ok with it then you should tell him that he should not lie about those things. It's just a matter of working out the problem because it was a group thing with his co-workers and he hasn't shown any sign of treating you bad. At the same time even though he is a father figure and a husband figure, I can't see why he shouldn't be allowed to go those places anyway as I believe other husbands do go with their co-workers.
I would have to agree, perhaps you are over reacting a bit, you should focus more on dealing with the problem rather than over analysing it.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (2 March 2014):
 The red-flag is the fact he lied about it, he then got angry because you found out and questioned him.
He was with your brother,he must have known you would find out!
a) he only had a couple of dances off a girl whos job it is, she dances for money not to run off with her customers.
b) the problem is he has shaken your trust by lying to you about the nights events - that's bad.
I would let him know the lies hurt. You have every right to be mad. I don't think it means he is tiring of you, or is unhappy. He was being a 'lad' with other lads. His huge mistake was lying.
I don't think you should 'get over it' you need to set some ground rules in a calm conversation, tell him how you feel. When he gets it, perhaps you can put it behind you.
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