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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I would really appreciate some advice and your opinion.I've been in a LDR for a little over a month. We were together for a week before he had to leave and go back home (another continent!).We've been texting and talked over the phone a bit (I'm initiating contact in 99,9% of cases). He's always all lovey-dovey when I text him and/or call him, but he never calls me or texts me first.I've been telling myself not to mess this one up because I have abandonment issues (thanks dad!) and let him be, stay positive and not give up. But it's hard for me to accept his behavior because I am totally different. Here's the thing. I've noticed that he's online a lot, but never sends me any messages. Sometimes when I text him and I see that he's online, after a while he goes offline without even responding. I don't know what to make of it.But the worst thing so far happened yesterday. He knows my schedule, and knows when I go to bed. So he texted me at 3 AM my time, but I was awake. I couldn't sleep and was just watching a stupid TV show when I got his text. I replied straight away happy that we could chat a bit (a rare opportunity). Long story short, I realized that he texted me not despite but because he thought I would be sleeping and was surprised that I was awake. Even though he was nice, I could tell that he wanted to cut the "conversation" short. And he did. And I felt weird.He's single. it's just that I started suspecting that his feelings have cooled down a bit or he finds this whole LDR a bore. When we were together he had no problems; He would call, text, come over...We both have to work until January so can't see each other before that. But it will be hard for me to keep this thing going without some incentive from him. On the other hand, I don't want to be needy and scare hi away. I don't know if I should make this an issue and write him about it. I just don't know how to tell him that without actually telling him. I tried with how much I missed him and would like to talk/chat with him, but nothing's changed. I notice some interest on his pat when he has time and replies to my messages with some sexy stuff. I can tell that he finds that exciting (btw I have no idea if he's actually doing something at that time or just talking). Otherwise, I feel neglected.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2016): Thank you for your reply So Very COnfused.
I too think that I'm more into this relationship thing than he is. I wish we lived in teh same town, but it is what it is.
Btw, that's a great idea. Wtiting letters and not sneidng them :)
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (20 September 2016):
 The hardest thing I ever did was sit back and WAIT for my now husband (then LDR boytoy) to contact me. I waited nearly 2 weeks. Finally he emailed me.
I have to say it was hard. I spent those two weeks writing him long long letters that I never sent.
I did NOT tell him I Needed more contact until it was apparent we were getting serious only then did we discuss it.
It's very hard but you need to give him a chance to miss you and chase you. I would not contact him at all (don't say anything about it just stop calling/texting/emailing)
stop stalking him online
when he texts, don't text back instantly, wait a few minutes or longer if you can....
and accept that this is probably not as serious for him as it is for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2016): Thank you so much for your replies!
I was trying to justify his behavior that all people are different and didn't want to push him. I rationalized that if I stop with texting he'll think that I am not into him.
Before I let him spontaneously take the lead, I'll tell him somehow that I need more.
I am afraid of coming off too needy. I've had that problem in the past. I need a lot of reassurance and fell for wrong guys, who would be so theatrical when it came to showing the affection and interest, but actually did nothing. This guy was real on the other hand. But it was maybe just a week for him...
I wish he said so instead of prolonging this and making plans...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 September 2016):
 I'd sit back and let him take charge. If he doesn't he just isn't that into you.
Texting you when he presumes you are asleep so he doesn't HAVE to have a conversation, that would be the nail in the coffin for me.
I don't think he is as into you a you are into him.
Sorry.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 September 2016):
 His behavior does not suggest that you are in a relationship, more like a holiday fling but I guess he agreed it was, so that when he left, he felt good there would be someone missing him and welcoming him back next time you see him. But after he got home, it's all out of sight, out of mind.
The outcome of a relationship is not always because of you. Everyone has some sort of abandonment issues in varying degrees. You can't always pin it on yourself when things don't work out. In the contrary, because you need time to trust people, you need to take time to get to know the person. So even if you both said you are in a relationship, give yourself a probationary period. If things are still consistent after several months, then you can call your relationship solid.
If you find his level of interest and contact insufficient, you can first express to him that you need x amount of phone call, dates in a month to be happy. If he can't make the effort, then don't lower your standards and get stuck in this. It sounds like he's only interested in his own terms, and when he is horny. If that's his concept of what relationships about, then match it with your own standards and you can see that you two are incompatible. Just because you said you are in a relationship does not mean you have to put up with this. You can always end the contract. Your focus has been mostly about whether you are doing the right thing, whether you pushed him away, but not one time did you check for yourself whether he can meet your standards. If you don't keep your standards high then you would attract a lot of time wasters.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 September 2016):
 You where only together for a week before he had to leave, that is such a short time and impossible to get to know someone enough to want to be in a relationship with them. You are making all the effort here, and it sounds like he is just passing time. I am sorry that you have abandonment issues but it sounds to me like he is just not interested, maybe he would be if you lived closer together, but after only spending a week together it really would be a struggle to do long distance until January. You need to make a lot of effort for LDR, he is not making any effort at all. Many people find it hard doing LDR when they have been together for years, but in your case it is very difficult as its only early on in the relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2016): I'd say you talk to him about this problem you're having with him. Confront him. Because if he truly likes you, he'll understand. But then again, first, I noticed in the situation you've described that this guy kinda sounded to me as if he's not taking things seriously, but that's just how I see it, we don't know what exactly he's up to yet and the reason why he's acting like this. second, you said you're the ones who sends him messages and calls him first? is that right? Well, in this case, I'd suggest you let him do that too. You can't always be the one who does the actions first, or it'd sound more like you're the only one who 'wants' to continue the relationship. It's like a one-sided love, and it's not good. And especially in an LDR, communication is something really important to have. So, in my opinion, knowing that you've only been together for a week, although i strongly believe that it's not about how long you've been together, but I'd suggest you take things slowly and talk to him about this, don't be scared or shy away. It's not being needy darling, it's even actually supposed to be normal for a couple. Being in a relationship should be taken lightly (even if it's LDR or what) or unless you only want to be in a short-term relationship, then okay.
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