A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear allI've been in a relationship for nearly 3 years and during that time nothing bad has happened, it's been pretty good mostly.At the moment it is long distance and has been this way for 6 months.My girlfriend went to an exhibition for her work and at the end of the week they all went clubbing together. She says she got so drunk that she cannot remember anything. This is very unlike her. Usually she doesn't drink much. She would usually message me very often even if she was out and would message when she was back, but as soon as she went to the club i heard nothing from her until the following morning.She told me a guy kissed her in the club ( dont know if it was mutual) and she was so drunk she had to get carried back to her hotel. She woke up in her underwear. She also told me the day after she took a morning after pill just in case "someone had raped her". She says she cannot remember anything and when she woke up in her underwear felt worried, so decided to get the pill but didn't tell me about it until today which is a few days later.I know her very well and when she tells me this story I feel she is being honest at times but also seems suspicious sometimes and i'm not sure. Before I met her she used to go to clubs to meet guys and I know she cheated on her ex boyfriend. But since i've been with her i've never had any reason to suspect her. she is terrible at lying and looks all fidgety when she isn't being honest. Sometimes she looks like that now.I told her to ask the hotel if anyone went to her room as they could check the footage, but she tells me she doesn't want to know. She said one of her colleques carried her to her room and put her on the bed clothes still on and then left. But i feel if she really believed this she wouldn't have taken a morning after pill.I don't want to press her about it as possibly she is a victim, but she may also be hiding something and either way she acted irressonsibly by getting this drunk in the first place. What do you think and what should i do?I'm really confused, i feel upset about it but i'm trying to not show her as if someone did something against her will its not her fault.
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clubbing, drunk, her ex, long distance, the pill, underwear Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2019): "i'm still not certain about this. The thing which bothered me is she is very calm and not really bothered about it, i feel if she had been violated she would seem bothered in some way but she doesnt seem to care at all."
People react in all different kinds of ways. There is no one way to react. You say it's long distance. If she cheated (which you obviously think she did) why would she tell you anything? She didn't have to say anything about her night out.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (12 June 2019):
 How long is this distance going to last? And when is the next time you will spend time together in person?
I think it is "easier" to gauge if your partner is lying to you or if something is off (so to speak) if you can see her in person.
Also I just don't GET what she would get out of this elaborate lie. Realistically, it's more likely that you go hmm... rather then "OH I'm so sorry you had a horrible experience that you can't remember". It would have been easier for her to just stick to a "I had too much to drink, a coworker helped me back to the hotel and I slept."
Is she prone to tell elaborate stories?
If not, I'd honestly believe her here. But I would also have a conversation about drinking on work events. It's not HARD to just stick to alcohol free cocktails or soda.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2019): Original poster here
Thanks for the comments.
i'm still not certain about this. The thing which bothered me is she is very calm and not really bothered about it, i feel if she had been violated she would seem bothered in some way but she doesnt seem to care at all.
Yet when i ask her about it it seems to me she is making it up, but it could just be she cannot remember.
it's a tough one. I'll wait and see if anything becomes clearer with time. She has never done this before. Her colleque kissed her before she lost her memory so it bothers me a bit as she doesnt seem that bothered by that, i personally consider kising someone else to be cheating but i'm not sure if she was kissed or they both kissed, if that makes any sense.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2019): If someone doesn't usually drink much, they may not know their limits. It can be very easy to accidentally have one too many and suddenly find yourself absolutely trashed. Been there, done that! It was a scary experience for me to be that drunk, and I was lucky to have friends there who made sure I got home safely. From what I've seen, moderate drinkers usually only ever make that mistake once, so I expect your girlfriend will be very wary from now on.
I agree that it's unlikely she was assaulted, and more likely she woke up and removed some clothing without remembering. It sounds to me as if she's embarrassed and upset, but probably not hiding anything - if she cheated, she never would have told you about getting the morning after pill!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2019): This needs some detective work. She should ask the collegue who carried her to her room if she/he took her dress off when she/he put her to bed. Also ask if she/he left the room door open or closed when she/he left.I somewhat had a similar experience many years ago when a gf had one too many on an outing and I had to take her back to her room and had to undress her and put on her nightie bc she was in no shape to do it herself. I think it is natural that whoever took her to her room probably took of her dress b4 putting her to bed and naturally pulled the door closed b4 leaving.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (9 June 2019):
 If, as you say, it is unlike her to drink too much, then my first suspicion would be she had a drink spiked with Rohypnol or something similar.
You say you have had no reason to doubt her during the course of your relationship. Don't let this incident change that unless more information comes out. Support her as much as you are able because, if her version of the story really is true, then she must be feeling violated and traumatised.
In her shoes, I would be having an STD test as well, just to put her mind at rest.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2019): This girl is so good it's laughable!!!! OP, a loyal woman DOES NOT and I repeat DOES NOT put herself in these situations. She made up a crazy story, and TMI is always indicative of liars to fluff up their stories to make them credible. She doesn't want to be caught. She wants to hang onto the bf yet live the single life when he's not around. She's bad news, OP.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 June 2019):
She could have been "rufied" (drugged). Or depending on WHERE she is in her cycle, have drunk more than her body could handle. I have managed to walk about a mile home super drunk, no recollection of leaving, and woken up wearing my boots and underwear and my front door open. THAT was one of the incidents that made me totally quit alcohol. I am pretty sure I wasn't drugged, just really really drunk. I don't recall the walk home, I don't recall getting mostly undressed or not closing my front door. And it's STILL (30 years later) a quite unsettling feeling. That thought of what COULD have happened.
It doesn't HAVE to be that she is lying to you. Unfortunately, being black out drunk can affect the brain and your memories. If a coworker saw her very drunk and took her home it IS kind of likely that she at some point "semi" woke up and got undressed.
I am PRETTY sure she would know or see signs of rape if that had happened. As to why she took the pill, well, fear I suppose. The WHAT if. Better safe than sorry. If I hadn't been on birth-control back in the day, I might have taken a Morning after pill as well after waking up almost naked. It's SCARY AF to have missing time. To know you weren't "all" there.
In the case of theft from a hotel room (example) The video surveillance may not be viewable by the victim, they would need a lawyer or law enforcement to obtain that right. I would PRESUME (not a 100% on this from a legal standpoint) that she can not "just" go ask to see it.
The good thing is, IF she was heavily intoxicated she was LUCKY to actually WAKE up the next day.
Maybe instead of not trusting her or making/thinking accusatory thoughts - talk about drinking. Though that is ENTIRELY her choice. But I would consider (at some point) to talk about cutting the alcohol out or down to 1-2 drinks for work events. IT's not safe to drink a lot and it's NOT very professional to have to be carried home.
Give her some time to see if she can recall anything.
Unless she has done ANYTHING shady in the 3 years you have been together, I would hold off on judging her negatively here.
TBH, I think HAD she CHOSEN to cheat she wouldn't have told you this elaborate story. She would just have told you she went to the night club got drunk and went back to the hotel to sleep.
I think she told you the truth. The truth is, however, not the whole story, as she was "sorta" mentally absent for some of it. Doesn't make her a cheater.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2019): Typo corrections:
"Lets view this like an adult."
"Under the circumstances, I strongly urge you to be supportive; and make it absolutely clear that you don't have it in you to handle another incident of this sort, if it involves drugs or alcohol."
Nothing can be worse than to have been sexually-assaulted, and nobody believes you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2019): In another thirty days she should be checked for any possible STD infection.
Let view this like an adult. She didn't have to confess anything to you. I think she gave you every detail; and even a little TMI, as well as she can recall.
I caution you about disbelief; because she could have made up a lie to make herself look better. Like she misplaced her phone or fell asleep. She didn't have to tell you about waking-up in her underwear. Oddly there was no evidence of semen, or vaginal-discomfort. If she blacked-out, she could have undressed herself. If she had to go to the bathroom, she may have taken-off her clothes; and just forgotten due to heavy intoxication.
If you know she cheated on her previous boyfriend; I urge you to man-up and deal with this situation. You committed to her in full-knowledge of her past! Now you're deciding to be suspicious?
Her fidgeting could be from fear, humiliation, and knowing you're going to blame her for what happened to her. Being male, nothing of this sort would likely ever happen to you. It can happen to any woman.
Under the circumstances, I strongly urge you to be supportive; and make it absolutely clear that you don't have it in you handle another incident of this sort if it involves drugs or alcohol. That would be true, because you don't seem to handle this one well. If she was raped, that would be more concerning to me than if she cheated.
Have some compassion, dude! It is my advice to give her benefit of the doubt. You can't imagine what a woman must feel to wonder if she was violated and not know for sure.
I venture to say, your feelings are nothing compared to what she must be going through. Hoping you believe her, and wondering if someone she knows is possibly getting away with rape.
It would still be rape; even if she allowed it while intoxicated! She was under the influence of alcohol, and not in the state of mind for lawful or moral consent.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2019): Your girlfriend is absolutely lying to you! If she thought that she may have been a rage victim, she would want to learn the whole truth about who may have done that. She would have gone to a hospital or a gynocologist for a thorough vaginal exam and screening for STD and STI. No, instead, your girl wants to end a pregnancy risk with no regard for diseases! Either she had consensual sex, or she is protenting who she knew used her vagina, when she failed to object. Further, she intended to get drunk and cheat, or you would have received a text or two or three, prior to her allegedly being too drunk to text or walk! She cheated on her ex and she cheated on you, so she has not ended her pattern of bad behavior! If I were in your place, I would have NO SEX with her,and break up with the girl! Be Wise, and Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (9 June 2019):
 You don't have much choice. You have to go with your gut. It sounds suspicious, but being raped when drunk isn't unusual. Do you think she's the type of person who would use this to cover her tracks? Does it sound like she's telling you to preempt someone else telling you or because she wanted to tell you her uncomfortable experience?
I personally don't feel compatible with anyone who would choose to get so drunk they don't remember. I'm all for someone getting a bit drunk when having fun, but not to the point of not being in control of themselves, mostly because it's not safe. That obviously doesn't mean I think anyone getting drunk is to blame for being robbed/attacked by anyone! How you feel about that side of it (regardless of whether or not she cheated or was assaulted) is something to think about in general.
Does she think she could have been drugged or just drinking too much?
Other than the risk of someone telling you, she could have just not told you if she'd potentially cheated. It's not uncommon for women to not want to know if they'd been violated when drunk, be it because of shame or fear.
If she was assaulted, it would probably have had to be the person who brought her back to her room or someone they were clubbing with. It also possible she undressed herself, maybe after throwing up on her outfit or something after she was back to the room. Her memory probably is almost non-existent, whether she cheated or was assaulted.
I think it's a "time will tell" situation. I don't think you'll ever know for sure, if she says she doesn't want to look into whether someone went into her room or not. You'll just have to see if you can move past this. If she has been assaulted and she finds out for sure, that would probably be a bit easier to tackle together than if she's cheated or not knowing which. Maybe her friends/colleagues will shed some light for her when she sees them again, maybe not. Give it time.
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