A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi Cupid,I wanna paint a pictute here for woman and hear what they think. Pleeeeeeeease be brutally honest, no euphemism.If you (a woman) were in your twenties and liked some guy, just like, not a romeo and juliette love story, you've known him for about 6 months, work at the same place, leave work together practically every day and consider yourself good friends because you hang out after work and on weekends. Lets say one day you two happen to get cozy and start to have sex. She has gotten the impression he has sex many times before and with alleged girlfriends. If half way through the act of sex you get a very very strong impression that this guy has no idea what the heck he's doing to your body so much so you start to think hes a virgin, what would be your immediate response and long time response? Would you stop him right there? Would you ask? If he said yes would you call it a day or continue? Would you immediately lose interest in him him as a potential boyfriend? Would you think he gay or something is wrong?Should you as him he has no specific reason as to why hes a 28 year virgin, he just is.Please be honest Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (29 March 2015):
Sex is something I think almost everybody is a little bit insecure about. Especially with a new partner. All that perfectly choreographed sex you see in movies and in some porn, that's not reality. People fumble, people make mistakes. So no, I don't think she'd notice, or even ask about it.
If you're intent on making the sex enjoyable for both of you, you're probably going to be better than a lot of very experienced guys right now. Having experience doesn't mean you're good. A lot of guys are only focused on their own pleasure and don't really bother with having the girl feel good. So ask for cue's. That's not a turn-off, that's just reminding her you're not a mind reader.
You're gonna do fine. Just remember to have fun and be open to learning.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2015): Out of all the guys i ve been with, 95% didn't know what they were doing. 80% were not even trying to please me. SO, don't worry so much about it. We girls are kind of used to it. If she had an impression you were not a virgin, how is it your fault.
But going back to my reaction. I would be a bit disappointed that a guy didn't perform well. I am not very initiative in bed, so for me its important for a guy to be active and experienced a bit. But as you can see here by answers that most women don't mind teaching and instructing
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2015): We all start virgins in the beginning till someone takes our hand and teaches us.The first time for me was with a young lady who was not, and soon she discovered my secret, but she didn't stop and kick me out of the bed.In fact she got more excited than me to the prospect.So for gods sake stop worrying, women are not monsters.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2015): Everyone is different, it is the person who you're with and the reasons why which matter- have sex with a gf who you're committed to. Don't lie about it, there is no point. If you like the person and want to be with them virginity shouldn't be a huge problem. If she has more experience let her lead the way.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 March 2015):
 What's the point of asking different women? We all will react in our own individual ways.
If your fear of rejection is crippling your social interactions with women, then work on that. Asking hypothetical questions like this won't help because I suspect one negative response will be the one you remember and the one you will play over and over again in your head.
If you like this woman, ask her out. You've been out in the evenings before.
If you're just looking for a one night stand to lose the "virgin" label you seem to hate then don't try do it with a woman you work with. Awkward will be the go-to label if that goes all pear-shaped.
If I were hanging out with a co-worker and just liked him, I would not get cozy with him and suddenly start to have sex. I am a relationship type of girl and would want to start dating with an understanding that there was some sort of exclusivity and a sense of romance.
Do you have a specific woman in mind? Or is this just kind of fantastical thinking at the moment? Do you want to be in relationship with her or is she the closest candidate you have for a sexual encounter?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 March 2015):
 Are we talking SEX on a ONS or with a GF?
I have to agree with A female reader, anonymous
I DO think it's something that SHOULD somehow come up BEFORE sex.
It might BE A BIG DEAL for you, but it might not be for the woman. And she will have an idea of how to go about the sex without getting either bored or frustrated by the "fumbling"..
You can use "I've never gotten that far before" instead of "I'm a virgin".
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2015): Well, it DID happen to me,so I thought I might as well add my 2 cents...So,right, we're in the middle of things, kissing,naked etc. and you know, he tries stuff and suddenly blurts out "Oh,can you help me out here coz I'm a virgin?"It was a one-night stand. I did not expect it at all and I WISH he had told me. Why?Well,a) Because IF I'd have known and decided to go ahead still, I'd have given him more time, been more considerate, overall the experience could have been better for BOTH. In the heat of things, it was rather rushed (for him).As it was, I was shocked, and just blurted: "No way!"He was a VERY good kisser (which is how things always start...) so based on that I'd have never guessed.This is what I brought up next, without thinking, i.e. "No way! But you're such a good kisser", "Well, you know, I'm not a monk, I've had girlfriends,we just never got to that stage".Anyways, the END result for him was the same= because of nerves he could not "perform", so to speak.b) IF he would have told me beforehand, I'd have liked to have the CHOICE not to do it.In this particular case, I think if I knew I wouldn't have (the guy was in his late 20s-nothing against virgins, love them actually coz I think I can teach them EXACTLY what I like rather than get what some other woman has liked (in terms of techniques etc. ... Men tend to stick with one technique in my experience, i.e. learn something and then not try too many different things... Or maybe I haven't found the right guy yet,anyways, sorry for going slightly off-topic)So to sum up-no,I did not get up and leave. I did NOT want to hurt his feelings (yes, even though he was a stranger,I cared,I know,I'm weird like that. But like ChiGirl said-I might not care now when I'm older and probs would act exactly as she described. Doesn't work for me-get up and leave.)We even met a 2nd time, but again, he couldn't even get hard,so we never met after that.I was really hoping that the 2nd time would be good and his self-esteem etc. will go back to normal, but that did not happen.c) From the things he said/shared with me, I started wondering "Why me?" sort of thing? It seemed like he HAD waited for the right girl (and I'd have respected that) and then suddenly, on a whim, decided :"All right-o,with her it is then!" That felt weird form me.EVEN IF you're lucky enough to randomly find someone who does NOT want to hurt your feelings (and you might not be), the first couple of times, you're learning,nervous etc. and it's BEST for you (and her!) that she knows in advance.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 March 2015):
 I kind of skipped the part about "alleged girlfriends" and I am not in my 20s. I am 34. I am not some general 20's sample but I will answer the question again.
When I was in my 20's I was confused, lonely and open to different types of people. I was not discriminating at all to who I would be with.
If you gave me the impression that you've been with lots of girls, again how are you supposed to give me that information? Would you tell your date that you used to be a player and hanged out a lot in night clubs?
If we went into the bedroom and found out you didn't know what you are doing, I would assume you weren't interested in serious relationships, and that I got into this too deep and you realized you couldn't give me what I want. I would interpret "not knowing what you are doing" as hesitating, not wanting to string me along and hurt my feelings. Then I would talk to you and confirm if this is true.
I am using my 34 year old brain to answer what would have happened if I was 24, which is impossible. There are many versions of how your story would play out. I am the gullible kind so I take whatever I hear as truth. So if you said you were a player, then now you are a virgin, it's really going to mess my brain up.
...............................
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (28 March 2015):
Dear OP,
If somebody makes me believe that he's quite experienced, and I'd realize mid-sex he doesn't know what he's doing.. my first assumption wouldn't be "oh, he must be a virgin" but instead "oh, wow.. this man didn't learn ANYTHING from his experience, did he?" and I'd assume he's a hopeless case who never really cared about the pleasure of his exes. A totally selfish person, really.
I'd make up an excuse to leave without having to go all the way.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 March 2015):
 Oh I've found myself in bed some times with guys who did not have a clue what they were doing and how to do it , in a scandalous way - but they did not even have the excuse of being virgins, LOL !
FWIW, I MARRIED a guy who was a virgin when we met . No problem- in fact, he was a quick study, eager to please, eager to learn and eager to make up for lost time. That we can't brag of a
"happily ever after " had nothing to do with his initial virginity.
Perhaps I would find it a tad strange , and a bit distracting, if he should just blurt it out mid-intercourse ?.. I mean, that's something that I figure it would be mentioned at some point of our r/ship , or at least right before we got down to business.
But, anyway, no, personally I would not dream of getting up , get dressed and leave in a huff - and I can't think of any sensitive, sensible woman who'd do that. Particularly if she likes you and cares about you. But even if she doesn't ! It's not "satisfaction guaranteed or your money back " -if she wants that, she needs to hire a gigolo, THEN she can complain if the performance is not as stellar as he paid for. In all other cases, - you ( i.e. , you and her ) talk, communicate, explain, SHOW what you want. You iron the kinks together, until you get it right . It's a work in progress ,for a while. ( Again, do not assume that a man can rock any woman's world JUST because he has previous sexual experience ).
...............................
A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (28 March 2015):
Having read Chigirl's response, I'd like to add something else...
In the hypothetical scenario you describe, you don't actually say that you are "romantically" dating this girl - just that you're hanging around together a lot.
Although I said I wouldn't dump a guy that I had been EXCLUSIVELY DATING for some time if I found out he was a virgin, I WOULDN'T pursue any further relationship with a guy if I had just been looking for a roll in the hay and a relationship wasn't on my agenda at the time. Sex outside of a relationship needs to be satisfying and if the guy didn't satisfy me, then there would be no point in going back for more.
Unless, of course, the sex was mind-blowing, which, as Chigirl pointed out IS possible even if a guy is a virgin.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 March 2015):
 I'd probably stop mid sex if he had no idea what he was doing. Done so before. Doesn't matter if you're a virgin or not, if you don't give me pleasure during sex then there's no point in continuing. I have no need for that. If I CARED about the person, was in love, wanted him, then I'd continue and not stop. But if it's as you say, just a fuck and no feelings involved.. then there's no point in continuing.
I'm tired of training puppies. If it's just sex and nothing else, then the man needs to know what he's doing. That's the ENTIRE PURPOSE of a no strings attached 'round in the haystack. To have sex and get satisfied. No satisfaction = Im out of there.
If he admitted to me, mid act, that he was a virgin, I'd try to let him down gently. Perhaps even give him a pointer or two. But I'd not come back for more.
That being said, I've encountered virgins who gave me the most fulfilling sexual experiences I've ever had, so I don't mind virgins at all. I do however mind someone who's completely out of sync with my body and his own and has no idea what he's doing and isn't even trying. If he's bad in bed then it doesn't matter if he's a virgin or not.
So to sum it up: take the virginity matter out of the equation. It's irrelevant. What's relevant is only that you know what you're doing/are good in bed, or that you aren't.
As for whether I'd see him as boyfriend material or not? I don't fool around with men like you described if I wanted more. If Im romantically involved with someone, I wait with sex until we're in a relationship. And then it doesn't matter if hes inexperienced, or whether he knows what he's doing or not. I'd teach him. If I cared for him that is, if I saw him as boyfriend material, if I was romantically involved with him. Feelings come BEFORE sex.
I hope you get what Im saying. Me jumping into bed with someone WITHOUT there being a relationship, means that I don't see that person as boyfriend-material. At all. It's got nothing to do with his accomplishments in bed. Whether someone is boyfriend material or not is decided upon WAAAAAY before anything sexual happens.
...............................
A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (28 March 2015):
It depends what you mean by "alleged girlfriends". If I found out that the guy had made things up and mentioned girlfriends who hadn't existed (or claimed he'd slept with girls when he hadn't) - that WOULD be a deal-breaker for me. Not because the guy was a virgin but because he'd lied and perpetuated a lie during the time we were dating. That would send up a red flag for me.If, however, he just hadn't mentioned his lack of sexual experience and I'd simply ASSUMED that he had some experience - then I wouldn't mind. I'd understand - it's a difficult topic to bring up.I'd appreciate it if a guy admitted his inexperience before we got to the "taking our clothes off" stage but if he didn't and he seemed particularly nervous or clumsy initially, I WOULD ask him.If he then admitted to me he was a virgin, it certainly wouldn't stop me from having sex with him then and there. I'd show him what to do and carry on.....I certainly wouldn't assume he was gay (unless there had been other things to make me suspect that he was.)Would it stop me from having a long term relationship with him? Probably not if I had been romantically involved with(dating) him for 6 months - especially if he'd ticked all the other boxes so far.Having said that, I probably would end a relationship with a guy if he and I turned out not to be sexually compatable in the long run i.e if we turned out to have vastly different sexual appetites or preferences. I wouldn't make that decision after one sexual encounter, though. It would probably take several encounters over several months.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 March 2015):
I don't give a fly's fart about virginity. I don't buy into the whole IDEA of virginity. Not for women, nor for men.
If I was in bed with a guy and he didn't seem to know what he was doing I would guide him, tell him what I'd like, ASK him what he would like.
I would not make the presumption that he is gay. I'd probably guess that he is very inexperienced or had lousy partners before me who never told him what felt great and what was.. blah...
My second BF worked as a model, pretty darn handsome guy, you would think he had girls throwing themselves at him, but he really didn't. He had had ONE GF before me, he was not a confident lover, but he was FUN in bed. What he didn't have in skills he made up for in being adventurous, fun and willing. We BOTH learned a lot (sexually) during our relationship. He was VERY easy to talk to.
So, no I don't JUDGE.
MAKE the best of it. HAVE fun with it. ASK her what she likes, have her SHOW you. Don't HURRY it. ENJOY it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2015): It happened to me. I said nothing. I simply taught him what I liked.
He's now the best I've ever had. BY A Mile. I am the luckiest girl in the world.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (28 March 2015):
No euphenism here. I would assume he is afraid of women, cares more about not being rejected over making a woman happy. He must think that a woman's body is a scary creature going to eat him alive. My first boyfriend was gay so I won't count that possibility off. I would not call it a day, because if I got to a point where I want to be intimate with a person I am interested in the whole, not just sexual gratification. In the movie 40 year old virgin, at the end, the two did enjoy rounds of hour long sex sessions. I do believe this could happen in real life. It's unfair to say that because first time sex is awkward then it means you can never have good sex. A more mature woman would know you are nervous and it could stimulate a motherly, protective response. She may want to hug you and tell you everything is okay. Only young inexperience women would think it's something wrong with them, or you are not attracted.
You should stop asking questions and when the opportunity arises try to shift your focus on enjoying the woman's body, and not what the woman thinks about your sexual status.
...............................
|
