A
female
age
41-50,
neenie
writes:I have been living with a man for 7 months now and I am deeply in love with him. We knew each other 30 years ago when I worked with him and his wife. In December of last year, he found my profile on Yahoo and sent me an email. We got together, hit it off famously and I moved in with him in June of this year.I've met and socialized with all of his family including his children and get along well with them. Everything seemed so perfect and I was waiting any time for my proposal. What I got was the shock of my life. He had been drinking a bit the other day and was joking with my brother about us getting married. My brother said something about if we lived together for 7 years it would be automatic. My boyfriend laughed and said "well, that means that I'm not married anymore because she's been gone for 7 years!" Of course "she" meant what I assumed was his "ex" wife. No, no, no. As it turns out, he has been separated from his wife for 7 years but they never divorced!He is still legally married to her. Why would he not tell me this??? He told me that he was sure he had. But he didn't. Actually two questions: Why would he not tell me and why would neither one of them file for divorce in 7 years?
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male
reader, Asexy +, writes (8 November 2007):
 Sorry -- by 'his "current" wife' I meant your bf and HIS wife, not my MIL...
A
male
reader, Asexy +, writes (8 November 2007):
It may have slipped his mind, because it's been so long. He's not acting like a man who was trying to hide it, so I'd give him that one.
However he must file now. If he refuses, you should move out.
I'll give you a story that may help you. My MIL lived with her boyfriend for many years. He never wanted to marry again, because he'd had such a bad experience. Then he discovered that his ex had legal rights to his Social Security money, because they had been married, but my MIL, whom he said he loved, had no rights to it at all. This changed his mind and they got married later that year.
Legally, his "current" wife (even if she's his ex in his heart) can inherit his belongings, can make medical decisions on his behalf if he's injured and incapacitated, and will get his social security money when she retires. You'll have no rights and get nothing. If he dies and she gets a really good lawyer, anything in the house you share with him could go to her if you can't prove it's yours.
So if I were you, I'd blow off that he hasn't told you. I don't think he's thought it through. But you know now. It's crucial that he get things legal with his ex. If he doesn't, you need to leave him and don't look back.
Good luck hon.
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A
female
reader, Mistify  +, writes (8 November 2007):
 On the question - why would neither of them file for divorce i have two answers.
a) There might have been an underlying hope to still get back together (which i don't think is the likely answer)
b) SCHLEP. Too much paperwork and effort, or they couldn't agree on a settlement.
Either way - they have to do it sometime
On your other question - why would he not tell you?
Maybe he was ashamed, or just really assumed that he had told you. Slippery as some people's minds are, i would NOT exclude the possibility.
Important to remember, that he is with you. He's not hiding you from anyone, and you are living together. You love each other i'm sure, so that is all good.
Ask him (for your sanity) to settle his divorce, and close that chapter of his life, as you are severely affected by it if he won't.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, Asexy +, writes (8 November 2007):
It may have slipped his mind, because it's been so long. He's not acting like a man who was trying to hide it, so I'd give him that one.
However he must file now. If he refuses, you should move out.
I'll give you a story that may help you. My MIL lived with her boyfriend for many years. He never wanted to marry again, because he'd had such a bad experience. Then he discovered that his ex had legal rights to his Social Security money, because they had been married, but my MIL, whom he said he loved, had no rights to it at all. This changed his mind and they got married later that year.
Legally, his "current" wife (even if she's his ex in his heart) can inherit his belongings, can make medical decisions on his behalf if he's injured and incapacitated, and will get his social security money when she retires. You'll have no rights and get nothing. If he dies and she gets a really good lawyer, anything in the house you share with him could go to her if you can't prove it's yours.
So if I were you, I'd blow off that he hasn't told you. I don't think he's thought it through. But you know now. It's crucial that he get things legal with his ex. If he doesn't, you need to leave him and don't look back.
Good luck hon.
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