A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i have been with my bf for 3 yrs and we love each other. i am sure he will not cheat on me, but there are other times that i felt offended or hurt unintentionally. specifically, there's this one female coworker that i am very jealous of. she hitched a ride with my bf twice this year going to different company activities. my bf is the shy type and he does not have many female friends, that's why i am very threatened that suddenly, this female is trying to get close with my bf. i saw her innocent but somewhat flirty texts to my bf on his bday earlier this year. the last straw came june this year, during an out of town trip with other colleagues, she rode with him again going out of town and coming back. they were with 1 other male colleague but it still made me uncomfortable and hurt, since i told my bf that i'm uncomfortable with her but they still went on since it was already planned.since june, we have had a rocky relationship mainly due to my jealousy with this girl. they work together in the same project so they are together every single day. i don't want them to be close because she is very flirty and gives too much attention to my bf (texts, gifts, rides).i've managed to lay out some rules that i can be comfortable with (like not being together one on one, not going out with the group if she will be there, not allowing her to ride in his car again, not having lunch with her), and he followed most of them. sometimes he would break a rule but i would forgive him, depending on the gravitythe biggest thing he promised me was that he will not go out with the group if she is included. however, he broke that promise this week when they went out,as a group of 8 to have lunch in a fancy restaurant. i was deeply hurt since he promised this to me almost everyday and this made me calm. i trusted him to keep his promise, though i know it is hard and unreasonable since they work together. i feel like he chose his work, what is comfortable to him, over what my feelings are. i am deeply hurt and am going to break up with him. this jealousy paralized me for half a year now, and i am realizing that we can't get rid of this girl since they work together and i will continue to get hurt even if he is not cheating.
View related questions:
co-worker, flirt, jealous, shy, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, dober  +, writes (17 December 2011):
I understand where your insecurities are coming from. She clearly knows your boyfriend is taken but continues to pursue him beyond work. She knows it's getting to you, so stop showing her that it's affecting you. Ask your boyfriend to stop texting her and gradually she will get the message.Understand that your boyfriend works with her so he has no choice but to maintain a professional relationship with her. They will go out for lunch, events and dinner. But as long as he keeps her at arm's length there is nothing else you can do. He sounds like a nice person but your insecurities will be the death of this relationship. From what you've written he hasn't shown any sign of being unfaithful to you. It is unfair of you to ask him to not communicate with her.If he wanted to be with her he could have easily gotten with her by now, but he chose you, so stop giving the guy a hard time. He can't possibly put up with this level of insecurity for too long.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2011): thanks for all the responses!
the texting has stopped, as far as i know, since 2 months ago. however, i really have a sick feeling about this woman and i really dont want her around my bf as much as possible. ive talked to my bf about this, and he said he is trying to not be with her all the time even if they work in the same group. i know he is doing this, but sometimes they still go out to events, dinners in a group. he always assures me that i DO NOT have a reason to be jealous of this girl. BUT, i really cannot eliminate her in his life, he cannot avoid her every single day and if i will stay with my bf i need to deal with the fact that she will be there as a colleague and there will be times that they will be out together :(
...............................
A
female
reader, laurajayncoco  +, writes (9 December 2011):
 Mabe you could say unless the unecassary texting stops than that's the end ask him how he would feel if the situation was reversed that always solves a few of my relationship issues x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2011): Now I might be out on a limb here after reading all the other posts but I can understand exactly where you are coming from and would be very wary too. I was in a situation like this for years where my then b/f worked with an over familiar friendly co worker and she did take her time but she slowly muscled in on him. Eventually they got together but it didn't last as she basically only wanted to take him from me and once done the thrill was over. Ofcourse I could never forgive or take him back after that. Personally if I had my time again I would have dumped him as the endless not knowing and suspicions made me very ill and this went on for 9 years. If this woman stopped the texting and the unnecessary contact then you would feel ok about things but she clearly isn't going to stop. I am sure she must know you don't like it so I think it is pretty poor of her not to leave your b/f alone and only deal with him in a pure work capacity leaving him well alone when the office hours are shut.Personally for your own sanity I would get rid.
...............................
A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (8 December 2011):
OP do you work? Or go to uni or college? And do you have male colleagues or peers?If you do then surely you must come into contact with the male of the species on a daily basis. How does your bf feel about this?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2011): Give the guy a break! You are overreacting way too much about this. He works, he has a job. Trust me, he sometimes HAS to go to lunch functions with other colleagues. Where my boyfriend works, EVERYONE in the team is meant to go out together for people's birthdays. It is very rude to stay back when your colleagues are all going to lunch. Is there a girl my boyfriend works with? Yes. Have they been to conferences and meetings together with other colleagues? Of course. Your boyfriend has to interact with this girl because of his JOB. You need to get over this. What do you want him to do - quit his job? He has to work with her, simple. They have to spend time together for work. They also might have to text or call each other. If her messages are really over the top flirty, trust in your boyfriend that he ignores them and is not cheating. Think about going to counselling for your insecurities. You will eventually drive him away at this rate.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 December 2011):
 You need to work on yourself, of this will not be the last relationship you mess up with jealousy and distrust.
I think your imagination is getting the better of you.
He's had AMPLE opportunity to cheat with this girl, yet he hasn't and most likely he hasn't even been considering it!
What makes you think you can't trust your BF? Haven you been hurt in the past and have not yet processed and worked thru that?
You really NEED to look deep within yourself and figure this out.
Your BF is a saint to put up with these rather unreasonable demands of your. He must REALLY love you, since he is so willing to be manipulated and controlled by you. But everyone has a breaking point, you keep this up and he will hit that point. Not saying he will cheat, but he will eventually get enough.
...............................
A
female
reader, aliyahnangelo +, writes (8 December 2011):
 I understand that feeling some insecurities about another woman always around your man. Obviously if you find him desirable than other women will also, right? But i really think that your giving this situation way too much energy. He is at work and needs to maintain a amicable relationship with his co-workers. Work is way more pleasant if you enjoy the people that you work with. Maybe you feel insecure because you really don't know this girl. Maybe you could suggest a night out with your man and his buds from work. Then you would get a chance to see how this girl is. You never know you might actually like her. I had a best friend that was a guy and I had a bf that was soooo uncomfortable about my guy friend. But I introduced them and they became BEST friends! They are now closer than I am with my friend. But I think that your jealousy is the major issue in your relationship. Don't let these feelings of insecurity ruin a great thing. I know you're thinking of leaving him but he might end up leaving you instead if this doesn't get settled.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 December 2011):
 Your insecurity and jealousy will be the death of this relationship. He’s AT WORK for goodness sake. It’s in his best interest to have a cordial and even friendly relationship with ALL co-workers. You have placed some very stringent and over the top rules on him that he TRIES to comply with. I think personally you are way out of line.
He went to LUNCH with SEVEN other people. LUNCH for god’s sake. NOT a dinner… NOT a dance… not DRINKS… and with a GROUP NOT just her. I often go to lunch with a young man I work with. I like him very very much and we enjoy each other’s company and yes we go to lunch just the two of us. Thankfully his wife is a lovely young woman who gets that we are FRIENDS and CO-WORKERS and I am far from a threat to her happy home. Because if she did this to him, he’d tell her to GROW UP.
In this economy hon, I’d choose WORK over a jealous insecure irrational girl friend any day of the week.
IF you don’t let his insanity go, you will lose this man. Is that what you want?
I strongly suggest you get into some personal therapy to work on your own demons that are causing you to feel so insecure.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2011): Thanks for your answers. I am the one who posted this question.I am trying to lessen my jealousy, I am working hard everyday reading articles on how to overcome jealousy and trying to reassure myself. Your right, my bf has been very reassuring and accommodating. We have a very conservative relationship and we are not exposed to close opposite sex friendships. I know that reality is, he can't really avoid this person because they work together in the same group. And I feel that I lost, because I can't really get rid of her, no matter how hard I try. I want her out of my boyfriend's life.This jealousy all started when I found that this co-worker is flirty towards most men in their office and even sent a few text messages to my bf. When they went to the out of town vacation, she chose to ride with my bf instead of with the other girls. Since my bf is "too kind", I fear that he cannot say No to her, even when it might hurt my feelings. He can easily be taken advantage of because he is too kind. This girl is capable of hurting my feelings.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 December 2011):
Wow. This is a very unfortunate situation. I think you're so insecure and jealous that you can't actually see this for what it is - nothing. More than that, you have one of the most patient and loyal men I've ever read about on here. He's done everything - literally everything - that he can do make you feel comfortable, and it's still not enough for you. That means, sadly, that the time has come for you to get help about this jealously.
In the past year, he's been in the car twice with her, and there was someone else there. That's an average of one work related journey with her every 182 days. He's stopped that.
He hasn't done any 'one on one's with her. That's stopped too.
Apart from one group activity where he went out, he's avoided being with her in a group. He cannot avoid her indefinitely, so that was bound to happen. You can't be sure that he was able to say 'no' to that outing. It was, after all, a work related event.
You've also said he's effectively chosen his line of work without regard for your feelings. Well, what is he supposed to do? Quit?
Please start thinking realistically about this. Your boyfriend has been nothing but the original Saint. He's done all he can. The problem is that because he's done all he can rather than you deal with your own problem, your insecurity has been fed and has now reached a level that neither of you can deal with unless you step up and get help for it.
I think the best thing you can do is end it, because he's on such a tight leash that he can't physically meet your expectations (he can't avoid a work colleague, and he's not bothered by her anyway. She doesn't even seem bothered by him. If she had been, she'd have moved on him ages ago). Also, whether you like it or not, this is now your own problem. You are the one who needs to get help over this insecurity. It won't go away. All that will happen is that you'll move on to another guy and fixate on another girl that you think is a problem.
Your boyfriend has been a gem. He's accepted you, he's accommodated you, and he so clearly doesn't care about this girl. In doing that though, he's effectively green lighted your insecure behaviour and it's now out of control.
Please end it with him and go and get some help for this jealously. It will continue to follow you if you don't.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2011): I am sorry but the problem is your insecurity. He went out to a work function with a group, they were not one on one. He isn't chosing his work over your feelings, he realises that he needs the job to build a future for you and him. Jobs are not easy to find in the world today and to give up one simply because there is someone at your job that your girlfriend doesn't like is silly. I suggest you work on your insecurities and stop going on at him about his work colleague, because you are the only person who thinks she is better than you. He knows you are better for him, that is why he is still with you. If you are willing to break up with him because he is fulfilling work obligations by attending a work function that she is going to be at, you will have the same problem with anyone you meet, unless they don;t work and don;t socialise. There were people I didn;t even like being around when I was at work, and did not want to be at functions with at my job, but it was part of the job and I had to do it because it was my job and I had an obligation, also it was a good job, and I realised how silly and immature it would be to quit a job over that. Get some help to work through your insecurities and give your boyfriend some credit, he does everything he can to avoid being in these situations, but sometimes because of work obligations he simply can't do it. That isn't him being insensitive to your feelings, it's called being an adult and realising that sometimes you have to do things you or those you love don't want you to do because you have to do it to build a life for yourself and those you love. Good Luck
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2011): Hello first of all let me start by saying this is a problem I have experienced. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and recently he has started working in a care home where a majority of the staff are women like you I 100% trust him however I do get jelous when he gets lifts home of this one girl and talks about all hiss female co workers, but the fact is although I'm jelous I can't stop him working an even if you broke up with your boyfriend the next one you get will still be around women when they work or go the shop. I think by the sound of it he is trying to please you and you trust him I don't think you should throw that away. Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2011): Hello first of all let me start by saying this is a problem I have experienced. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and recently he has started working in a care home where a majority of the staff are women like you I 100% trust him however I do get jelous when he gets lifts home of this one girl and talks about all hiss female co workers, but the fact is although I'm jelous I can't stop him working an even if you broke up with your boyfriend the next one you get will still be around women when they work or go the shop. I think by the sound of it he is trying to please you and you trust him I don't think you should throw that away. Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, Mariab +, writes (8 December 2011):
 You want to break up with your bf because he attented a work function with all others plus HER? He gave her a ride twice this year! I think the problem here is your insecurity and if you leave this guy over a work mate ...then chances are that you will have the same problem in your next relationship. Unless you then go on to date a guy that works in a MALE ONLY environment ... You need to get off his case about this woman. By constantly remining him how insecure you are about this woman ... you are confirming to him that you THINK she is better than you...Be careful coz in time ...this could be a self-fulfilling prophecy. You have to get a grip of yourself fast. Good luck xx
...............................
|
