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Jealous and possessive husband - how do I make him stop?

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 June 2008) 5 Answers - (Newest, 13 June 2008)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

My husband is extremely jealous and possessive. We've been married about 3 months, and he has accused me of an affair with an older man, who is my friend and who I bought my car from, it got really ugly and he roughed me up a bit. I denied upon a stack of bibles that I did not have an affair with the older man, and that this is just a rumor (a widely repeated one).

The problem is that we did kind of have an emotional fling, but didn't press it further. I want to contact my friend and tell him to deny everything. My husband can be a little violent when drinking, and it scares me what will happen if this comes to light, I know he will leave me at the least. I didn't know my husband at the time that this happened, it was a long time ago.

I cannot tell my husband anything about the older man, he will go insane with jealousy, and we are just trying to get past this phase in our relationship. How can I get him to simply leave whatever in the past, in the past, it has nothing to bear on our marriage. Everything in my past is a huge issue for him and I'm so tired of him being jealous of previous boyfriends that I knew way before him. I don't know what to do.

View related questions: affair, jealous, older man, violent

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008):

Well, next time he goes to "Rough you up" tell him that you will call the Police, if he does "Rough you up" call the Police and make sure you press charges as this will show him (The nob-jockey he is) that you will not tolerate violence in any way, shape or form. Besides, when you got married did he not vow to protect you?! He is clearly a penis.

I hope that helped!

As you can see, I think a man should NEVER strike a woman! (Unless of course she is trying t kill him, which i am sure you were not!)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2008):

Well, it's your call. To make him happy you will have to sever all contact from all your male friends and relatives.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life treading on eggshells just in case he turns nasty?

Maybe a few opinions from the female aunts would be more appropriate here. Maybe someone else has been in your situation and can offer some sound advice. Personally, I think you're crazy if you give in to him. You deserve a life and I don't really see you having one with him if this is the way he behaves.

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A female reader, lypiphera United States +, writes (9 June 2008):

lypiphera agony auntIf he's roughing you up or being possessive, you need to give him two options- he needs to go through some anger management and get some professional help, or you're gone.

I wish i could tell you guys change, but they dont. The more they get away with from you, the worse they get. You need to put your foot down and tell him 'change, or i'm gone'. You'd be surprised how many times guys actually shape up IF they realize you're serious. If need be, you need to leave for awhile till he gets his shit together. Go stay with parents or a friend or rent a hotel room and probably make sure he DOES NOT know where you are.

I know it seems impossible, but i watched my mom go through that same situation for 28 years, and it wasnt till she put her foot down that my dad changed. I went through the same situation in one of my past relationships, but unfortunatly i had to break it off because i realized it was just never going to change.

You deserve to have a man that loves you and trusts you and doesnt make you feel guilty when you've done nothing wrong. All he's doing is driving you farther away till you probably WILL want someone else, and honestly its not a bad idea to see someone else if he cant stop- just tell him you guys are taking a break and he needs to shape up or lose you forever.

Put your foot down and stand firm, no matter how many times he tries to sweet talk you out of it, or change for a day only to go back to being a jerk. Good luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2008):

original poster here: I want this marriage to work, when it is good, it is very good, but he simply has trust issues from his past, and he is bringing these into our relationship. He's so jealous, that he scowls and growls when any man even looks my way. Now, I am 8 years older than him, so I have more life experience, and he just cannot handle this. Not that I was all over the place, but I did have a few long term relationships, that resulted in good friends. He cannot accept that. I don't know how to deal with this subject, but it is making me walk on eggshells, and I cringe when my cell phone rings. At this point, I have told every male person (including cousins) to not call me.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2008):

All I can say is that if your husband leaves you he will be doing you a favour. A big favour. There is absolutely no excuse for using violence towards a woman.

He sounds like the male equivalent of the bunny boiling Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.

I think if I were in your shoes and being accused of having an affair, I'd go and have one. What's the point of being 'roughed up' for no reason?

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