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I've tried everything for 2 years and I STILL can't get over my ex!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Teenage, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 February 2010) 11 Answers - (Newest, 11 February 2010)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

ok, so let me start off by saying what i've already tried. and this isn't to bash anyone's ideas or advice because trust me i really need them. I've tried hanging out with friends, visiting family. i even moved back in with my mother and am going to a college nearby. I've tried erasing everything i had of him, letters, pictures...EVERYTHING. i've tried convincing myself that it was good that the relationship ended and that my heart needs time to heal and in the end i'm at the point where i feel like u say it i've already tried it....i can't get over my ex. it's been 2 years about and i still think about him all the time, i still find myself daydreaming about the life we were planning before everything happened. Anyway no matter what i try or who i'm with i'm always thinking about him (and formally...i was the one that broke off the relationship) anyway after a bit of time, i talked to him again...it started out as a hello and ended with me asking if he missed us. he said yes and that he was a jerk for the way he's been...anyway i asked him after that if he still thought that and if so then did he ever think about trying again and he just never responds, and i feel like i'm deluding myself or something because i still want to be together with him. even with the distance barrier. people keep telling me to get over him there's someone more worthy for me out there. so i'm guessing that i need to get over him, though i still have no idea how. i've done everything people have adviced me to, i've done everything i can think of and i still can't let go of him. he and i are friends on FB recently and as pathetic as it is, i still look on his profile to see if he's found someone else and everytime i see a girl that he's paying just the tiniest bit of attention to i get so jealous (not that i've said anything to him) i've tried going on dates, tried other relationships, but as disfunctional as my ex's and my relationship was, i still unconciously start comparing....for example, my friend let's call him Will...he's extremely sweet, he never just stops talking and avoiding me for long periods of time. we have so much in common and he genuinely cares about me...as far as i can see he has no major bad points like my ex....yet i don't want this amazing guy. i want my ex, even if he kept putting me through hell when we were together. i don't even know what's wrong with me. i told Will that i wasn't ready for a relationship at the moment, but i feel terrible telling him that old cliche line "it's not you it's me"

please please help, i really, and seriously need some :'(

View related questions: jealous, my ex, period

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (11 February 2010):

Laura1318 agony auntHi OP

Great moments in your life cannot be easily forgotten .It is etched into your heart and memories. Just cherish and treasure those moments .

Remember and focus only on the good ones and let go of those bad ones.Nobody is perfect.Life consists of the sweet and bitter .

There are things which cannot be change .Live and enjoy life to the fullest .

This is a good prayer.

God, grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

The courage to change the things that I can;

And the wisdom to know the difference.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Laura1318-- thank you. that's a good sum of how i feel....except i don't so much hate his guts as i resent and despise the way it all turned out. i really do wish for his happiness with all my heart and i've long since forgiven him for the things he put me through....but the happiness i wish for is ideally....with me. anyway as for fighting those feelings i always feel like i have no choice. it's like i feel, since i was the one that formally...told him i couldn't handle him disappearing for 6+ months at a time that i do'nt have a right to love him as much as i do, but at the same time i can't help still being in love with him

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (9 February 2010):

Laura1318 agony auntIf u love someone u always will. The choice is whether u fight 4 them or let them go. Make sure it the right choice . Once they're gone, they're gone.

That is the problem when you love someone. A part of you hate his guts and another part of you is still in love with him.

It is a tug of war in your heart. You become confused and powerless.

I think it is true that you cannot stop loving someone even when you have to let him go.

If you are the one that is being dumped, your instinct would be to hate him but in your heart, you still cling on to that love and don't want to let go.

When you fight against those feelings, you will make yourself stressed out.

Why not just accept those feelings and don't swim against those currents .

If you have decided to let him go after you have tried your very best ,you need to release him ,bless him and forgive him.

You can still love him and wish him all the best.In this way , you will find peace and serenity and move on with your life.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010):

It seems your bessotting on what good times you had, you broke up and never got back together, he doesnt want to get back with you. Try and remember why you left him, you have had two years to get over him, he should be in the past now and not clouding your future.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Sal84- thanks, that's something i don't think i've tried yet...i'm always too...umm..shy isn't the word but it's the only one i can think of....to call him after that. i always felt like i was baiting him into talking to me

side note-- we were engaged until i broke it off for a long and starting to wonder y reason.

As for will....he knew i was dealing with the breakup when he told me he liked me. anyway that's y i mentioned it....he seems like the perfect guy, but i'd rather my ex, who hurt me like he did..to me it doesn't make any sense

anyway thank you so much for the advice really

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A female reader, Sydnee United Kingdom +, writes (8 February 2010):

Dear Anon

i have personally been in this situation and trust me i know how hard it is and this is the only way i found to get over him it's not going to be an easy thing to do and it will hurt more than anything but it has to be done

Stay away from him no contact at all

dont speak dont look dont anything

keep your life going and just carry on as usual but keep him out of it.

now dont get me wrong this is not a quick fix by any means but after around 4 to 5 years i got over it but avoiding him at all costs was the only way and it will be for you too

as for other men, there is no need to rush anything, explain to them that you are having a rough time at the moment and need time to think for yourself, when you feel comfortable and happy dating again take it slow but it will be easier in time i promise

Good Luck

Sydnee x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010):

Why not be open and honest with Will and tell him about how you can't get over your ex? And that that is why you don't feel you can give him a proper relationship?

You were really smitten with your ex, and it will take time to get over him! 2 years might sound long to some, but it took me about a year to get over my ex-fiancee! And that was while I was dating another man, I had stopped all contact, etc etc.

However, you haven't really stopped all contact. You're not ready to have contact with him again I suspect, yet you still have him on facebook. But perhaps it is for the best, seeing him on there, watching how he might hook up with other girls, watch photoes of him from parties with other girls on his lap. Perhaps it will be an eye opener to you.

I say try ti again with this Will guy. But be honest with him about your ex and how you still feel for him! Im not asking you to fool Will into a relationship with you at all, but he could very well help you get over your ex. After my breakups, I compared everyone to my ex as well! Its nothing to be scared off! But then, later, you will start to compare your ex to Will. And perhaps having Will (or another guy) as your ideal guy who you compare everyone to.

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A male reader, Sal84 India +, writes (8 February 2010):

Sal84 agony auntI understand exactly how you feel about your ex.

However, what I don't understand is why he is being apologetic and calling himself a jerk and then still not responding to your overtures.

Its time you asked yourself whether you really want this guy or not and if you do then its time you asked him the same about you. DEMAND an answer. In case its a Yes, then work on your relationship together by speaking to each other and discussing what actually went wrong the 1st time.

If its a NO....then this surely works

Take a pic of his(which I am sure u must have).....Open your toilet seat, tear the pic into the smallest of pieces and flush it....saying to yourself that you have flushed him out of your system now. Upon doing so, call him up and tell him the choicest of swear words(some which even us guys would feel bad to say....don't ask me do your own R&D and don't feel shy or bad about it, infact try to enjoy when u are saying these words. )Then slam the phone on his face.

Believe me, if this doesn't work, nothing will:-)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010):

Well for a start, delete him from facebook. If you're thinking about him all the time, being able to spy on his life whenever you like is only going to hurt you. You reckon you've heard and tried everything so I wont say more, though honestly if you have done everything then maybe you need to seek professional help because you sound obsessed.

All the best.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

*** and as much as my friends and family are trying to be supportive, they're getting tired of me and it's really starting to show...plainly and they've said things to such effect

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A female reader, cassie m United Kingdom +, writes (8 February 2010):

i have been in the same situation as you so i know how you feel. firstly block him on facebook you are doing yourself no favours. you need time to process the break up and accept the fact that you are not getting back together and he has made that clear, yes he says he did miss you and apologised but have you ever thought it was out of decency? delete his number why do you need it, by having it your thinking that no matter what you can still contact him and this is not good for getting over him.

As for Will he sounds great!! why not give it a try you may find that he is the key to getting over your ex what better way to get over him by having someone you like and have fun with? you need to stop forcing yourself to get over him it will happen in time but try not to compare people to your ex everyones different and as you finished the relationship he was obviously not the best boyfriend. you can do better so start living and you will forget about him.

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