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I've never had an orgasm with my boyfriend and I cant keep faking it forever!

Tagged as: Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 June 2012) 14 Answers - (Newest, 14 June 2012)
A female United States age 18-21, anonymous writes:

Hey there ladies and gents. I am completely in love with my boyfriend. I'm 18, he's now 20. We've been dating for almost 2 years now. Physically he is very handsome, tall, and somewhat fit. Emotionally he is super sweet, a little sarcastic, loving, and goofy and he is my other half.

HOWEVER...

I don't climax with him ever. One time I came really close, but that was once out of like 20 tries. I can get very turned on and what not, but he doesn't know how to please me. And to be honest, I don't know what I want either :/

So my question is...

How do I tell him he is lacking? I don't want to hurt his ego, but I don't want to keep "faking" it and make it worse in the long run.

HELP!

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (14 June 2012):

chigirl agony aunt"I don't necessarily fake orgasm, I rather embellish a little bit with moaning and what not (cuz a friend told me not to just be silent... to kinda get into the right mindset). So to me that's still somewhat faking, yeah?"

Moaning is a turn on for the guy, and for yourself too. Moaning is showing pleasure. It's not "fake" as long as you moan and make noises when you actually feel good. Some are more vocal than others, but being completely silent in bed doesn't do much for the other partner. My guy says the sounds I make turn him on so much he often needs to pause not to come, just from the sounds I've made.

Tons of women can orgasm in silence... it's not like you HAVE to make sounds when you have an orgasm either. So no, making sounds isn't faking. But pretending you have an orgasm, or leading the man to think you've had one, is faking.

Also, if you moan at times where you don't feel much pleasure he'll just think you love that move and keep repeating it. So.. don't dig yourself a hole here.

If he's not trying to do things different even though you've asked him to there are two alternatives: 1. You're not vocal enough about this. Maybe you just say small hints and he isn't picking up the hints. You need a solid discussion about this where it is clear what the message is, and where it is certain that he understands. 2. He's a selfish man in bed who doesn't care if you're having a good time or not.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (14 June 2012):

Tisha-1 agony auntAlso, stop moaning unless you mean it. This might help encourage him to try the things you've pointed out that work.

I think you may as well tell him how you reach orgasm. He needs some idea what the sequence is and being shy about telling him won't help you in the long run, will it?

Just be honest. I think most guys appreciate honesty more than deceit, don't you agree? It may be a bit unsettling for him at first but if you get him on board with learning how to coax out the best of your sexual response, you may have a great time, not to mention some real intimacy.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (14 June 2012):

Tisha-1 agony aunt"Sweetheart, I've given you some really important tips for me to enjoy lovemaking. I'm wondering why you aren't doing them. Is there some reason I should know about?"

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks everyone for such a speedy response.

Perhaps I didn't phrase the first line of my original question properly: I don't necessarily fake orgasm, I rather embellish a little bit with moaning and what not (cuz a friend told me not to just be silent... to kinda get into the right mindset). So to me that's still somewhat faking, yeah?

Let me answer some of the questions y'all have asked.

I have brought myself to orgasm, but not in the "traditional" way (vibrators, fingers, etc) and I have been trying to switch it, but it's a hard thing to break.

And I do tell him to try different things so I can see what I like. I ask him to slow down, go fast, and other combinations, but he still doesn't do what I suggest.

So that's why I thought he was lacking cuz he doesn't really try to do things differently even though I ask him to.

~Thanks for the help, and if this response offers more insight I'd really appreciate it!!

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (12 June 2012):

chigirl agony aunt.. Why are you faking it? Sheez, tons of women have problems reaching an orgasm, it isn't exactly a big secret. Quit lying to your boyfriend, I get that you do it out of love for him or whatnot, but lying is still lying.

Get a real orgasm with him. Not through penetration. But through either masturbating in front of him/with him or by him going down on you.

I've never had a boyfriend, or anyone, give me an orgasm by intercourse. I've had ONE boyfriend manage to get me to an orgasm by going down on me, but it only happened twice, and it happened after we broke up as well, so those trysts stopped after not too long.

After that.. I've reached orgasm only by getting myself there. Through the use of vibrators or shower-heads, and I do include my partner in it. I take him with me to the shower and reach my orgasm there with him, either him just watching me and touching me at the same time, or him doing me from behind at the same time. Sorry for the graphics, but I'm just saying.. you can get there with your partner. You just got to stop thinking that HE needs to do all the work. Getting to an orgasm is DIFFICULT for a woman who has difficulties getting there. Which means if you want it to happen you need to be more active and take charge. You need to tell him exactly what you like, you need to inform him about what's not working (which you aren't because you're faking it), and you need to experience orgasms with him in order to "acclimatize" yourself to it. If you've only gotten yourself there on your own it can be difficult to include another person.

Then again, have you ever reached orgasm by yourself?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2012):

OK I've been where you are and I didn't handle it correctly. I just didn't say anything and he thought everything was OK. He wasn't lacking at all. We were both young and inexperienced and too shy to talk about sex upfront.

The key here is that you say yourself that you don't know what you want. As others have said, you may need to find that out on your own. Or, if you improve your communication with your boyfriend, you can find out together. Which could be lots of fun...

How can you tell him? You could tell him that you really, really enjoy sex with him (I know that I really enjox sex even if I don't climax - the moans are not all 'fake' in that sense). You could then explain that so far you've found it difficult to climax, but were too embarrased/shy to say anything until now.

It's nothing for either of you to be ashamed or embarrased about and it's not about fault. Being as open and honest about it is the important thing, and you're taking a step in the right direction by seeking advise here. You want to sort it out and that's good.

It's going to be a bit sensitive to talk about but don't put the blame either on him or on yourself. Reassure him that you do enjoy sex even without climaxing but that you'd like to make it even more enjoyable for both of you.

I hope it works out well.

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A male reader, Htsn47 United States +, writes (11 June 2012):

Htsn47 agony auntMy mom, a former OB/Gyn, had the best response to this. A male colleague of hers was moaning about his patients who came in and complained about their unsatisfying sex lives. He asked my mom how she dealt with them. Her response? "I teach them to masturbate." Well, he turned beet red...

BUT, she's right. As many other people have said, how can your dear BF know what you want when you don't know yourself? Have you climaxed by yourself? If not, that's really where you need to start. Get a vibrator and learn how to make yourself feel good. Once you are comfortable with it, you can even use it with him.

And as everyone else has said, by faking you are telling him "great job!", and that's not fair to him or you. You can't expect him to improve when he has no notion that he needs to!

A suggestion for when you talk to him:

Make sure he understands that it feels good and you enjoy sex with him even if you don't climax. It's harder for men to understand sex outside of orgasm, so be conscious of this when you talk to him. You'll want to make sure he understands that you enjoy having sex with him and want to keep doing it, but that you need to work together with him on this.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2012):

"How do I tell him he is lacking? I don't want to hurt his ego, but I don't want to keep "faking" it and make it worse in the long run."

What makes you think "he" is lacking? This has nothing to do with a lack in him, or you, but experience on both sides can help.

Faking it? Where did you learn to fake your pleasure? This is important. There are reasons people fake their pleasure, and it has to do with their own internal learned psychological issues and fear of not being accepted.

If you want to have orgasms, you need to be open, honest, and willing to work on it (and you need to be honest about the past experience with him as well). Being honest opens you up fully to the possibility of rejection.

If you are serious about this guy, you need to do that, if you don't trust him then get out of the relationship.

Now, any history of sexual abuse or molestation or parental problems of a serious note can inhibit sexual pleasure.

My wife wouldn't talk about her sexual issues till she was nearly 50, her first orgasm with a partner was after she was married to me for nearly 20 years. The week after she opened up she began to have orgasms with me, and she has them every time we have sex now.

Was I a lousy lover?

No, I was a misled lover.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 June 2012):

Honeypie agony auntYou need to stop faking. Or you will continue to get piss poor sex and it's your own fault.

Find out what gets you off. That mean some ALONE time with your body.

How can you say he is lacking? You are faking it, so he think he is doing it right! Come on. Be fair. Next time the two of you are in bed and he does something that makes YOU feel good tell him to continue, if it doesn't feel bad try something else.

I strongly urge though, that you find out on your own what lights your fire.

YOU are responsible for YOUR pleasure.

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A male reader, Ayan Ganguly India +, writes (11 June 2012):

Ayan Ganguly agony auntYou have diagonised the problem at an early stage so sit down with your partner and talk to him about the issue...it's mutual understanding that would help you create a s solution...be frank and honest when you talk with your partner ..tell him your needs and ask him his point of view..his suggestions and wants..talk about it don't hide because it can grow to dangerous proportions...

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (11 June 2012):

Tisha-1 agony auntHe's not lacking. He doesn't know what you want. As you don't know what you want, how is he supposed to figure it out? You need to spend some time, alone with yourself, exploring what works for you. Use a vibrator, lubrication, whatever will help you solve your own riddle.

Once you know what feels good to you, then you can show him. It's a win-win.

Stop faking it, come clean now and tell him that you want so very much to be able to tell him you've had an orgasm but the fact of the matter is you haven't yet. Tell him you faked it because you really did enjoy it and do find him incredibly attractive.

If he doesn't know there's a problem, he won't be able to take steps to resolve it.

Be brave, open your heart, as gently and lovingly as possible to him, and you'll be on to the next, better phase of your sexual intimacy with him. Okay?

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A male reader, Sandman United States +, writes (11 June 2012):

Sandman agony auntContinuing to fake it won't get you anywhere. You need to learn what you like first before explaining to your partner how best to please you.

I'm sure (or hope) there are some things he does that feels really good. Tell him that. But also, tell him the things that aren't working for you. Unfortunately, your faking it has gotten him conditioned to do the same bad behaviors to get you off. He thinks what he's doing now is working.

Once you know what you want/like, you can tell him and he can better provide to you a more satisfying sexual experience.

Hope this helps.

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A female reader, AuntyAlexxmo United Kingdom +, writes (11 June 2012):

AuntyAlexxmo agony auntDo you explore your sexuality alone?

This is a good way of finding out what you like and what will make you climax and then you can use what you know to improve things with your boyfriend.

Its up to you , but faking it never leads to good places as he will just keep doing the same thing as he will think it is working and would likely be upset if he knew it wasnt.

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A female reader, blonde30s United Kingdom + , writes (11 June 2012):

blonde30s agony auntyou said he turns you on but your unsure of what you want which could be the reason why. probably nothing wrong with this though and wont matter but if still worried talk to a counsellor about it and take things from there. be upfront and honest with your partner though as he has a right to know how you feel.

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