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I've moved with my boyfriend and now he's putting me on the back burner

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 August 2014) 7 Answers - (Newest, 31 August 2014)
A female United States age 36-40, *ictoria Lynn writes:

So I really need some advice... I been with my boyfriend for little over 7 months... Well he got a really good job offer in Ky and had asked me to go with him... So last week we moved... I love this man more then anything in the world and I want to spend my life with this man... But since we have been here it sems like he is pushing me away... He's been working alot on the pharm( We r staying with his family) plus he's been running around with his dad and studying for this job he's gonna be taking... Now my problem is it seems like i am being put on the back burner and he don't want to spend time with me no more... we don't cuddle no more or spend any time together really... I know he has to work and study I am just frustrated... Am I over reacting?! What can I do?

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A female reader, Behavioural Analysis United Kingdom +, writes (31 August 2014):

Behavioural Analysis agony auntThat changes things. If your kids are still young enough to need a babysitter (particularly if either are under 10) I don't think moving in should be done until you've been together for at least 18 months because you're uprooting your kids, especially if you break up, you're uprooting them again. It's not fair to them.

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A female reader, Victoria Lynn United States +, writes (31 August 2014):

Victoria Lynn is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I understand what your saying... It just gets frustrating when He takes off for hours and sometimes even days to go be with his dad... yes they are catching up on old times and need the time but it isn't right to leave me in a place I don't know with kids... He used to help me all the time with them and now I have to arrange my work schedule so when He is gone for days that way I have a babysitter... I don't trust just anyone to watch my kids... Its okay to go and have fun but I need held just as much as he does... I can't do this alone just as much as he can't...

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A female reader, Behavioural Analysis United Kingdom +, writes (31 August 2014):

Behavioural Analysis agony auntYou've moved very fast in terms of a relationship. You could have been friends for 10+ years and still not last 2 years as a couple - so, you're still speeding this relationship up. Now, that's not necessarily a bad thing, but it just means you have to be more understanding than you already are being.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (31 August 2014):

CindyCares agony aunt It has only been ONE week ! If it was months, it would be time to set your foot down and demand changes. But, he is getting settled, adjusting to change of environment, working,studying for new job, helping out his family which is guesting you , and, why not, reconnecting / catching up with dad after a while. It sounds pretty normal, try and give him breathing space. Focus on your job, and on making new friends, and setting in yourself, and you won't even have time and energy to notice the things you are complaining about.

Of course , some families are a bit overpowering, a bit TOO close-knit for the SO's tastes and comfort. It may be that when he's there, the " law of the land " is that he is expected to spend a lot of time with his relatives. That is a problem which, I think, would sort itself out, once you move out and get your own place to live , and establish some healthy physical and mental distance ( Unless this is not in the cards and you are supposed to STAY there ? In which case, ... we are back at moving too fast. Your experience as friends does not really feature into it, one thing is a friend and another very different one is a live-in bf ; and going to live in another place, with another FAMILY which you do not know much , it always has its challenges and surprises ).

Anyway, again, you moved last week , it's early to get worried or feel neglected. Particularly when you know that he HAS other obligations and things on his mind ( new job, study ).

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A female reader, Victoria Lynn United States +, writes (31 August 2014):

Victoria Lynn is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I really didnt move fast... He has been my best friend for awhile... and I am not unemployed... I take care of my own like I have always Done... like I said i understand he Is working as well but when he takes off for hours with his dad it gets to be upsetting... I am proud of what he is doing foe our little family... I would just like more time with him

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A female reader, Behavioural Analysis United Kingdom +, writes (31 August 2014):

Behavioural Analysis agony auntYou are definitely overreacting. It's understandable that you feel this way, but this is a new relationship, you're moving VERY fast and you are supposedly unemployed, so he and his family are supporting you right now. Accept that you're not most important, at the moment, when he does what he needs to in order to stop needing to rely on his parents, you can have some more attention, but you need to get a job too or it will take longer.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 August 2014):

Honeypie agony auntLook for a job for you? Keep busy?

I think until things settle down to a more "normal" pace he will be more busy making a living for the two of you then cuddle.

I think his first priority is to be ABLE to financially take care of you two, not be a burden for his family (financially wise) and THEN take care of the relationship.

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