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I've lost respect for her seen as she barely even looks for work! I want to help her but I don't want to miss out on fun experiences in life

Tagged as: Cheating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 November 2009) 4 Answers - (Newest, 9 November 2009)
A male United States age 41-50, *rSweetlove writes:

So I have this girlfriend. We've been "together" for about 5 months but only spent a about 7 weekends together. She's so sweet and captured my heart big time. She lives a southwest airlines flight away from me. She doesn't have a job, barely looks for work, and wants to move in with me.

In the mean time I've lost respect for her but stayed faithful hoping that I'm just helping her through a phase in her life. OK here's the thing. I'm almost starting to love her more as a sister. I attended a party at the beach on Friday and had the most awesome kiss and a most random experience with some girl. I walked away even though she totally wanted to have sex on the beach because I don't want to do that to my girlfriend. I wanted to stay there and have a romantic night on the beach with this total stranger.

I feel almost like I'm in this relationship more to help her than I am to get what I want in life. I want to help her and love her but I'm really wanting to have more kisses like I did tonight. I can't tell you how awesome it was! I have no idea what her name is but it seemed to wake something up inside of me that my relationship may be killing. At the same time I really really care for my girlfriend. If she would just get a job I would feel so much different. I don't want to support someone especially someone who isn't really trying. I am there to help her cry herself to sleep. I am there for her, but is she even trying? As much as I really want to help her through this difficult time in her life I also feel like I'm missing out on some great fun experiences in life.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (9 November 2009):

eyeswideopen agony auntI agree totally with you, anybody who doesn't get off their butt and actively seek employment rather than live off unemployment would be a very bad investment as a roomate. I too have very little respect for that type of mentality. Respect is a very important component to any relationship so I think I would suggest you tell her exactly how you feel. If that doesn't motivate her then the writing's on the wall isn't it.

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A female reader, DrPsych United Kingdom +, writes (9 November 2009):

DrPsych agony auntYou are fundamentally incompatible with this girl, and you have got to ditch the relationship before that inner resentment festers even deeper within you. Frankly you are her social worker making her life seem better. In some ways she may feel that moving in with you takes care of her responsibility to herself to be an adult and do adult stuff like get a job. If you let her move in then she won't change and you will end up hating her for taking your money and time. If you dump the girl and express a concern for her lifestyle then it maybe the reality-check she needs to pull herself together and make a life for herself - the one she has now is full of dependency relations on friends, you and the unemployment office. I appreciate you have feelings for her but relationships are made of equals - everyone has a hard time and needs support from time to time but if she is a permanent disaster zone then you will end up feeling miserable and tired. Find a girl with some aspirations who is more compatible to you! Listen to your room mate!

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A male reader, DrSweetlove United States +, writes (9 November 2009):

DrSweetlove is verified as being by the original poster of the question

No I don't pay for anything except fun things when we are together. In fact the only reason I do it is so she doesn't have to worry and I can give her a break from her desperation and have some fun. She basically lives off of her friends and unemployment. She wants to move in with me but I have a roommate who is totally against it. To be honest I don't want her to drag me down while I'm working to take care of my responsibilities (car payment, credit card bills)

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (9 November 2009):

eyeswideopen agony auntDo you pay for her rent/mortgage, food, bills?

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