A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My sex drive has completely disappeared but my boyfriend still initiates sex every time I see him. I usually end up having sex (or at least using my mouth or hands) because I feel so awful for not wanting to, but I'm really starting to resent it. I don't enjoy sex with him now at all, and he wants it 2 or 3 times every time I stay with him. I've explained this to him and have been to the doctor, but he just doesn't understand that it's not something I can fix overnight. The doctor has suggested I might need to come off birth control pills because I've tried a few now, but my boyfriend isn't keen to use condoms (we stopped using them 4 years ago after we both got tested etc, and he hated them then).Has anyone else had this issue and how do you fix it? It's getting to the point where I really don't want him to touch me and my overwhelming instinct is to push his hand away when he tries. Which is horrible and I don't want to feel that way.I just find myself getting a bit annoyed that he keeps asking me for sex when he knows I really don't want it. It's like he knows about the issue, but just pretends it's not there when he's horny. And he gets really hurt when I refuse, saying he just wants to touch me and feels rejected when I say no. This sounds awful, but the only thing getting me through this at the moment, is I pleasure myself secretly afterwards so at least I can have an orgasm, which just doesn't happen with him (it takes a lot for me to orgasm and he just can't get the hang of it despite me showing him - this is not his fault and has been a problem with previous partners too. Toys also don't help as it still takes ages for me to get there). He would be devastated if he knew that I do that though.Please help, I really want to fix this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2014): I had this problem with an ex boyfriend I had. I did not like having sex with him. And he would request it often, despite my mood or how I felt about it. Having sex with him felt like a chore. And I love having sex. My current boyfriend and I have sex about four times a day. And that doesn't seem like enough, I cannot get enough of him. In hindsight, I just wasn't attracted to this ex boyfriend. I thought I was which is why I dated him to begin with. But as I got to know him better, there were a lot of reasons that killed my attraction. He was not good in bed. He was kind of skinny and puny, which some women are attracted to that, but in his case, to me he was not sexy. And I personally love big guys, broad shoulders, football player physique. And he had no redeeming qualities either. He was not sexy in bed, he was docile and boring. There were other things too. Like his diet. He shamelessly ate sugar and candy all day long which I thought was disgusting. I don't think I ever saw this guy drink water or eat a fruit or a vegetable. Just sodas and sweetened juices. And not even like Tropicana or Odwalla, which at least are fortified. But like the cheap extra concentrated, extra sugary juices that they sell in a half a gallon milk container. Constantly munching on sweet tarts, nerds, jolly rancher, m and m's. He had no desire to be healthy, put good stuff in his body. I was so turned off by his diet, to the point that it grossed me out. I could picture him getting diabetes at a very early age and it's like he didn't even care. And it would affect our sex life because it was like, I don't want that sperm floating around me. Potentially get pregnant with a baby born with diabetes. And he was stubborn. The type that would shun all positive criticism and would brood if you even attempted to provide advice different from his course of action. I could go on. But I guess a combination of things led to me not wanting him to touch me. At all.With that said, my guess is that you are just not attracted to your boyfriend. It could be a combination of things as it was for me with this particular ex boyfriend who I hated to have sex with. This may not be the advice you are looking for but the way I fixed it was ending the relationship and getting involved with someone who I am very attracted to.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (13 October 2014):
 Hands and mouth will do fine for him. He'snot going to complain, This gives you plenty of time to consult with your doctor who can prescribe something for you and your "problem". He's a lucky man.
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A
female
reader, Staceily  +, writes (13 October 2014):
 It will be a tough discussion but one you need to have. You need to sit down and tell him how you feel, all of it. You need to discuss resentment, tell him you feel badly when you turn him down so you are forcing sex. I think the resentment comes from him getting off every time and you are getting literally nothing, you are feeling used in a way. So tell him this. And then tell him you get yourself to orgasm after the two of you have sex. It will hurt him, but it is necessary. You need to show him exactly what you do.
The issue isn't lack of libido, I don't think a different birth control will do a thing for you. This is a bad sex life. If you had no libido, you wouldn't work on yourself to orgasm. There would be no interest in it. You do still want to get off, you just can't with him. This is what needs to be worked on.
Staying quiet and orgasming on your own is not solving anything. The resentment will grow. Communication and hard work is needed to fix this problem. If he understands the gravity of the situation he should work on it harder. A sex therapist or relationship counselor could be of help as well. Don't let this continue as it is.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 October 2014):
 Janniepeg says clearly that hers is a personal choice that works well for her and may not work as well for everybody, so I do not dispute her choice.
But, it's incorrect ro affirm that having sex before being ready poses no health risks. In fact, it can easily lead to chaffing and tearings of the vaginal walls. Which, not only sucks in itself, but makes one much more vulnerable to UTIs and other infections.
That's why OB/GYNs normally advise post-menopausal ladies to use lubricants when having sex... do you think that they are much concerned that some feisty frisky 60something would not have enough fun... ? No, it 's exactly because "dry " sex does pose health risks.
Anyway - the use of lubricants would solve the OP's problem only in eliminating the initial discomfort of feeling as you are being sandpapered. But her problem is is psychological, it's a problem of lack of DESIRE, not of lack of lubrication.
I'd stick then with Honepie's advice. Be brave, come clean, show him what he needs to do, and don't apologize if it takes you " too long ". It takes whatever time it takes, everybody is different. If he can accept that, become a less selfish lover and " work " with your needs and timing , fine. It takes two to tango, so if you can aknowledge each other 's very human needs , and find a mutual balance, good.
Otherwise ... you'll just need to find someone else. Oh sure, sex is not everything in a relationship, and the more you go on in time, the less it's " everything ". But it is still something, something relevant. So the thought of having to go through sex with a stiff upper lip , hoping it's over soon, like a dental procedure....whoa, it makes me cringe for you. You are very giving and selfless- but when it's too much, it 's more a flaw than a quality...
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 October 2014):
 Think of sex as a yo-yo. It only succeeds when TWO things happen.... the yo-yo goes DOWN, and the yo-yo goes UP. IF the yo-yo only goes in one direction (typically DOWN, since gravity helps with that), then the yo-yoer shakes his/her head and says, "Drat, I'm not yo-yoing any more 'cuz the darn thing ain't workin'.
You B/F isn't helping your sex life by assuing that the yo-yo comes back up.....
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (13 October 2014):
 The fact that you are pleasuring yourself afterwards shows that you still want to enjoy the pleasure that sex can bring, but I agree with Honeypie: he should be doing this for you.
It seems like you have got stuck in a rut of him enjoying sex and you getting nothing out of it. He should be thinking about how he can please you first, and then think about himself.
You need to make it clear to him that things have to change and you need to learn together what works well for both of you. Knowing he's giving you pleasure will make his experience better too, so he gains from it too.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 October 2014):
 Well honey, I can TELL you why your libido is so low. I don't think it's your BC at all.
I think it's having had sex for YEARS with a guy who ISN'T taking his time to get you off. What a selfish lover. NO wonder you just don't FEEL like sex. Here is the thing though, over the years YOU have "let" him having sex with you WITHOUT him "returning" the favor of getting YOU off, so what do you get out of it? other then some cuddle time and him USING your body to get HIMSELF off?
You say HE can't just get the hang of it.... It takes to long... WELL then HIS focus should be on finding a WAY to to figure it out. It's NOt rocket science. Some women DO find it hard, other find it impossible, but you ARE lucky and know EXACTLY how to get yourself off. SO there IS hope that HE CAN do it too - he is just not giving a shit about putting forth the effort.
He "could" keep going till you orgasm before thinking of himself. Maybe not everytime but shouldn't it be 50/50 at least?
YOU are killing your own libido, by accepting that it's HARD for you to get off. INSTEAD, I seriously suggest you teach him to DO you right. TRy some intimate massages with him (no sex) just a lot of body exploring - SHOW him HOW to get you off.
Your BF doesn't know that he is actually not a good lover, because... well, you are not SHOWING him HOW to be a great one. And he CAN be a great one, with some practise and effort.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2014): I think if you keep on having sex with him, when you don't want to, you're going to end up hating him and ending the relationship.This guys sounds like an asshole. You've told him how you feel, yet he still pushes for sex? There's a very thin line betweent consensual and non-consensual sex and he is bordering on crossing it. You need to be firmer with him and that NO MEANS NO. You don't ask to come off birth control, you come off and tell him you have for your own sanity and that "IF" you feel like sex he will be using condoms for the time being, because if he truly cares and respects you this would not be an issue, he would put your health and well being before his need to get off.I honestly wonder where some men come from, as for the first answer about not resisting and it's a mans "human need"...I thought that mindset died a death a long time ago. No woman should put a man's need before her own and if your needing some space and compassion rather than pushed to have sex then that's how it is and he needs to use his brain rather than his dick to do his thinking. Women have been fighting for years not to live in some society where men are held in higher regard than women, that's like some 1960's bull and if your partner doesn't understand that then it needs showing to him. He can't have sex whenever he feels like it, your in a partnership not a dictatorship. If you don't feel like it then it's not happening. He doesn't need to take offence and should actually be trying to help you feel better.Otherwise, re-evaluate whether he is a man who deserves you. Would you spend the rest of your life with him, would you want children with him (bearing in mind the attitude to woman he seems to hold, that you're there to serve his whims?) It probably is your birth control, it can kill your sex drive and make you quite low at times - which means your doctor should be looking for others that would work for you - but please just sit your bf down and talk to him and really make him understand how he is making you feel. He might not have realised the full extent of how his actions have hurt you, but he's not a teenager and by his mid 20's should have grown up enough to start putting bigger issues before his need for sex.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 October 2014):
 I will not change my birth control methods to suit a man's needs.
My advice won't be popular but it's what worked for me the best. I am not saying women should be able to do what I do. I give in and have sex but the end result is that both are happy. I felt that it's easier to have sex than to fight it, or resist it. At first your vagina is dry and tight but once the penis gets in it starts getting wet. No health issue ever comes from having sex before you are ready. I would start with resistance then after a while I would enjoy it. When a man feels secure that his regular supply for sex is there, he will relax and not hanker after sex. It's only when he feels the threat of sex being taken away, or that you are losing attraction to him he wants it more. I would also approach it with gentleness and compassion towards his very human need.
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