A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a total quandary! I've been in a "friends with benefits" relationship for over two years with a guy who has a girlfriend, but whom he is mostly only with for financial "trapped" reasons. Debts and life's stresses mean it is nigh on impossible for him to live on his own, so he continues with this failed relationship continuingly hoping to get to a point he can leave. In the meantime (over a year ago) there has been an aborted pregnancy with this girl (sex happens when she demands it rarely) which she holds against him. She's a bully actually!Anyway, he's become my best friend. But I'm kept in the shadows (to a degree) because his girlfriend has had her suspicions about me in the past, and so I'm constantly jealous when I see her posting things on FB. It cuts me to the bone when i see these things. We regularly have sex (which is passionate!) and we talk/text most days. I fell in love with him a long time ago, but as a single mum my situation doesn't fit for a long term relationship with him, but I wish that I could continue this relationship with him in a less immoral manner! I don't like myself for being a mistress as such! But I justify it because it serves both our needs!! I don't think he feels the same way about me, I think it's too complicated for him to even go there! Am I stupid to be continuing this? I couldn't bear to not have him in my life! And I hold out hope that one day things will fall into place with us, but in the meantime I'm terrified that she'll trick him into another pregnancy which because of last time will be too difficult for him to get out of, leaving him trapped with her totally!It's such a mess, no one else knows anything about any of it and as much as I do trust his decent intentions towards me, there's a massive ongoing fear in my own head that I'm being used (this isn't grounded with any evidence!). So what do I do? Do I tell him how I feel? Risking everything or nothing (I don't imagine he'd never speak to me again, he values our friendship too much). But will it solve anything? Do I try and stop all of this? I need someone's neutral opinion. Please help!!!
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best friend, debt, fell in love, has a girlfriend, jealous, mistress, trapped Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (19 March 2015):
 Are you REALLY gullible enough to believe what he's told you?????
Remember: You and he are in a "FWB" arrangement. That means that HE gets to keep his wife/SO/GF... and YOU MUST accept that....
IF/when the lady in an FWB arrangement morphs to believe that SHE has a claim on "her man" beyond having his penis available for her pleasure... THEN, the "FWB" is imploding... and this is little - if any - future remaining....
Ask his G/F how she feels about this. HER answer should give you all the info you need in order to determine how your's (and his) future will go....
Good luck...
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 March 2015):
 That guy is lying to you and playing you like a fiddle. Seriously?? He's in debt because he can't handle his own money. He's with her because he can be, and the message he tells her is that he loves her and will always be with her.
You are NOT in an FWB. If you were, there wouldn't be anything to hide, or she would know about you and would have full knowledge that he is sleeping with whomever he wants to. He is cheating on you and I bet she doesn't know about you, nor does she know the sob story he told you to sucker you into his bed.
Come on - she got pregnant and aborted a baby, yet SHE is the bully?? This guy has nothing whatsoever to offer anyone, yet he's duped you with playing the victim, and you fell for it.
You being in your 30's - you should have been around the block to weed out the losers a very long time ago, and for you to buy the horse manure this guy sold you means you have extremely low self-esteem.
And - you've fallen in love?!?? With what??? A guy you'd have to file for bankruptcy a few times over once you gave him access to your money? A guy who would tell a sob story about YOU to get into the next newest model woman to get her into his pants behind your back? A guy who makes you feel like having a child yourself is a strike against being eligible for an actual relationship??
Come on. Wake up and smell the bullshit! And you know better than this, or you wouldn't be here asking if you should end it, so no more justifying anything because you all know that is a smokescreen. You're getting NO needs met. You're in a mirage drinking the sand and trying to convince yourself that it's water.
Your child comes first. You teach him or her more by how you live than what you ever instruct, and you're teaching your child that all you're good for (and all he or she is good for) is being used.
You should end it...and begin a relationship with a psychotherapist who will get to the root of why you are engaging in self-destructive relationships, or you'll leave this guy and get with someone worse and the cycle will continue. Where is your child's father?? Is that story similar??
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (19 March 2015):
 Since you reposted I guess I'll do the same:
What you are getting from this guy is all you will ever get from this guy. It works out pretty sweet for him I must say. His REAL girlfriend will continue to post their special moments on Facebook and you will remain in the dark as his dirty little secret. If that is okay with you then by all means carry on. On the other hand if I were you I would want to find that special guy who would want to hold your hand and your child's hand and walk down Main Street declaring his love for all to hear. A guy whose picture you could plaster all over Facebook. Life is a precious gift and shouldn't be wasted in the shadows. Dump this loser and start living life to the fullest...no sloppy seconds!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2015): Do you want to know THE TRUTH?Here is exactly what you have to do and stick with it.Tell him exactly how you feel.Then tell him to CHOOSE.Is it YOU or is it HER?This is the only way you will know his true feelings for you.He has stayed with you for two years but has made no move to leave her or make your relationship official.This means he is happy with two women. Happy with the way things have been.And he is happy to continue this way.BUT ARE YOU?If you are not, then the only way to get a resolution is to ask him to CHOOSE. Or to just leave.If he chooses you, just realize what he is capable of. Eyes wide open. He will likely do the same thing to you.If he chooses her, wish him well, allow yourself to grieve because your heart will be broken but eventually you will get over him. And meet someone who will give you everything you want and deserve.I suspect you are afraid of hearing the TRUTH. I suspect you already know the answer. You know that he will choose her. You know that he will move on if you give him an ultimatum. So you just stay where you are, hoping that someday he will change his mind. But he probably won't.Either resign yourself to the status of your relationship and to what your place is and accept it. Accept the reality he is getting his needs met by two women. You are not the only one. You are sharing him.Or if you no longer like the position you are in and don't like to share him, then leave. I think often we women think we can handle our feelings but once we sleep with a man regularly, even with the intention of being FWB, it never works out that way. We do fall in love with the man. Most of the time. And then we start to resent him. Slowly it starts to build. The resentment, the anger, the questioning of ourselves and why we have allowed this to happen. There is a part of us deep inside that is broken and needed to be rescued by this man. But he is not the answer. We know in our hearts this relationship is wrong for us but we stay anyway. We keep hoping. But hope turns to despair. Because the longer you are with him, the more sadness and heartache you will experience. You will continue to put yourself through so much emotional turmoil for him. And why? When you are not the focus of his life. He is not and never will be committed to you; not in the way you are to him. You are getting the short end of the straw. You are the icing on his cake but not the cake. This starts to eat away at your self esteem and you will never be happy with this arrangement. You are only fooling yourself when you allow him to fool you. I understand. I am in the same position. Sometimes when I don't see him I feel at peace and whole again. And when I see him, the bad feelings about myself and bad feelings about what can never be start to surface again. There is a lot to be said about having peace of mind instead of living in this constant, altered state where things are confusing, messed up and hard to take.Love is supposed to make you feel good. Happy. Not conflicted. Sad. Unhappy. Love proclaims itself to the world, it does not live in shadows.I do think you are on borrowed time. It is hard to take this arrangement forever. Two years is already a long time.The cracks are starting to show.You are just prolonging the inevitable. I am sorry but it is going to end in some way. Best you do it rather than he does.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 March 2015):
 I really don't GET why people ask the SAME question over and over. Read the advice you were already given.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-in-a-total-quandary-in-love-with.html
My guess is it didn't give you the answer you wanted.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2015): http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-in-a-total-quandary-in-love-with.html
Did you just not like the answers we gave you? And decide to omit some things this time round?
Honestly, you are NOT in a relationship.
You re being used for sex.
And what you're doing to the other woman is wrong. Imagine if someone was doing that to you? With your husband. let's say? How would YOU feel?
I'm sorry, OP, I think you're in denial and won't hear any advice,even if some of the advice given on here would be extremely useful to you,IF you were to take it on board.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 March 2015):
 You yourself said "I justify this"
Yes you are well aware that you are doing something wrong.
and no you will never be more than his little bit on the side.
you are not FWB in anyway shape or form. You are his mistress. He is cheating on his gf with you and LYING to you.
and her.
and you lie to yourself if you believe he can't leave her. HE WON'T leave her.
A man who wants to be with a woman will move heaven and earth to be with her. He will leave a woman he does not love to be with her. He will endure many things to be with the woman he loves. His GF can't "trick" him with another pregnancy as he could just leave her. and if she is getting pregnant that means they are having sex... do you think he isn't?
yes you need to get out of this situation.
if you want to see where he really stands with you stop having sex with him.
FWB only works if both partners are single and not in love with the other one. otherwise it just hurts folks.
you need to figure out how to leave this (non) relationship.
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A
female
reader, lions go rawr +, writes (19 March 2015):
She cannot force him to have sex with her. He is consenting. Whatever blackmail she's using against him still isn't forcing him, as he still has the option to refuse. After all, if she lets go of her blackmail, he's technically free, isn't he.If he truly wants out of that relationship with his current girlfriend so bad, he would have found it by now. If it's all financial, why aren't his paychecks going to his financial problems and hers going to the rent/other stuff? If she doesn't have a job, why won't he make her get one or kick her to the curb since he's paying for everything? If he doesn't have a job, why the eff not since this is mostly financial? Any leaverage she has over him is leaverage he is allowing her to have over him. There is always a way out if one truly wants it. It's not always easy to take, but it's there. So go ahead and tell him your feelings. Isn't it better to be rejected and have an answer than strung along, slowly wasting away your time and youth to a man who may not ever be commited to you, and leaving you always wondering why you have to be the 'other woman'? You should talk to him, and give him the ultimatum. It's either her, or you. And if he's even a fraction of miserable with his bully of a girlfriend as he claims to be, his answer shouldn't be that difficult. Finances will take years to sort out regardless of who he's officially with, so staying with her for that particular reason is not valid. But it's your life. If you're ok with continuing to live in the shadows, being jealous of a girl who gets to publically own him because he won't stand up to her, so be it. Just don't threaten him unless you're willing to carry through. You owe it to yourself to command that respect, and falling short on a threat will only show him that he can walk all over you if he wants.
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