A
male
age
36-40,
*rancedRhythmEar
writes:Ive been involved in a legal dispute with a major airline the last two years over a discrimination claim. Ive now lost the case and the man I accused of discriminating me is gay. Since the incident (and a few bar happenings), Ive overall developed a strong hate towards gay men. As part of closure, I want advice on how to go back to the "I dont care about gay guys" mentality before everything happened. thanks. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): A few options:
1) Visit a gay bar, armed with a shotgun and a Samurai sword, and don't hesitate to use them on anyone who says anything that could be construed as vaguely objectionable. You'll make the next day's newspapers, but probably spend a long stint in jail
2) Visit a gay bar, maybe with a female friend, try to place yourself psychologically back at square one when you had no problem with homosexuals, and you might be stunned to meet plenty of nice, sweet, bright, prescient, interesting and pleasant people who have the effect of curing your current prejudices by making you realise that they are ridiculous and reactive to ONE event that happened to you, and I know full well that you know this already on some level. (A mixed socialising-oriented bar with a relaxed clientele and a 50/50 gay/straight mix would be a better place to go than a hardcore gay meat market).
I've just noticed you're in Saudi Arabia where I imagine there's unlikely to be a gay bar at the end of your street, so the options I've just outlined are probably not realistic, but you get my point.
Of course some gay guys are total dickheads, as applies to any group of people, white, black, Asian, male, female, whatever. But a person's sexuality is no more relevant than their eye colour or the size of their feet. Again, I know you know this already. And well done for wanting to change this. Hopefully for your sake, you can. I am as bent as the proverbial two-pound coin, enthusiastically sexual and not at all ill at ease about it, love to go out in drag, and I'd like to think that you'd find me a nice person if you gave me a fair hearing and you'd be every bit as capable of enjoying a good conversation about film, music, sports, politics or hot actresses as you would with anybody else.
One last question, and I'm not trying to be funny or cruel. Are you completely certain that you yourself haven't got even the tiniest trace of repressed homosexual feeling, and that this might not be where your 'hatred' springs from?
Good luck
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (5 March 2012):
 Good for you, nobody ever died from saying hello :-)
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male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar +, writes (5 March 2012):
TrancedRhythmEar is verified as being by the original poster of the question I said a polite hello to one of the gay guys at my gym recently. It wasnt easy.
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A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (2 March 2012):
This reminds me of a man I know who is afraid to death of taxi's after he got an accident in one (and the accident wasn't the chauffeur's fault either). He didn't mind being driven around in other cars, just taxis. His problem was that he kept associating taxis with accidents, even though it's not rational or logical at all.
You associate being gay with being unpleasant because you've met a few unpleasant gay people. The association though is ridiculous of course, because unpleasant people come in all shapes and sizes and orientations. Being gay therefore does not equal being unpleasant. Somewhere you know this because you wouldn't have come here otherwise.
You know first hand how unfair and irrational discrimination is, yet you do exactly the same. This gay hate thing may also be a subconscious way for you to "get back" at the man to whom you lost the case from, even though other gay men have nothing to do with him. Try and find out (maybe with the help of your counsellor) where exactly your feelings come from and how the current associations came to be. Once you understand that, you can change.
Don't be what you hate.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 March 2012):
 Sorry to hear you've lost the case , I think that if you go back to counseling, which seemed to help you in the past, it may be useful to process the feelings of anger and frustration that you must be experiencing now, and that are clouding your rationality.
Come on, TRE, you are not a stupid and you KNOW this does not make sense .
Like, the person who harassed you is gay. But that's not all he is, right ? Meaning, suppose he is also a Scorpio, an only child, born in New York and of Irish descent. So now you also hate all Scorpios, all only children , all New Yorkers and all Irishmen ?
Maybe counseling will help you find out why you link the feeling of having been wronged and prevaricated to this specific feature of sexual orientation, rather than another one.
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reader, TrancedRhythmEar +, writes (2 March 2012):
TrancedRhythmEar is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn a sense it does matter... if Im so attractive then why did this guy have to go on his racist rant about my name? If he pulled me to the side out of line like he did and said hey youre hot let me suck your dick.. i woulda said sorry man Im straight. But he didnt. He said some things I wont repeat.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): I think counseling is the way to go to see why you feel this way. Being discriminated against brings up feelings which can be hard to deal with, you're being attacked so maybe in turn you feel the need to attack back at anything about that person, in this case feeling he did this to you because he is gay- which really has nothing to do with what happened I assume.
This story may help a bit:
An old Grandfather said to his grandson, who came to him with anger at a friend who had done him an injustice, "Let me tell you a story.
I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do.
But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times." He continued, "It is as if there are two wolves inside me. One is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him, and does not take offense when no offense was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way.
But the other wolf, ah! He is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger,for his anger will change nothing.
Sometimes, it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit."
The boy looked intently into his Grandfather's eyes and asked, "Which one wins, Grandfather?"
The Grandfather smiled and quietly said, "The one I feed."
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 March 2012):
 I suggest that you close your eyes, imagine that the guy you claimed discriminated against you was a buff, studly type, who you'd like to have take you to bed and pleasure you for the evening..... THEN, decide if you would like to continue hating buff, studly men (who you'd like to put out for!) for the rest of your life....
C'mon!!!! .... WHAT does being gay have to do with it????
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reader, TrancedRhythmEar +, writes (1 March 2012):
TrancedRhythmEar is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you.
Yeah i have strong conclusive evidence im straight.
He was a gate agent for the airline. Counseling could help as i tried it before during the early stages of the case. His sex orientation has no relevance to the case as he was a racist fuck. Because of his comments i hate him since hes gay too. Understood its an issue for me.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (1 March 2012):
I think with anything where you develop hatred for some thing or someone the only way to unravel yourself is to get therapy.
We can all sit here and tell you to not judge all by your one incident but that really wouldn't help. You have obviously been through a trial and it's left it's mark but you need professional help to overcome a deep and complex issue.
Good Luck.
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male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (1 March 2012):
 explain what happened? are you saudi arabia? is homosexuality even allowed in saudi? i sure as hell wouldn't go there as a gay man but thats besides the point.
its easy to have a bad experience with a person and take a label you use to categorise them and then tar everyone else of a similar type with the same brush, but it rarely holds true as that way of thinking often lets ideas into your head that have been poorly thought out.
for instance an obvious example would be behaviour and race. while some cultural stereotypes in my view do hold true, to assume that everyone from a given culture behaves that way is preposterous. the correct way to see it is "there is a higher than average incidence of that behaviour within that that particular group than the average IN MY EXPERIENCE". doesn't mean that you will even see it again because everyone is different and you may not come across the behaviour again.
does this make sense?
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reader, Uncle PJ  +, writes (1 March 2012):
 I'm assuming that you yourself are straight? What it seems you have done is blame the man you lost your legal case to because he was gay.
This obviously can't have been the case. But now that you have done it, you tarred all gay men with the same brush as it hurt when you lost the case. No-one likes being discriminated against, especially when nothing is done about it. You feel like there's nowhere to turn and that no-one is willing to help.
But you can't change anything by hating all gay men. It doesn't allow to move on with your life as every time you see a gay man it takes you back to the case because it's still a painful subject.
However, as gay men have nothing to do with you any more. You should just ignore them and their antics. This is because anyone can be discriminatory and for you to then discriminate them makes you just as bad.
So you need to be the bigger man and ignore any discrimination you may face. But you cannot be discriminatory in yourself and just ignore the people who have no effect on your life whatsoever. Hope this helps, and good luck to you.
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