A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I've been married a long time,no children, been through a very bad patch that we came through, have always had a strong bond, we share a lot of interests and agree on a lot of things but I've put up with a lot of things that made me unhappy for the last 10 years, been waiting for things to get get better. They are better but we dont sleep together, have not had sex for 13 years, I always feel he thinks of me in a critical way but I know he really cares about me deep down, he is very good about important things like working hard to take care of me, takes care of family, he compliments me but in our everyday life I dont feel appreciated for how I put up with his difficult ways. I always do things his way, everything is donehis way. I'm careful not to do things he doesn't like, I cook the food he likes not what I like. Now I'm living in a place I dont want to be because hes not sure if he wants to retire yet. We have enough money but he wants to carry on in Asia...yes we have an open relationship so he can have sex when he can as long as its discreet and does not affect me. I'm not interested in anybody else. I just want to go back to England, share lots of interest with him. I've told him this but also said that it's his decision when to stop working and I want all the options to be open for him. Hes starting to indicate that he might be changing his mind. I wish we could have an open honest discussion about things but I dont think he knows what he wants. I wish I felt more appreciated. I used to be such a strong independent woman but I have compromised so much of what I need to make me happy in order to stay with this man because I believed we should be together
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female
reader, gettingwiser +, writes (16 July 2019):
Thankyou mystique for your reply - I answer yes to almost all your questions - your kind and thoughtful words are very much appreciated and Im so happy you have turend your life around from what must have been a deeply distressing situation, To Wise owl - I was venting and looking for advice - your long and thoughtful advice was what I was expecting and hoping for - someone to give me kick - I know where I have been weak but your perspective is what I needed to make me see I have to start to make changes and I will - slowly I will set boundaries and insist on changes that are acceptable to me and I will live a life that I am happy with.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2019): Why are you selling yourself short?Your husband is not the problem.He's the consequence of the way you perceive yourself.You don't think you deserve someone to love and be with you and respect you.Are you afraid of being alone, so you take anything you can get?Are you in some sort of a "business" marriage, where you stay together for whatever reason, but happily lead you real lives in secrecy, seeing other people?What does it mean when you say "I believed we should be together"?From what I could understand, he's far happier with your arrangement than you are. You sound as if you are trying to control him, his feelings and moods, as if you're trying to making him like you and not be upset. What was your parents marriage like? What did they expect of you when you were a kid? To be a good girl? Not make a fuss? Never complain? Or, God forbid, be angry and demanding?Sex isn't everything, but if it's out of the picture completely, well, there MUST be a much bigger problem.You are still alive, use this energy and live!As WiseOwlE put it - when his penis stops working, he'll look for someone to take care of him. Please, let it not be you!Or... don't be surprised if he replaces you with a younger version of you. Yes. You are not the last women on Earth who will put up with this behavior. There are so many younger women with similar issues he could prey on. And when he finds someone he feels safe with... well... you will be out of the picture in a sec.I've seen that happen too.Him being a good provider, as you say, is just a way to control you and makes you feel safe, while he goes about his business.If you were happy with this arrangement, there would be no shame in that. We all live our lives the best that we can.But, you just do not seem happy or content.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2019): This is one of the saddest posts I’ve read in a long time . I’m a woman your age and I hear so much sadness in your voice . Your not living your surviving . You have sold out . Only he is living here .
For the love of all that matters take the second part of layout life and make it YOURS . Actually get to live while your on this planet instead of being his pet that he keeps in a gilded cage .
This is beyond horrible . You say you consent to this , but you are consenting to this man stealing your years
Please find support and realise that there is sooooooo sooooo much more out there than this
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2019): Typo correction:
"When you've built a life together..."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2019): I'm sorry, my dear; but women who agree to open-relationships don't get appreciated. They're merely giving permission for their husbands or boyfriends to carry-on with other women (or men); while they look the other-way.
You may feel compelled to stay with him, and tolerate his ways. Maybe because you see the financial-security in the future; or perceive some sort of benefit in doing so. All the same; you must feel completely exhausted.
Telling yourself he cares about you must be what keeps you going. I can't refute that; you know him, I don't. When you've built a live together, it's like an investment. You don't want to bailout before you cash-in your dividends. I would have to presume you've incurred too many emotional-losses to hardly break-even. He's the winner. You're living in his shadow. He's the one living, you're just surviving.
Your post is an indication that you're waking-up! How does it feel to be "woke?" As they put-it these days!
You tell a very sad, but familiar story; told by very passive mature-women who have terrible husbands. They delude themselves, and try to see the silver-lining. You cook whatever he wants, you walk on eggshells, and you tolerate his harsh criticism. Yet you're completely cognizant of the fact that this is all outrageous!
You have completely discarded your own identity to assume a submissive-role in a one-sided horrific marriage. Any man who wants a wife, and an open-marriage. Doesn't love his wife. It's cheaper to keep her. She's a friend, and somebody he talks to. She's a loyal-companion (so are dogs), a live-in maid, his cook, and basically a "trusted and reliable servant."
If that's what you've ascribed to, what really do you have to complain about?
Sister, you're not unhappy. You are psychologically-abused, held in emotional-captivity, and you're suffering a case of Stockholm's Syndrome. You're being held as a willing and voluntary-captive by what seems like a narcissist. You seem so submissive, you actually believe there's a possibility this can get better.
I would speculate that once that SOB gets so old that his penis won't work; that's when he'll come home to roost. By that time, you'll be a quivering pile of human-flesh. Your inner-light will be snuffed-out; and you'll probably be emotionally tapped-out. It's not safe to push women into that state of being. Really, nobody should be pushed that far! It's like cornering a wild lioness!
You do everything you do voluntarily; and confiding your darkest secrets to a group of strangers on a advice site won't/can't change anything for you.
You have to come to terms that you've had enough. It has to be within you to be courageous enough to change your life. I see signs of life, and he hasn't beaten you down.
After being in a long marriage, and being over 50; I would suspect that you're pretty-much complacent, domesticated, and somewhat content. You have lived with this arrangement so long, you wouldn't know what to do with your freedom! Hence, you live quietly in servitude to your toxic-husband. Like a brow-beaten slave, who dreads her freedom. Something moved you to write this post, and it wasn't self-pity.
What can we advise you to do that you would even dare to attempt? Do you have the courage to escape or change your life?
You have not compromised, you have surrendered. You have given-up everything, to make him happy.
You are a martyr in your marriage. You hang on the cross to please him; getting nothing in return, but financial-security in your old-age. Which for all you know, could end-up going to some other woman he decides to take as your replacement. Remember, he has your permission.
You don't love him; you worship and idolize him. Giving and giving; but expecting nothing in return. Even God Himself, will bless us for our worship. You have settled for crumbs.
I pray the Lord will have mercy on you; and give you the courage to do what is best for you. If I were in your shoes; I would divorce him, and take him for every cent he's worth. I would move back to England, and I would find myself a new life. If you like to worship, give it to God! He's loving, merciful, and kind. No man on this planet deserves what you've given your husband. Then all you can say for it, is..."but I'm not happy!" Options of all kinds are open to you. Make a plan. Gather your strength and courage.
Then you rebel! You revolt, and fight for freedom! You take your share, and you start a new life.
You pursue your happiness, with or without a man. You do what fulfills you. Hand your life over to a Divine Higher Authority; to heal you, and save you from what you've allowed that man to do to you.
God bless you, my dear. Your post is not a plea for help. You're in the beginning of an epiphany! Reality has set upon you; and you're seeing things more clearly. Your inner-strength is bubbling its way to the top, like a volcano about to erupt! Maybe you didn't come here for advice, but you came here to vent. In any case, I'm praying for you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2019): Thankyou so much for your reply and honesty. I am very happy to hear that you made the right change for you. You are right in everything you say about me. I am not so truly unhappy and I am optimistic about the future. I do feel lonely and,I'm sad that I have to wait for things to get better but I see it in a better perspective now. I will stand up for what I want but in a gentle way. Hopefully things will gradually be how they should be thankyou so very much.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2019): Thankyou so much for your reply and honesty. I am very happy to hear that you made the right change for you. You are right in everything you say about me. I am not so truly unhappy and I am optimistic about the future. I do feel lonely and,I'm sad that I have to wait for things to get better but I see it in a better perspective now. I will stand up for what I want but in a gentle way. Hopefully things will gradually be how they should be thankyou so very much.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (15 July 2019):
 I think it all comes down to what you are willing to accept for your life. OP. If you are unhappy then why do you stay? Does the other parts of your life make up for what you are missing? Are you willing to continue this way for the remainder of your life? Only you can answer these questions. If you are truly unhappy why don't you leave and start your life over? Its never too late. Some women are willing to stay with a man because he offers comfort, security and then will turn a blind eye to his running around and other escapes as long as she can have a nice home and the security of marriage. Are you like that? Are you afraid to leave because of what you might lose? I think you are saying you love him but no sex for 13 years and everything is always his way? It sounds like a lonely life.
Life is short, don't ever forget that. I am your age so I know what I am talking about. I couldn't live like you are. I just wouldn't be able to do it. I walked away from a 16 year marriage because my husband was an alcoholic and became very emotionally abusive. We had it all..nice home, nice cars, nice jobs, 2 great kids..money in the bank. Appearance wise we looked like we had it all. I had security. I was miserable. I couldn't take it. I left it all with NOTHING and started over again. That was 15 years ago. I'm far happier now than I ever would have been if I had stayed.
Search your heart....I hope you find the answers that will bring you happiness.
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