A
female
age
30-35,
*ittleflower123
writes:Hi everyoneMy boyfriend and I have been living together for 2 years dating for 3. This summer we moved to a new town for his work. He really hated the job but had to do it to move up. One week, our sex life was amazing, he was tired but came home to make love to me every single day. However, it always felt weird to me. One day, I checked his iPad.( I had permission to use it but went snooping more than he thinks) I saw in his deleted email that he had emailed Craigslist casual encounters. I confronted him about it. He freaked out was mad but after a few hours he told me it was wrong of him and that he is not perfect and he screwed up. That he had just emailed for the thrill of flirting and having someone message back. Not meeting up.I asked if he did that in the past. He said it was the first time( during my snooping I saw that in the retrieved deleted he had emailed other C-list, but before we were together). He only messages that c-list because he was having a bad day and wanted a new thrill to masturbate .it made me think of something that happened back earlier this year. I saw he was very flirty with this girl in his phone messages. Messages that he would delete as they happened. I confronted him about it. At first he said that this girl was a colleague from his previous job( which I believed because the names matched and the girl was a good friend) then I saw another massage and the phone number.( that time I snooped so I confronted him) I asked to borrow his phone to text my mother, but before he gave me the phone I saw he deleted the message. I confronted him. He said that he was having a "conversation with his cousin and did not want me to see the stuff they were talking about. I let it go but a few weeks later he snooped on my messages and saw I had talked to my mom about it and he came "clean" and said the girl was a friend from high school and they were just phone flirting because he felt like we were having some problems and he needed to feel like a man. Now I am wondering if that friend thing was real or perhaps she was a girl from C-list.Now my worry is that we are moving back to our previous town where I got an amazing work contract. He does not have a job yet and I am terrified that he will use this time to message people on the backpage and on Craigslist. I have asked him if it was a fantasy of his to flirt onlineI have to admit that I snoop quite a bit but what I find in my snooping is not reassuring like I have found he has got a thing for transsexual women and he has been on the backpage quite a lot or on fuckbudy website with t-women. Or googled some questions like: how to date a tranny, why date a tranny, why are tranny so attractive, where to meet trannies. I confronted him about and he swears transsexuals videos are just once in a while for masturbatoon puposes. He does not know how I snooped about that. I just feel he gets a thrill out of messaging people even though he swears he does not and triées to prove he is a good guy. We have planned our future together and I really do love him but I start being paranoid about leaving him home alone 5 days a week. What if porn becomes boring and he starts flirting online to entertain himself Sorry it is a long story with many many parts and I hope it is somewhat clear. Please know that I am aware snooping is bad and I got to this mean as a last resort when I saw my relationship go weird I also know "tranny" is a derogative term and I use it only as how he used it.I am 26 years old and he is 27
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (22 August 2017):
 Accept this:
HE isn't going to stop. He will get better at hiding it. If he is not going to be working when you move, what DO you think he will do with his time?
It's not like making the "presumption" that he will continue (even if he promises not to) is unrealistic. He did it BEFORE dating you and he will continue as long as you date and AFTER you two break up. THIS is something he gets something out of. I wouldn't say it's an addiction but it's FAR too much pleasure and fun for him to give up, even if it means losing you. OTHERWISE, he would have quit it already... right?
OP you have tried with this guy for 3 years and he hid it THIS well... you don't think he will be "smarter" in the future? To keep you around?
If he was just looking for "entertainment" to masturbate with... there are PLENTY of free porn sites he could have used. HE gets something out of the interactions, the thrill of being "naughty" behind your back or maybe you just don't cross his mind when he does these things... which one is worse?
I think he is pretty immature and not as in involved or invested in this relationship with you - as YOU are.
And you DO realize that snooping won't prevent him from doing this or other stupid things online, right? You can't MONITOR a grown man. If he can't seem to CHOOSE to make the "right" decisions then you can trust him and without trust? What do you have? You have two people living together, one taking over the controlling "parent" role (you) and the other the "naughty" kid role (him) trying to get away with stuff. You can (and will) drive yourself nuts trying to prevent him from doing it again, snooping on him... you will turn into a person you don't like. And you WILL resent him for this. That is what happens when respect and trust go out the window other things start to fall like dominos.
Maybe you have to accept that this relationship is NOT what you want or need. Maybe this move is the best thing that can happen for you. YOU end it and move into YOUR new job elsewhere. What he does... is up to him.
A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (21 August 2017):
BIG RED FLAGS HERE.
You should move on, before it's too late. He may not be straight. If you don't have a problem with he masturbating or even dating trans persons on your back while you work, stay on the relationship. But it all seems like he is hiding more stuff to you and he will keep hiding stuff from you.
If he is into trans, I think he should try dating one and let you find the straight man that you deserve.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (21 August 2017):
 Okay so you don't trust him. Are you expecting things to get better? Because they won't.
You've caught him flirting with multiple women and you're letting it slide so why should he stop?
If he was serious about this relationship he wouldn't be messaging other woman. One day he will be with someone where the thought of messaging other women doesn't enter his head. This relationship is not it.
Break up, you deserve better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2017): He is bored... spending unproductive time while he could be
Doing something constructive... all while YOU
Work.... is this the man you want to
Spend the rest of your life with!
Have children with?
Ask yourself some questions and
You'll
Know what you need to do....
Three years "out of a lifetime"
...Perspective.
You deserve better... you are young.
Don't marry the wrong person.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2017): He's been on Backpage, Fuckbuddy and Craigslist looking, flirting, messaging and maybe cheating. He's not working and you are. You are terrified he will use his time to message women and trans women. You are paranoid about leaving him home alone 5 days a week.
Why on earth are you still with this guy? This will only get worse for you. It will not get better!
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A
male
reader, devont +, writes (20 August 2017):
 Whether he gets a job or not, it is likely he will continue to seek other women on craigslist.
I think he's checked out of the relationship. He won't end it because he's comfortable - he can do what he wants with virtually no consequence other than maybe an argument every now and again. He has absolutely no regard for you, which is made clear by him saying he isn't perfect - his way of justifying his behaviour. Don't kid yourself that he won't message, or even meet up with other women, again.
You can stay with him, but know that he won't change and he won't stop. Or you can move on and find someone that doesn't view your relationship so casually.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (20 August 2017):
He is deep enough into this stuff that you can't expect him to change. I don't buy the "just flirting on-line" excuse. Had someone come onto him he probably would have jumped at the chance. You have quite a bit invested in this guy and I'd like to tell you it is a salvageable situation. He may keep away from it temporarily but it is difficult to imagine him turning a new leaf permanently.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2017): Break up with him. Of course it will be hard, but he will only get worse. If he hasn't already, he will eventually give in to the temptation to meet someone and fulfill his fantasies. You don't trust him and you know deep inside you never will now. Is that how you want to live for years to come?
This is not a healthy relationship for either one of you. He's doing emotional harm to your psyche and may already be cheating and you are snooping. Part ways and the sooner the better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2017): Okay you're snooping, and he's lying. You know more than you would know had you not been digging. If you spy on people; you're likely to find-out things about them you don't want to know. If he dug around for your dirt, he'd find things he couldn't handle and wouldn't like about you. Snooping should be one of them.
If you can't handle his attraction for transsexual-females; then what is the point of your post? Breakup.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2017): Oh sweetie, you are going to have to let him go.You are going to drive yourself crazy with worry, anxiety, panic attacks and depression over his every single move for as long as you remain with him.That sick feeling in the pit of your stomach will never go away. And you will never be able to rationalize or justify any of his behaviour to yourself. You will spend all your time checking up on him, questioning things he has done, trying to convince yourself he is a good guy. Well, he IS NOT. You already know this so why prolong your agony by staying with him? The fact you stay with him ALLOWS and ENABLES his behaviour. He will continue to do it because you LET HIM. You PUT UP with it. That sick feeling I mention will only get worse. And worse. And with it your self esteem will go into the toilet. You will feel bad about yourself. Unloved. Unworthy. Emotionally UNSAFE. And it will eat you alive. You do not want to go thru life this miserable. Because this jerk doesn't see or appreciate what he has. We all need to feel SAFE in a relationship. You are not safe. You are at risk for him cheating on you over and over again. Whether or not he physically consummated his online flirtations is not the issue. The fact he flirted online period and has been on bad sites looking for sex, googling trannies, and messaging other women and deleting the messages is ENOUGH. ENOUGH. ENOUGH is ENOUGH.Unfortunately, this is a habit or addiction he has. And he needs professional help. He needs to fix himself. Most guys do not see an issue with this behaviour. They think it is a guy thing and it's normal. They are also selfish and entitled. And oblivious to the hurt they cause their partners seeking thrills. This behaviour is not normal nor acceptable. Especially when you have the heart of another person in your hands and you are responsible for their well being. If he wants to whore around, then he needs to be SINGLE. Change his status to SINGLE. Let him do whatever he wants. BUT it will be WITHOUT YOU. That is the price he will pay. And please, do not give him second and third chances because he BEGS YOU he will change. They all SAY THAT. He has already told you he is sorry, and that he did it in moments of weakness and that he would not do it again. HE LIED. He will LIE again. He keeps LYING. Because you KEEP accepting his LIES.What he is doing is wrong. It is cheating. And he has done it over and over. Yes, he is sorry. Sorry he was caught. But he does not love you enough to stop. He did not love you enough to even start this roaming around these sleazy websites.You are still young and can start over. Do not hang in for 4-5-10 years thinking he will change or deluding yourself to the truth. Guys like this have always been damaged goods. And they will hurt every woman who tries to LOVE them with the same pattern of behaviour. You will become a miserable shell of the person you once were. You will become desperate, clingy and at his feet trying to get him to change, begging for his devoted love. You should never lower yourself to any other human being this way. Take your power back. Walk away and find yourself a man who is WORTHY of you. NOT all men are pigs and NOT all men behave this cruelly. There are good guys out there. Your BF can ACT the part but that's all it is. AN ACT.LOVE yourself MORE.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (20 August 2017):
 I think, snooping aside, your relationship has problems. He is curious and unsatisfied. This doesn't bode well for the future. To me it looks as if things are going one way. Now you will always be keeping an eye on him. It's obviously up to you about what you do about it. Goodbye looks like a distinct possibility as he is skulking around Craigslist etc. Why would you trust him?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2017): Don't feel bad that you are snooping. You found so many questionable things so of course you are going to continue. You could look for his ad on CL and reply to it pretending to be someone else to see if he goes for it. At this point in the relationship, he's not going to be honest with you. Your worry is already coming true. He is already looking to flirt and possibly meet up with another person. Trust is definitely an issue and even though he is trying to explain himself, he should have told you before he started messaging other woman.
Don't drive yourself crazy over it. Try to pretend to be another woman by responding to his ad. If he meets up with you, then you know it is a lie. You will have to decide to stay with him or leave.
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