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I've been sleeping with my husbands best friend! He doesn't know. What should I do?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 November 2007) 13 Answers - (Newest, 6 February 2011)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Ok Guys And Gals here's my problem.2 yrs ago i did a very stupid thing and slept with my husbands best friend 3 times(over the course of a year)My Husband and i were having a really bad time and his friend was a shoulder to cry on so to speak.He was affectionate very hard to resist.we knew it was wrong and stopped it.My husband doesnt know and to this day the three of us are still friends.I live with the guilt every day and when a few months ago Our Friend tried it on again i thought i could say no.But he started to touch me again and i could feel myself giving in again.I broke down after crying,furious with myself and he swore he would never try it again.

Lately tho he has been flirting again..i must admit that i love the idea that another man wants me but there are time when i see him and say hello or goodbye and give a peck on the cheek that he kisses me on the lips.he touches my hair and my neck when he can and i feel myself responding!!WHY!!!

I cant go on like this but i know i give in too easily as he makes me feel amazing!

I am pulling my hair out worring where this could lead to,I know i shouldn't but i cant control myself.

what can i do?

View related questions: best friend, flirt

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A female reader, serect United States +, writes (6 February 2011):

I was the same way the 1st time it happen I told my husband and he was upset and we had been only married for 3 years. We worked it out and I still kept seeing him and it went on for 11years and then my husband caught me at his house one night. We worked it out and moved away from the state and that wasn't easy for me. We have been married for 21years and we have been together total of 28 years and my husband has been pushing me a way again and thats how is happen the 1st time. I'm very good friends with the 1st guys ex-wife now and we talk almost everyday.

I'm now in the same spot I was 6 years ago but the only difference now is I have a 3 year old. We r really close to this guy and he is not married but has a girlfriend and she is no good for him, but he is still with her. Me and this guy we always say things to each other and we would always hug each other but yesterday it was different. Then today he came to my house and we did more then just hug. My husband work out of state and he only is home 2 weeks out of the month. I just can't stop and we r BEST FRIENDS and I have always wanted to be with him. He makes my world go around and he is there when I need him. My husband always call him my boyfriend. I know it is wrong but he makes me smile and gives me a good time. My husband and I really need to split for a while and see how it goes.

I wish u all the luck but if u r not happy u need to move on. I now I'm in the same spot u r and it doesn't make it any different what state I live in I always find someone. If I was u I would try to work it out.

Good luck with what u do.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007):

I am sorry to hear of your predictament. I am in the same position and very scared. I personally never dreamed anything like this would happen or continue to happen. I always thought I was a stronger person, but somehow, I have failed here. I too, am deeply in love with my husband, but out romance isn't there and I feel so unloved and unattractive. I have expressed this to my husband for 13 years now, but until the last two months-- he hasn't done anything to fix it. And he has only started now because he knows that I have become attracted to his friend. What do I do? What do you do? Before this happened to me, ironically when others would tell me things like this was happening to them, I would say you have to immediately stop seeing his friend at all and really you should make excuses for your spouse not to spend time with them either. I would say that you and his bestfriend have betray his trust and both should be ashamed. Now here I am too--- so what do you say? I say this: If you love your husband, don't hurt him--- save him the pain and don't tell him. But if you choose this route, stop allowing his friend to manipulate you! I believe that is truly what is happening--- he is manipulating you the same way I have been manipulated. It does matter--- you are more important to yourself and you are your husband's prize--- not his. That is what I have chosen to do and how I have chosen to handle it. I just pray my husband will forgive me if he ever does find out the truth. Good luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2007):

hi friend,

I have the same problem like you.I too love my husband and also very attached to his friend and he makes me feel happy and always support me and always appretiate me what i do. He loves me much and decided he wont marry as really he loves me much.But you never had sex,yes of course we kissed and hugs but now we stopped from 2 years. Yes he loves me more than his parents and anyone and he want me to call him everyday at least for 1 mnts or so as he feel inspiration when he heard my voice. We were together for past 10 years but now he is working in abroad.I know this is wrong but i feel there is nothing wrong in keeping someone happy without sex,isnt it!

So my advice to you is,if that guy really loves you then keep him happy but try to avoid sex and i know its difficult but you have to stop sex with him otherwise its ok i believe. It's very difficult to get someones affection in this world nowdays, best of Luck and be happy...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2007):

Have you told the fiend look it stops or I need to tell my husband because you really want to work things out with your husband. Then end it and try and figure out how to fix what drove you to the friend if that is what you want.

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A male reader, Collaroy Australia +, writes (13 November 2007):

Collaroy agony auntHi,

oh boy, you've got yourself into a bit of a mess here mate.

I get the feeling this infidelity is providing a lot of excitement in your life, much the same way it does for a compulsvie gambler. You know its wrong but you can't stop yourself.

I'm afraid it looks like the only real option for you is to tell your husband you have been unfaithful and you want it to stop. This will undoubtedly cause a lot of grief for you but what is the alternative? Your husband's best friend is not going to go away, he is his best friend after all, but he is using this friendship as an excuse to bed you.

You need to get this man out of your life and the only way is to come clean with your husband. You also need to decide whether you have a future with your husband? Have things become so routine that this fling has added some thrill into your daily schedule? Perhaps what is needed is for you two to spice things up within your marriage.Maybe you and your husband can work this out and start afresh.

But you have to get this man out of your life to start with. Your husband may be so upset he may leave you , but he is the victim here and he deserves to have a faithful wife at the very least. You owe that to him at least.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2007):

Tellulah,

Sorry if I offended you,

I am glad it worked out for you and yes you are right,its not for love that i did this, it was for sex,it was because i was lonely.In all aspects i Love my Husband dearly,but I'm angry with myself that I keep letting this happen,why do i give in just because a man tells me he likes me?am i so gullible?am i such an easy lay?Am I really this stupid?How can i change this?I dont like being like this..

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A female reader, TELLULAH United Kingdom +, writes (12 November 2007):

TELLULAH agony auntYes honey I have.

I fell in love with my boss, which I am really ashamed of. His marriage was on the rocks, but that was no excuse. I should have sorted that we were both single first, and no one got hurt. But we were totally selfish, and wanted to be together. 10 years it took him to persued me that he really loved me and I was the one for him.

Thats why I was blunt with you. I took this dangerous step for love, not sex, love.

We have been through hell, and I would warn anyone, that you shouldn't go there unless you are a strong person, and believe that your relationship with your husband is over. Because when he finds out, it will destroy him.

I am not saying stay in an unhappy relationship, but dont just lower yourself by shagging a man you dont care about just for sex. Its so unfair, cant you see that.

Sorry if I hurt you, and you may be thinking "pot and kettle" but when you have lived through the hurt it causes, you will know what I mean.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2007):

Cleary tellulah I cant control myself or i wouldn't be asking fo advice. believe me i have tried not to responde but my body loves it and betrays me.I dont think it would matter who it was if someone touches me like that i get so turned on...surely you have felt like that in your life at some point?i just want to know how i can stop it?

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A female reader, mallorie410 United States +, writes (12 November 2007):

Maybe you should divorce your husband and continue to play the field. If you loved him saying no wouldnt be a 'complicated issue'--as you describe it.

One thing will lead to another, lost friendships and if you get pregnant---geesh you are in another ball park

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A female reader, TELLULAH United Kingdom +, writes (12 November 2007):

TELLULAH agony auntWhat do you mean! you cant control yourself. Its wrong and you know it, but what you do is up to you. Clearly neither of you have any morals.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (12 November 2007):

eyeswideopen agony auntOf course you can control yourself if you really wanted to. There is no excuse for your behavior. You need to stop messing around and focus on your marriage. If you aren't happy in it then maybe some marriage counseling would help find out why. Perhaps a separation is in order. But stop this nonsense with the other guy immediately. If your husband loves you this is going to be devastating to him. Don't let him find out about your deceit from someone else, because he will find out eventually. Be a big girl and take control of your life and deal with the consequences of your actions.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2007):

Mistify,thanx for replying and i am grateful but i know there is no way i can ever tell my husband.I know people may not believe me but i Love HIm so much..he is my life my whole world i have hurt him so much already this would kill him. whenever i was with his friend i wished it was my husband ,they are so alike in so many ways(except size,My husband being the more generous)but i miss the affection with him,thats why i keep giving in,i get high on the attention that his friend gives me..i know i have to say no but every time i try i give in!!How can i say no that its friends only nothing more?and stick to it?

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A female reader, Mistify South Africa +, writes (12 November 2007):

Mistify agony auntThe thing is, you already know your answer.

It is understandable that you still feel wanted, but this other guy is definitely BAD for both you and your husband.

I would

a) tell your husband

b) break all contact with this supposed friend.

He is taking advantage of you when you are vulnerable. Taking advantage of his BEST FRIEND's WIFE.

Why are you responding? I don't know how the situation is between you and your husband, but maybe you are responding to these advances because you don't get the same treatment in your marriage.

Either way, you need to do the RIGHT thing, and tell your husband the truth.

Sorry for the turmoil you are going through. I hope everything works out for you...

Good luck

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