A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been interested in a girl for over three years. I've never looked at another woman the same way. We are very good friends and we share a mutual friend. The reason I never said anything to her was because I discussed it with our mutual friend and he told me that not telling her for a while would be for the best. So I left it alone, only to find out that he had been having sex with her, not dating, but just having sex. I feel like both my friends betrayed me and I feel like it's hopeless between me and her. I know I need to move on but this haunts me literally every second of the day. How do I move on and stop thinking about this? and should I stay friends with both of them?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2012): Sorry OP but I think you're the one at fault here.
First off I don't care what you say about the loyalty of friends you don't get to call dibs on a girl for 3 years and do nothing about it. He didn't break any rules of friendship here because you really did take too long to even decide to do anything about it. Someone was always going to step in and do what you couldn't and it might aswell be him.
Now I'm a firm believer in never dating or screwing any of my friends crushes but 3 years man, I would have a hard time not making a move if I liked her too.
OP it sounds like he was doing you a favour by telling you not to say anything to her if he was already boning her. Probably tying to protect you from rejection.
She did nothing to betray you so leave her out of it in fact you were the one deceiving her by acting like her friend when in fact you want her.
Neither of them played you or did anything wrong if it's how I think it is.
Firstly they're only having sex, which means she's still technically single and available for you to make a move. He's lost all privileges of friendship in that respect and you are perfectly free to pursue her because they're not an item. So why not stop feeling betrayed and sorry for yourself and just do what you should have done a long time ago. Because frankly OP you're not going to be able to consolidate a friendship with either of them. She is going to be dating and boning other guys and they'll all hurt. I can't see how you're even going to be able to look them in face and not want to crazy just watching them talk to each other. The only option you have left is to get her yourself. At least if you succeed in that you'll have something, because you've already pretty much lost them both.
One thing, are you absolutely sure they're shagging? Has one of them told you? Because unless one of them directly said it to you, it's more than likely bullshit. So if you only have second-hand info on this make sure to confirm it with him before you go messing everything up. In fact the way I'd play it is I'd assume it's bullshit and not happening and pursue her on that basis. If he wanted her to himself he should have made it official or at least had the courtesy to tell me.
Two choices OP: Sit at home, moping, angry, bitter, depressed and picturing all the ways he gets to touch her and shag her or get up off your arse and actually do something about your crush and be the guy who gets to do that with her.
For the future don't crush. You like a girl just get on with it.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 May 2012):
 I can't see why you want to blame her. She had no idea you liked her and I guess she was doing the FWB with him because she didn't want a RELATIONSHIP with him.
He on the other hand sounds like a douchy friend who just wanted to use the girl a little longer before you moved in on her.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (17 May 2012):
 This really depends on when he told you not to tell her you were interested and when they actually started being friends with benefits...
Not wanting to hurt your feelings if he was already having sex with her and having sex with her AFTER you told him you were going to talk to her... completely different scenarios.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 May 2012):
 The male friend has been a regular little Jago, so he is no friends of yours in substance anyway.
The girl... why do you blame her ? if she had no idea about your attraction, what was she supposed to do , turn down any other guy in case in a few more years you'd wake up and ask her out ? ( that having casual sex is a right or wrong choice for her, that's all another debate ).
I think she is not to be faulted in this situation- only, in practice, you can't really be " friend " with her either. Why ? because you can't be friends with someone you are in love with. Well, you can, but what's the point, it's really inflicting yourself unnecessary pain. Plus, you want her as much more than a friend under the pretense of offering platonic friendship, which makes for ambiguity and insincerity that do not belong to real friendships.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (17 May 2012):
The male friend has been a regular little Jago, so he is no friends of yours in substance anyway.
The girl... why do you blame her ? if she had no idea about your attraction, what was she supposed to do , turn down any other guy in case in a few more years you'd wake up and ask her out ? ( that having casual sex is a right or wrong choice for her, that's all another debate ).
I think she is not to be faulted in this situation- only, in practice, you can't really be " friend " with her either. Why ? because you can't be friends with someone you are in love with. Well, you can, but what's the point, it's really inflicting yourself unnecessary pain. Plus, you want her as much more than a friend under the pretense of offering platonic friendship, which makes for ambiguity and insincerity that do not belong to real friendships.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (17 May 2012):
I have been there myself so I know how hard it is. You really should stop talking to either of them. Firstly that girl doesn't seem like the dream girl you'd hope to be with. And secondly your with a friend like that, who needs an enemy? Either way this is not about them. This is about you and you need to heal and move on. I know you can come to understand their position but leave that aside for now. When you can come to terms with the things that have happened, you can then decide if u want to re-activate your friendship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2012): I agree with the first comment, cut them both out of your life. Do it for your self respect.
Well that girl is off the pedestal in your mind now. Time to find another one, and don't wait 3 years to do something about it. But I suggest not putting the next one on a pedestal either.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (17 May 2012):
 When did they start their relationship?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 May 2012):
 First of all, I know you're in pain, and we'll get to your friend and this girl in a second, but I really have to ask:
Why the hell did you sit on your butt for three years without making a move??? You had a friend tell you not to say anything, and did you wonder why three years had to pass? Why did you have to listen to him in the first place? You should have said something within 3 months if you liked her!
You have to get away from both of them. Your friend betrayed you by not saying anything to you, especially if he knew you were interested for three years. He should have said something like "Dude, if you're not going to make a move, mind if I do?"
I agree that you need to leave them behind and move forward, but you must keep in mind that you can't just adore from afar. Had you moved before this guy did, you'd be the happiest man alive now. Remember that next time you fall for someone. Now or never. Fortune does NOT fear the timid, and sometimes your friends don't either.
As for this girl, do you really want to date someone who holds the concept of sex as so casual that she just gives it to your friend, no strings attached? Your friend is simply using and counting cheaply she who you cherished so much that you were terrified to rock the boat by approaching.
This lesson may in fact be one of the most important in your life so far, and it doesn't just apply to the pursuit of women, but to anything you want and hold valuable, be it a job, a dream, a girl, an opportunity.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (17 May 2012):
 The reason why your male friend was not honest was part selfishness, and part being coward, not wanting to screw up the friendship. The truth had to come out somehow. If I were either one of them I would feel bad about continuing this casual relationship, knowing that you feel betrayed. They were not having any fun, keeping this underground. It's good that nothing real developped between you and her. I guess these three years you had been waiting and waiting. There was tension and then you found out you wasted time on these two friends who are not trustworthy. I think cutting both of them out is essential to your healing. As much as you try the friendship has been strained. It's hard to move on when you stay friends with both of them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2012): Your friend is not a friend. Drop him. Immediately.
Isnt there a saying out there? Bro's before hoes? It's a crude saying but there's truth to it. He's suppose to be your buddy, standing by you. There's an unspoken rule among men that you do not date the girl your friend is interested in. Not only did he date her, he bedded her and lied to you about it.
The girl is not so much to blame here, because it sounds like she didnt know you liked her. However, if she's cool with having friends with benefits with guys then I'd be careful. Her sexual history may be a bit more colorful then youd like. I assume youre going to be turned off her anyway now, because your douchbag friend slept with her.
This is really an awful situation and you have my sympathy. My best advice here is: stay away from you friend, and find a new crush. This one has been ruined.
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A
male
reader, MrMcgalliard +, writes (17 May 2012):
thats messed up, doesnt sound like a friend to me and she's definitely not the girl for you, id express your feelings to both of them or drop them both...sounds like your friend played you like a fiddle...sorry
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