A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in such a mess and I don’t know what to do anymore. Without going into loads of detail and not wanting you to condemn me straight away, I have been having an affair for the last 2 years. Thing is, my husband is lovely, we have been together for over 10 years and married for 6 years. Before this affair started I was pretty much perfectly happily married, I never ever had a doubt about it. About 3 yrs ago, my husband went through a period of manic depression which lasted about a year and he did treat me terribly sometimes and I found it hard to deal with, but I was there for him and knew we’d get through it, which we did. (I mention this as I have sometimes wondered whether my selfish affair has anything to do with the fact I have been wanting to think about myself for a bit and wanting to make myself happy after spending so long not thinking about my own feelings and supporting my husband…)Anyway, the problem now is ending the whole affair. We always knew there was no future for us being together as, apart from this whole thing, my marriage has always been great and is so integral to both our lives – my husband and my lives are so intertwined now there is no way I could split up from him (we have all mutual friends, our families are best friends, we are currently renovating a house together – most people think everything is all going for us at the moment – which it should be if I wasn’t being such a bitch). To make it worse (or often easier to continue the damn thing), the guy is one of my husband’s ‘best friends’ and a person we both see regularly, so when we have tried ‘cut off’, we have found it impossible (also because we are addicted to each other now, we have been weak and ended up in each others’ embrace at the end of the night, when my husband has been in bed – it really has been so easy, its terrible). We have had close shaves, definitely, but I am 99% sure my husband does not suspect a thing, I have discovered I am very good at acting that everything is cool between us (and because I don’t want him to lapse back into a depressive period, I ‘keep up appearances’ all the time and make him think I love him very much - which underneath is very hard). But then again I DO love him very much, he is great and I can see our whole lives mapped out, he would make a very good father to our children (of which he really wants us to start having soon – in fact, this is such a huge thing to him that, despite making him wait for the last 3 yrs – they are all he has dreamed about for the last 3years of our marriage – I have agreed to come off the pill so we can start trying – I obviously feel funny about this because of what has been going on the last 2 yrs).I am basically feeling like 2 different people. One part of me loves the feeling I get with this other guy – I have never felt like this before –he makes me feel amazing, attractive, adventurous, like my own person, free and like I can do anything I want. We do get on so well, I would say I love him definitely - we are so sexually attracted to each other it is unreal, we have tried not to be, but we are and we find it very hard to summon the willpower not to succumb to such strong sexual feelings, like drugs or cigarettes I guess (but it does feel deeper and more intense than just sex definitely, we feel such love between us). But the other side of me, had I not known these feelings with this other guy, totally loves my husband, everyone thinks he’s great, I can see my whole life mapped out, totally settled down, party days behind me, kids, nice house in village, content, safe, devoted husband, looked after, but missing that excitement, adventure…I know it may come across like I don’t realise I have a good thing – I know I do and I really have been trying to stop the affair, but the addiction to the thrill, excitement, passion is hard to overcome. I know I have been terrible, but I never intended to start this, and now it’s got totally out of hand. Especially as lately, I have realised how much this other guy ‘loves’ me – he tells me he can’t go on, he has been threatening suicide in texts and says how there is no point in him living if he can’t have me. At one point (about a year ago in the affair) I really was questioning my marriage and was finding it very tough and was seriously considering splitting from my husband, but there was too much to lose – I would lose a fairly solid marriage, home, all my family and his family and all our friends would completely disown me and realistically I would have to start a new life away – I didn’t think I was strong enough for that and, like all affairs I guess, you never know what a proper relationship would be like with the ‘other guy’ – under normal circumstances, not tiptoeing around , would it be as great as we imagine or a couple of yrs down the line, would I regret leaving my lovely husband, home, family, friends and causing so much upset for everyone? Anyway, I decided against it and since have been trying to stop the affair and concentrate on rebuilding my love for my husband (hence renovating house, trying for babies etc.) But this has naturally caused this guy to become very depressed (he doesn’t have many friends and his family are a bit rubbish – he is adopted and doesn’t get masses of love/support from them). Although I know it would hurt terribly, I know he’s got to move on, find someone else who can love him, make him happy, but he is not doing this, he is hanging on to any thread of us being together (which we have agreed is never going to happen) and threatening suicide. So therefore, while he is feeling like this I feel caught between a rock and a hard place - like I want to support him, try and make him better, at the same time as knowing I am the cause of his depression and suicidal feelings. It is just like a drug, as I said before, short term when we see each other we feel so much better, but long term and afterwards, when we are apart, it feels awful. And I have a relationship to work on to try to take my mind of it – he doesn’t have anyone so must feel completely isolated and torn apart. I don’t want to keep doing this to him, but he doesn’t want to let go.I have tried not to make contact with him, but he texts me things like he is going to ‘end it today’ etc. and I because I love him dearly, I feel compelled to text/ring back as I feel responsible to help him as he has no-one else. What do I do? I so want to help him and know our feelings must end but it’s impossibly to ignore that they are still there and I am trying to not think about him 24/7.I know this is a long letter, but I have tried to give you as full picture as possibly so you understand the situation. I’m not a terrible person, unless you have been through an affair, it is difficult to know how damn hard they are to get away from. I feel like I love 2 people, know what my head tells me to do, but my heart is elsewhere. It is driving me crazy, please help.
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affair, best friend, depressed, drugs, move on, period, split up, text, the pill Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2007): Do your husband a favor and leave. If you really did love your husband, you wouldn't have cheated on him in the first place. Be honest, you love yourself. You went after the so-called friend while your husband was having a bad time (some loyalty) and now that he's feeling better and looks like a better choicem, you are swinging back but you won't let go of either. Your boyfriend isn't going to suicide, he's a liar and he's using your weakness to get sex.
I get so tired of reading about people who cheat. Does anyone understand a marriage vow any more? Please don't feed the crap about emotion and just being human because that's a copout. One of the huge differences between humans and animals is the ability to control their sex drives. You my dear are nothing more than an animal and if you had a scrap of humanity, you would leave your husband and let him go on to find a real woman. You and the treasonous, suicidal best friend can then go off together and mate in the park with the other beasts.
Marriage is a contract and you are in breach. You deserve nothing.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2007): First off I want to say that I can relate to your situation. I too am very attracted to one of my husbands best friends. He is also very attracted to me and has let me know it. I have not acted on it and am really struggling with it. I have been very unhappy in my marriage for about a year and have been contemplating leaving. My husbands friend is not the reason but it has added to the confusion of the mess. I also have two small children and want to do what is right. This is the hardest situation I've ever been in and I really hope I have the strength to do what is right. I'm not in love with my husband anymore and haven't been for quite sometime. I know most people would tell me to just leave him, but it's not that easy when you have kids.
I can't really tell you what to do other than something is going to have to give. I will not condemn you and don't think anyone should because we never know what life is going to throw us.
As for the male reader who says your an abhorant human being I say this to you. "He who hath not sinned, should cast the first stone". You need to be very careful about judging other people! No one sin is greater than another.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2007): We are human, and we fall in love. You're not a terrible person, but you have the potential to cause real pain to others if you continue what you are doing. You need to stay friends with the friend, but stop sleeping with him, make it clear that it is OVER!. He will persist, but do not give in. Talk to him, but do not get physical no matter how hard it is. If you do it now, and can stay relatively normal around him and your husband, then (and many wouldn't agree with this) maybe you don't need to confess to your husband.
But you need to make a pact with YOURSELF to end it with the friend and let him get over you and find the strength to love someone else. Once he does, you will be dropped like a hot potato. I know that sounds harsh, but thats how these things work. Concentrate on loving your husband and once you know you can live without the friend (on a romantic basis) then would be the time to give your husband the child he desperately wants. Once you have a baby, you'll be too busy to think about the friend anyway, trust me. You can still get out of this relatively unscathed, but you need to put your husband's feelings first, and also let the friend go and get on with his life.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (9 April 2007):
 Nobody can help you, people can only assure you that you aren't alone in the bad decisions department, but only you can decide what should be done and do it. Please do not reproduce until your husband has been told the whole sordid mess, no sense bring another innocent life into this scum pond. Try and do this one honorable thing for your husband's sake please.
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (9 April 2007):
 You need to break it off. You're not responsible for your husband's friend; you are responsible for your husband.
If roles were reversed and your husband were sleeping with your best friend, what you you want him to do?
This is going to blow up in your face, sooner rather than later. Do not see this "friend" again. Do not accept any messages from him, and do not see him unless your husband is present.
Or you can let the "friend" continue to emotionally blackmail you into staying, let your husband find out on his own (and he will), and then deal with the fallout. If you have any love for your husband you won't let it get here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2007): I can relate to the situation but the thing is I have an affair with a married man. I have 2 kids already but the father and I are separated for more than 3 years now. And I met this guy who's been very attracted for me not because of the looks but because of the attitude he had and also a musician like me...he composed a song for me, record a song and lot of things that make me go around...I've already stop the relation that we had but we always keep the relationship everytime we saw each other its like a magic...he cant give up the marriage but he dont want to lose me also...like what other said whenever i found a guy that would love me a man i deserve...a man who dont have responsibilities thats the time that I can totally give up the relationship and ofcourse he would be happy if he see me that way...
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A
male
reader, agony_uncle_r +, writes (4 April 2007):
yet another wife who says she loves her husband while shes sleeping with his 'friend' in the marital bed.its taken you two years to come clean so why bother now? because your scared eventually yours and his decieptfull 'friends' lies will get discovered and youll cost the man everything thats keeping him together. your no more a wife than his sad excuse of a friend is a friend. if you had any ounce of love for this man youd admit to him your a cheat, a lier and an abhorent human being and that he deserves better than you and his friend in his life.
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A
female
reader, neonpinkngooey +, writes (4 April 2007):
 sounds like he thrives off attention. he basically has no one but you to help him recover from this. so, since you partly got him into this, you need to help get him out of it. it will take a lot of strength on your part, but you should help him find another woman to occupy his time. chances are, hell still text u, and think about u, but give him time. if u find the right woman it will work.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2007): I know how hard it is to make that break, I too have a boyfriend who loves me totally and unrequittedly! I have been seeing someone else for 2yrs that he has no idea about and I cant give either of them up! No one should tell you what to do only you can decide, maybe writing a list of the good and bad sides of both relationship and decide that way I wish you luck. I cant give either up at the mo!
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