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I've been a mistress for a long time and am starting to get bored with it all.

Tagged as: Cheating, Sex, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 May 2019) 11 Answers - (Newest, 10 May 2019)
A female age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Hi guys. I've been a mistress for a long time. I can't really talk to people about this. But I'd like to know if it's normal to grow tired of being in a "relationship" which never grows or evolves? I am feeling tired of being a sex toy. Tired of just recreational sex. He says he loves me but it isn't true. His actions always contradict his words.

I feel a longing to connect deeper with him. I feel a need for love making, driven by feelings. I don't want to "perform." I am not in it for sport. I want a relationship where I am loved and accepted for all that I am, including my flaws. I feel like his love and affection are not unconditional and that if I ever make a mistake, he will find someone else.

I am always trying to be perfect. And everything this man wants and wants me to be. It is extremely exhausting in so many ways. It'sooo much pressure being a mistress. You're always feeling like you can be replaced at any moment. And if you're stuck in this relationship limbo where it's all about having a good time, then you're always wondering if he's having a good time with other women too. Because he's not serious enough about you to leave his wife. He says you're the only one but he could be lying.

Is it normal when a woman gets tired of a relationship where the man treats her like a toy? Is it normal to feel this way as a married man's mistress?

View related questions: married man, mistress, sex toy

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (10 May 2019):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntOP, you weren’t a victim. His wife is the victim. You are the co-conspirator. Until you accept your part and blame in this, understanding that you are not a victim, you aren’t learning anything from it. You feel no guilt, just sorry for yourself. It’s okay to be hurt, but you need to accept the reality of it before you can move on.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (10 May 2019):

Fatherly Advice agony auntI think you are putting a bit of a glamor on the wife role.

possibly because it is what you desire. But the truth is not so nice as you think. Husbands and wives have to work to maintain a relationship as well. There is no guarantee that a married partner will not leave you, or cheat on you, or abuse you , or take you for granted.

A fact that your lifestyle points out clearly.

I do encourage your continued growth and awareness. You have the ability to end the relationship. All you need to do is stop answering his calls. You don't need the sympathy of the board or their approval. All you need is the personal strength to walk away from what you don't want, and be alone long enough to get what you do want. Being alone is usually the hard part.

In the beginning you asked specifically if it was normal to grow tired of a relationship. In your case a relationship that isn't growing. The answer is simply, yes. And a relationship that has achieved marriage can also not be growing. It can be fading or dieing even. Boredom is the great killer of relationships. You don't realize the huge number of women and men who post on relationship boards asking how to keep their marriage interesting. There is a whole library of relationship self help books on this very topic. Many of these books are very old. This is one of the most common relationship problems.

I'm happy to continue this conversation. I think that what everyone here is most interested in hearing from you is how you are planning to move on from your dysfunctional relationship.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2019):

Sweetheart, it's called growth and revelation. It's called reaching your pentacle of self-awareness, and your values are starting to resurface. You've regained recognition of your self-worth; and now you're suddenly deciding this just isn't enough.

Only, you've been used-up.

It's a good start. This is a one-sided deal. He likes things just as they are; and if he wanted to be closer, he would have left his wife for you.

Your boredom is growth in the right direction. You've come to a crossroads.

You've seen only the beginning of your karma for your participation in being a co-conspirator in the crime of cheating on his wife. You're not getting enough. You don't deserve what you want; if you only know how to get it this way.

You'll break free once you've reached that final-straw. When you've laid-down your final ultimatum, and he calls your bluff. He thinks he knows the extent of your strength.

That will be your opportunity to regain your freedom. Time for your final show-down, my dear!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2019):

The pressure of being a mistress is far worse. She has to continually live up to a fantasy. Whereas a wife can be herself and her husband will never leave her because he loves her, warts and all. It's also emotionally and psychologically damaging. She becomes becomes depressed and anxious wondering when he will grow tired of her, no matter how hard she tries.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (9 May 2019):

Fatherly Advice agony auntSurprisingly a lot of women get tired of being the wife and decide to take up being a mistress part time. Really when you think about it for very long, the real surprise is that there are couples that pass the 20 year mark. There is so much to get bored with.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2019):

It's the OP. Thanks for the good advice. I know many would say I deserve all the pain that's coming to me. That I should have known what it would have been like. Well, I'm a victim too. No, I didn't know what it would have been like. It is the first time (and last) I've ever done this. I fell because I was vulnerable. Looking back, it wasn't worth it.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (9 May 2019):

CindyCares agony aunt Of course. I think it's pretty normal that at some point a woman gets tired of a relationship where the man treats her like a toy.

It's only surprising if she gets tired after a " long time ", because one would think the attraction of °mandatory° fun-and-games wears thin quite soonish. Like , imagine spending a week in a Club Med or some other beach resort big on group dances , cabaret shows, treasure hunts etc. It can be cool and exciting for a week or two , or a month, tops... but then oh Good Lord ! it gets to a point where one is over and done with karaoke , or Macarena night , and just craves going back to normality of his

" serious " everyday life. And being forced into a perpetual vacation would feel appalling.

Apparently, you and this man are not on the same page. You are not in it for sport; he is. You want to be loved ; he wants to be entertained. You don't want to "perform "; and he wants you to perform for him, and nothing more. I bet ,that eventually you got tired ! the strange thing, I repeat, is that you did not get tired sooner.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom +, writes (9 May 2019):

N91 agony auntOf course it is.

Who WOULDNT get tired of being used for sex? I think that would be more unusual.

You’ve realised this situation has hit its expiration date. You’re sick of his lying and his bullshit! He tells you what you want to hear and it keeps you hooked. You’ve realised this now and you want out, it’s about time.

I won’t commend you for this realisation as you’ve still helped a man cheat on his wife, but you have come to the right decision. Block him and move on, find an unattached man that actually DOES love you.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (9 May 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntYou sound like a fairly grounded sensible person, so you must realize that his acceptance of you is TOTALLY conditional on you behaving yourself, putting out whenever and however he wants, and not making waves for him in the life which is important to him - the one with his wife. You must realize that, if his wife were to find out about you, you wouldn't see his backside for dust. You must also realize that, once he gets bored of you, he will dump you without any more thought than he would give to dumping the sex toy you feel you are to him.

You are starting to feel restless because women need to feel loved to want sex, whereas you KNOW you are not loved by this man. He loves his wife. He may even have more mistresses on the go, although that is not important. What IS important is that you have a choice here: you can choose to continue wasting your life on someone who just wants you as an animated sex toy, or you can send him back to his wife and find yourself someone who is free to love you, who WILL love you and who will want to be with you completely, not just for a quick romp when it suits him.

You sound sensible enough to know YOU DESERVE BETTER. Nobody else can make that decision for you though. You have to wake up and realize nothing will change unless YOU choose to change it. Time is precious. Don't waste it on users.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (9 May 2019):

mystiquek agony auntOP you have the power to walk away anytime. There is no marriage license, no shared property, no children so it should be relatively easy to just end things. If you are bored and don't like being a man's sex toy then just end it.

I will be honest, I don't think you are going to get much sympathy on here. You are choosing to be in the situation you are in and you are taking away a man's time from his wife/family. How much compassion should we have for you?

Just because you are a mistress doesn't mean that you wouldn't get bored. Lets face it...its all fun at first but then reality sets in. You more than likely get to see this man at his best. Not when he is sick, has trouble at work, has a bad day or isn't in a good mood. Try going years with that every day and that sexy man won't be so sexy anymore. That is where real love comes in though...loving someone through the very worst. You don't have real love because let's face it..the man isn't yours. You have him on borrowed time.

Why not give yourself a fresh start and find someone who is FREE? My best friend was the other woman for 7 years and yes..one day she just FINALLY got sick of it all and walked away. She was married within the year, and 2 years later had a baby. She was a much happier person. I used to hear her complain about how she had to wait for her lover, never got to see him on holidays and always had to sneak around. Yeah..I'd get bored with it. What do you expect?

You can change things at any time. So why dont you?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 May 2019):

Honeypie agony auntNo one is perfect.

And being a mistress means that in the MORALE and DECENCY department you are definitely NOT perfect.

Being "perfect" won't make him leave his wife.

If you don't like being treated like a sex toy, then WALK away. Date men who AREN'T married or have a partner.

TRY a single guy. Someone who ACTUALLY wants to BE with you.

You already know what to do... why you choose not to I can't say.

Maybe you are lazy - being with a married man means you get to be the "fun" component in his life. Not the one who talks about bills, the kids, the chores etc.

Or, you just don't think you are worthy of more than being some side chick who isn't worthy of commitment.

Or, you actually believe this married man's lies. You think he ONLY lies to the wife. Not you. That you are SO much more special... except, he is still married... to HER.

I don't know.

Only you know why you are stooping to be sloppy seconds.

And only you can make the chose to NOT be used for entertainment purposes only.

Sorry, boo hoo to all the "pressure" of being a mistress.. Seriously... try being a wife.

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