A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I recently dumped my girlfriend of 4 years. I did it because I haven't lived my life and I was feeling that I wanted to meet other people. My girlfriend was wonderful but we wasn't on the same level, she was very responsible and grown up while I couldn't appreciate what she did for me and just went with it..I had only been with her and another girl before so I think it's natural that I wanted to move on and didn't want to be so serious with a girl when I'm so young. And as I said she was pretty boring from time to time. We didn't do fun stuff together and so on..However, after a couple of weeks I met two girls, one of them was nice but she ditched me, and the other is nice (fuck buddy relationship) but not my type personally. So I've been talking with my ex and she doesn't want me back. She is moving on now and starting to go out on weekends, and this makes me wanting her even more - the thought of another guy will meet her and seduce her. She isn't my girlfriend anymore so she has right to do that but it hurts extremely bad that she is moving on and that she doesn't want me anymore. Now I've become extremely needy and emotional, since I'm used to have her around my finger. Now I'm lonely (with fuck-buddy) and I feel that I've made the mistake of my life.How do I know I've made the right decision? I really want her back but I suppose that it's a common feeling..? What do I do? How should I think?Thanks
View related questions:
fuck buddy, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (31 October 2013):
 I suggest you get a copy of the pamplet:
"Well, now you've f**ked up the best thing you ever had... AND she's come to her senses and doesn't want anything to do with you (since you acted like such an a$$).... so I guess you'll have to revert to "Plan B".... and, hopefully, won't make the same bonehead mistake again."
It will help you through this....
Good luck....
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 October 2013):
 No, you don't want your ex back. You ended the relationship for your reasons, and those reasons are still there. She was too mature for you, too serious, and maybe too much of a homebody. Just because she's started going out more doesn't mean she's changed, and just because you're feeling miserable right now doesn't mean you have changed either. If you were to get back together it'd be the same old same old, and you'd just end it again.
You just think you want her back because being single isn't very much fun immediately after a break up. You miss her, you cared for her, naturally it feels weird to not have her around. Maybe not so much because you "had her around your little finger", but because you were used to her, simply. You were used to her being around. But being used to her doesn't mean she was your soul mate and you NEED to be with her until you die.. Know what I mean? There's a big difference there.
Now you still feel like she is yours. For a time now, and until very recently, she was yours. It's hard to switch off feelings just like that. It's hard, VERY hard, to see someone move on. Even if you don't want to be with them, even if you don't even love them any longer, it is STILL hard to see them move on. Because they were once yours, and I guess we humans are selfish. We want the things that are ours to stay ours, even if we are done with them we don't want someone else to have them. I admit, I feel the same way with my exes. This is the number one reasons why exes can't be friends! Some can, sure, but most can't. They get jealous of the new love interest. I even hate hearing about the new girlfriends of my exes from 5 years back! If it was up to me, all my exes would stay miserable and alone forever after I left them... Now I know that isn't realistic, and maybe I don't really mean it either.. but it feels like this. So to me it is very natural that you don't like the idea of her hooking up with a new man.
So how to deal with it? Cut the contact with your ex so you don't have to hear or see what she's up to. It just hurts. Remind yourself that there are reasons you broke up, reasons that are perfectly good enough, and you need to trust in your own judgment. You made the decision, based on information you had at the time and based on needs you had at the time. Stick to that. Trust that you know what is best for you, even if you doubt your decision later.. Trust that your instincts are right and that it was actually the right decision to end the relationship.
You'll be fine, give yourself some time to grieve. I say stop with the sex buddy thing, because it'll just confuse you. You're heartbroken and not ready for that sort of thing, that's playing with fire. And who knows, she might get knocked up and then you'll be stuck with that. Give yourself some time, don't be too eager to move on.. Take the time it takes to heal and then go slow and meet someone who is better suited for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 October 2013):
 So basically you thought the grass was greener etc., only to find out that actually there was no grass at all.
I bet it sucks, but, what can you do but stiff upper lip and move on yourself ?
Your ex , understandably, does not want you any more, she is moving on. That boat has sailed, you'd better come to terms with it. And, without too much bitterness- maybe you have been rash in dumping her, because you assumed too smugly that greater better occasions ( and women ) were just there waiting for you to take them.
Then again, if you could resolve to dump her to begin with, you must not have been so blissfully happy with her. The way you speak about het is so unenthusiastic , so bleah, that I think you were staying mostly out of convenience, habit, lazyness and ego. This last is what is being hurt now, not your feelings. You haven't lost the love of your life, you've lost " street cred " in your own eyes !, which is a rather painful wound- although luckily a very superficial one.
You'll survive.
Perhaps the best for you now is to STAY single, or to keep the FWB for the time being - until you are a bit more mature and clear-headed about your wants and needs, and capable to appreciate a woman for what she is, not what she does for your ego.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (31 October 2013):
 Shit happens. I agree with fishdish- you really come off as a total asshat.
You put all the reasons on break up with her on her - she was kinda serious and boring and mature.. Facts are, YOU were just as boring as her. You could have made plans with out without your GF to do "exciting" and "fun" things. YOU Just just thought the grass was greener every where else.
Did you make the right decision? For you (now) ex GF you sure did, she is not living HER life, not with a BF who took her for granted. So in YOU case, is it the right decision too. YOU want to live life, do things, see people. YOU may not realize this but you can screw as many girls as you like but it will NOT give you the same feeling of familiarity that a steady relationship does. Hence why you feel so needy right now.
Maybe having a F-buddy is not the smartest thing for you. Doesn't mean you can't go out, have fun, and met new people, but screwing someone almost random is not going to help you figure out what you really want.
I think the only reason you are feel "nostalgic" is because she put on a brave face and moved on. She isn't feeling NEEDY, but liberated. Maybe it's party an ego thing, you want HER to WANT you back, because YOU want her back. Tough cookies though. You made the choice to break up, now deal with it.
Going from a long term relationship to being single can be really odd, it's not really uncommon. The thing is you didn't really "get over" the break up, you just broke up with her and started chasing new shiny ass.
Maybe you need to take some time being single (no screwing around) just go out and MEET (no sex) and do all that "fun" stuff you felt you never got to do.
I think you have a case of, shot, grass wasn't greener after all.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (31 October 2013):
 what i think is that you have a bit of growing up to do. you broke up with her to date other girls because you claim you're too young to be in a serious relationship, yet you're between 22-25. that's not extremely young. you just wanted a chance to see what it would be like to be with other women, and once you did, you suddenly realized how great you had it before. the grass is rarely greener on the other side.
now she is moving on and realizes you did not appreciate her. she unwound herself from your ungrateful finger, and i hate to say good for her, but she deserves to be treated right.
you only seem to want her back because you don't like the idea of other guys with her, not because you truly love her and appreciate her. let her move on and let this be a lesson; appreciate what you have when you have it.
...............................
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (31 October 2013):
 My feeling is that you're being possessive more than regretful than what you have lost. It sounds like you didn't appreciate her when you had her and now that she's trying to move forward you want her to still be at your beck and call and be taken advantage of, or at least your control to the extent that you don't want her to be with anyone else but you. You haven't mentioned how you would treat her differently or how you have come to realize what good things she did, or even that you actually miss her, just grieve at the fact that she could be with another.
I think you come off as a bit of a prick here but at the same time, you didn't work out for a reason and it boils down to a personality clash. It's likely that she's putting herself out there but for the limited purpose of getting a guy that she can "be boring with" and "mature with" again. If you two got together, she would be like this again. Could you handle that? Why now?
You're lonely, your rebounds suck, and she can't take you seriously right now. I think you should just take time for yourself and reevaluate when you have a clearer mind and the break up has aged a little.
...............................
|
