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anonymous
writes: Life has played with me...when I was 16 yrs old I met my husband, who was 23 and his friend who was 35. When I first met them, I didn't like either of them, but I did find the 35 yr old very handsome. But that was it. My husband approached, my husband pursued me really hard, so hard that I ended up giving in to his promises of unconditional love, even without loving him.He was and still is so wonderful to me, if that is possible, he is a perfect husband. 5 years after I met my husband I married him. I was 21. A few months after we got married I saw his friend for the second time. I was 22 and his friend was 41, as soon as I laid my eyes on him something that I had never felt for anybody else in my entire life, I felt at that very moment. I have never felt so attracted to a man like that in my life. It was a huge attraction but it wasn't just that; it was like something exploded inside me. There was something more that I didn't know what it was but whatever it was it's been 5 years now. I'm 27 and he is 46 and I still feel the same way and if that is possible, the feeling just got stronger. I know I would be able to give up everything and face everybody to be with him. He has been married for 8 years now. When I think back of the day we met, now I can see that when we met my husband wasn't the only one who liked me, I'm sure his friend liked me too, I'm sure of that because a little flirt happened between us but at that time I didn't realize he flirted with me and I flirted with him. After we got married some things happened between him and my husband that made them stop being friends for over 2 years and the resaon was me. When I saw him for the second time we spent a week at his house, I was like so disturbed to what was happening to me, to the fact that I had just got married and there I was having the strongest feelings in my life for my husband's friend that that caused me to remain quiet and shy away from everybody. His friend took that wrong and told my husband that I was like that because I wasn't enjoying being around them, etc. Then after that their friendship grew so cold that they stopped talking. Then I was so sad with everything that I decided to have a child. I thought that if I had a child that would help me fall in love with my husband and would make me forget his friend. It did help for a while, but not for too long. Once my daughter got over a year, when I thought I had finally learned how to love my husband and I had forgotten his friend, all of sudden it hit me that I still had those same feelings for his friend and he was still in the back of my mind. Then one day we got home and there was a message from his friend, that was one of the happiest days of my life. They got in touch again and have been friends again for almost 2 years now and since they became friends again my relationship with his friend has grown closer. He is always very nice with me and talkative. Thanks god, he lives in another state so we don't see each other often but that doesn't keep me from having very strong feelings for him. I know if he was mine I could love him for my whole life and beyond if that was possible. So the trick is...why in the heck I had to feel that for him when I saw him for the second time? Why when I saw him for the second time it felt like I had seen him for the first time? Because those feelings were brand new, I'm sure that when I first met him I didn't like him that way, I just thought he was very handsome and nothing more. Now I'm here miserable. I have a wonderful husband who loves me beyond I could ever imgine it was possible for a man to love me but I love his friend...I feel awful, since I don't love my husband I feel like I don't do for him not even a third of what he does for me. I feel like I'm a terrible wife. I also feel his friend may have feelings for me too but I'll never know for sure since he lives so far away.Why has life played this way with me? That is so unfair. Now I'm doomed to be miserable for the rest of my life since I'll never have the one I truly love. I just wish there was something I could do and take this feeling out of me.Why me? Why did it have to be this way? If I had to turn to like my husband's friend so much why then in the heck I didn't feel these feelings when I first met him? Why in the heck I had to have those feelings 5 years later after I was alredy married to my husband, why is life playing like this with me.I just know that despite of the distance, despite of all the things that kept us out of touch, I never really stopped having these feelings for my husband's friend. What in the in heck can be this feeling? Why hasn't this feeling grown weaker with time? What is it that keeps this feeling strong? We live so far, we don't see each other often at all. We got a long time out of touch. Once he accused me of things I was not and nothing of this has made my feelings grow. weaker...why me Lord...Sorry this got too long...:(
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd another little thing...my best friend once even told me" I think your husband is so much more handsome that this guy, really, I can not undertand how you are able to feel all this for him, I have fallen hard before but I never felt none of this you feel for this guy, the way you describe, it seems more to me that you are under spell and not in love, this guy is a witch".
Yeah, It's amaizing I gave not seen him too many times in my life, it's amzing he is 19 years older than me but I love him. It feees like it's not only my heart that loves him, but it's my soul, my spirit, I can't really explain. I know he is a LUCKY man for having a beautiful young wowan genuinely in love with him,I just love everything about him, really, I love his personality, I love the way he talks, the way he carries himself around, even though he is 46 but I can tell he feels 28, he feels so young inside and that refects on the outside. We have so much in common, if he knew...I have a lot more in common with him than with my husband, he and his wife doesn't have too many things in common, the thing he most like in his life his wife can't stand, he loves nature, animals, he loves outdoor and his wife can't stand these things. Really, I know if he felt the same we would be perfect for each other...but it's ok...at least now I can die in piece knowing that I let my only love to know about my love and maybe...who knows some day we may end up together. It's kind of weird, but it seems I can't end the hope 100% we may be together some day, I'm 99.9% sure that this day will never come but it seems that as long as I feel this for him i will always have this tiny litte hope. And it can be in 20, 30 years, I don't know...maybe never. I'm just happy he knows what I feel about him, I had to let him know and even though he denies he feels anything for me but he and me know how he has looked at me, me and him know how he has talked to me...anyway, it does not kill me to have this tiny little shred of hope, I guess this tiny hope will just die when this feeling dies. If I spent my last day of life by his side it will be worthy...we don't know what the future holds for us..really , even though I will NEVER have him but I feel lucky to feel this for somebody,it's the BEST feeling I ever felt...this ca only be one thing...LOVE, it can not be any other thing...I'll carry him inside me forrver, till I die...
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGosh - you are being such a jerk! Do you know what it seems to me? THAT YOU ARE NOT HAPPY EVERYTHING TURNED OUT TO BE OK. It seems you are envious that my husband is still able to love me and forgive me...yeah, I gotta admit, I'm a LUCKY woman to have such a wonderful man MADLY in love with me after ALL the pain I caused him. My husband knows me deeply, he knows aLL the hurt I cause him it was not on porpose. I do love my husband , not like I love his friend. My love for his friend is UNCONDIONAL, there's NOTHING he did to make me feel this way., Like right now I feel like hating him because he told that to so many people, but I don't. I feel like wishing him bad but I'm unable to, my love for him does not let me feel angry at him for too long, all I gotta do is think of his smile and ALL my anger melts away. Really, I'm glad he is happily married. My love for my husband is NOT uncondional, let's say my husband turn out to treat me bad I'm sure I'd stop loving him in a second. When I married my husband I just like him, everything I turned out to feel for him he cause me to feel this way because he is just TOO WONDERFUL. Look...he is handsome, he treats me like a queen since day one, he does absolutely everything for me, he is a beautiful person inside, he is the best person I ever met, he has the purest heart out there, he is generous, kind, loving, thoughtful, he cooks great, he takes breakfast in bed for me,really, my husband IS NOT far from perfection, he is almost perfect, God was truly inspired when he created my husband, what an awsome human being he has created! And on top of all that our sex life is GREAT, our sex life just gets better and better after 6 years we have been married...so you tell me now, how am I not going to like my husband very much? IT'S IMPOSSIBLE! My love for his friend made so blind but so blind that I could not see anything else but my feelings for him, now that I know his friend doesn't feel the same, I have looked at my husband with different eyes, really, I'm realizing that although I never felt for my husband what I feel for his friend but I do like my husband more than I thought and I know I CAN now make him very happy, before I was so caught up in so many things that I could not give my best to him, just now I can. Before my relationship with my husband it felt like a prison because I wanted to leave him but I could not and now I CAN leave him but I do not want to. I want to be with my husband more than I ever did in my life.
So I have the right to be happy with my husband or another guy if his friend doesn't love me. And I do not want another guy, I want the father of my daughter. And even though my husnband is still very hurt but I know he will allow love to speak louder, even if he decides to divorce, when time comes and I'll be ready to leave, I doubt he will really let me go. My husband just loves me too much and now I will give him back everythinhg he has given to me, because love is more a verb than a feeling and I will choose to love him with my everyday action, something I never did before.
REally, I can tell you are just so jeolous... you are.
Awhile ago I was feeling awaful, I was feeling suicidal, I felt like I could not bear all the pain, hurt and shame that revealing the truth had caused, I even e-mailed RJ girl telling her I was going to commit suicide...but one day I decided that I WILL NOT LET THIS MISTAKE TO RUIN MY LIFE and I'm not letting! I will be happy with or without my husband, I will be happy with or without his friend's love. I have a beautiful daughter who needs me more than anybody else and it's for her that I'm fighting for my happiness because just being happy I will be able to be the best mother I can be. Really, you are not happy for me, but it's ok...I do not know and you don't have to...but please don't feel envy of me...
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2006): True love needs to be reciporcated- END OF IT!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2006): Stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop playing the victim role.
I in no way see or feel that you desire to change and make your marriage work.
GET SOME BLOODY MARRIAGE COUNSELING FIRST!!!
And get yourself some bloody individual therapy; it is clear that no one on this site can be of help and that is EXACTLY why you come on here.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEverything I said to my husband I'm being 100% honest. So if my husband leaves me and I never feel this feeling again so I'll never marry again? So I'll condemn myself to be alone just because my only true love doesn;t love me and I'm unable to feel the exact same feeling? I'm not the first neither the last to love someone that doesn't feel the same and it seems even though it hurts like hell, but everybody turn out to be ok and happy with someone else, right? I truly, truly love his friend and I know I'll never feel this for any other man, I'll just feel this for his friend and when this feeling dies I AM SURE I will not feel again. People say that when love is not reciprocal it dies so with me it won't be different, this feeling is NOT immortal. So if my husband allow hurt to speak louder than his love for me I'm sure he will regret later because my husband truly loves me and I'm sure I'll find another nice guy soon because I am pretty, atractive and interesting. So if in the end I'm gonna marry someone I'll like very much so I'll just stay with my husband, I like him very much, our sex life is great, we get along really well, so the only that was ruining our relationship it was to lie to him , it was to hold on to the fantasy that his friend could feel the same for me, now that I do not lie to him anymore, now that I know for sure his friend doesn't like me, I'm sure we CAN still be happy...My husbnad does need counseling since he doesn't know what to do and as for me Thnak God I was able to figue out everything on my own so I do not need counseling anymore. Counsweling is when you are confused, unsure and I'm not like that anymore, I know exatcly what I want, I want to be happy with my husband and if he lets me go then I'll just be hapy with someone else, I already decided I will feel happy with or without my husband, life is too short to be dwelling on mistakes forever. I cried for 5 years because I was miserable holding things in and lying, now that I set myself free am I going to cry more 5 years over the pain and shame that revealing the truth brought? NO WAY! I'm done crying, I'm done feeling unahppy now I will truly feel happy, so his friend doesn't love me- great! May he be happier with his wife thah ever before and if my husband decide to let me go I'll undertand because I have given him the ultimate pain a wife can cause her husband and I can't put into words how sorry Iam. If i felt absoluteky nothing for my husband and my husband didn't love me anymore then I think we should divorce but since that is not the case at all, I think we need to put all thse behind us and stay together and be happy because I know we CAN be happy. I wanto to br with my husband more than I ever did in my life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2006): Please...get some individual counseling. I sense that there will be another "incident" due to the fact that you still haven't made a choice; you let others do it for you.
That stay with me because you love me...emotionally manipulative.
You both will need some marriage counseling as I suspect that the loving man at your side will struggle with trusting you and this in turn will turn things sour.
Talk it over, work it out, and overcome this with a counselor who is there to help you both in this time of turmoil.
You just talked yourself in circle over letting this go and holding onto it.
Please humble yourself enough so you can be honest with yourself and in turn, those in your lives whom you should love and care about and get some individual counseling ASAP.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi there- just givind an update. My husband's friend just didn't tell my husband, and his wife, he also told another friend that we all know, I was so mad. I think he acted like a jerk with me, it's ok to have told his wife and my husband but to tell this other friend without asking my husband if it was ok first, it was so wrong. After a very sincere talk with my husband I told him I want to remain with him because I know I will NEVER feel this feeling again and eventually I'm going to date again and get married just because I will like the guy very much, because even though I'd like to think that I'll never settle for less than this feeling but I have to be realistic, if I never feel this again I'll end up getting married again anyway because nobody is able to stay alone. So I told my husband as long as I like a nice guy very much it will be enough for me to get married again, so then I want to stay with him, because I may not love him but I like him alot. My husband said his heart is like a batlle ground, at the same time he loves me and still wants to stay with me but at the same time he feels that's not right. So do you guys think I'm wrong to want to stay with my husband after all this? Really, this kind of feeling you just feel once, I'm sure I will never love another man like this so Im not going to condem myself to be unahppy just because who I love doesn't love me, so I decided I'll be happy with whoever loves me , wether my husband or another guy. I told my husband I will not let this mistakes to ruin my life, I'm going to be happy with him or without him, I told him you still love me so stay with me. I told him if I was in his place, if I could have his friend even his friend not loving me I'd accpet, as long as he could find a way to be happy with me and I'd always hold on to the hope that feeling would come. I told my husband that lying to him and hiding that for 5 years it was trulu killing me and I was miserable, now that I set myself free I feel that there's still a chance for us to be happy as a couple, now that I don't lie to him anymore, now that I know his friend doesn't feel the same I'll be able to give my best to my husband, something I NEVER did in these 5 years of marriage. My husband doesn't know what to do yet but I'll wait patiently. His friend advised him not to take into consideration my feelings for him when deciding what to do but to take the fact everything he has given to this relationship and what I have given to him. I never felt I was a good wife to my husband because I was too caught up in feeling miserable and unhappy, now I do not feel like this anymore, now I want to be with my husband more than I ever did in my life, I feel I can now be happy with him, even loving his friend.I can't wait for this feeling to die...how long do you think it will take? Like 2 years at the most? Is there anything I can do to get rid of this feeling? It almost feels like I want to hold on to this feeling because it's the best feeling I ever felt, it feels so good but so good to feel this for someone, the only thing that hurts is to know he doesn't feel the same but even though I know I will NEVER be with him but I feel like having this feeling just for the sake of feeling this, because it's really, really a very good feeling. Just I know what I feel when I think of his smile...I can't even put into words. I'm happy he is happily married, really and I told him that. I told him it was NEVER my intention to ruin his marriage or to destroy his love for his wife, I just wanted him if he wanted me too, since he doesn't, I'm happy for him.
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reader, RJGirl  +, writes (31 July 2006):
 Send me a message sometime so that we can continue to chat in private. This is becoming a lengthy chain.
Anyways, harsh as this may be, Ariel is right. You are in denial right now, hun. You need to face the fact that this man will never have feelings for you, and that he is happy with his wife. I know it's hard to accept, as you have thought on this for so long and want so badly for something to be there, but the truth is, there is nothing between the two of you and there never will be. It may take time to realize the truth to the matter, but that's okay. Just don't sit around telling yourself that he might be interested, because it's safe to say that he is not. Don't keep tricking yourself into believing that. As for the email thing, I don't check my email every day. Some messages can end up sitting there for weeks before I get around to checking them. That was probably the case with your husband's friend. I hope you're taking steps towards meeting with a therapist, because I think that will really help you deal with this entire situation. Counseling will help you see this with a whole new light. You'll learn to see things as they are, and with that insight, you can better decide the course of action you will take. I really hope none of this comes off as insensative, because I am not at all trying to be. I feel very much for you and your situation. Again, I encourage you to send me a message so we can talk in private and more frequently. It tends to be hard to keep up with followups. I also hope you're doing what you can to keep yourself happy right now. That is what you really need. Frankly, it's what we all need. I'd love for you to let me know how things are going. Take care!
~RJGirl
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reader, ariel  + ♥, writes (29 July 2006):
 I think you are in denial,he has to think about his wife who he loves and his friend who means something to him and you who will not understand that he feels nothing for .
Please do yourself a favour and go for councelling.They will help you put things in perspective.xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnother thing...he took 3 days to let me know he doesn't like me. I mean, if I receive an e-mail from my friend's husband telling me he loves me and I don't feel anything at all for him, why would I take 3 days to respond? I would respond right away. But if he took 3 days , it because he was putting some thought into it. Another thing, 2 days ago I sent him an-mal and I told him that actaully it wasn't just his niceness that made me think he liked me, there were other things like the hug, the tone of his voice, the fact he always looked at me all the times he caught me looking at him, the days he called knowing my husband wasn't home. He didn't say anything. I never told these things to my husband and I will never will, my husband thinks that it was just his niceness that made me think he liked me, but I and his friend know that it wasn't just that. Now I really think he likes but he is fighting...please tell me if I'm crazy...Does he really need to feel that bad about seeing me if he doesn't feel anything at all for me ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRJGIRL- I'm liking so much to talk to you that I'm almost giving you my phone number...lol But guess what? I screw again. This morning I sent an-mail to him again and I said" I'm sure this day will NEVER come, but if some day you wake up and realize that maybe there's something in you for me, don't hesitate in letting me know. Also I'm going to your city to visit my friend, I'm sure you won't want to talk to me but in case you will let me know" He forward this e-mail to me and my husband, he said I was offering myself to him, he said he is just trying to defend the love he has for his wife. I asked him why he felt was important for my husband to know I had feelings for him? And he said how could he talk, listen to my husband knowing he was keeping something important about his wife? He also said I was disrespectful and my actions were truly sick, he said I'm trying to ruin his marriage and destroy the love he has for his wife. My husband got very upset with me, he could not understand why I sent him the e-mail. RGGIRL, please help me, but I have a little voice inside that tells he likes me too even though after he said he doesn't. Just I know about that hug, Just I know about the look in his eyes, just I know how sweet and soft the tone of his voice was, so when I sent him the e-mail I was thinking of these things, I can't believe he doesn't feel anything at for me. Today my husband asked something that made come this to my mind. My husband asked" What if he was weak and something had sparkled inside him now that he knows you have feelings for him?" Then, I still can't understand why he forced me to tell my husband about this, I put myself in his place and I wouldn't do what he did. Then this question came to my mind and I thought what if he is trying to protect himself from me? I'm not saying his feelings for me may be as strong as mine for him, but I can't believe he doesn't feel anything at all for me and that question made think this, reflect with me...if he feels absolutely anything at all for me why he is so worried about seeing me or talking to me again? Then he said I'm trying to ruin his marriage and destroy his love for her, but if he really loves her he doesn't need to worry about that , after all his feelings for me are just friendship and nothing more so he should not be afraid of seeing or talking to me since he says he feels nothing for me, do you agree? Now, if he feels something for me but he doesn't want to pursue that, then he needs to be strong. If he hadn't forced me to tell my husband we would still see each other every once in awhile, then how would he feel seeing me knowing I have such strong feelings for me? He didn't tell his wife about this, he didn't tell anybody, he just wanted my husband to know and why? I think that letting my husband to know that he is protecting himself in getting involved with me. Please, am I going crazy? Does that make sense to you? Like, I thought about when I was single and I had a few friends that fell in love with me, after they declared their love, I said I was sorry I didn't like them that way but we could still be friends, none of them kept the friendship. I could still be friends with them because to know how they felt about me it didn't change how I felt about them, I could still hung out with them knowing they liked me, because that didn't mean anything at all for me, but for them it meant a lot so they became distant. So if my husband's friend doesn't like me at all he doesn't need to worry about seeing me or talking to me, but if he likes me and is trying to avoid the feeling then he has to protect himself, how? Letting my husband to know...does that make sense? If he doesn't like me at all, so I don't have any power to destroy the love he has for his wife...am I crazy or it makes sense?
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reader, RJGirl +, writes (29 July 2006):
I think counseling will actually be a really good thing to get yourself into. That'll definately help you to clear your head and figure out why you feel the way you do. I also agree that counseling will help you in making your decisions on what to do with your life. I'm glad to hear that you've decided to give it a try. Even the most well-adjusted people should try counseling. Maybe your husband should try it too. Anyways, counseling-kick aside, I must tell you that despite all I've said about letting yourself be free and divorcing your husband, I could never say whether that was such a bad thing. Many people get married and stay married their whole lives without ever loving each other, simply because they wanted to have someone to come home to and someone to take care of them. If you're not really searching for anyone to love, perhaps staying with your husband is actually not such a bad choice after all. If you choose to stay with him, you have someone to come home to, someone to take care of you, a stable home for your daughter, and a functional family. Just remember, if this is the path you decide to take, you will have uprooted the chance for true love out of your life forever. To be fair, though, there are people out there who think that true love doesn't exist, and it's all a matter of finding someone to just get along with. Although you love your husband's friend, you have to let that fantasy go. You now know that it will never happen, and you must face that in order to move on. Don't search for that look in his eye or a hug too big for someone who's just a friend, because it isn't ever coming. Even if you think it's there, you know it's not. Be honest with yourself in admitting that there is nothing between you two, and there never will be. It may hurt, but you need to know it before you can get over him. As some final words to you, I want you to know that you don't need romantic love in order to be happy. You don't need your husband or your husband's friend or any other guy in the world for you to find joy. Can you look at your own beautiful daughter without smiling? Don't you see the father of your child as one of the best men in the world? These things that make you smile, especially your daughter, is where you will find true happiness. Maybe "freedom" isn't what's up your alley, but I know that happiness is. You just have to choose it. Find those things that make you happy and let yourself be happy. You are in my thoughts and prayers, sweetie. I wish you the best of luck in everything you do.
~RJGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks RJGIRL- I agree with everything you said but I don't want to decide anything till I have got some counselling. I've told my husband that my happiness doesn't matter, I told him that either way I won't be truly happy, wether I'm with him or without him.What would make me happy would be to hear that his friend had feelings for me too. I told him I feel I have hurt him too much and now I want to make it up for him, I told him I'll do do whatever he wants to me to, If he wants me to stay with him , I will, if he wants to divorce me, we will. You know, you may say I say this just now and that will change but I can't tell you it will never change, I realy doubt I'll ever feel this strong for someone else and I know I will never settle for less, I love abosultely everything about his friend, I will always be looking for the look in his eyes, for his smile, for the glow in his face, I can't put into words everything I feel for his friend, I just now that it's hard to believe I will feel that again and the person will feel for me too. Before I had these feelings for my husband's friend sometimes there was a guy here and there that caught my eye, wich was normal since I never was in love with my husband, but after I saw his friend and started feeling this for him, NEVER any other guy caught my eye. Like, after I told the truth for my husband and I'd go to places by myself or with my friends, I'd try to imagine" let's say I'm divorced right now, let's say if I can see someone I'd slighty consider" and I never found anybody. I know I'm pretty and attractive and many guys flirt with me but I don't feel absolutely anything, this feeling I have for his friend is all over me, as long as I'm in love with his friend I know I'll never be able to fall in love again, this feeling has to die now, if it never dies I'm cursed. My best friend advised to stay with my husband, she said it can't be that hard to be with someone like him and actuatlly it isn't. What it was making very hard for me to continue with my husband was the lie, the lie that I love him. You know, I've always hated lies and to lie like that for 5 years was trully killing me and then plus my feelings for his friend, now that everything is out there despite of all the hurt and pain I feel in peace, I feel relieved. So in the long run I don't see how I would be able to stay with my husband for my whole life without loving him but at the same time I don't want to be out there on my own, my husband takes very good care of me, I feel secure and protected, I don't know how I'd feel loosing that sense of being protected and taken care of, even though my husband said that he will always be there for me after we divorce but I don't know...it won't be the same. So I need to get some counseling, after that I hope I will be sure what to do next.
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reader, RJGirl +, writes (28 July 2006):
Oh hun, I am so proud of you for letting everything out. You're right, though, you mustn't let yourself feel regret. You've done the right thing. You've asked all your questions and gotten all your answers, and now the truth is out there. Whoever said that the truth will set you free was a wise individual. You told your husband's friend the truth and gotten the answer you had been wondering about for years. You told your husband the truth, and now you can finally set out on your own path to find someone to love, who will love you back just as much. It would be wonderful if things would work out just for convenience, but that's not how the world works. You were married to a man who had all the love in the world for you, but you did not love him. Instead you loved another who did not love you, but loved his wife. No, that's not convenience at all. But now you've taken the first and most important step in recreating yourself and your life. You've been honest, and I bet that you can breathe a sigh of relief because of it. I know you love your husband's friend, but things can't always work out the way we want them to. He was being a good friend to you and to your husband in asking you to tell your husband the truth. In doing so, he lifted a burden from your shoulders. Take comfort in knowing that all's well between friends. Not just your husband and his friend, but you and your husband as well. I'm sure giving him the chance to find someone else will be the best thing for him in the long run. As I'm sure that giving yourself a chance to find someone else will be best for you. Your daughter will be taken care of, and if there is no bitterness or resentment between you and your husband, she might even grow up with a better childhood than if you two had stayed together. Take this time now to spread your wings and fly away. You're a free bird. Doesn't it feel good?
~RJGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNow that my husband knows I feel like I must leave for sure, I put myself in my husband's place and I can't undertstand how he still wants to stay with me after all the pain and embarasement I have caused him. I still feel it was so wrong for his friend to make me tell him, I can't even look at my husband anymore. I feel so bad and guilty for all his pain. I keep reminding myself that despite of all pain, hurt, shame that revealing my feelings has brought but I can't regret...I refuse to regret...I love his friend so much, this feeling feels like a curse, I needed to find out how he felt for me and the only way to know that for sure it was to tell him first how I feel for him...I'm so hurt...my husband is so hurt but he still loves me, I can't comprehend how he is able to love me and forgive me for everything, any man in his shoes would hate now...I feel so bad, just time will heal all this, please...pray for me. This has been the most difficult time in my life, I feel like I need to make it up for my husband, I can't hurt him anymore, I'm done hurting him , I'll do what he wants me to do...I feel awful...why Did I have to love his friend so much? Why? I love him more than I can put into words, I know for sure I will never feel this for anybody else in my life...How it hurts...
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reader, carebear +, writes (27 July 2006):
 God please try to work thing out with your hubby you are very lucky he must love you to bits please don't make us all cry, all the best and take care xx
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reader, Irish49  + ♥, writes (26 July 2006):
 I have been following your posts with interest, dear. I am glad to hear, your situation has resolved itself and had a positive ending. Just wanted to wish you and you daughter the best, in your future. Stay strong, good luck and god bless.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is my last post on this, because now everything is over. First I want to thank everybody that replied and a EXTRA THANKS for RJGIRL, whose words helped me the most. You were right girl, I had to let the beast out of the cage,my husband and I are still very sad and hurt with all this but it was best this way, I could not go on not being sure how his friend felt for me. My husband and his friend talked and his friend didn't say anything bad about me,he didn't ridicule my feelings, he agreed with me about the things I said about love, he says he doesn't know or understand why I feel this way. I'm glad he and my husband are still friends. Now I'll search for the Lord more than ever before in my life, I need to feel He will be leading to what to do next, if I can't have who I love so I guess I should stay with who loves me, I'll look for counselling. I NEVER expected my husband to undertand this, anyway, I feel very blessed to have meet a such special man like my husband, a man who is truly my best friend. Now that everything is over I'll focus on my daughter, my husband is still willing to be with me, He said he still loves me despite of everything, my best friend adviced to stay with my husband and I don't know yet what do, my husbabd wants me to be happy and I want him to be happy too, he said I don't need to worry about my daughter not being happy, he said even though we divorce she will still be happy because we'll always be friends. I know I will never be able to find a man who loves like my husband does, I don't need to decide anything right now, so I'll put my focus on my daughter and I'm sure God will guide me what to do next. Nothing has changed how I feel, I still love his friend but now I now this feeling is the process of dying. Now I can have peace at least, nothing haunts me anymore, I can die in peace knowing I didn't lie to my husband my whole life, my husband has forgive for everything and I'm sure God has forgive me too. Thanks again RJGRIL, you were the only one who understood my feelings for my husband's friend, like I said, if I could keep that feeling for myself, I would, but I coudn't anymore, I felt he liked me too, it was everything a big misunderstood, he said the way he was with me it's how he is with everybody and I'm sorry I took that as a sign he liked me too, now I can live being sure he does not love me. Now that everything is over, I can move on. Nothing like being in peace with yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI told my husband and you will believe his reaction. He said i just feel a teenager crush on his friend. He said he doesn't hate, he said he wished I had told him that first then he could get me out of telling his friend. I didn't go into details about my feelings for his friend but if believing it is a crush will make him feel better then I'll let him believe that. It's all over now. My husband and I will be friends now and my daughter will be just fine.
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reader, Wild Thaing + ♥, writes (24 July 2006):
 Anon, although I have never met her I care about what happens to your daughter. I regret that you think I am being mean to you, but you'll get over it. I am not so sure though that your daughter can handle much more of this anguish, and this matters more to me.
My parents divorced when I was 19, but my brother was only 4. And he suffered the most of all of us because after the divorce he grew up among old, bickering people. 20 years later he is still suffering because he battles depression. This is why I am so concerned about the effects of divorce on innocent children. It is also the reason that I haven't given up on you.
Consider this: If you don't turn your thinking around soon, your daughter will suffer damage that will be with her for the rest of her life. She doesn't get to choose this, but there is still time for you to make choices on her behalf that keep her from a lifetime of suffering.
I hope you love your daughter enough to see what is important and what the agony aunts here are trying to tell you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2006): Wild Thaing, I totally agree with you in all you have told this woman. But she's in denial as to the very hurt and damage she has caused innocent people..simply because her feelings count more than anyone else's. She's sees 'nothing' wrong with her choice to love a man who is happily married, which is the tragedy of all this. Other lives have been damaged as a result. She would've been better off, getting a divorce, years ago when she stopped loving her husband and working at becoming a strong, independent woman, making it on her own in this world. At least her husband would've accepted a divorce based on his unlovability, rather than knowing his wife has had the hots for his best friend all these years! He then could've healed, recovered and found someone who truely loved and accepted him for who he is. This woman chose the wrong path. And now she must bear the consequences.
The best we can tell this woman, is:
Sweety, you have to realize that life is not all just about you and what you want. Clearly if you had the maturity and rationale and thought this through, you would have made better, more maturer choices. At the rate you are going-you will end up a very lonely person. You need counselling for your emotional problems. RJGirl told you to ' let your feelings be known by telling this man'. This was not the best advice. Sometimes in life, the true mark of maturity is to learn when to keep your mouth shut and thinking things through and having compassion for the other innocent people in this soap opera. (this other man, his wife, your husband and your daughter) Malyce was correct when she said "Was telling your married man about your feelings, a wise course? Did you explore all avenues and outcomes of you revealing how you felt and all possible consequences?" You recieved excellent advice from most of these Aunts..now get out there and forget this married man, divorce your husband and live a life of integrity and generosity to others. A life your daughter can admire and learn from you. She is depending on you to make the best choices in regards to her well-being. If you divorce your husband, at the very least...give her a stable life because let me say, divorce is a bitch at the best of times. She will now need you more than ever. Focus on her! And get into some counseling for yourself. Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are mean. Thanks, your words just made feel worst.
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reader, Wild Thaing + ♥, writes (24 July 2006):
Anon, the die is cast. More than ever you must be strong for the sake of your daughter.
In the coming days, concentrate on putting a smile on your daughter's face. Let go of the guilt and the shame - you waste energy on these negative emotions when you could channel the energy into making your daughter feel loved. If you TRULY feel nothing for your husband, this part will be easy.
Next, pack some things as if you and your daughter will be going on a short vacation. Then take your daughter and leave. This part will be much harder, given the weakness of your convictions. You need to take a mental break in a place that contains no reminders of your current situation. But based on what I've read so far you will make excuses to avoid leaving.
My original assessment was correct - you are stuck in a way of thinking that does not allow you to see other perspectives. Your responses have further validated my assessment.
I am Catholic and a firm believer in a higher power. You have made references to God throughout this thread, but you take Him for granted. You are expecting God to bail you out of this situation, a situation I must point out is the product of your choices. He gave us free will, and you have exercised free will throughout.
I too exercise my free will but unlike you I take responsibility for my choices. For instance, I have been previously tempted to let feelings for another woman consume me, but I constantly reminded myself about the consequences of letting this happen. So I chose to seek advice in this forum to get myself out of the feedback loop. And with the help of many caring people here, I got out of it before I did something to cause damage to all the people I love.
In your case, the damage started occurring even before you met this old flame again, and your little girl sensed the damage when she drew that picture of you.
God can't help those who choose not to help themselves. I don't know if that statement makes sense to you. What I do know is that you are not helping yourself right now. And for that I feel sadness, especially for your daughter.
Stop making excuses, start acting on your convictions, and prove to your daughter that you know how to accept the consequences of your actions.
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reader, ariel + ♥, writes (24 July 2006):
What will taking a bunch of pills help,there will just be more unanswered questions.You need to be honest with your husband ,tell him its his his friend before his friend tells him ,he will be more than upset ,he will be broken if it does not come from you.
Divorce is the best option for you and communication will help it be a smooth transition for your family.Take carexxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRJGIRL- his friend told me he feels it's important for him not to keep any secrets from my husband. I sent him 4 e-mails begging him not to tell my husband, he saidhe will call my husband Tuesday night, I'm so hurt. I don't feel my husband needs to know it's him. I think that he doesn't really care about how worst this will make my husband feel, what do u think? I'm desperate, I feel like dying...I never imagined he'd want my husband to know about this, my mistake...I just wanted to be sure how he feels for me and now I know, he doesn't need to punish me...I'm too hurt...
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reader, Wild Thaing + ♥, writes (24 July 2006):
I think you've gone as far as you can with this forum.
Now, what remains for you is to see if your actions can match your convictions. I sound like a broken record, but if you listen to your instinct while you make choices in the days to come, you will not go wrong.
Good luck and take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just heard from him and he told me he loves his wifenad he told me he will tell my husband about it. He told me for me to tell my husband and he will call my husband tuesday night. I just told my husband I have feelings for someone else but I have no courage to say it's his friend. I'm beyond miserable, I must be a big joke for him, he must have told to all his friends, he doesn't care about how I feel. If my husband doesn't hate he wull hate now. Pray for me...
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI love my daughter to death, she is the most important thing in my life, there's nothing I wouldn't do for her but I can't sacrifice being in a marriage where I absolutely don't love my husband just because of her. Many times I told myself that I was gonna stay in this marriage for her, but I can't do this any longer and be ok. My daughter just sees me cry and cry and cry. Recently my daughter made her first drawn of her mommy and guess what she did? She made a drawn of me with a sad face and tears, can u imagine how that made feel? If I continue in this marriage for her she will grow up watching me being sad, crying, being mean and cold with her daddy sometimes and when she is old enough to undertand and start asking me things like" Mom, why are you so sad? Why do u cry so much? Dad is so good for you, why are you and mean wih him sometimes?" Then what I was gonna tell her?" Some day soon my daughter will be 18 and she is gonna go on with her life and how about me? No, I don't think any couple should stay together because of their children, love should be what makes a couple stay together. Couples that stay together just because of their children sooner or later they will get divorced, I've know people that got divorced after 20, 27 years of marriage. As long as the couple remain friends the child will be perfectly fine. And my husband and I will always be friends. She's a lucky girl because I'm a great mother and her father is a great dad, I could not have chose a better man to be the father of my daughter, she will always thank me for giving her an awsome dad. God is my witness, if I was able to remain in this marrige and be ok, I'd do that, because since I love someone that I will never have so is very possible I'll never marry again, but no, I can't do that. I can't continue sharing my life with somebody I don't love...I never wanted this to my family, when I married my husband I came into this the the best of the intention, I was sure I'd fall in love with him...but I didn't...and I hate that but if it was up to me I'd love my husband but I can't tell my heart who to love...
So here are my choices,or I feel the worst of the creatures for putting my husband through this, I feel like I falied my daughter, I failed my husband and I faliled myself and put myseld down and get depressed to a pont where I may end up doind something crazy to end the depression like taking a bunch of pills and die or I admmited it was a terrible mistake to marry my husband without loving him but I had to try and it didn't work but now I have to move on, go through the consequences whole because now I have a daughter.
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reader, Wild Thaing + ♥, writes (23 July 2006):
Anon, you are entitled to accept or reject my advice (God bless free speech), but your response was a lengthy diatribe that only further defends your arguments - with one major exception:
You seem convinced that you need to get out of your marriage. Normally I would provide arguments to the contrary, especially since an innocent child is involved. But in this case you seem to have persuaded yourself that leaving is the best thing for your sanity. If your mind is truly made up, then leave your family quickly to minimize the damage to them.
You say your fear of going it alone keeps you from leaving. You should actually be more afraid of the regret that comes with not leaving.
I don't hesitate when it comes to huge life decisions. I may spend a good deal of time deliberating over situations and options, but when the decision becomes clear, I run with it. If I have truly followed my instinct, the decisions are always right for me.
If you are listening to your instinct and it tells you that divorce is the decision, then go with it. Good luck and take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWild Thaing - sorry but I don't see any sense in what you said. And no, I'm not obessed with his friend, what I feel for him is love and you don't need to believe it. I'm very aware of our diferences, I don't fancy he would be my perfect partner. I know it doesn't exist a perfect marriage, but what is a perfect marriage? What makes a marriage perfect? What makes a marriage perfect it's when a couple truly love each other, if they had that, they will work out everything together. If I loved my husband I'd have a perfect marriage. My husband is a great guy, has a great character but I just don't love him and I can't tell you why...in the same way, I can't tell you why I love his friend, I may say it's because this and that but when I put my eyes on him for the second time, right there this feeling began and back then I didn't know nothing about him. If it was just a physical attraction it would have died a long time ago, just attraction would not have survide through everything. 5 years later that feeling is more alive and strong than ever and if you want to call this an obesseion , fine...as long as I know it's not that is what matters. I never planned to tell him, it just got to a point where it was unbearable to keep that feeling, something inside me screamed to tell him and I did and i have no regrets and I will never have. Imagine I can die in peace knowing that I let my only love knows that I love him and we just didn't end together because he didn't feel the same for me. Imagine me dying wondering what if i had told him, what if he felt the same for me, what if we could be together, that would be awfulI just had courage to tell him because my feelins for him gave me such courage...I prefer living knowing that he doesn;t love me than living wondering what if he does...RJGIRL was totally right when she said that would be the greatest favor I could do for myself. If he loves his wife, I wish them happiness. I know I took a great risk telling him but I did what I had to to do. I just did what I did because I feel he may like me too, if I didn't sense that at all I'd never tell him. I want him to be happy. Wether what made me think that he likes me was just his way of being, it was just a misunderstood but I had reasons to think that. I'm sure he senses I like him too. I'm pretty sure he may think I'm attractive but I know he doesn't like me enough to face everybody to be with me. Now I know that this feeling is in its way of dying because I have no more doubts wether he likes me or not, I know for sure he doesn't. As for my husband, someday he will thank me for divorcing, he doesn't know what it feels to love and being loved back, I'm a terrible liar, I've always hated lies, even lieing to my husband during all theses years but many and many and many times I let showed that I didn't love him , he just chose not to see, now I'm peace with myself. When this is all over and my husband will fall in love again and the girl will love him back he will know how wonderful that feeling is. My husbabd is the best person I ever known, if there's somebody that deseves to be truly happys it's him, nad i know I can't make him happy, I'm sure God will bless him with a wonderful woman some day, it's not fair he went through all this, I'm beyond sorry for hurting him so much. The more I think about it I don't need to worry about his friend telling his wife or my husband, he knows he has looked at me, he knows he hugged like that, he could sense there was something there, he just didn't know for sure what it was and now he knows. I told him I love him, I told him I never loved my husband, I told him |
