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I've always felt like my B/f fancied me but now I feel from his choice in porn that he fancied his ex more!

Tagged as: Dating, Pornography, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 October 2016) 7 Answers - (Newest, 26 November 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend has unknowingly dented my self esteem recently, although he's hurt my feelings he hasn't done it on purpose. I'm not sure telling him would be a good idea. I can't stand arguing!

I've started watching porn with him, I've never had an issue with a boyfriend watching porn but never actually watched it with him until now.

I've noticed that he picks blonde women who are a bit chubby, I'm not like that and since we've been together he's pretty much made it clear that I was his type. Obviously I'm not from what he likes to watch.

Another thing is his ex girlfriend is big and blonde so it's upsetting me more that he thinks she is more attractive than I am.

If I brought this up it wouldn't change what he prefers, it wouldn't make him think brunettes are better and it wouldn't stop him watching all these blonde porn stars. So how do I stop feeling rubbish about myself?

He's a good boyfriend and I'm not splitting up with him over this. I think he can tell I'm down in the dumps but I don't think bringing it up is going to help.

I don't have a type, when I watch porn I watch lesbian stuff but I dont want to be a lesbian, it's not something I've experienced. Isn't porn supposed to be a fantasy? But he is picking stuff that makes me think he is reminiscing....not viewing some fantasy. The women he seems to like look pretty normal.

How can I stop letting this eat me up inside. It's not like he's saying horrible things about my appearance. He calls my beautiful, I've always felt like he fancied me but now I know he fancied his ex more! I know it's trivial but that's why I need some advice about how to let it go.

View related questions: ex girlfriend, his ex, lesbian, porn, self esteem

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A female reader, Dustmop Australia +, writes (26 November 2016):

I think you're very much so over thinking this! And maybe a little over obsessing about his ex. Don't let this come between you two and it will if you let it take hold of you the bitterness the resentfulness of your own thoughts.

He's with you not his ex and that's all that matters right? He more than likely still gets erected over you and he would not at all if he did not find you attractive.

I know it's probably hard for you but the best thing you could do is just stop thinking about it.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (3 November 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntYes I think this is more to do with your confidence in regards to his ex. He is not with her anymore he is with you, you need to accept that is obviously what he wants. He may like this porn star and has just formed a habit. You are probably picking out things to compare her to his ex, when it is possible he does not see it. You are the one building this up in your head. You need to get over these issues.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2016):

Thanks for the responses I realise today I'm making a fuss out of nothing :) I watch porn myself sometimes and obviously the people in it don't look like my boyfriend but I really fancy him! I sometimes get a touch of the green eyed monster about his ex, I need to work on that.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2016):

His choice of porn does NOT in any way indicate his real life preferences. I watch all kinds of stuff. None of it means that's what I want my ideal partner to look like. It's just something to look at to get off. You're correlating apples to oranges. Don't be so hard on yourself. Clearly he is attracted to you and this shouldn't make you second guess that at all.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2016):

I think I should have kept the question more brief. I wouldn't have much of an issue with him having a thing for blondes, porn and blondes go hand in hand really, but this actress he likes looks so much like his ex. They have such similar faces and even have blonde bobbed hair. I felt so uncomfortable about it.

I suppose I like lesbian porn because it's a fantasy a lot of women have but would never actually do. I think lots of women get upset about their boyfriend watching women that are extremely beautiful with figures that are kind of unattainable to most, but I would prefer that! It's not like you see women like that every day, I highly doubt that they would go off with the average looking guy. But he likes this actress who is pretty normal looking, a bit out of shape, and looks just like somebody he has already sept with.

I'm probably reading too much in to this but if I saw a guy like my ex on a porn film I'd be put off sex for the rest of the week lol!

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (31 October 2016):

N91 agony auntI don't necessarily think porn is always classed as a fantasy. Literally something to watch to speed up the process of getting off. You said yourself you watch lesbian porn but don't want to be a lesbian, so why don't you answer to us why you watch that kind?

I think it would be very surprising for the kind of porn he watches to be linked to his ex to the extent where I think it sounds a bit crazy. Just think, if your boyfriend didn't want to be with you and preferred other women then do you not think he would of ended things?

Just try to relax, you're over thinking things and making yourself feel a lot worse over something that I really don't believe is true.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (31 October 2016):

Honeypie agony auntHmmm, the age old "sexual" preference thing.

I find TALL, well build BLOND men hugely sexy. Think Alexander Skarsgaard. BUT, for me, looks aren't the be all and end all of a sexual or personal attraction. I want more than JUST the look. While I WILL notice a tall good looking guy I want the WHOLE package, and would RATHER have a smart, funny, emphatic, sexy, equal partner, etc. than JUST someone who is tall and blond.

WHAT people like in PORN doesn't mean it's what they LIKE or WANTS in life (as a partner) Think about it. Blond with a little chub in porn is BY FAR the "average" the vanilla - the VERSION of porn stars that TEENS are introduced to. It's a stereotype.

When he met you and fell for you - he didn't see you as a "porn star" lookalike, but as a woman who he could see himself with long term.

Some people like porn with transexuals, but they wouldn't WANT to be with one in a relationship. Watching them is fascinating, taboo, different and maybe a big turn on... See the difference there? Same with blond versus brunette.

He doesn't "fancy" her more than you. AT all. If he did... why is he with you, not her? Think about it.

He doesn't call you beautiful to appease you, but because he FINDS you beautiful. Doesn't mean he didn't find the ex-gf beautiful too. But he isn't comparing apples (her) to oranges (you). YOU ARE. And that is where you are HURTING yourself and making drama out of actually NOTHING.

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