A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So my sister and I have never got on, even when we were kids. Now days we have little to do with one another, we have to get together occasionally because, you know, family, but we never talk, or have a conversation unless i'm being made fun of (I'm usually the butt of stupid jokes, which would be fine, I can take a joke, but when it's the only time i'm acknowledged and there is a lot of them it gets a bit much).And every time I do interact with her we end up playing little games which are totally unnecessary. Last year she organised our mum's Christmas present, and she would only text my brother about it, she refused to text me. In the end I was rather short with her and I got a defensive response to which I replied, I just want you're details so I can pay my share, but she refused to give me them.Now, I don't really care about any of this. Playing little games makes her feel important and in control, calling me stupid makes her feel clever, I get how this works. I get offended and upset, I shake it off and then get on with my life. But this situation is now effecting my husband.This year, my brother organised a Christmas present for our mum which we all chipping in on, but on top of that my sister has brought us all tickets as a present for our mum without saying anything (tickets for my mum, my brother, her and me,) but not my husband (not that I expect her to, I didn't expect her to buy a ticket for me). She has done this sort of thing before, she arranged my mum's 60th, she invited my mum and my brother and not my husband or me. I got upset when mum told me she was doing something with my sister and my brother and we would do something separate, so I ended up getting invited but my husband wasn't. So it's not a generous thing, it's a control thing. If this was a generous thing, she say something to me about the tickets.So my husband is upset he is being treated like this, and he's upset that he can't say anything. This he has gotten from me. I know from experience that voicing I'm upset about something just makes it happen more. My sister is getting an emotional pay-off with this so saying I'm upset just tells her she's winning. And when I speak to my mum about this she defends my sister, nothing is meant by it, she talks that way to her friends, they all make fun of each other, and I get that, she isn't going to think badly of her daughter (which means if my husband says anything he's just being insulting). But it's getting to the stage when anything to do with my family causes an argument between me and my husband.I don't want to defend my sister's behavior. I want a relationship with my family without it being an issue. But I understand exactly where he's coming from. Being with me comes with being bullied by my family. Enjoy!I don't know what kind of response I expect. My brain is a bucket of ants over this. Do I stand up for my husband because he is upset and can't or does this nonsense happen with all families and we should just take things as they come? So I'm thinking some outsider, impartial input might help. Thank you all in advance.
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male
reader, HaniP  +, writes (26 January 2018):
All I can tell you is you wont have a husband for very much longer but that's not a bad thing. At least he wont be in the middle, side, back or where ever else or your endless sibling squabbles. You'll be back to doing that on your own again.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (25 January 2018):
 If I had to take a guess I would imagine that your sister is very insecure with herself and that is why she feels the need to put others down. I actually feel sorry for her. It seems you are confident and happy and I hope that you don't allow her to bring you down. It is best just to be civil to her as she is still your sister, just unfortunately she is probably never going to change.
It sounds like she is still quite immature and I honestly think the best thing for you to do is not take her on when she is playing games. If she is buying a joint present and being difficult just buy your own present. Try and avoid this childish behavior.
It does sound like she likes to be in control. Off course it is not nice for your husband to be excluded, did she give a reason why? I would imagine your mother probably thought it was a nice idea doing something with just her three children and she probably doesn't see anything wrong with that. It is sad that your mother cannot see how being left out off her 60th would make you feel. Honestly going forward I think you and your husband should by a gift just from use, take your mum out for dinner just the both off you. Remember it doesn't need to be special occasions where you can treat her well.
Don't allow this to effect your marriage. It is difficult when it is your family. But stand by your husband and tell him he is number one and stand his ground with him.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (24 January 2018):
I have to assume you and your husband have children. I can’t imagine why he would still be in this affenzirkus otherwise. When you married your husband you promised to love and honor him. Clearly you aren’t. Your relationship with your “family” people who by the way treat you like crap is more important to you than your marriage. When you went to your mother’s birthday dinner without him you showed him that. You have a choice to make your husband or a group of people who take delight in treating you like a punching bag.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (22 January 2018):
I'm pretty sure you know the answer to this. You are playing your sisters game and losing,and at the same time pushing your husband into the line of fire. You are entitled to sacrifice yourself but not your husband.You could change the narrative by enforcing a few boundaries but you have to make sacrifices. You will ruffle feathers and there will be scenes and push backs but eventually there will be fewe disrespectful events. Before Christmas you can anticipate present power struggles by stating to everyone that your budget doesn't allow any more presents so if any more are purchased without checking in with you, you can't reimburse anyone.You can tell your sister preferably in front of your mum that you'd love to spend time with them but if you are invited to family events without your husband you won't be attending. You tell them in advance that that sort of power play will mean you see less of them. No exceptions. If it emerges this does happen you can push back not with anger but invite everyone to a regular meet up that you and your husband organise,somewhere neutral local pub,bowling etc. Make it really good, so if your sister chooses not to come, shes the one missing out.Have some scripts ready to explain why you've made these decisions and every time someone complains about these new boundaries- have them to say, repeatedly and repetitivelyrics until the message is received.eg: oh those presents were just a bit extra, why won't you contribute? - Sorry not in my budget- I did say (change subject)-so you won't make it to your brothers birthday then? All the family will be there!Ans- My husband is my family so no my family won't be there, and because of my sisters decision not to invite him, neither will I. Will you be bowling with us next week?And so on ad nauseam.Unless your family don't like your husband because he treats you badly and not just because he won't accept their bullshit you need to do the right thing by him. It's a tough thing to do. A councilor may help you to relate to you family better. The best of luck
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 January 2018):
 I would stand up for my husband in this case.
Like with the tickets, unless YOU and your husband could buy an extra ticket so HE could come too, I would decline going. And I know that isn't fair on your mom, but I would do something ELSE with mom another day. You can't tell me your mom isn't aware of this ongoing drama...
When it comes to Christmas present for your mom, JUST do one from YOU and your husband - problem FIXED. Spend time with your husband and brother and his family WITHOUT your sister.
Arrange to go spend time with your mom WITHOUT your sister, just you and your husband. BASICALLY stop playing her games.
Simply? I would start to exclude HER.
You can't change your sister. This is who she is, this what what she ENJOYS doing to you and the family. So I'd basically STOP playing nice with her and just exclude her. I CERTAINLY wouldn't let HER cause ripples in MY marriage because she is a petty cow.
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