A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:ok, i've been getting a lot of good responses lately, so hopefully we can keep em going!ok, so my current problem is that my girlfriend, who we just started going out.one of the first things i asl her, is if she smokes, she told me no.now i dont have a problem if she did, i just wanted to know. but then a friend of mine told me she does, and im hearing it from everybody now that she does.so i don't know who to trust, and it kind of hurts me that she wouldnt tell me that. so shoul i feel bad that she hasnt told me, even when i've given her multiple chances too? and would.it be bad if we broke uo over this?
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female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (15 November 2013):
 Life is hard enough without creating things to be hurt or upset about. And if this is the biggest worry on your plate, then life has been pretty good to you.
If you two have just recently started dating then she really doesn't know how far she can trust you. You can show her by not asking any more questions or making any more comments about the smoking. If it really is no big deal to you whether she does or doesn't then I don't see the point in wasting time and energy with all the questions and discussions about it.
Like you, she's young and dating is fairly new for her, and being a girl she has been socialized to believe she must never displease others. As she grows up and gains experience and confidence she'll be more up front about things like this.
Small potatoes. Don't take it personally. If you really don't care about the smoking, then just drop it entirely.
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (15 November 2013):
EVERYONE LIES.
So, if it's truly a matter of "its not what she lied about, it's that she lied", then you need to remember that fact.
Besides she lied about it, probably because she likes you.
You and I are different here, however, because for me, smoking is a deal breaker. I'll never date a smoker. But if you're not smelling it on her then that's a pretty good sign that she's not really a smoker per se, but rather a person who occasionally has a cigarette.
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A
male
reader, 11muds11 +, writes (15 November 2013):
I remember going out with a great girl who lied about her age. I mean really lied, about 5 years..... she was 26 and told me she was 21. I was 22 at the time. When she told me, she said "If you want to break up with me now I understand. But I felt if you knew I was 26, you wouldn't have gone out with me." The truth is, considering how immature I was with relationships at that time, she was right. (It was a great relationship and we're still very good friends today. I'm glad she's in my life)The strange thing is, any person I've ever gone out with who smokes, you could smell it on them really easily. The fact that you haven't mentioned that is quite telling.Have you ever thought that maybe she's trying to quit because she really likes you? If you can't smell it on her, unless you have some problems with smell, means she not smoking that much.And the fact that you asked her if she smoked told her that you might not like a girl who smokes. So she lied because she really wanted to go out with you. I think this actually could be OK.I remember when my ex told how old she was. It was really cute and brought us together.I think you should make a positive out of this situation instead of a negative. Ask her if she told you that she didn't smoke because she liked you or any other way you can tell her you know, nicely, and make it positive. Watch her then come out smiling, tell you the whole truth, feel much better because she got it off her shoulders, and think your a hero because you turned a negative into a positive and "really understand her". Don't accuse her of smoking, tell her you know and that it's OK with because you really like her you but ask why.Mate, girls lie sometimes for the right reasons. When you get married one day, you'll understand that. Will you answer "Yes" if she asks you if she looks fat in those jeans? LOL. I think this is a good opportunity. If worse comes to worst, you'll look great to all the other girls around that you tried to do this. LOL. Hope this helps. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2013): Not that it makes it alright to lie, and I'm not trying to excuse or justify why, but something tells me, she doesn't want you to think less of her because she does, so she probably lied about it. It's hard for some people to be completely themselves so they hold things back until they feel things are more solid. Instead of blowing up about it or breaking up over it, you have a good opportunity to have a conversation about it. Instead of coming at her accusing, you can talk to her about what you heard and give her a chance to own it. But She also needs to know that you really are okay with her smoking and you better mean it. If it really does bother you, then you are being just as dishonest about the whole thing. And you can both decide at that time that its important to be honest with each other and that you like each other for who they are, not what you want them to be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2013): You're going based on what EVERYBODY else is saying - without any reason to doubt your girlfriend.
Until you smell it on her, or see it, then trust her.
Stop talking behind her back, keep the relationship between the two of you, and in time when she feels comfortable, you will get to know all about her, including any secrets she might be keeping, for her own protection or reasons.
Give her the benefit of the doubt... time will tell, then you can make up your mind to stay with someone who tells a white lie to perhaps not lose an opportunity with someone? It's not a biggie in my opinion.
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