A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Started living with my boyfriend and he expresses his negative opinion about my housekeeping methods. Basically I really can make myself do all the housework and i don't want him to do it also. He grew up in a household where his mother stayed home and raised kids, cooking, cleaning, washing all by herself. He said he of course doesn't expect me to do it all, but at least some cooking or cleaning, and he will do his part. I tell him, that I work full time, and at times even more. It's not that I don't have time to do house Work, but I need rest, and I don't want to spend my weekend cleaning, grossery shopping and cooking. When I lived with my roomate we had a housekeeper who came every 2 weeks and cleaned our appartment. Now when I moved in with my boyfriend I asked her to clean his appartment. He has a big place that he owns, I pay for her, it's only 80$ every couple weeks, and she also changing bed sheets and washes everything, folds, and puts back into closet. In my eyes it's worth it. He thinks it's a waste of money. He says, it's so easy, he did it by himself for years. Also with cooking. I am vegeterian, he is not. I don't even know how to shop for meat. He does it himself, and ussualy prepares steak almost every night. I eat at work lunch, and at night it's something very light, and ussualy either I take out, or it's leftovers from big lunch, or we meet for happy hour somewhere. I also buy fruits, veggies, eggs and all kinds of spreads for snacking. We don't really count who buys what, and so far it worked fine. But he keeps telling me that I spend way too much on food, and I could save so much, if we cooked at home. I explained to him over and over again, that I budget my money, and we have separate accounts, I don't really understand why he is getting all worked up about my money. I have good salary, I also save and I am sure I can manage my money very well. He also has a very good job, and it's not that heis cheap, not at all. It's just his requests for me to do housekeeping makes me wonder...Any thoughts on why he does it, and what can I do to convince him that it's ok to have help around a house.
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (22 July 2014):
 After further clarification; I comprehend the dynamics of your relationship better; now that you’ve amplified; you “can not” make yourself do housework. I understand tiredness and hiring help etc.
From the start of this question; “he said he of course doesn't expect you to do it all, but at least some cooking OR cleaning, and HE WILL DO his part.”
“…at least SOME cooking OR cleaning” – that’s not making you do extra work! Yet you are unwilling to do SOME and OR… and sadly say “that cooking involves first shopping, then cooking, then cleaning the whole kitchen after it.” Interesting!?
The thought that you have of him knowing you before you started living together is naïve… as there’s a saying that goes; “A person’s character is but half formed until after wedlock.”
Here you’ve moved into a rent free establishment, “he said you don't need to pay him anything at all”; decided you cannot make yourself do housework even if it’s at least SOME cooking OR cleaning... and continue to live the occasional social happy hour as before etc. Are you able to see how that appears to others; and if not at least to how your boyfriend would perceive this?
He may well be generous with giving and sharing with you (visa-versa), yet the point is circumstances and the dynamics have changed by living together and on anyone’s observation; your contribution is to merely reciprocate with paying for a housekeeper and relax in free abode.
As I see it, he’s never asked you to scrub floors, chop firewood, polish the silver, eat meat, nor do ALL the cooking cleaning laundry etc… But if that were the case I’d certainly employ a housekeeper and tell him to be quiet! :)
As suggested, you both need to set a time to discuss these conflicting values, but not only about money and future goals, but your personal expectations of one another. He doesn’t sound like an unreasonable person. I understand what he’s asking and saying and I see that you do also. In lieu of rent would you please fairly consider doing something? Are you a couple or acting more like roommates?
I’m in similar circumstances to your boyfriend, as I provide a mortgage free lifestyle. However I do ask for a contribution other than food and bills in that my man reciprocates with SOME BASIC chores and repairs. This allows him to have his input validated, appreciated and respected.
Yet if my man was totally exhausted from work, and paid for an e.g. gardener or handyman… I’d think he’s copping out of his ‘meagre’ responsibilities to sit and relax all day… taking this lifestyle for granted. Personally it wouldn’t generate respect, harmony or promote longevity.
CAA
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 July 2014):
 That makes a tiny bit more sense then. He *says* he's not making you pay rent, but there's that unspoken thing that says he wants you to pay rent anyways...by contributing to the housework and stuff. That's why he's wanting you to cook, clean, laundry, all of that. You're there rent free. That's what is creating some of these issues. He may resent you hiring a housekeeper because he believes that if you were paying rent, you'd have to put in some of the work because you couldn't afford it.
Also, when it comes to married couples, oftentimes a stay-at-home wife/mom contributes to the household by its upkeep and management like his mom did. She stayed at home, and while his dad brought home the money, his mom who didn't bring home the money contributed by taking care of the kids, cooking, cleaning, doctor appointments, basically complete home management.
He may consider what you contribute to be a deficit of what he believes he contributes or what he thinks you should contribute because he has his mom as an example. He may feel like you are passing off the cleaning by hiring out, and passing off the cooking by only taking care of what you eat personally.
You don't pay utilities either? What does your money contribute in this relationship? You're there rent-free because he owns it. You are taking care of housecleaning by hiring for it. I see an issue that could bring up resentment in him, because if you were living alone or as roommates, you'd be splitting rent, utilities, food, car payments (you'd have your own car unless you lived where public transportation meets all needs, and then you'd be paying for public transportation), everything.
I'd delve into his reasons for wanting you to live with him, because to many people, money is a power balance, and he's looking at it as if you are his future wife, and then what would he expect from you? Does he expect you to quit working when he married you and become full homemaker? Does he expect that if you get pregnant, that you'll stay home to watch the kids and do all of the domestic things?
I don't know how I'd feel about this. You say that he knew how you were before you started living together. That's actually not true. NOBODY knows how the other person is to live together with before they started living together. Everything changes, including expectations. He may have found that offering to have you move in rent free feels different to him than you actually living there rent free. Traits you think you can live with feel different than traits you actually live with.
I personally wouldn't feel right living with a guy rent-free, even if he did have the means to have me live there. Of course, I'm also the one who paid rent to my own parents in order to have my curfew eliminated and to assert my independence, albeit in a respectful way. I would negotiate a percentage with my boyfriend for a portion of the rent plus utilities as my contribution if you're not the sort of person who like to clean, laundry, or cook.
Trust me, it's OKAY not to want to be Susie Homemaker, and it's perfectly fine to pay for housecleaning! He's got 6 figures, he could do it. In fact, to be really honest, his expecting you to do some cooking and cleaning in exchange for living there is nothing short of him wanting to do the EXACT SAME THING with you...and that is to financially support you for services you render. What makes him different than you if he resents that you hire out housecleaning? And he'd be looking for a 3-inch heel in the left eye if he so much as dared say that the service he wants you to live with him for is easy access to sex, so we won't even go there! I don't want you to eviscerate me either! heh
Guys with money and SAHW/M's are in effect, paying to support their wives who do tasks they'd have to pay through the nose to get help doing, like day care, cleaning, cooking, secretary/admin assistant, wet nurse, bookkeeper, personal shopping assistant, and whatever hat the wife has to wear, and they are several and taken way too much for granted.
This is going to take some very long and heartfelt deep conversations between you two to talk out these values and expectations. I could never not support myself financially because I fiercely and deeply love independence and I'm addicted to knowing that the sweat of my brow, or my brain or the time I took working helped to put a roof over my head and food on the table. You are a full time worker, and yes, he's right that you could save a ton of money by not paying rent, but do you want him feeling like since he's the reason you save so much, that he has a say on how you handle your own money?? I wouldn't.
Concentrate on your career. Keep using protection. Speak the unspeakable with him. Get some books on values in partnerships. Above all, you may need to have THE conversation on where both of you see your relationship heading. You left out how long you both have been together. So, how long have you been together before you moved in with him?? There seems to be a lot about him you didn't know.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2014): Youwish, he owns the appartment. It came from a great aunt, so he doesn't need to pay any mortgage, just maintenance and tax, which comes to a few hundreds a month, much less than regular rent. When he offered me to move in, he said I don't need to pay him anything at all. He lived there 6 years by himself and paid everything himself anyway. He makes low 6 figures a year, so he doesn't really count every penny. He is sensible when it comes to spendings, budgets everything and saves, but he is far from being cheap. I am making much less money than him, but still its a good paying job. With me paying zero rent now, i can put quite a bit for a rainy day. I think it's more that bothers him is my lifestyle. Happy hours of course include a drink or 2 but still it's all half price, and it's no more than 20-25$ per person, and we don't do it every day.I never knew it would be an issue with him , he knew this is how I am before we started living together.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (21 July 2014):
My mom was very big on the worth of a woman in housework. She was a clean freak who I'm not kidding...WHITE GLOVE inspected our work after we cleaned our part. It took most of our Saturday to clean the house and all of the animals my mom loved collecting and the garden my mom wanted. Add that to going to church for Sunday morning and evening for a total of 7 hours, and I had little free time. Time is something too many people take for granted these days, but unlike money, we can't bank it, or invest it to get back more time, and unlike money where some of us were born into better privilege than others, all of us are equal when it comes to time.
When the vacuum cleaner was invented, many women got on soapboxes about a woman's duty in taking shortcuts in the housecleaning. When the microwave was invented, many more were talking about how quick and easy cooking shortchanged our husbands and families(my mother was included in that soapbox). When disposable diapers were invented, many more shouted about how saving time and not washing diapers was being a bad mom.
Time is just as important to a woman as it is to a man in this day and age of dual income life. There are people who are judgmental about people who use air conditioning in a car and "waste money and gas", but in the end, some of us choose to have our commutes not be sweat-filled loyalty tests.
You work full time. You're not Susie Homemaker. Your time is valuable. You don't *need* to do the menial things yourself if you can afford to hire someone to reasonably do it themselves. That cost of $80 for cleaning and laundry is a very good price. As for eating together, sure it's good to eat together, and the both of you can cook in tandem and take care of cleaning the kitchen together. That's all of 15 minutes or less to clean up a good dinner. Doing lots of takeout is really expensive, and the kitchen cleaning still has to be done. You can go to places like Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, or Atkins to get pre-prepared vegetarian dinners that actually take delicious, follow the instructions (usually takes all of putting it in the oven or microwave for several minutes), and then waiting for him to cook his steak (BTW, steak?! That's REALLY expensive if he's eating it every night! A less expensive meat is chicken, pork, turkey breast, or some seafood), make yourself a baked potato, load it with stuff, and you both are set to eat together. Just clean up together, and you're done in 10 minutes with you both wrapping up. And you save lots of money. Happy hours are very expensive, especially if you're putting the Happy in Happy hour by drinking alcohol.
There's something else that I haven't overlooked. You say that you live with him in a big apartment that HE owns?? Do you pay rent to him or utilities?? Or are you on a lease, or does he own the apartment as his property??
He mentioned that he "did everything on his own", right? Life is different than when people live by themselves. It's a lot less effort because one person doesn't make as many messes as two. Is he asking YOU to cook and clean because you're not paying rent, or is he just assuming that since you're there, he can assign all the work to you, and since he has to cook for himself, he wants you to clean??
Bottom line is, unless you're married, roommates is EXACTLY what you are. Marriage is different, combining the finances into one legal entity, co-owning household assets, major decisions affecting both of you, doing things as a team, the whole 9 yards. Living together isn't even close to being the same. It's tasting domesticity by sleeping in the same bed together. You can't make demands or impose the same expectations on a partner that you can when you're married to each other. The only way I can see him wanting you to step up and do all of the cleaning is if he is paying significantly more of the expenses like rent, utilities, groceries, and so on. If that is 50/50, then everything is 50/50. You don't need to cook for him, and vice versa. Whatever you mess up, you clean up. You do your own laundry, he does his. You both work, you keep your own finances, and you live in a way that is courteous to your roommate. The moment you start combining is the moment that one breakup can leave someone holding the bag. Joint credit cards, even joint purchases (example: "I put the new furniture on my card because we're partners" 4 months before you catch him cheating) can hamstring you beyond the end of the relationship, and the woman tends to get the short end of the stick.
I've never been a fan of living together prior to marriage, but since I know that many people will, there are many things you need to do to protect yourself. Allowing him to dictate your financial values before there's a ring on your finger would be a kiss of death.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 July 2014):
 My mom and dad both worked full time and had a cleaning lady once a week. My mom DID all the other cleaning, shop, washing, cooking. She just liked her house "just so" and thus has the extra help with the cleaning.
When I moved out by myself (was working 50-70 hour weeks) I had a cleaning lady as well. I still did the cooking, the shopping, the laundry and the daily pick up/clean ups. It was nice to come home to a clean house.
As for the shopping, well I have always prefered doing that myself. And for a while I would do a LOT of cooking on Sundays and freeze for the upcoming week, so all I had to do after work was zap it or warm it up. Even now, I make double batches and freeze half.
Cooking Vegetarian food doesn't HAVE to take a lot of time. Things like veggie stir fry doesn't take more than 20 minutes.
As for your BF having expectations of you doing the cooking and cleaning, I'd nip it in the bud right now. THIS is who you are. IF you can afford the cleaning lady then that is YOUR choice, you shouldn't HAVE to clean because HE wants you too.
As for the cooking, same as above. If you aren't familiar with cooking meat and THAT is what HE wants to eat, it's about time he learn some essential cooking skills. You two could COOK together.
I think, personally, if YOU can afford the housekeeper go for it. As long as you don't expect him to pay. Though I do find it a little "pampered princessy" not being willing to do what needs do with your own two hand. ( that goes for your BF as well) I would perhaps compromise and try and save money on take out but cooking, but HE would have to take part in the dinner making as you don't cook meat.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2014): Thank you all very much for your answers. Just to clarify, in a first paragraph I made a mistake , I wanted to say : I really CAN NOT make myself do house work. My boyfriend's parents are from Eastern Europe, but he was born in US. The things is that cooking involves first shopping, then cooking, then cleaning the whole kitchen after it. I understand the importance of sitting down to dinner together, but my job is very demanding, I get very tired, and all I want to do when I come home is rest. On days when I go to GYM , I don't get home until 7:30 p.m. And at 11 I need to be in bed. My cleaning lady spends 4-5 hours cleaning our place. It means that half of one of my weekend days i would need to spend cleaning, instead of relaxing and preparing for a busy week. It just doesn't make lots of sense especially ifi can easy afford her. Though I understand where he is coming from as far as money saving, it never hurts, but I still think he can't make me do this extra work that I am not willing to do. And actually yes, I don't wash my car myself. I pay 20$ once a month to a guy at the market on Sunday, and while I shop he does it for me:).
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (21 July 2014):
 Having someone who does your cleaning also means having someone who knows your private life.
It seems he thinks house chores are something people should do by themselves, and so he sees no reason why you should pay AND lose privacy.
He also sounds to me like he was a lot poorer than you were. You know, when the house has only one income, then pennies represent a lot more than money.
Is he Latino, by the way?
Having help around the house is OK, but I'm afraid he won't want to. That isn't part of life as he sees it.
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reader, Caring Aunty A +, writes (21 July 2014):
“I really can make myself do all the housework… I don't want him to do it”
“He of course doesn't expect me to do it all, but at least some cooking or cleaning”
“It's not that I don't have time to do house work… he will do his part.”
“I eat at work lunch, and at night it's something very light, and usually either I take out… or we meet for happy hour somewhere.”
So what this is saying is you have time, you’re able to do housework, but don’t or choose not to. He’s prepared to do his part yet you don’t want him to… Even though he’s the one who grew up with a stay at home Mother… (So he's not spoilt.)
He suggests saving money on things that could easily be done by both of you, e.g. by cooking at home, and that’s a something you don’t see as reasonable? Sitting down together for a home cooked meal (when you can) at the end of the day brings you two together as a couple, unlike roommates. Saving money is one thing, but you may as well be his roommate by all that usual eating out etc. Goodness knows what it does to your physical health… Yet it’s the health of the relationship that it affects?
He says it's so easy; he did it by himself for years. He can then continue this excellent habit and express his need for you as his partner to do your part; “…by at least cooking OR cleaning.” Sounds very fair to me!
If you both are not on the same page with equal respect to saving, and household chores I suggest both of you need to start sorting it out. Instead of happy hour, do grocery shopping; if he’s prepared to do his part and it’s easy as he says then take him up on the offer, do not send mixed signals (as above).
Plus you both may well have a good salary, jobs, are generous and he owns a big place, yet perhaps he aims to see the homemaker in you. Later will that mean hiring a Nanny as well as having a housekeeper? Today it’s a housekeeper tomorrow it could be a Nanny, then a Tutor, a car washer…
What has the modern woman really achieved or sarcome to? They can pay someone to do chores so basic even when they have a partner who’s prepared to do his part? If you’re doing 12 hour shifts per day and raising kids with an uncooperative partner, by all means it makes sense to get a housekeeper :)
Take Care - CAA
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 July 2014):
This sure does sound like a compatibility issue, both with his focus on traditional gender roles in a partnership, and with the vegetarianism.
First of, if you are living as roommates, he shouldn't have a thing to say about your finances, as long as you do your part with the rent and utilities. Other than that, he doesn't get a say, and his negative opinion over your spending habits shows a lack of compatibility over how you both view different things.
His mom stayed home as a homemaker, and he's transferring those expectations onto you, even though you're working full time. He's wanting you to cook and clean and be domestic like his mom is, and she may have derived and taught that a woman's worth is in those domestic gender tasks.
In your case, you view these things as a job that needs doing, and since you have the money, you hire someone to clean for you. Bravo to you, and I'm not being sarcastic! You view your time as being important, and it IS! You're ensuring that your part in the job is getting done, and your down time is worth the money you spend in hiring someone else to do it. Other people do it in getting takeout (saving on time in shopping and cooking), or getting a car wash vs spending a Saturday washing yourself.
Stand your ground on this one. Neither of you are married, and his comparing you to his mom is unfair and damaging to your relationship.
As for the vegetarianism, that also ties in here. He's wanting a cook or a housecleaner, and your choice to be a vegetarian means that you're not really comfortable with cooking or handling meat. He has to choose and you do too whether you both can live with that. Your differing views on dinner makes it tough for you to sit down together and eat at home.
These things don't go away, and these values and compatibility issues should be addressed at length by both of you to see if they are or aren't deal breakers. If you don't talk it out and the relationship progresses to marriage or a point where you combine money (my suggestion...do NOT combine unless you're married), his opinions will not go away to the point where your differing money priorities will generate much larger fights.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 July 2014):
 Does the housekeeper have your key or does she only clean when both of you are at home? It could be a privacy issue because when she comes he can't relax anymore. He can't be naked if he wants to be. He can't have sex when she is here. If that's the reason only have her come when both of you are working outside.
The second reason has to do with people status. You are hiring a maid and paying for a service. Maybe he sees this as you being the higher power and she is the subservient, almost like a slave. Some people have trouble dealing with people inequality. It makes them feel uncomfortable. Especially when his mother had been a traditional housewife it makes him feel guilty that when he lived there his mother was like a maid. He wants you to clean so that he doesn't have to deal with this unpleasant feeling.
You can tell him you are not his mother. You work. It is okay to let go of tradition and be flexible with changing times. He doesn't need a carbon copy of his mom as girlfriend, and it's not realistic to find that nowadays.
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