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It's 'her way or the highway'. She doesn't respond. Yet is quick to ask a favor if she needs help. Is this 'friendship' over?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Friends, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 May 2015) 4 Answers - (Newest, 11 May 2015)
A age 30-35, * writes:

I have a friend who I've known since HS. We met through another friend who neither of us keep in touch with much now.

One time I canceled plans with this friend because I had a second date with a guy. She got SO mad at me- even though our plans weren't set in stone or anything.

I did apologize because I felt bad and shouldn't have chosen a guy over a friend- but I was very interested in him. She called me a bad friend and the like.

This was months ago. We "made up" and I apologized a ton of times to try to make things better. However

every time I try to contact her, she never responds.

I can message her on Facebook because then she kind of has to respond, but doesn't to texts often.

But if SHE wants to make the plan or needs a ride, boy is she quick to initiate plans.

I'm kind of sick of her "my way or the highway" attitude.

I understand I messed up, but that was months ago and I apologized!

I wouldn't say that we are BFF or anything, but we did enjoy the times we've hung out, and it's just infuriating that she doesn't respond! I have said before for her to contact me since her work schedule is less predictable (because I can't seem to contact her!)

What should I do?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 May 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with the other two ladies. STOP making the effort a while.

And if she contacts you ONLY because SHE wants something from you, you can always tell her no, sorry I'm busy. If you have no other plans and want to go, then go.

I had a REALLY good friend (met in college) who about 3-4 years later stabbed me in the back, so I dumped her. Didn't even explain to her why (SHE knew). And guess what? After she heard that I baked a wedding cake for my BFF she contacts me out of the blue wanting me to do a cake for HER wedding too, so she can save money on the wedding............... Guess what I told her? No, I'm not interested. (btw I wasn't invited to the wedding BEFORE or AFTER she asked, so all she wanted was a "free" cake) A couple of out shared friends who still hung out with her, dumped her after that (not because I told them about but because SHE bitched about ME not wanting to bake her a cake).

Some people are friends for life, some are not.

Going out on a date with a guy over hanging out with a friend, I GET she got a little annoyed, BUT if you only did it once I think it's more HER being jealous then having hurt feelings. And girl,.... STOP apologizing.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (11 May 2015):

So_Very_Confused agony auntI agree with Chi girl.

Stop being the one initiating the activity.

If she contacts you and wants to do something that you want to do and you don't have plans... say yes... otherwise say "next time"

and stop asking her to do stuff...

see what happens.... we often outgrow friends from high school etc in our late 20s... I had one we were friends from 14-29 then we were not friends for 20 years... now we have dinner every few months...

people grow and change... so do our friends...

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (11 May 2015):

chigirl agony auntLet it go. If she wants to hang out and it's a suitable time for you, then do so. If not, don't. Don't bother too much with contacting her when she never responds. If she asks why, just tell her you didn't get a response so stopped contacting her.

I recently "broke up" with a friend for HS as well, known her for over a decade. But it was like with your friend, her way or the high way. I always did stuff for her, helped her out, did her favors, met with her at odd hours because that's what was most suitable for her, and never got anything in return from it. So I just stopped doing her favors, and I stopped agreeing to meet her at weird hours just because it suited her (like, in the middle of the day so I wouldn't get any work done, or have to travel to her office for lunch there, or always just visit her at her house even though she had a car and could drive to me, whereas I had to take the bus to hers...). I just stopped going out of my way for her, and guess what happened? We stopped talking.

I did talk to her on the phone one last time recently, hoping we could fix things, but she just said if I didn't like her the way she was then there was nothing to do about it. And she's right, if I don't like her then why bother trying to have this friendship? And truth is, I don't like her any longer, after feeling like she just took advantage and after having always been a good friend to her and having been blown off in return because I was just never important enough. It just felt like a one sided relationship, you know?

I think it's time you stop wasting your time on this girl, and start treating her with as little significance as she treats you. If you're okay with the friendship changing in that direction. As for me, I have enough "friends" who I just occasionally meet and who I don't matter to, and who don't matter to me. I don't need more of those.

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A male reader, Over 50 advice United States +, writes (11 May 2015):

Over 50 advice agony auntTime to move on, she is using her leverage from you standing her up like a weapon. She now feels entitled for you to do whatever because you offended her. Not really a friend.

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