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Its frustrating that my ex can't see his new girlfriend for what she is

Tagged as: The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 September 2015) 6 Answers - (Newest, 20 September 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

My ex blamed me for stirring up trouble and talking behind his back when his current girlfriend (who he chose over me) does just as much stirring and gossiping.

It really frustrates me how he blames me for everything and not her. She even divulged some private information about his family that he didn't want known - but he doesn't know she has said it.

I really feel like warning him about her - but he doesn't even speak to me now and it's so frustrating that he can't see her for what she is!

What should I do? I know it's none of my business as we are not together now - but I just feel I am still being wronged by him for something that she is continually doing herself!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2015):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hi guys.

Thanks for your answers!

Just for the record - I wasn't bad mouthing him at all! He just assumed I was because the new girl was stirring things up! That's why I say she is much worse than me! But as CindyCares rightly says people allow their loved ones to get away with a lot more when they are in love. Love is indeed blind. He just obviously want in love me!

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (20 September 2015):

CindyCares agony aunt It does not sound like such a brilliant move to me .

So, your ex can't stand you anymore because he thinks you stir up trouble and are a gossipmonger, and, to smooth things over and change his mind, what would you do : you stir up more trouble, and you spread more gossips !! Do you think that would specially endear you to him ?....

What do you hope to accomplish in exposing your rival as a diehard gossipmonger ? Your ex either ignores yet how she is, but he will have to see it with his own eyes and slam his face into it by himself. He won't believe what you say, because having already tarred you as a trouble stirrer ,he will think this is same old you stirring up some more trouble.

Or, probably, he knows or suspects that this new girl is a gossip girl,- but does not really care because he is in love and when you are in love you let people get away with a lot of stuff. Somehow their faults do not feel so terrible even if they are the same faults that we hate in other people whom we do not particularly care about. In short : he blamed you because you were on your way out anyway ( romanticaly speaking ), he does not blame her because when you are smitten you cut people a lot of slack.

You say yourself that he chose her OVER you. I don't think he just sat there thinking " My gf is a gossipmonger, so Ineed to go out and seek someone who's less of a big mouth than her ". I don't think that gossips was his only reason for ending the relationship, or gossipless his only criteria when looking for a new gf .

More probably, he already felt that your relationship was not making him happy, and that's way he got interested in another woman, PLUS, when you feel out he ALSO did not like you badmouthing him.

Anyway - he is your ex . You need to move on. Even if you had the moral right or obligation ( which you don't have ) to expose your rival , how that would help you in moving on ? . The more you stay away from this drama and the more you mind your own business, the better is for YOU.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (19 September 2015):

Honeypie agony auntYou are in your 40's... You should know better than to play these playground games.

1. a person can not TAKE a person from someone else. Your ex made the choice to be with her rather than be with you. Whether you like her, like what she does, says, etc is irrelevant where HE (the ex) is concerned.

2. you think your word and judgement of HER is more important that him figuring out for himself (that she is a dramaqueen too). Again, he chose to be with HER.

3. it IS none of your business anymore. HE is no longer with you or part of your life.

4. the longer you continue to try and "point out" her flaws, the more AMMO you give HER and HIM (because it will give him even more good reason as to why he dumped you). You are feeding the trolls, so to speak.

It's NEVER fun to be dumped. Certainly not over something trivial (at least you feel it is trivial) I think you are taking your upset over the relationship not working out on the wrong person. HER. She didn't mess up your relationship with him. YOU and HIM did that. He even had a spare (HER) to jump to once you and he were done.

LET it go. Let THEM wallow in their own mud-puddle of gossip and drama. Don't hump in there with them, it won't make you feel better, it won't change a thing.

He is with her now, because he chose to.

Being upset is natural, stirring up stuff... well, you know better. And it ONLY makes you look bad.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2015):

oh ,oh ,oh ...it mustve been a really salacious bit of gossip to have got you so hot under the collar!My mind boggles just to wonder what it was but then i have no interest in him or his family so it would be just an entertaining bit of gossip but for you it is a torturous bit of proof that she is indeed the inferior person and you must (maybe) warn him forthwith...but why would you even want to do that when he's your ex.It sounds interesting how he chose her over you..i guess it wasnt a case of two bodies lying side by side in a shop window and he pointed to her and said "i'll have that one" and they walked off into the sunset together or were you simultaneously dating the same guy or even more possible you may already have children with him before he met her.But whatever the case it certainly sounds as though its all in the past and as you have both moved on i wouldnt bother to contact him to let him know your opinion of her...because it is unimportant unless it is going to hit international news channels and adversly affect your life or that of your children, so perhaps it might be best just to ignore their dramas and put yourself in number one pole position in your own life.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2015):

You're right, it's none of your business. Your ego is bruised and you're scorned by his rejection. You don't really want him or care anymore. It's just adding insult to injury he went for the other woman. Scorn and resentment is what this is all about.

He may have chosen her over you for his own reasons. It's not really your concern to figure out why. It didn't work for you. Even if you share some of the same bad traits, and practice the same bad behavior; you are still two totally different people. Maybe she can compensate for all her faults and weaknesses in other ways.

It takes time to heal from a breakup, and part of it is getting past the resentment of rejection. Feeling the burn of him favoring someone over you. It's supposed to hurt. It's your brain trying to pull you away from him. It is hitting you left and right with all the reasons to let him go. If she is as terrible as you say, he doesn't need your warning. The truth will out itself. If he got rid of you for being a trouble-maker, it's only a matter of time before the same happens to her. Not because you feel he should; but because he made that decision on his own.

You're making yourself all the more miserable by staying in his business; as if you have no life of your own. Don't you have some living to do? Is he all that your life is about?

My dear, cut your losses and move on. Drop the bitterness and anger. Turn your back on the past and go forward. That part of your life is over and done with. Don't let people hold power and control over your feelings. They will use it to make you feel worse. Don't blame them if they do. It's you who insists on holding on to him, and being angry.

He's not the last guy on the planet. You want him more; because you feel she took him from you. He's just a tear drop in an ocean of men. You'll find someone better, if you improve yourself; or someone worse if you don't. It ended because of your differences that couldn't be fixed. Who he chooses after you're out of his life, is his business. Now go mind yours, and start enjoying life. It's too short to waste on bitterness and jealousy. It's miserable stewing in bitterness. You've got some self-improvement and repairs to make. You're wasting precious time.

Concentrate on your life, and leave theirs alone.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia +, writes (19 September 2015):

Aunty BimBim agony auntYou admit you stir and gossip, you want your ex boyfriend to agree that your stirring and gossiping is no worse than his current girlfriend's.

Stop the stirring and gossiping, its not healthy!

As for him blaming you for everything and not her, well, she is the current girlfriend, to acknowledge she is at fault and not you would not be conducive to his current relationship.

You ask what you should do, you should stop stirring and gossiping, this would include "warning him about her" which really is stirring and gossiping.

Accept the man seems attracted to stirrers and gossipers, and agree with me he needs his head read for his choices! Continually choosing to go out with women who stir and gossip is not the path to a happy contented life.

You have to let it go, and next time you feel like indulging in a spot of stirring or gossip, just count to ten first and consider the consequences.

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