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Its easier for us to be mean to each other rather than nice!

Tagged as: Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 September 2011) 4 Answers - (Newest, 24 September 2011)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

i have been woth my boyfriend for 4 years and we have a 3 year old son. recently i dont want to have sex with him and dont like it when he tries to kiss me. we argue alot about nothing and i cry alot.we both say very hurtful things to each other and i havent felt the love for a long time. i think i love him but am not sure as we spend all our time together. we live in a one bedroom flat with our son so all share a bedroom. i feel pressured into having sex and then afterwards feel sad. i use to fancy him but i think it is easier to be horrible to each to each other than nice and it has become a habit. i have tried talking to him but he just flipps so it is easier to be quiet and the problem goes away for a little the moment he dose't turn me on. he tells me he doesn't want to cuddle and that is not him. please help i dont know what to do. i have thought about seeing a relaionship person to help me.

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A female reader, Red591 United States +, writes (24 September 2011):

Red591 agony auntyou had a child way too soon. I think this is the problem. If you all would rather be mean to eachother than it is setting a horrible example for you child. You may be much better apart and get along better apart which may be much better for the child in the long run. If you are not turned on with him, argue, and feel bad all the time, then what are you holding on to. As long as both of you take care of the child and love the child then it will be ok. you just may not work as a couple.

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A female reader, angelDlite United Kingdom +, writes (24 September 2011):

angelDlite agony aunti think it is a good idea for you to see a counsellor. once you are in a pattern of being horrible to each other it is very hard to get out of because the more heated arguments you have and nasty names you call each other, the more additional reasons you have got to hate each other.

sharing a one bedroomed flat (two adults and a toddler) can't be helping matters. do you have time away from each other to do things you both enjoy? you need quality time together, NOT being stuck in a flat together all the time, its suffocating.

you were together for a year and then you had your little boy, does that mean you were together for just a few months when you got pregnant? maybe if you hadn't had your son together you would have split up before now. maybe you two are just not RIGHT for each other, counselling will help you decide if this is the case or not


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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (24 September 2011):

janniepeg agony auntIt would feel easy at that moment to just vent instead of expressing true feelings like hurt and anger. But afterwards it is not easy for you. When you are mean, what you are doing is withholding yourself from love and shutting down.

Lots of people live in a shoebox. You are not going to leave this relationship, it's not going to be easier for you, so it's better and easier in the long run to be nice than mean when you live so close to each other.

How about being the first to say nice things to him, and gradually getting closer to him until he won't realize he's actually cuddling with you.

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A female reader, chickpea2011 United States +, writes (24 September 2011):

chickpea2011 agony auntHi,

It's hard to help you, or give you any advice not knowing what the problem is. You mentioned you both argue a lot about nothing? You need to find out why? Why are you guys arguing so much about nothing? What made the relationship become what it's now? Whos at fault? What needs to be done?

It's impossible to solve anything if your partner refuse to talk to you. Like you said, it's ok for a feel days, but happens again. It's never going to end until you, and your husband start communicating. Only you and him can solve this, end this misery. I also feel bad for your precious 3 years old son, he must feel stress in such an angry, and hostile environment. I am sorry that you cry, are mistreated, and have been so sad lately.

My only advice to you is to seek professional help. Sounds like a great idea, to talk to someone, release what you are feeling inside, and hopefully you can get guidance. You need someone to help you understand how you are feeling, understand your husband behavior, your relationship, and how to make it better. Living this way must be very stressful, sad, takes so much energy out of you, and it's unhealthy, both mentally, and physically. It's not fair for your husband, your child, and you to live this way.

I hope you find peace, happiness, and hope your husband open his heart, find some compassion, and help you to make this marriage last forever.

Best wishes to your family &

Good luck

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