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It was nearly 8 years ago. We broke up due to his cheating. So why does he still have a hold over me?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, Cheating, Crushes, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 August 2014) 3 Answers - (Newest, 1 September 2014)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My ex cheated on repeatedly and when I found out it broke my heart.

We were in our late teens and it seemed like I would never get over it, as it does at that age. Time moved on and so did I, and after a year or so I felt ready to start meeting guys again.

I had a pretty good relationship that lasted two years afterwards but he was older than me and he wanted to settle down, and I didn't so that ended. I have had a few boyfriends since, but nothing serious and nothing that made me feel anything like my cheating ex did.

Maybe it was because he was my first proper boyfriend and first love but before he cheated on me, he was so loving and kind. He made my blood rush, he calmed me down when I was upset, he showed me things I could do I never knew I could. I gave him my virginity, and I did so many things with him for the first time.

We were together since school, myself then 16, and him 17.

He still lives around my town and from time to time we bump into each other and have a chat or because our friends are mutual we even end up having a night out altogether or something like that.

We have kissed a few times, but nothing ever came from it. He has spoken to me a lot on facebook, through texts ect recently.

I don't know if he wants more or if I'm thinking he might because I never got over him. I don't know if I'd want him back honestly.

I have never let any guy get close to me since, apart from my two year relationship but as soon as he wanted more I ran.

It was nearly 8 years ago but I still feel like he has a hold over me.

View related questions: broke up, cheated on me, facebook, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2014):

I have been in your shoes. By nature I loved this guy completely and had my heart broken. Years later we hooked up. Biggest mistake as he is still the same person. But what I did realise that I did not want someone that I could not trust and I had in the interim dated other guys that did a lot more for me. I don't me just mean being romantic but also thought me to love and trust again. This is something you need to figure out yourself as all the advise in the world is not going to change the fact that 8 years later you still thinking of him as the ultimate love.

I suggest you go out with him and you will figure out whether he is worth it or cut your losses and move on. From experience advise and guidance cannot erase what you feel and unless you deal with it you are stuck in the past.

Try friendship with him and let things progress on their own. Don't rush don't expect anything. This time when and if it ends it will not be the same as the first time as you are a stronger person. Go with your heart but let your brain lead.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2014):

Dont fall in his trap. He thinks youre gullible wants to have you around to feel secure until he can cheat again. I Knowles men like him. Youre better off without him. Take care.

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A female reader, -BMBTL- United Kingdom +, writes (30 August 2014):

-BMBTL- agony auntThis is a common problem when people are in relationships from a young age, i.e 16/17/18. It's hard as they are your first 'love' and it's hard to think that you can move past such a long relationship.

This being said, do you really want to always have this hanging over you? Surely, you want to move on, be with someone, and progress further with them.

I genuinely feel it's good to move on and start again, sure you'll think of that person, however, if you truly want to move on then don't reply to his messages and delete him off Facebook. You're still holding onto it.

If you cut contact then you'll feel better, this is if you want to move on, as he doesn't have a hold over you, you have the problem with moving and forgetting about it :) I've been there so I get you so much!

However, as I said, if you think you want to be with him then sure, but it's probably because you were so used to it and think you can slip back into that rhythm of being with him.

Let me know what your thoughts are :)

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