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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I don't know if I'm overreacting or what, but it seems like my friends only hang out with me when they are single. Then when they have boyfriends, it's like they vanish and completely disappear. If we do meet up, they are on their phones the entire time texting/calling their guys. Then when they break up with them or need someone to talk to, I am always there for them. But lately I feel so drained and used by them. I know things change when you are in a relationship, but is there some kind of rule saying that you can't have friends anymore when you are dating someone?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2010): Yes, there is an unwritten rule, to some degree. Let me explain.. That happens when alot of couples get together, because they feel the need to spend so much time satisfying their partner or giving them attention, that they seem to forget how important their friends' time is. This happens both intentionally and unintentionally at times. Sometimes, they will say to themselves, I don't have time for this friend or that friend, and other times they'll unintentionally date so often or spend so much time together that they'll completely fill their schedule together, leaving no room in it for a friend. The reason it happens is because their emotions and closeness is so strong that even a close friend's closeness doesn't come close to comparing, in strength and pull. As much as a friend will try to keep the dating person close and do things together, alot of friends just won't give up their strong tie they have to their bf/gf to go and hang out. Most times, when this happens, you won't be able to change that from happening unless that friend of yours decides on his/her own free will to open up some of their schedule for you. There's too much at stake when trying to hold on to a bf/gf, to possibly let the relationship go downhill when not putting all their efforts and time in. A friend, however, they know will always be there for them.. or at least that's how they feel, that they can count on them being there for them, and they don't feel the worry of losing the friends because they are sure they'll still remain friends even if their relationship with their new bf/gf fails. So as badly as it makes the friends such as yourself feel, look at it in a positive light, in that in all actuality, they have more trust and faith in their friends sticking around than they do the person they're dating. It's ironic, but they do, because they feel that any dating relationship can end at any point, whereas trust in friends comes easily, and it's a given that a good friend, such as yourself, will always be there. I know it's terrible when that happens, and I've left some good friends of mine standing on the curb for months, as well, because of the same balance of trust. I feel just as bad for those times as you probably feel for being on the receiving end of that all too common twist of fate. So please, as bitter and hurt as they might make you feel when they treat you like that, try not to be really hard on them or push them away in the times when they're single again and want to hang around you, or feel they need to lean on you. It's easy to be a friend, very hard to be an understanding friend, especially when situations like that are extremely hard to understand, when they seem to completely ignore you whenever they want. I've also had it happen to me when really good friends would date, and I realize that just like that can happen to good friends, most of the same good friends would do the same thing, not realizing the extent of their actions, when they date someone. The only way I feel a person can truely understand why they're treated that way when their friends date is for them to experience being the one dating, especially in the most serious of relationships, or longterm ones. It's hard to tolerate, I know, but I hope that by understanding that process and why good friends get crapped on when other friends date helps to make you feel a little less used, and alot more trusted and equal to those who treat you like that, since you might just do the same to some of those very friends, if you get tossed into a deeply serious or intense relationship, which sucks all the energy out of you. As much as you might think, "I would never do the same, after feeling that way", you most likely would, if you're like most people. I hope this helps to ease your hard feelings toward those friends.
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