A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I am a widow and have started a new relationship with this gentalmen that persued me for about a month before I finally gave in. He acts like he really really cares about me. He is generous ,kind, attentive, calls almost everynight, hold my han even in public kisses me passiontly takes me to dinner at least 3 times a week. He can't seem to stay away from me very long at a time. This really confuses me though. It really hearts me when he tells me he wants to go back home with his ex-wife when she doesn't want him. He says he is trying to be honest and doesn't want to heart me. Should I hang there or what?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): I hope things work out for you. Thanks for keeping us updated. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSince I last posted! In January we met for lunch and we had a talk. He and his Ex decided to try to work things out. I had stated to him that I could no longer be in the picture and hoped him good luck. Through a friend i have been told that he has still not moved back in with his ex.
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (6 November 2010):
 Is it truly worth it all? You have already felt pain once, spare your dear heart the suffering that may follow.
This man is honest at least so he obviously feels something towards you and it may or may not be strong enough to build this relationship into something more meaningful. He was right to tell you how he felt about his ex-wife but, what does he want? Sometimes we as humans feel love towards something even though it is unreciprocated but, that does not mean we WANT to feel that way. A lot of people say they love someone when they do not want to. Does he want to feel this way about his ex? In this, lies more meaning than the emotion itself.
You still need to talk to him before making any decisions, that way you will not be left with questions if/when you decide to leave him and move on. Ask him what he wants from this, where does he see this relationship going?
I agree completely with the other posters when they tell you that you have been through enough but, I refuse to accept that you can be his 'second choice'. I do not believe that you would be second choice. You should not consider that as a factor in this particular dilemma. Focus on how you feel about him. Clearly you are hurt by this which is why I urge you to talk further to him about what he wants exactly. He cannot control how he feels but again, he may not wish to feel that way. I know it seems strange but I honestly believe such a discussion is necessary if an educated choice is to be made. This way, everyone is sure of what they are doing and no one has to get hurt.
I hope that helps.
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female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1 +, writes (6 November 2010):
Give him some time to heal. Be his friend and hang out. If you two progress naturally that is fine but it dont push it. He seems like a decent honest man so enjoy. She was his wife so he loves her. Later he may end up loving you but it will take time.
By the way. You wrote HEART as in the heart that beats inside your chest, when you meant to write HURT, as in 'this person hurt my feelings.'
Not sure if you are from a different country of if it was done puposely but I just wanted to let you know in case it was a mistake.
But definitely give him time and let him know you are there for him! Good Luck.
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female
reader, SmilySmily  +, writes (5 November 2010):
I personally think that he's still not over his ex wife and he's just so lonely and wants to spend sometime with someone not necessarily you..it could be anybody i think. I know that he treats you so nice and everything but I still think that he's like not over his ex yet. so I don't think you should hang on there unless he stops telling you how much he wants to get back with his ex.
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reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (5 November 2010):
I'm with the others. You've already been through enough. You don't now need to be with an unreliable guy who's not over his ex. You need and deserve more than that. I think for your own sake you'd do better to end it now and move on. You don't need any more pain.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 November 2010):
 That's really messed up. I don't know who wants to go back after a divorce has been finalized. Maybe it was a default divorce and they had been separated for one year although the husband didn't want it. He wants to know if he has new chances in love. Unfortuntately he still hasn't moved on so he can't love anybody else now. He has been trying hard but his actions do not come from his heart, and he realizes he can't fake anymore. You haven't been with him for long, so no one would expect you to just wait. You said you "gave in," so that might imply you weren't too keen on this either.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): That's not good. He's obviously still emotionally attached to his wife. That makes you the rebound lover. At least, he's being honest with you about his feelings.
But where will this relationship get you? Do you want to play second to another woman?
I think you should discontinue the relationship until he's over his wife--if he's ever over his wife. As a widow, you've been through enough grief of your own. You don't need more at this point in your life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): He has basically told you loud and clear that he's only with you because he can't be with her.
This man is being very cruel using you like this.
What happens if his ex wife suddenly wants him back, because by what you've written, it sounds like he will drop you in a second.
I think you need to end this thing with him because he's just using you hun.
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