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It hurts that he doesn't want to marry me!

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 August 2015) 3 Answers - (Newest, 6 August 2015)
A female United States age 41-50, *teph73 writes:

My b/f and I have been together for 15 months. I am 42 he is 47, both of us have been married before. I have a 3 yr old and an 8 yr old, all of his kids are older due to him and his first wife adopting older kids.

Within the first 2 months he was talking about marriage, and started calling me his fiance' when introducing me to ppl.

I love and adore this man, my children especially my youngest is very attached to him, possibly more than he is to his dad. Long story but he is pretty much the closest thing I have to a family besides my children and my sister. I have acquaintances but no close friends. I've been stabbed in the back one too many times and am very careful who I get close with. He is my Best Friend, my family, and family to my kids.

Here's the problem...I told him I wanted to get married. I've heard everything from "Why do you want to marry me?"... "I thought I wanted to get married again but I don't think I do now"...and most recently when I asked him "Can't we get married and both of us be happy?"...he said "Yeah, some day". I Start naming months, October? Then I decided October was a bad luck month for me so I said September and he was like what about November? Like he wanted to put it off as long as possible.

But in all honesty I believe he is just trying to buy time with me and my boys and never intends on marrying me. We aren't going to have a wedding, just a trip to the court house to say "I do". So I see things like this, If he loves me and my boys and he wants us to be "his family" why wait, why put it off?

I told him one day that he would literally wait until I had a Uhaul backed up to the house, loaded with our things and ready to pull out of the drive before he'd want to marry me. And he laughed.

We live with this man, he pays all the bills and I use my child support how I want...on the kids, on things for the house, sometimes I buy us dinner. He never asks me for money and even gives me money if I spend mine...like the week I bought the kids a pool. He is good to us, but thats not enough. I look at this man and I want to cry. It hurts that he doesn't want to marry me. I woke up one day last week and it was one of those awful cryng like a baby...snot rolling out my nose and i manage to tell him in between the tears and snot that I just want us to some day be that old couple where he's the grouchy old man fussing cause his dinner isn't ready and Im in the kitchen cooking as hard as I can so I can shut him up.

Im literally to the point of I cry off and on all day while he is gone to work, I don't want to look at him because I see a man who doesnt see me as "good enough to marry". I'm to the point of Im not even happy anymore. He asked and married his first wife within 3 months. That bothers me, because she told me herself that her first true love was her 3rd husband, the man she left my b/f for. But yet she adopted 4 kids with him.

So do I leave? Or do I stay and wait?

View related questions: best friend, fiance, money, wedding

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A female reader, steph73 United States +, writes (6 August 2015):

steph73 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

There are a few reasons I don't work right now. One, it's summer and child care would take up a chunk of my child support. 2 I live 200 miles from what family I do have that could possibly help me with my kids. And my 3 yr old has a speech disability which last school yr he went to school for 4 hours a day, when school starts up later this month he will go for a full day so I do plan on working.

After telling me a few days ago that yes we could get married, I asked him last night for an honest answer..I asked him if he ever intended on actually marrying me. His reply was "Honestly I don't know".

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (6 August 2015):

CindyCares agony aunt So, your Bf thought he'd want to get married again but then changed his mind, and you do not know why. The reason you made up in your mind, is that he thinks you are good enough to mess with but not good enough to marry- and while this is a possibility, alas, there are definitely a few others that I can think of.

One being the statutory share. I don't know the exact law in your State, but ,mostly everywhere in the world there is a statutory share for a surviving spouse-whether the deceased spouse made a will or not. Let's say, hypotethically, when he dies his estate is worth 500.000 USD ( or 100.000 , or 10.000 , how much does not really matter ). If you are legally married , then one half , or one third, or one tenth... it depends from the local laws,- it's yours and as such won't go to his children .

That's a common reason for people to not get remarried

( and, FWIW, I think it makes a lot of sense ). Some people who has worked hard all for years and years to put together something for leaving it to their children, do not want this amount to be decreased in favour of a partner, that, although even beloved, still has come to the scene several years later, and still... is not one of their children.

- Another could be that you have different ideas and different appreciation in ref. to certain scenarios .What you find so appealing ( grumpy old husband and wive cooking up a storm just to make him shut up ) is typical of sitcoms. " Everybody loves Raymond " 's parents come immediately to mind. And it works wonders on the small screen, quite less in real life. Meaning that it is an endearing, comforting scenario on TV, but for some people - including , frankly, your undersigned- it's absolutely bone chilling.

You see,one of the few advantages of finding yourself widowed or divorced at a mature age, is that you know you do not HAVE to do the " grumpy old man - fussy old wife " thing. While if you married young, and it lasted, well of course you are not going to kick your spouse out just because age brought on a souring of the spirit and visible signs of physical decay - if you find yourself single in your later years ,onstead, you can CHOOSE to avoid becoming legally, financially, morally and psychologically responsible for another grimpy fussy old codger ( or old crone ) just like you- there 's one already that you have to deal with, and that's enough :).

I know quite a few couples in their 60s and 70s which are in a relationship- everybody at their own place and home :). This total merging of lives, extended families, finances, time together and possible ailments is something that's more appealing when you are young, when you get older some people love the idea ( like you ), some other find it daunting.

By this, I don't mean your bf must be a cad who is planning to ditch you unceremoniously as soon as you hit 60:). At the end of the day ,it's all about love, if he loves you he'll stay around, even if it means pushing yout wheelchair ( knock on wood ), or having to show you his physical decline and accepting your help to change his incontinence diapers.

All I am saying is that yes, I understand how a man or a woman may want to feel that if this happens, ot is a voluntary sacrifice, his free choice, not an unescapable legal obligation . " Forever " , " in sickness or in health " sounds much better and more manageable when you are in your 20s or 30s, because the future feels so far away that is not quite imaginable yet. Later on , other considerations may very well show up.

I am not saying this is nice or moral or fine or etc... etc. It just IS, in the mind of some people.

( And anyway, just to be on the safe side, I would not push the pedal on the cozy old fuddydaddy scenario, not everybody would feel it like a big enticement to get married ) .

His reluctance could also be born from a combo of " if it ain't broke don't fix it " / " why buying the cow if you can get the milk for free ". I mean, objectively marriage made a lot more sense when people did not dream, or was uncomfortable at least, of living together and raising a family BEFORE being married. Then marriage was a vision for the future , and a big life change .

But you , for instance, already live together, already operate like a family unit, already take your vacations together, share finances etc. So, what's in it for him if he marries you ? _ what does he get that he is not getting now ? what's his motivation ?..

I understand that for you the motivation is , the committment and the promise that this situation is permanent and going to last , and you think, reasonably, that he should want the same. BUT- he is divorced ( And you are too ): He knows it is a promise that can be broken, if circumstances require. And you know you can't foresee the arising of such circumsstances, as he probably never thought he'd end up divorced when he married the previous lady -and neither you did when you married your ex.

So, the promise , that can easily be taken back if needs be, may not be enough of an enticement for him to change his status. He does not feel that by getting married he will be getting anything he is not having now, so why bother.

Again, not saying this is the right way of thinking, just that this is a possible way of thinking. And that these possibilities,for instance, have got nothing to do with you not being good enough or not as good as his previous wife.

I wonder how come you haven't ever asked him WHY he does not want , or he is hesitant ,to get married . Why the subject hasn't come up as in other form than hints or jokes.

I feel it would be very important for you to know why he his dragging his feet. Maybe it is a fear that you can dispel, or an argument that you can overturn by logic ; or, au contraire, it is a hate/ contempt for marriage as a social institution, so he is never going to do it again.

His response would give you a good indication, I guess, about what 's best to do for you , if waiting some more until he warms up to the idea, or call that Uhail and go.

But as long as you can't even imagine the bases for his refusal, any decision you make will be uninformed, thereby imprudent.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2015):

Ask him point blank why he doesn't want to get married.

Only when you know what's holding him back can you assuage his fears.

I strongly advise you to use your child support money on investments, speak to a financial advisor. If for some reason, your relationship goes south life will be tough for you paying rent and bills. You children might need a college fund too.

It's great that he's generous and don't hesitate to treat him to dinners etc. But don't forget that your children are your personal responsibility and he could walk anytime. Even if you get married, he might not write your children into his will or pay for their college or not buy them a car etc. You have an opportunity to save up funds for a rainy day should you ever need it. You wouldn't have this opportunity if you were not with him.

I have to question the wisdom of you not working. You rely so much on this man that the day he passes / leaves (hoping for neither) you will be completely alone without a job but with a massive gap on your cv. As the kids grow older, they will use up more of the child support and you will struggle to live.

No wonder you are stressed. You are living in a glass house.

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