A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dearcupid, is trust something you can work on with a partner, or is it a complete lost cause if you don't trust them? My ex boyfriend and I have been back in contact as of only a month ago. We were broken up for several months. I had broken up with him because I felt like he had an inappropriate relationship going on with another woman. When him and I broke up, I found out he slept with her a handful of times and that they were also going on dates. While he was seeing her, he still told me he was in love with me and I was a better fit for him than this other girl and that he was confused about his feelings. They ended up breaking up and then a few weeks later we got back in touch. What upsets me is that this girl he was seeing really liked him and has contacted him a couple of times asking if they can work on things and tells him she still cares about him. He doesn't say this stuff back to her, but he still keeps in touch with her and wants to be friends with her, which kind of bothers me. As much as I care and love this man, I have a feeling he may have commitment issues and is the type to have emotional affairs. He gets very attached emotionally and mentally, and has a hard time getting over people. It's something that concerns me. He treats my young daughter very well, and in ways I do trust him. But in some ways I don't. I'm scared he's going to go back to this other woman, or flirt with her, or choosing to be with her again over me, I just don't know what to doHe says we can work on our trust issues and slowly work on getting back together, but is trust something that can be worked on?
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (22 May 2016):
 Take the letter T away from TRUST and you get RUST!
"He says we can work on our trust issues..."
That’s absolute RUBBISH!
Meanwhile "he still keeps in touch with her and wants to be 'friends' with her"
No sooner is he out of bed with one woman, he's in bed with another - YOU!
I suggest you stop acting desperate, don't recycle this piece of rubbish behaviour.
Not even a Recycle Depot would touch him and nor should you.
I'd start afresh.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2016): Sorry, sweetie.
In this case, the answer is NO.
You will never be able to trust him. And more importantly, he is NOT worthy of your trust.
And your inability to trust him is inevitably going to destroy your well being and your relationship with him in time. That is IF he does not destroy it all on his by cheating on you again with this other girl or some other girl altogether. You cannot spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder, always worrying about when and if he is going to cheat. It isn't a matter of IF. It's a matter of WHEN. HE WILL CHEAT AGAIN.
Don't stick around to have him destroy you ALL OVER AGAIN. Be kind to yourself and your heart. He won't be. HE WILL NEVER BE THE MAN YOU WANT HIM TO BE.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 May 2016):
 I LOVE uncle BrownWolf's analogy to trash.
Read it, and take that in.
Your relationship DIDN'T work, because HE wasn't trustworthy, because he didn't respect your relationship OR you. He still isn't trustworthy and he still doesn't respect you.
NOTHING HAS CHANGED!
The guy was seeing this NEW chick, but keeping you as a "spare" option in case "new" girl didn't work out. And well, she isn't quite working out, so now he is flip-flopping to get back to you.
He doesn't WANT to be alone. JUST look at his ACTIONS!. He was chatting her up while still dating you, and chatting YOU up while being with her.
You (general you) CAN'T just jump from one person to the next without processing WHY it didn't work. Without taking SOMe responsibility for his actions.
Your man is FULL of empty promises, and honey... words are cheap.
Have you asked him point blank HOW you are supposed to "work" on the trust issues? The disrespect? I sounds good to say "we will work on this or that..." reality is, unless he has a plan of action that you both can adhere to and agree upon, it's not likely AT ALL that you can get past the trust issue. And maybe.. you shouldn't WANT to get past it.
Do you really think bringing this man back into you AND more importantly your daughter's life is a good thing?
There are SO many more guys out there.
WANT more for yourself. EXPECT more from a partner.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 May 2016):
 In some ways you can learn and work on trust. However in your case it will be very difficult. The thing is this man lied and cheated on you. He was seeing another woman behind your back, so if he cared for you as much as he says he does well he would never have looked at another woman. If he is still wanting to be friends with this woman, even after all the hurt it caused you well then it shows that he is not prepared to let her go, so in my opinion no I would not think he is to be trusted. Yes he may care for you, but the temptation will always be there for him and if he has commitment problems well then you will always be looking over your shoulder and wondering what he is up to. Sweetie he is in your past, move on from him and focus on your future. Remember not only is it you that is getting messed around but you need to think off your young daughter as well. You cannot have him come in and out of her life. It is simply not fair.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (20 May 2016):
When you throw away old food in the garbage, even amazing food you once enjoyed and loved...you know...old leftovers. Do sit there and think to yourself "I really enjoyed that food. I loved it so much." Then you get up, go in the garbage, get the food back out an eat it?
Going back to an ex is like going back and eating you own vomit. Especially when that ex was sleeping with another woman. If he truly loved you as he said, why is he is another woman's bed?
All ex boyfriends should stay just that. Learn from it, and move on. Imagine life like a highway. Life is ALWAYS moving forward. Going back to an ex boyfriend means you will be driving backwards in your life, when everything is moving forward. What do you think is going to happen??
You can't meet the right man for you up ahead, if you are driving backwards away from him. The right man is there waiting. But since you are to busy looking in the wrong direction, some other woman will drive up, and take what should have been yours.
Don't spend time in the past, the future has no use for it.
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