A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I've been with my partner for over 10 years now. I'm not sure what to expect out of the relationship. If I'm looking for too much and it's unrealistic. I feel like we don't have anything in common anymore. He just plays computer games all the time. He doesn't want to go out anywhere with me. The only time we get together is when he wants to watch a common tv show, then he's away again. When I talk to him about my problems or things that annoy me, he cuts me off and tells me he's bored or he knows the story and can guess what happened and I don't need to finish. Or he doesn't want to hear me moan because he's home and wants to relax. I don't know when I can talk to him.When I'm not well he doesn't help me and says I'm faking. But I run around like a chicken after him the other way around.Everything feels like a fight. If I make a comment about something, it's like he's trying to prove me wrong. When it's nothing to be competitive over. Like if I said I think it will rain today and he'll say no it won't I'm right, like.. I was just making conversation.If he says something hurtful I'll pull him up right away and say that's mean and he says he didn't say anything. When he just said it. We've moved in together in the past 2 years, so I don't know if this is just typical behaviour of people trying to live together or typical because we've been together so long. I just always thought your partner would be a rock and you'd have fun. Would have disagreements, but work through it and you'd be happy if your not fighting, but I feel I'm just always a sense of grey and everything is just 'ok'. Is this what I should expect after 10 years? Is it just something I need to keep working at and eventually we will settle? Or is it a relationship run it's course?
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (24 January 2018):
 He isn't fulfilling your emotional needs. Relationships often change when couples move in together. There is some work he needs to do if the relationship is going to survive. Starting out with reading his needs her needs together.
I do have one question about your expectations. Have you really ever had a lot of fun with a rock?
Stability and security are one of your needs. Humor, or recreational companionship is another, not sure on that one. But the real big one is intimate conversation. Sadly he seems to lacking in all of those.
Frequently Stability and intimate conversation top the needs list of women. So it is likely these are your strongest needs, and not just the things you are missing at the moment.
Seriously, get the book. Even if you drop this relationship, you will learn a lot.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 January 2018):
 I have to agree with BtNot,
Your relationship has hit it's expiration date. You can not FIX a broken down relationship all on your own, if he REFUSES to pitch in, to actually acknowledge that things are not good and there needs to be some changes made, there really is no future here.
You are holding out for hope. Hope that he will change. Which is sweet of you but also a waste of your time. The likelihood of him realizing what his behavior DOES to you and to the relationship is slim to none. He seems to be needling you, push your buttons to make you not only shut up but basically "go away".
Time to figure out new living arrangements. If the place you live at was initially yours, give him 30 days to get out. It might feel awkward to still have to live together but it's ONLY a month. If the place is HIS, find new living accommodations ASAP. If you two moved into something together and you can't afford it on your own, again, find new accommodations and give him notice that you are moving out. Just make sure that IF you are on a lease that you talk to the landlord and sort out obligations.
Make sure to separate your finances ASAP. Divide furniture etc.
I think the notion that you NOW have to live in some grey, unhappy zone because HE won't talk about issues and you are afraid to hurt him by ended it, it's sad. For both of you.
I know breaking up is NEVER fun. And after 10 years you would have hoped things would have worked out to a well oiled relationship. If you two have been together from teenage years until now, there should have been a LOT of growth and maturity - you might have grown in totally different directions. It seems like HE hasn't grown much if he is still being an argumentative "3 year old".
Is this really how you see your life? Living with someone who have stopped giving a damned about you.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (24 January 2018):
 Sometimes it's quite telling what people DON'T say in a post. For example, you DON'T say how you feel about him. Usually people say "we have this problem and this, BUT I LOVE HIM". No mention of that from you. How DO you feel about him? I am guessing you don't feel much of anything for him at the moment. You need to remember that the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. He keeps showing complete indifference to your needs. While you appear to care for him a lot more than he does for you, I doubt you actually LOVE him any longer. His behaviour towards you has probably slowly smothered any love you felt for him.
Assuming he is of a similar age to you, you both started this relationship very early. You have both changed a lot over the years you have been together. However, it appears that, instead of growing together, you have grown apart. This is not uncommon.
He keeps showing you that he does not care about your needs or feelings. Sweetheart, BELIEVE him. He really doesn't care. Don't waste time trying to change him or trying to prove yourself worthy of his love.
Can you envisage being in this same boring grey situation 5 years, 10 years, 20 years down the line? What a waste of a life! You deserve so much more.
My advice would be to end the relationship quickly and cleanly, cutting all ties with him. Give yourself time to get over him, then get out there and find someone who really cares about you and your needs.
I have a sneaky suspicion that he will not be too upset when you end the relationship (unless he needs you to pay half the rent). It sounds like he is pushing you to your limits so that YOU are the one who finishes it. People do this when they are spineless and don't have the courage to end things themselves but actually want out of a relationship.
Do yourself a favour and find someone who loves you and deserves you. You are worth so much more than this guy is giving you.
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A
female
reader, italiangurl28 +, writes (24 January 2018):
I agree with Been there Now over it- you know the answers to your own questions. Just re-read your post. Is that the person you want to come home to every day after work for the rest of your life? He adds absolutely nothing to your life. He's not a partner- it's all you putting in the effort, he's just getting through the days. You deserve passion, kindness, and someone who honestly cares about you and what you have to say. It's a one sided relationship. You know what you want, you clearly stated it, and he's not giving it to you. He honestly seems to be irritated by you and I'm not sure why he's staying around either (not because of anything you did). Also, 10 years and no proposal? You're at an age that you guys should be ready to get married and this shows that he's not sure about you or deep down knows you're not the one but he's too comfortable to leave because you do a lot for him. If you're waiting for him to suddenly flip a switch and start listening to you more and putting in more of an effort, and the fighting will stop- I can confidently say it's not going to happen. I know after being with someone for that long, the honeymoon phase fades out, but it doesn't mean you stop doing things for one another, and supporting each other, and going out and having fun on date nights. That's the issue with couples after being together for so long- they get comfortable and stop putting in the effort and therefore, you get bored and lose the spark. It shouldn't be that way. But your case is pretty extreme and I'm not feeling any love from his end. I can't imagine making the move to leave someone after 10 years and there will definitely be a hard period for you to get through, but you're still young and have time to meet someone else, and you'll look back and be happy you did it when you find the right person and wonder how you stayed with him for so long. Just look at it as a learning experience and you'll be able to recognize the red flags sooner in a new relationship and you know what you want. Sometimes writing your thoughts down can help too. Make a list of pros and cons of your relationship. I think you'll come to find there are a lot more cons on that list. Also, be thankful that you aren't married and can walk away without the hassle of a divorce. I wish you luck in whatever you choose to do.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (24 January 2018):
It seems you pretty well know the answers to your questions. He is out of your control...you really can't conform him to meet your expectations. He'll remain lazy, apathetic, rude and detached as long as it suits him. No, relationships can wane but the decline of yours is extreme.
I hope you feel you deserve better! I hope you want to live a life that is more interesting and fulfilling than what you've been living with him.
What are the chances of him turning a new leaf and becoming a more energetic and pleasant person? What are the chances of him becoming your rock and the two of you having lots of fun? Pretty low, aren't they. So low that there is no use of you sticking around. You shouldn't be putting up with this. You are still at a good age to enter the dating pool. Every day with him is a day you've wasted. You know what to do. Get away from this fellow so that you can be happy and enjoy life.
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