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Is this starting to become a love triangle?

Tagged as: Friends, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 August 2014) 9 Answers - (Newest, 30 August 2014)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Is this starting to become a love triangle?

A couple of years ago, I met a married couple who became my friends (the woman more than the man). I too am married. With time, I found my friend's husband increasingly attractive, and noticed he is so much like me. I always respected the rules of the game but it seems that this couple argue a lot and she complains she is no longer attracted to him, and even went on to say that I should have married her husband!

She always mocks and belittles her husband. I think he is also attracted to me by the way he speaks to me and looks at me. Him and I recently decided that we might attend a work event together, and I assumed she knew from her husband. When I brought it up, I could tell she didn't know much about it.

Recently, I finally confirmed I would be going to this event, and I emailed him to ask him a work related question. He happily responded that he couldn't wait to see me there. The following day, she told me that she teases him all the time because she could leave him any time and has other men lined up for her. His response to her was that he also has a date with me! She jokingly said it would be brilliant because him and I have so much in common. When she told me all this, my jaw dropped.

My relationship with my husband has been rocky too. I am just curious as to why this guy would have told his wife this information when the event is platonic yet he might be attracted to me? Wouldn't he be trying to be a little more discreet? Is he trying to test the waters with his wife to see how she would respond to him one day being with me? She seems totally uninterested in her husband. And I am losing interest in my husband as well.

View related questions: friend's husband, no longer attracted

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2014):

Op I'm sorry but I feel this is very much your own fantasy .. Okay your friend's husband may be attracted to you, he may flirt a little even but that doesn't mean he is going to ditch his wife and you two are going to live happily ever after ...

To me, this couple have issues that's certain but they also have feelings for each other .. Why? Do I think that I hear you say .. Well by reading your post you bring up the fact that your female friend tells her husband she has men lined up for her ... Now if she did, would she really be telling him this, wouldn't she just go and get a new man .. No she told him this to get a reaction ..

And she does get the reaction, he then counters back to get up her nose, that he has a date with you...

Seriously .. Your friend knows you have a crush on her hubby, she noticed hence her telling you .. Oo you two would be great together .. She doesn't mean this, she telling you that she knows what your up too.

You say you wouldn't cross any boundaries .. I'm sorry to say you already have.. You're not a good friend at all and should remove yourself from this couple life's, you go there visiting hoping to flirt and have your ego boosted, while stabbing whom you call a friend in the back by itching about her ....

No one knows, what you say to your hubby when angry .. And when she says she feels like a monster to you .. She means she probably said cruel and angry words that she shouldn't have and she feels rotten ..

You on the other hand use this so that we see her as an itch .. Isn't that awful of you really?

As a mental health nurse, my advice still stands .. Leave this couple alone, try and work through your own issues.

If this man does have feelings for you, which I think your fantasised in your head then he will seek you out, won't he ?

Take care

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2014):

Op I'm sorry but I feel this is very much your own fantasy .. Okey your friends husband may be attracted to you, he may flirt a little even but that doesn't mean he is going to ditch his wife and you two are going to live happily ever after ...

To me, this couple have issues that's certain but they also have feelings for each other .. Why? Do I think that I hear you say .. Well by reading your post you bring up the fact that your female friend tell her husband she has men lined up for her ... Now if she did, would she really be telling him this, wouldn't she just go and get a new man .. No she told him this to get a reaction ..

And she does get the reaction, he then counters back to get up her nose, that he has a date with you... Seriously .. Your friend knows you have a crush on her hubby, she noticed hence her telling you .. Oo you two would be great together .. She doesn't mean this, she telling you that she knows what your up too.

You say you wouldn't cross any boundaries .. I'm sorry to say you already have.. Your not a good friend at all and should remove yourself from this couple life's, you go there visiting hoping to flirt and have your ego boosted, while stabbing whom you call a friend in the back by itching about her ..

No one knows, what you say to your hubby when angry .. And when she says she feels like a monster to you .. She means she probably said cruel and angry words that she shouldn't have and she feels rotten .. You on the other hand use this so that we see her as an itch .. Isn't that awful of you really?

As a mental health nurse, my advice still stands ..

Leave this couple alone, try and work through your own issues.

If this man does have feelings for you, which I think your fantasised in your head then he will seek you out, won't he ?

Take car

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (30 August 2014):

Anonymous 123 agony auntThe man is trapped in a loveless marriage with nothing to look forward to and he knows that there is a connection between you and him. Maybe he sees the platonic work event as a date and the first exciting thing that's happened to him in a long time where he gets to be with someone who he has a connection with.

While his sentiments are genuine, the fact of the matter is that you are both married, maybe to the wrong people, but married nevertheless. There are young children involved on both sides. Tread very carefully here. I cant speak for him but if you're unhappy with your marriage then you should either try working on it or file for a divorce. Tempting as it is, don't start an affair with him while still married.

When a marriage or a relationship isn't working out, its normal to feel attracted to other people who you feel are more your "type". People you think you can vibe and connect with, people you'll be more attracted to, people who "get" you better. Remember however that when you married your husband you probably felt the same way about him and your unhappiness in your current situation can lead you to do things now which you might regret later.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2014):

I am the OP of this question.

While I can see that an emotional whirlwind (or emotional affair) as 'Fatherly advice' noted can make people lose interest in their spouse, I think in my situation, it is the opposite. I have a lot of issues with my husband and my patience is wearing thin with the years. Add in the mix of an exit strategy- another man- (as illogical as it may be) makes the fantasy a little more real in my mind. I would of course never overstep my boundaries. I just feel like I can connect with this man. I also know how he is treated. His wife calls herself a monster, so these are her words, not my assumptions. I also hear how she speaks to him.

This is such a difficult position to be in. Both him and I have young children and I wouldn't ever do anything irresponsible but the potential to be with someone else who just makes me so happy, is very enticing (and I don't mean in a sexual way). I just mean that I would love to be with someone emotionally . His wife is pushing him further away, but yet he is not available. I still don't understand why he blurted out to her that he 'had a date with me'. What was THAT about? Why would he tell her that??

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (29 August 2014):

Fatherly Advice agony auntIt is normal to lose interest in your husband when you are in an emotional affair with another man. We call it the affair fog. You can't see the world clearly. Wise owl E's advice is exactly what you need.

FA

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (29 August 2014):

eyeswideopen agony auntDo you have children?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (29 August 2014):

It's so easy to yield to temptation, bypass legalities, ignore the boundaries, and get immediate gratification.

The question is, when will you set the actions in motion to release you from your present commitment, before you decide to make a beeline for another woman's husband? Assuming you think you know how he's feeling about you, and whether you have her permission to help yourself. I smell something that just doesn't smell right?

She may be setting you up, just to see if you'll go for the bait. Trust me, she is not giving you her blessing. You don't know all the details of their marital-problems, and they don't know yours. She only tells you only what she wants you to know about him. She says a lot of things that could just be setting her husband up, infidelity would certainly sweeten the pot for her in a divorce.

You don't live with him, so how are you so absolutely sure he's so right for you? He's only going to show you his charming side to get you in the sack. You certainly aren't going to show him anything, but what makes the best impression.

She'll act as though it's all cool with her. The minute anything happens; she will snap, and turn into a raging bitch against the both of you.

You only have a case of the "grass is greener." That on top of a case of raging hormones. Enticed by the fantasy of having an affair. End result, the nastiest mess you could ever imagine. The drama of all dramas.

You should take care of your domestic situation and get the wheels in motion to get out of your broken marriage. Not be enticed into a drama you will only live to regret. Let them deal with their own problems and not drag you into it.

Triangles are great plots for movies, soap operas, and romance novels. They are living hell in reality. I only think you're tempted by the forbidden fruit.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2014):

Be careful. You seem to be hoping they will break up so you and your friend's husband can have a relationship?

My advice would be to stop spending time with the husband alone all together, and cut down on interactions with them as a couple so you can avoid the temtation. Take that time to work on your own marriage with your husband. Put some effort into that relationship and see if you can smooth out your rough patch.

Your friend, no matter what she jokingly says, would be very betrayed if you and he do things behind her back (looks like that may have already started with not sharing her the information about your business trip right away?)

The fantasy of you and your friends husband being together is not real. You will only see the easy, fun, passionate stuff there; and no real relationship can compete with a fantasy. Please show some respect to your friends, your husband, and yourself and start putting your energy into your marriage and let the friends deal with thier own.

Good luck to you.

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A female reader, SeaGreen Canada +, writes (29 August 2014):

SeaGreen agony auntIf you're losing interest in your husband the moral thing to do would be to concentrate on fixing your marriage or to divorce. Not to allow these thoughts of another married man.

I wouldn't get too worked up about your "friend's" husband. Let them work it out. To get involved is asking for trouble. Regardless if they are having problems in their marriage at the end of the day he is married to HER. That makes him unavailable to you if you have morals.

Focus on the important thing at the moment. Your relationship with your husband. Is it worth saving? Are you really so unhappy that you want to leave your husband? Do you feel any guilt? If the answer is no to these questions then the wise thing to do is divorce.

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