A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have recently left my wife for the 4th time. We have been a fighting couple since we met 2 1/2 years ago. Every time we fight, she always kicks me out and as a result of that have lost 3 jobs. Everytime I have gone back. She is older than me by 10 years. Our fights are about everything, from where we should have dinner at; to who did not answer their cell phone. I have asked her to take my name but she wont, and we dont have bank accounts together. Her family hates me for really no good reason. I have caught her in small lies before and even though I have not caught her lying about big things, like cheating, I dont trust her a whole lot. Am I being to much of a macho man to her? or is this relationship not good? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2007): Firstly, understand that there is no such thing as a relationship or marriage, without conflict or arguing. But excessive arguing damages relationships especially when there is no resolution. Hurt feelings can fester and grow inside a person. Sounds like you are both strong people and people with different personalities, opinions and feelings "lock horns" with one another. And it doesn't help that you have caught her in a lie or two. She needs to understand that lying does destroy trust.
Remember, resolving a disagreement can create a deeper understanding and respect between a couple. I think you and your wife are stuck..you both cannot 'effectively disagree and find solutions'. A change in perspective will help. Some helpful tips I have are: Don't blame; take responsibility for yourself. Blaming puts your partner in a defensive position. Don't tell your partner that they are wrong. If you do, you can be assured that the "wrong" partner will fight even harder to prove that they are right. Most importantly, listen. Try to put yourself in your partner's shoes and make an effort to understand how she feels. Don’t prepare your rebuttal while your partner talks. Instead, try to work on accepting what your partner is really saying. Remember, just because you have differing perspectives doesn’t make one of you right and the other one wrong. You both just need to learn to deal with conflict effectively and in a mature manner. These suggestions I put forth here, sound easy but in reality, they are difficult to put into practice. It takes constant effort and discipline and an absolute determination to make your marriage work. However, if you and your wife make that commitment, then I’m certain you’ll create a marriage based on love and respect. A good recommendation is to seek marriage counselling..these professionals are trained to give you and your wife great ideas on how to curb the arguing and learn to resolve issues, in a positive way. Good luck.
A
female
reader, Patient1 +, writes (13 April 2007):
 Based on the information you have provided it sounds like this relationship is just not so good. You both need to decide if you want to make this relationship work. If you do then it sounds like you both need to work on your insecurities. From my own personal experience it seems that a lot of the petty arguing stems from insecurity. It's hard enough when one person in the realationship in insecure but it's really hard when poth parties are insecure. If you two really love eachother then at least is a problem that you can both work on, even if it takes counseling. It could also be that you two have grown into different people after all that's been said and done. Sometimes things change us in our relationships which cause us to become less and less compatible. If that's the case then I would respectfully move on. Chaos in a relationship is not healty, especially if you intend on having any children in the future. I hope this helped. Good luck!
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