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Is this man using me as a back up or did he actually like me?

Tagged as: Age differences, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 July 2015) 6 Answers - (Newest, 3 August 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Should I give this guy another chance?

I recently met a guy on match, he is 11 yrs older than myself and is early 50s. We met at least on 5 occasions.

The last time I stayed over at his place, we got a little intimate but we never went all the way. I was left a bit confused by this guy as he intiitated the whole thing and I felt a bit led on by him. When I left his I was expecting to hear from him again but didn't. 3wks passed and nothing. I didn't contact him either, I'm familiar with men and dating online and know they are like kids in candy stores but expected more from a older guy.

He then starts winking at me on the dating site, I ignored him as I felt he was playing games. Out of the blue I get a 'hi how's the dating going ' message. I did respond politely and did not mention anything regarding our time together. He hasn't either.

What are the odds that he's using me as back up, or he actually did like me. I'm playing it cool and not reading too much into him contacting me. I'm not sure if this is a normal thing guys do when dating women online.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2015):

Thanks for your reply.

This guy has gone from winking to now making polite conversation. He'd asked me if I'd been on anymore dates to which I indicated I had. I did not want him to assume I'd waited around for him or had been annoyed.

he said he'd been on another date but wasn't his type. I'd asked him if he'd like to chat with my single friend and he said he preferred chatting to me but then goes quiet.

I'm wondering if this is more ego related since I did not chase him and maybe he's had a taste of his own medicine. It makes no sense to me that you would get partially intimate and disappear then reappear and just make general chit chat and then go quiet. I'm happy to allow myself to be hunted but am getting mixed signals.

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A male reader, BE125 United States + , writes (3 August 2015):

Wow that is an interesting question. It's funny you mention that because I have women do the same thing to me. Just last week I ran into a friend I had not seen in a year, and she asked me a ton of questions and seemed sincerely interested in how I was doing. She's a very attractive and sincere person. When I ran into her I was a bit distracted because I had just received some bad news about a family members health condition and so I felt that maybe I wasn't all there because it wasn't a good time for me to engage in friendly conversation, but I did my best. Later that night I felt kinda bad because I felt like I didn't engage with her enough or perhaps sent the wrong message by coming across as distracted. So I emailed her and explained the situation and what had occurred just prior to me running into her. I explained that I was a bit knocked down to hear about my family members condition and that I apologize if I came across as distracted, and that it really was great to see you. Well, I got no reply, nothing...I'm sharing this because I can't totally make sense out of why this guy treated you so well and then seemingly stopped cold turkey and severed communication. my best guess is that he was maybe shook up by the encounter because you mention it didn't go as far as it could have. Personally I think it scared him, because when you are in the process of getting close to someone It can be a bit scary.

But then he starts winking again and makes contact again. That part surprised me. My best guess is he was scared by the intimacy, realized he screwed up, and then tried to re engage. I don't necessarily think that proves he has someone else. It's always possible, but my gut tells me the intimate encounter shook him up. I think maybe the best way to handle this

is to come right out and ask him the question you are asking us. I think that's the only chance of knowing for sure. Let us know how it goes!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2015):

Well, something similar happened to me... And I found out he was married and they had a fight, he was thinking of leaving her the night we met. but decided he would stay and work it out. He kept coming around but wouldn't get intimate with me. It's a huge red flag, he's in a committed relationship (probably married) could be in another state. And he is just using you for entertainment or to feel wanted, but when they don't go all the way it is likely because they are in a committed relationship. I learned the hard way. i finally made him tell me the truth, and then I never saw him again. I had to force it out of him but he finally admitted to me he loved his wife and was staying with her. He wanted to stay friends but I refused as this was not fair to her or me. Move on. Stop him. He's married.

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A female reader, Keeley345 United Kingdom +, writes (31 July 2015):

I've dated older men myself and agree, you'd expect better given their life experience. Online dating which i've tried and met some great men with, can be a pain. Yes, there are people out there who use it as a site to meet and hook up with loads of people either for sex or just dating. But if you meet someone you like, well... you hope they'll want you too and close their online account down or just not go on it out of respect while they're getting to know you.

But alot of people don't and it p*sses me off. Is he using you as back up? Maybe. Has he told you about his relationship history and intentions? Some older men do have r/ship hang ups and may be reluctant to commit e.g marry again or have more kids. Some, after years of marriage, are like kids in a candy store once they're single again, and want to date different women with no strings attached.

Also he may be seeing YOU online dating and thinking the same. My suggestion is if you like him ask him where you stand and if he starts blowing hot and cold then you'll know. One more try with him hun and that's it.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (31 July 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with Tisha, but I will say he DOES like to have "back-ups" and I think he wouldn't mind USING you as one.

So I would (if it was me) drop this one and block him, he is wasting your time if you are actually on the dating site to MEET someone.

I think with dating sites you get all sorts, the serious ones, the not at all serious, the married ones, the "browser", the guy wanting to be a "player... you get em all. IT IS up to you, to suss them out and to NOT waste YOUR time on guys who act questionable (like the one you mention) and move on.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (30 July 2015):

Tisha-1 agony auntI think if he liked you, he'd pursue you. I'd just ignore him and move on! Just because a guy has a few more years on you doesn't make him more mature or wiser.

You met him 5 times in person, you got a little intimate (sexual without intercourse) and then .... nothing. Crickets.

Definitely just let this one continue to flail about in the dating pool.

Oh, and don't take this as some sort of judgement on your datability. Just take it as you two are not compatible, that he's a bit of a time-waster and don't let him distract you.

Drop, block, move on. If you feel you have to respond to him again, "Hey, thanks for the date, it's not going to be a match for us, wish you the best for your future. Best wishes and goodbye."

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