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Is this just a one night stand or something more?

Tagged as: Friends, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 August 2018) 18 Answers - (Newest, 13 August 2018)
A female United States age 26-29, *onfusedaboutthis writes:

Okay people I need opinion here.... especially from a guys perspective!!

So i met a guy from my old state through social media. He contacted me first asking about hiking trails in the new state I was located. He was helping move his mom here where I currently live and wanted to do some hiking while here. We have mutual friends and I asked a few about him. All said he was a good guy, very nice... even though they didn't know him all that well.

Long story short we started talking daily. Joked around a lot and we just clicked. Spoke on the phone a few times. I ended up meeting him out on some trails and hiking with him. It went well and he invited me to go out to dinner with his family. Said if I wanted to stay in his hotel I was welcome to since I had a long drive home.

I met his family, we all got along great, had a nice dinner, went to some shops in the city we were in and joked around. Lots of laughter and everyone was having fun.

We went back to his room and watched a movie. I made the first move and cuddled up to him, he initiated the first kiss... and from there things went all the way. We had talked before hand about this and how neither of us was meeting up just to have sex. He said sex was not expected, he just wanted to hang out.

It was okay but I did feel a little guilty about hooking up with someone that quickly. It's not my style and something I have never done. I slept in his bed, but we didn't cuddle.

The next morning he set up his laptop for me to watch a movie while he showered since i was up and ready hours before. His phones synced to his laptop and while he was showering a text came in on the screen from his mom saying "you need to talk about it." This may not have had anything to do with me....he invited me to stay and have breakfast with his family. I just played it cool and again we all got along really well. I followed him to the rent a car place and gave him a lift back to the motel. We hugged and I headed home. He mentioned he wanted to come back and visit and would drive to me to go hiking closer to the part of the state I lived in.

He texted me right after I left saying he had a lot of fun and was so glad we could finally meet.

And since, he has texted on and off. He was busy moving his mom and flying home.

Today is his first day home, he texted me last night saying he had landed, and I didn't text back. I feel a little awkward about the situation and am not sure if I was used or if he has any feelings.

Then this morning he texts well????

I said "well what you have to be more specific" he proceeds to sent 3 texts back to back saying " you never responded lol" " you need a new phone, you must not have gotten my message"

I told him I had received it, but yes my phones busted and I need a new one... and now he is carrying on the convo like before we met.

Idk if we are just friends with benefits, if he wants more... He has mentioned moving to my state eventually... I like the guy, but I don't want to be someone he keeps on the hook just to sleep with while over here visiting.... opinions??? I would ask wtf the situation is but I don't want to sound needy or insecure. Because I'm not sure I want a relationship I just want to know where we stand... do i make myself less available text wise? Continue on how we were?? Guys.... can you fill me in on what guys might be thinking in his shoes???

View related questions: friend with benefits, insecure, one night stand, text

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (13 August 2018):

N91 agony auntSurely YOU can see on your own without asking us for advice that he’s no good? He is asking for nude pics and feeding you a bit of bullshit to keep you hooked.

People either want a relationship or they dont. There’s no ‘I don’t know’ about it. How can you be confused about it? You either want to be single or not, it’s not a tough choice is it?

Draw a line under this one and forget about it. Don’t have sex the first time you meet someone and you’re much more likely to find genuine people.

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A female reader, Confusedaboutthis United States +, writes (13 August 2018):

Confusedaboutthis is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Yeah the nudes thing is a total turn off. At least asking again and again. I mean I've had every bf in the past ask too.... but we were actually in a relationship.

I have not sent him any and I wont. Not unless we actually got to know eachother in person. The internet is forever. And last time that's what I told him. He will go a day without texting me and then ask where i am and if I'm over it. This hot and cold bull crap is really exhausting. It sucks because He is attractive and if he actually wanted something I would be interested in him.... but you are right.... I think he's just keeping me around for one thing and I'm not that kind of person. So, sorry byyyyeeee!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 August 2018):

Honeypie agony auntHonestly?

Because he asked for nudes I would put him in the "lost causes pile" and wish him well and then just block, remove, delete and move on.

If you feel like you "owe" him a reason, then tell him that you felt him asking (not only once) for nudes that he doesn't respect you at all and that is NOT what you are looking for. And the fact that he is unsure - which is basically guy-speak for NO I won't date you but I'd fuck you...

I wouldn't touch this guy with a 100 foot pole, OP. You can do better.

The whole "but he said after sex he still really likes me which is huge" No it's not. Why WOULDN'T he still like you after sex? Unless the sex was horrible.

What he is saying is, he would LIKE to keep his option with you open so he HAS someone to have sex with when he visits YOUR state or your visit his. That is why he is dangling the "relationship" thing but not making any promises... It's ALL words OP, nicely put together words that he THINKS you want to hear...

Come on, OP Open your eyes.

He trolled through mutual "friends" on Facebook and found you who HAPPENS to live where his mom was moving. He then suggest something tame (like wanting to go hiking) but if that was his REAL intent why not look for a dude to go hiking with? Yeah?

He couldn't have foreseen that you were fun and easy to bring around his family, but I think he was mainly looking for sex and the asking for nudes kind of confirm that. I'm going to presume that he asked you for nudes because he think a girl who would sleep with him so quickly is going to be easy to use.

Are you really OK with a guy you BARELY know asking you for nudes and when you say no, he keeps asking?

No, means no, OP It's not CUTE when a guy try to pressure a girl into that. While you state you "playfully" turned down his request.. it's not really cute OR funny of him to ask.

Do you want to be his masturbation fodder?

Even if you get the job in your home state, do you REALLY only have ONE choice to date, aka him? No, you will have plenty of choices.

If I were you, or you were my daughter - I would say this. He blew it.

But this is your life...

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A female reader, Confusedaboutthis United States +, writes (13 August 2018):

Confusedaboutthis is verified as being by the original poster of the question

So I answered him before reading your guys replies.... he said he felt a really strong connection and wants to see me again and going out with me and his folks felt super natural. He said he doesn't know what that means but he said after sex he still really likes me which is huge and still feel a very rare connection....

Is this just all a load of crap? Or is he trying to say he may want a relationship.... but he's not sure? This whole thing yesterday stemmed from me getting a job offer back in my original state (the one he lives in) and in top of that it's less than an hour from him.

So what do you think, he actually has feelings and now with me moving back at some point he is expressing them or he just wants to lock in a F#*% buddy once I move back?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 August 2018):

Honeypie agony auntEh, just block, delete and move on. BLOCK him from accessing your Facebook, and BLOCK him from looking at your pictures etc.

And next time, save the sex for someone you WANT to be with who wants to be with you too.

I would also stick to guy who live close enough that you can spend time in person and not try and "date" you via text. It's really impossible to get to know someone over text and if you look back... you will know that it is true. He hid what a sleaze he really is pretty well, but the mask always slips. He was TROLLING for girls through Facebook, through YOUR mutual friends. THAT is creepy! While he hit bingo with you living near his mom and the convenience of chatting you up and hanging out and then having sex with you - but NOT REALLY letting you know he wasn't looking for anything serious. Basically he just used Facebook as Tindr.

This guy... is a creep.

Next time, TAKE your time getting to know a guy before jumping in with both feet. Save the sex until you are actually dating him. Even if you really want to have sex, wait. As it just confuses everything.

Chin up. Live and learn.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (13 August 2018):

N91 agony auntDefinitely shown his true colours here.

He was after sex and nothing more. As wiseowl said it’s time to throw him on the loser pile.

For future if you don’t want to be used for sex, make them work for it. Make them date you and find out what their intentions are. Easy sex usually allows guys to think they can get it whenever they feel like it.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (13 August 2018):

When guys get sex too soon; they get confused as to what they want, or what to expect.

You've gotten a whole new performance; seems totally different from before. He just gave you the "I'm a complete tool" act! So his previous performance in the first scene hits the cutting-room floor! He's now out of the picture!

Like I said, explore the possibilities; but wait until you know what his true motives and intentions are.

I think it's time to cut ties! Don't you?

He's already seen you naked; so, I guess he'll have to rely on memory!

"WTF" is my deal-breaker response! Nobody WTF's at me! Now you see his true colors!

Bye, Felicia!!! You can take your clown-show on the road!

BLOCK, DELETE, AND FORGET!

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A female reader, Confusedaboutthis United States +, writes (12 August 2018):

Confusedaboutthis is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Okay not sure this response will bump this to the top....

So we started chatting again like normal. Then he started asking for nudes. I told him the internet is forever and I don't feel comfortable with those. He said no worries.... but after a few days would ask again. I would playfully shut him down. Finally he started sending less and less texts. Which is fine because honestly texting to me can become exhausting. So I quit texting him as much, he seemed less interested in talking and I was fine with that. I figured he was loosing interest. He answered a text of mine late last night, I was already asleep so when I got it this morning I didn't reply. Wasn't really a need to in my mind. He just sent me a text saying "what's up.... you find someone else already?" Like WTF.... HE has been hot and cold so what the heck does he actually want....

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (7 August 2018):

Honeypie agony auntNO, don't tell him you feel confused or whatever you are feeling. Regardless of having chatted, met his family and had sex... HE still is a bit of a stranger to you.

RELAX, CHILL, get to know him. Just remember to NOT involve sex next time you meet up. If he invites you to his room for a movie or whatnot, just tell him, I really enjoy your company and I would like to get to know you better but I think keeping sex out of the picture for now.

BUT while the two of you are just chatting over text/calls? No, keep it light, keep it simple.

It doesn't seem like he wants FWB or LDR thing going. So keep it at just friends. IF you however, want a BF, then I think HE isn't the one for you as he lives out of state and it would be a LDR (which it seems he isn't looking for).

I would probably go a few months to see where this is going (if you really like him) - but I would keep it VERY much on a friendship level. One thing is him talking about moving there... but that could be months or years. So for now anything more than friend seems a little unrealistic.

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A female reader, Confusedaboutthis United States +, writes (7 August 2018):

Confusedaboutthis is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Wiseowle, hahaha yeah very good point... I wouldn't introduce a FWB to my mom either, in fact my family knows nothing about him... things are definitely cleared out some. Things are back to being light and fun like they were before. So for now all is good. Thank you all for your advice! I was creating issues all on my own.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (7 August 2018):

Most guys don't introduce his FWB to his mother and family!!! " Ma, this is my f**kbuddy, Rosie!" Uhm-NO!!!

I don't know your name, that was just fill-in-the-blank!

That would take tacky to a whole new level!!! He met this really cool lady; and he had to show mom and the rest, whom he was talking about. As you would treat a great new friend. You're a woman and he's a man, you're both young, and sex was unexpected. You felt at ease with him. I think the feeling is mutual. Just don't make much more of it; than you really have the evidence to support it. Proceed with caution.

A FWB is somewhat undercover, and the benefits are a well-kept secret. How did you bring-up that label, when you had sex a whopping total of "once?!!"

Don't talk about feelings or anything else at this point. Get to know who he is. Feelings shouldn't happen; until you know why, and who you have feelings for? Be objective until you KNOW his true motives. Don't try to guessing!

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A female reader, Confusedaboutthis United States +, writes (7 August 2018):

Confusedaboutthis is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Wiseowle, your completely right. It freaked me out and I shouldn't have been weird about it. It was my choice too. We talked some about the situation... and I apologized for being awkward. He again said that we get along great and he would like to continue this as long as we can... (which idk what that means? Not going to over think it) he said FWB doesn't work since we are so far away and he doesn't want to complicate things... (also not sure what that means... but again not going to over think it) sounds like when I travel there to visit family and he travels here to visit family then we are going to plan to go hiking together. I didn't bring up the "what are we, let's label it" question. And I don't need to. Your right.... if things are meant to grow into a relationship they will either way we can go explore some places and enjoy eachother company. I guess deep down I wish I knew if he had any feelings for me other than just sexual... but I guess him texting me, including me in his family stuff etc. Should answer that a little?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (6 August 2018):

This is where you explore the possibilities and see where they lead. Nothing happens you don't want to happen. What does this have do do with whether you wanted a relationship? He hardly knows you! I didn't read anywhere in the post where he said he did!

You're jumping to conclusions; because it is rare for some guys to make nice after sex, and CALL-BACK! Even more rare, is that he introduced you to his family; when he hardly knows you. So you got a peak at his origins and his family stock. He didn't entirely go out of his way particularly for you; it was for his mom, to make a new hiking-buddy, and a great hiking-trail. All the other benefits were icing on the cake! I must say, the icing sounds delicious!

I think you should explore this, and not put the cart before the horse. You presume he wants a girlfriend? He didn't initiate sex, you did! It was consensual. However, for the time being; he has made a friend, near his mom, who likes hiking. You're the one with a head full everything else!

Continue where you left-off, and don't diss people who haven't done anything to you. Ignoring his text message was immature, rude, and pointless. Yet, he didn't give-up!

If you want to know what a guy would think? I would think you were flaky! Why would you come-off so weird, when I was nice to you? He didn't pull any of the usual stunts most guys pull in similar situations! He was respectful, took you near his precious mother, he didn't judge you, tried to maintain follow-up contact; and he didn't discard you after use!

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A female reader, Confusedaboutthis United States +, writes (6 August 2018):

Confusedaboutthis is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Honeypie, do you think I should tell him how I am feeling about the situation.... not ask what we are or aren't but just simple say that I'm not experienced in these FWB type situations....

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (6 August 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with N91, HE seems more interested that you do. (If I just go by his/your actions).

If eh JUST saw you as a FWB type thing.. I don't think he would have invited you to join so many family things nor kept up with the texting.

BUT I wouldn't ask what the situation is, because I doubt HE knows any more than you do.

I think he is interested but in what? I can't tell you.

My advice keep it as a "friendship" and when he comes back to where you are NO SEX. Get to know him better and let him get to know you.

What the hurry to "make" this something?

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A female reader, Confusedaboutthis United States +, writes (6 August 2018):

Confusedaboutthis is verified as being by the original poster of the question

So should I tell him how I'm feeling?? That the situation was awkward for me and I do have some feelings for him but not sure where we are going from here? I just fear he will ghost me, that would hurt. I guess if he does he does and I have my answer??

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A female reader, Confusedaboutthis United States +, writes (6 August 2018):

Confusedaboutthis is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Honestly I don't know how it could progress if we live in different states? I just don't want to get my heart ripped out by this guy. I have feelings for him I can't help that, and don't want to get hurt.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (6 August 2018):

N91 agony auntYou’re wondering if you’ve been used yet ignore the guy when he’s trying to make conversation?

You couldn’t have responded to his message that he’s landed with anything? Surely you could of sent something along the lines of ‘Glad to hear’? Literally anything rather than ignoring the guy and then being confused when he messages again.

You’re being really contradictory here. You don’t know if you want a relationship? But you don’t want to be used for sex? You either want something serious, causal or neither. How can you question his intentions when you can’t even decide what you want? That makes no sense.

If I was in his shoes? I’d probably think the girl I had just slept with wanted a one night stand considering she ignored me. The guy couldn’t sound more interested, he has kept up the messaging and YOU’RE the one sending mixed signals. Decide what you want and then go from there, stop messing around.

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