A
female
age
51-59,
*img
writes:Is this an emotional affair? ? ?Last March- my husband of 27 years (M) was working at a customer's house (he's a contractor), and one day a woman (T) who lived across the street came over to bum a cigarette from one of M's workers. She apparently came over more than once, and they got to know her a bit. Come to find out, she was 4 months pregnant and being physically abused by her live in boyfriend. M told Ca (our live in daughter)and I about her and naturally we all felt bad for her. M has a big heart, and he wanted to help her somehow and asked if we would want to also. He said all she really needed was to feel accepted and be a friend. I was skeptical (as I always am), but offered for him to give her some baby clothes. As far as any other type of help, I had limited time with my full time job and watching my grand daughter 4 nights a week. Over the next few weeks, he would give us updates on her situation. He ended up helping T's father move her out of the apartment and into a woman's shelter. Told us that she was on drugs, suicidal, alcohol abuse and he and her boyfriend used to sell themselves in live sex for drug money. She was supposed to receive professional help in the shelter...more help than WE could have given her. SO...I was kind of relieved I didn't allow her to come over (being that our 4 year grand daughter also lives with us-and you really can't trust anyone). He told us she was getting her stuff stolen from the other women at the shelter, and that he felt SO sorry for her. We would naturally feel bad also. He also admitted that he drove her to her Dr. apt. once...didn't tell me at the time he did it though. Around May - June he didn't say much about her - we asked once in awhile and I asked just how often they talk (he said once in awhile and he'll only talk to her if he has time). He did tell us she moved in with her parents (June?). I noticed a charge on his May business bank statement for "Straight Time Air Talk". I didn't think much of it. Then it was there again in June. I called the bank, and the phone company and they couldn't tell me what it was unless I had the phone number. I confronted him, he said he had no idea...but he'd take care of it. It wasn't on the July statement. I asked him what it was - and he said must have been a mistake. I started getting suspicious now. He was getting very distant and would be in his truck and in his basement office texting/talking a lot. By the end of July (by someone's recommendation) I snooped in his phone while he was sleeping and sure enough, they were texting ALOT. The talk was inappropriate, calling each other hon, honey, babe, doll, sweetheart, love, etc. and how much they missed each other (the week we were camping), and they met up a lot (all behind my back). One text from her said "I enjoy your company too! and my heart aches for you". He said "let's make an appointment and keep it, I'm feeling quite the same". I was devastated and certain that this was a full blown affair. The feeling at that point was none that I have EVER experienced. I bawled and my daughter's asked what was wrong and I told them. They were shocked, but helped me try and find more evidence before I accused him of anything. I snooped in his texts whenever I could for the next 3 weeks and kept a close eye on the phone log (online). There were HUNDREDS of texts/calls from March - August. He would text her "good night honey", then come up and go to bed with me like nothing was up! It came out somehow that she was to have her baby August 17 and I waited for his excuse to go to the hospital. Sure enough, he texted me that he had a meeting after work and would be home around 8:30. He was a the hospital for 4 hours. 2 days later, when C asked him if T had her baby, he lied to C and I about it, saying that he DID go to the hospital AFTER his meeting to see her. I knew he didn't have a meeting. I texted him "you didn't have a meeting in L did you?". it took him hours but finally confronted me telling me he confessed he had no meeting..but told me how sorry he kept feeling for her and NO one but her dad was at the hospital. so he bought her flowers. and I should have seen how her face lit up! I asked him how often they saw each other and text (he lied). then a couple days later-during my questioning if their texts were inappropriate, I asked him if I could see their texts. He refused. he said if I don't trust him, then it's my loss. It came out that I saw what they wrote. and he didn't know what to say. We fought for 3 months, and lived separated in the same house. He kept denying there's ANYTHING going on, and that they are NOT attracted to each other in that way. He didn't understand what an Emotional Affair was. He also threw in my face a lot about me NOT wanting to get involved in the beginning! and thought I was COLD for that. In early September he did text and confess and apologize for having an emotional affair...but then took it BACK after a week and reclaimed his innocence. We were getting no where and text fighting like teens. The verbal abuse I got was unbelievable too. (he verbally abused me A LOT the 1st 12 years of our marriage)...until he hit his knees. So, he knows God, and he is saved, but he isn't showing his Christian like behavior. Anytime he didn't know how to respond, he would say something vulgar and sexual (he was getting sexually frustrated I'm SURE by now.). It was a HELLISH time.We both lost 20 lbs, and I started counselling in September and got him to go on my 4th visit. S, a wonderful older Christian woman told him how inappropriate it is and that he has to cut T out of his life completely. Yes, it was nice he helped her, but it's over now...because of what it turned into. M struggled with this fact, because he still felt innocent because they were NOT physically engaged. (except for a back rub he admitted to-only because I saw it on a text). kept saying how he can be trusted!!! M DID end up texting T a "goodbye" text - (but it was FULL of emotion and I'm so sorry, blah blah). But at our second counselling session together, he walked out when S asked him if he cut it off with T and if he apologized to ME. He thought we were against him, and he still though he did NOT owe me an apology. S refused to counsel us together anymore..she said he needed A LOT of help first. I thought it was over, but caught him in yet another lie when he said he had to go look at a job for some guy named J. (J is T's dad and she lived there!). So, he saw T when he went to look at the job, and I eventually told him I knew, and told him he can NOT go do that job. He didn't like that, but I guess he told J he couldn't do it, it would not be a good idea since his WIFE thinks he's having an affair with his daughter! J obviously didn't know the details. Finally, by end of October we started getting along better. He agreed to let me know if she contacts him. He said how much he loves me and sorry that I'm hurt and sorry for the hurtful words (but no sorry for HOW he's hurt me). He let me know she had called 3 times by Mid November and left messages. She was masking her phone number so I wouldn't recognize it on the phone log. (he told me). I finally texted her and said "stop calling my husband. he tells me when you do and enough is enough". she quickly used a friends phone to contact him (he lied to me about that). So--I went to N to my daughter's house for Thanksgiving (he stayed home to hunt and work). Since I still had trust issues, I hid a voice recorder in the house. As far as I know he didn't contact her and had no one over. I thought this was it! We're on the mend. and he was desperately trying to cut back on drinking (he is a functional alcoholic) and he was doing a great job. He also LOVED having the house to himself - as it gets a bit stressful living with our daughter and granddaughter. I returned home from T after a week, and he were getting along good...(as long as the subject didn't come up). I stopped asking him questions. But it came out one night and he got defensive again, and even said he'd help her again in a heartbeat! For SOME reason I got suspicious again and checked the phone log. sure enough, on Dec. 14th, he made 3 calls to a particular company. He had secretly purchased a separate phone to stay in contact with her. I was devastated once again. I did not confront him yet though...it's been almost a month. instead, I'm stooping to his level and sneaking in his truck looking at their messages. I can't tell if the relationship turned physical, but M sometimes texts her some very inappropriate sexual innuendos. I know that he's seen her a couple times and that he gave her a card with a $100 and maybe other Xmas gifts. I didn't dare say anything before Xmas for fear of ruining it for everyone. I have no idea what to do - I can't physically stand to fight anymore... and for some reason I feel he will have an excuse for this!! (he hated being under the radar, with me monitoring the phone log).?? He tells me how much he loves me, and I KNOW he does, but he's got to end this relationship with her or there is NO hope for us. maybe she's brainwashing him ??I don't even know if I want to fight for him anymore after knowing about THIS.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2017): I find it hard to know where to start. I replied before saying if it was me I would have to leave. I've just re read your original post and it seems to me that he doesn't have to watch his own back while he does all this to you, because you watch it for him!He has done SO many hurtful things to you and you sound as if you are making excuses for him and not seeing this for what it is.He is basically spending what little spare time you say he has, on helping some other woman with her problems. You are hurting and suspicious and he realises that and promises to stop. That seems to me how you are seeing it. That she is so needy it turned into an emotional affair before your husband realised it.I want to say this in the nicest way possible, but I also want you to see something that I feel anyone who reads your post would see. Your husband is VERY emotionally invested in another woman who is not his wife. His wife is hurting because of that and he does not care. He would rather carry on being in contact with her than make you happy. He resorts to lying to you and going to some lengths to be able to do keep contact.He stated that he didn't know what an emotional affair was. Then he said he did and then a week later he changed his mind and reverted to not knowing again.He verbally abused you and you described the level of verbal abuse that you received as 'unbelievable'. He accused you of being cold because you didn't want your husband prioritising another woman over you. It may have been described as 'helping' her, but he is still prioritising her over you. No man is interested in helping a woman to this extent that he has no interest in. If he found her unattractive, he would not care. Fact. He is not doing this because he is big hearted. He is doing this because it gives him a reason that he can hide behind to carry on contact with her. The counsellor said that he needed more help than she could provide because of his mind set at the moment. He walked out of a session because the counsellor was saying things he did not want to hear. That he should apologise to you and he thinks no apology necessary because there is nothing physical. He is hurting you SO much and he doesn't care and won't apologise.I bet if you were 'helping' another man and calling him sweetheart and vice versa and you were in secret contact with him and using joint finances to buy another phone so you could contact him, your husband would be expecting a hell of a lot more than an apology. Or do you think he'd be fine with it and swallow the fact that this man friend of yours is so needy that it developed into an emotional affair without you realising it? And he'd be fine that you refuse to apologise because you haven't had sex? I say I don't know where to start because I don't know how to say the right thing to get you to open your eyes and wake up.He admitted to a back rub but only because you saw evidence of it. Where were they when they were rubbing each other's backs? Were they naked? Imagine the phone calls that were made to organise this meeting, the texts. These phone calls and texts were made while you were concentrating on the life that you and your husband have together and he was concentrating on meeting her. Why was he meeting her and touching her? Because she's so needy and he has such a big heart?? I have been in abusive relationships. Three to be precise. And I can hear and recognise in your defence of him, the very good job that he has done on you. Psychologically I mean.I have been where you are. Defending my man to the hilt, getting angry with people when they were trying to point out to me what they could see clearly and I couldn't. 'They don't understand him! He's a good guy! Yes he's a bit volatile and can be scary at times, but he'd never do anything to hurt me because basically he's the best man in the world! He has a big heart, so generous, he loves me like no one else does' etc etc etc. As I said I have no idea how to get you to see what everyone else here can see so clearly. I feel for you, very much. He is hurting you beyond belief with this affair and yet although you are hurting so badly and have been to counselling and here asking for help, your first words are about how great he is and none of this is his fault. I wish I could make the scales fall from your eyes. You don't think they have had time to be physical, yet they have been somewhere together where they could rub each other's backs? You think they didn't kiss, touch, probably have sex?? It has only happened once? I don't want to hurt you more. I want you to wake up!The only thing I can suggest to you to get you to see what your husband is REALLY like and what he's REALLY doing is what I suggest to everyone who I believe is a victim of abuse. That is to read books about abuse. This may make you realise what has been happening to you your whole married life. I know that you know you have been/are being abused because you've said so, but he has got his hooks in your mind and your heart so well that you excuse him, deny what he's doing and refuse to admit to yourself what kind of a man he really is.Abusive men can be great, really loving, generous etc. That's how they get us. And when we're hooked on them it's like a drug that we don't want to come off. So we don't see what is staring us right in the face. 'That he's great and nothing's his fault, he's just misunderstood. You don't know him like I know him.' But I'm afraid we do. It's you that he's got hoodwinked. I read a lot of books about abuse when I finally realised what was happening to me. The best one I ever read and I would love you to read is 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. Brilliantly and sympathetically written, it is an eye opener. I sincerely hope you give it a try, because I believe that this author can help you more than I can. My love and support to you. All the very best x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2017): To be quite honest with you, I am not sure WHY you would even want him back?Too many women pardon a straying husband's behaviour with a slap on the hand when they take them back! When they should just kick his ass out the door. He has shown what he is capable of. There is no excuse or justification for destroying your wife! He is the man who vowed to love you and cherish you forever. He made a commitment to you and to your family. Is this how he shows his undying love to you? What kind of a man is this? You are taking the garbage back in when it should have been tossed to the curb long ago. Sorry, but I need to be harsh here. You are only prolonging your own pain. You are deluding yourself into believing your marriage is salvageable; that he capable of being fixed. All because you love him. I get it. But sometimes love means letting go. And sometimes you need to LOVE yourself more. LOVE your family more. You all deserve better. You are afraid of being alone. Well, being alone and working on your own self esteem and getting your own happiness back, is paramount. And you need to do it without him. He is an anchor weighing you down. He is abusive, selfish and mean. He has had many years of experience. And he is incapable of changing. Cheaters never change. They are just lurking around til the next opportunity. And they only get better at in time. They rely on good hearted, trusting women like you to pull their scam. Women who take them back time and again and enable to continue their bad behaviour. You will let him get away with the way he decides to treat you by taking him back. Why are you pulling the wool over your own eyes? You are doing yourself a great injustice.He is going to do it to you AGAIN!One strike and you are out! Once is enough.He has some very deep, serious issues and you can go to counselling with him and he can go himself until the cows come home. Do you really think he will change? Do you want to live your life on egg shells around him? Trying to be the perfect wife? Worrying that the minute you drop the ball or you have an argument or a rough patch - yes, all of this will happen again no matter how healthy a marriage is - that he will stray? He has already strayed. And he is emotionally involved with this girl. There are three in your marriage and it is crowded. You will never know if he has cut ties or not. He will say he has. And how draining and soul defeating it must be to play detective every second of every day with this man. I would be tired of it. It is a miserable way to live. And no amount of counselling will ever salvage your trust in this man. Your relationship is beyond repair thanks to his betrayal. You can think you trust him again but I have been there. You never will. It will come to a point where you just can't take it anymore. Why let the lack of trust work as a slow poison and wait years before you finally succumb? Why not just pull off the band aid NOW. Trust me, sweetie, it will save you a world and years of hurt.Let him go.
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A
female
reader, Kimg +, writes (26 January 2017):
Kimg is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your comments. I'm no idiot- I guess I KNOW this is and emotional affair. I guess I'm just in denial sometimes. Don't get me wrong – my husband is a very very hard worker and has worked his butt off for years now to support us all – including my daughter and granddaughter now somewhat. He's the owner of his own construction company. So he is always working – which leaves little time for us and hardly any time for HER- I don't believe they see each other often. She has a baby and lives with her parents.. About 45 minutes from here . So I truly believe it is just a phone relationship other than a visit here or there. And I did plant a voice recorder in his truck – all the conversations are about her and the babies father, court, etc. my husband basically just listening to her problems. STILL WRONG I KNOW. And I'm 99% sure there is no sexual relations going on. I believe that in the midst of helping her – his guard was down and she was so needy that it turned into an emotional affair without him even realizing it..and now I just believe the relationship is thriving on secrecy. And secrecy is exciting no matter how you put it. And in the midst of his midlife crisis, he needs the excitement I guess. I do plan on giving him two choices – either move out, or prove to me that he ends it completely and works on rebuilding trust with me and going to a counselor. There will be NO 3rd chance. Comments now?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2017): It's me again who gave you love and hugs earlier. I wanted to add that he is not a person of big heart. If he was, he wouldn't have abused you. Also he should have had the big heart towards you, his daughters and Grandchildren. He's one of those who puts on a show of being generous and empathetic so that he can involve with the particular person or impress people with his generosity. Im sure he has always tried to look like a 'good man' in front of people while you are left mumbling under your breath about how mean he is at home. He uses his 'big heart' as a mask to impress people on a general level and now to have an affair. He is a gas lighter with you, telling you what a cold person you are for not being big hearted like him. After everything that he's done he wants to make you feel guilty instead, which he's most probably done with other things in your marriage as well. Does he also blame his consumption of alcohol on you? Him not having a job? One another thing is, I highly doubt he did not cheat when you left him at home for thanksgiving. A voice recorder only records what's being spoken in the house. But what about the times he may have been outside, or texted on the phone, or spoken on his phone outside the house? I myself was cheated on in my relationship and had to do all sort of snooping around and spying. so I know how it feels...you're heart is being eaten out everyday. Every revelation is so shocking and hurting. I would shake and shiver in shock. But today I am so relieved and happy without that jerk in my life. The thing is, I'm so much younger to you and wasn't even married nor had kids. But there you are..looking after your grandchildren and to go through this when you're supposed to be feeling content with the cycle of marital bliss. I feel so bad and so sorry for you. I pray for you to have the strength to deal with this and get through this horrific phase. I'm very certain that you will also feel relieved and happy like me one day.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2017): It definitely is an emotional affair at the very LEAST. As one poster had written in another question, this looks like he's giving you trickle truth mixed with a load of lies.
Keep the receipts of EVERYTHING (texts, emails, phone bills etc) and contact a lawyer. Your husband should be made to feel the burn.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (25 January 2017):
 I really don't think he's going to change, he's had multiple chances and lied to you about it time and time again.
I think you've done well to put up for it as long as you have done. It may be time to start looking at separating.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2017): He is a lying, cheating, alcoholic who was verbally abusive towards you in the first twelve years of your marriage.She has just got out of an abusive relationship herself and that points to the fact that she may well be serially attracted to abusive men and she attracts them as well.It sounds as if they are cat nip to each other and nothing you can say or do is going to change this.He lied and told you he didn't know what an emotional affair is. Oh yes he does. He lied and told you that he would let you know when she gets in touch. No he didn't and used joint finances to buy a phone so you wouldn't know. If it was me I could not carry on any kind of relationship with someone who wanted to be with someone else. Whose heart and mind was fixated on someone other than me, it would hurt too much. If this isn't a full blown affair, it soon will be and it most definitely is an emotional one at the moment. I can imagine how it would make you feel better, to be able to think that it's not his fault and that she is brainwashing him, but I think you must realise that this is very unlikely to be the case. He was obviously attracted from the beginning and doesn't look as if he is going to be changing his mind about her soon.As I said, if it was me, I wouldn't be able to bear it and I would file for divorce. You have all the proof you need of this liaison between them. An affair can be just emotional as you and your husband both know and just as devastating as a full blown physical affair. To build trust again, he needs to be wanting to build this marriage again with just you and him in it, but at the moment there are three of you in it and that isn't changing.I would get out and leave them to it. Easier said than done I know, but what's the alternative? He's not going to stop contacting her and giving his attention and time and possibly love to her is he? So if you stay, how will you feel? Continue to feel for years? Because she ain't going anywhere.Take the power back in your life and live it without him. You'll be a lot happier after a while. That I think can be almost guaranteed. Good luck and so sorry for your hurt x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2017): Hey there, My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry you have to go through this at this stage, after being a good wife, mother and grand mother. It sounds like your entire family's well being rested on your love and care all these years. You created your dream family life by yourself, with no real support (financial, emotional etc.) from your husband, abiding by all your duties and being the best version of you. Unfortunately marriage is an institution- not deserved by everyone. I'm talking in the language of universal truth, you may interpret this the christian way and still see what I'm trying to say. 'M', your husband does not truly deserve the sort of family and love you brought into his life. It breaks my heart to tell this to a woman like you, who deserved a man having equal/similar norms and values as yourself. Now he's also a part of the family you preserved and nurtured. so I am trying to be as respectful as possible. He is not correctable or mendable, your relationship can still be saved or mended but HE cannot be. It seems to me like he is a selfish man who is crying foul because you aren't allowing him to be selfish at peace. He had always been abusive towards you. Now, when it's time to reap with you what you alone sowed, he's going around having an affair! How do you know the whole drug, bf thing is not a made up story? what if the baby is his? so many lies and secrecy.. I suspect there's more to it than you have been able to dig out. There's always more to it than a spouse manages to snoop around and collect. It's only the tip of the ice berg. Do things stop with a back rub? I honestly feel (though I respect you for trying your best to make it work) that you should have split with him the first time he was abusive. 15 yrs of abuse? And no body helped you break from the shackles? However, that is in the past now. It is up to you if you want to live with pride and dignity leaving him to his own sinful, valueless life. (and find a better half to life the better half of your life time with) or if you want to balance yourself on this one sided marriage that's already toppling over.Please make a decision that will move you forward in life. A heartbreak will take time to heal. A heartbreak while still remaining in it, will never heal. The wound may get even worse, with occasional taunts, new and improved forms of lying. As I said, you can mend the relationship, but not HIM.Love, prayers and a warm hug.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2017): First of all, I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
You and your family should be his top priority, he knows what this is doing to your marriage and tells you he'd help her again in a heartbeat.
It is one thing to help someone who is in a bad situation, but this is beyond just help. Given her history, I'd be concerned more than a back-rub happened, you obviously can't trust what he tells you.
Protect yourself, you don't need someone who you can't trust in your life. Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 January 2017):
 Yes, it IS an emotional affair. He is emotionally invested in her, like someone would be when they are dating someone - sex or no sex.
The fact that he CHOSE to get a second phone means (to me at least) that he HAD and HAS no intention of honoring YOUR wishes and his marriage vows - and EVERYTHING he said with regards to "how sorry that I'm hurt and sorry for the hurtful words " was just SAID to placate you. To make you think that he was sorry and would stop for the sake of the marriage and you.
HIS actions on the other hand show JUST how little he respects the marriage and your feelings.
I think before you do ANYTHING you need to figure out what you want.
And you NEED to accept that you CAN NOT fix the marriage by monitoring him. You can not "make" a GROWN MAN behave, one way or another. YOU can not "make" him be respectful toward you or the marriage. THAT has to be HIS choices.
And it looks like he has chosen to keep in contact with her over you and your marriage.
So you have a couple of choices.
1. You stay, confront him and work on rebuilding the trust.
2. you get your ducks in a row (legally and financially) and kick him out. Get a LEGAL trial separation going. Set RULES for the separation IF he doesn't WANT to divorce and IF you want to maybe work on the marriage.
3. You get your ducks in a row (same as above) and file for divorce.
I would actually ALSO suggest you get PAPER copies of all these texts. So he CAN NOT refute them.
And I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2017): Oh my goodness, I am SO SORRY for your troubles. I am going to be honest, this is not a good situation at all. I understand, his heart strings were pulled, and sometimes feelings develop for someone when we really pity and empathize with them. But at this point to me, it looks like even more than an emotional affair. Calling someone "hun, baby and love" are terms people use only when they are sleeping with each other. You odn't call a friend "baby" or "love". Are you sure they didn't sleep together? I would think they were sleeping together the whole time, and maybe still are. The fact that after all this, and after literally putting your marriage in jeopardy he STILL cannot cut contact with this woman raises huge red flags for me. I would seriously be wondering if it is worth it to stay with him at this point. However, you probably fear that if you do a trial separation he will immediately resort to sleeping with her (or sleeping with her more), so you don't want to just give him his excuse to have the affair and then come back to you later. Bring him back in to counselling. Get another counselor if he didn't like the first one. Maybe he'll start to see that very few people see it from his perspective. He HAS to get this under control or your marriage is done.
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