A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:After being a single parent for many years, I have recently met someone who I feel very attracted to and he feels the same about me. We have been talking for about 2 weeks and just yesterday we had our first date. It was really nice and I did enjoy being in his company and feel that I’d like to see more of him. He feels the same too. My only problem is the age difference between us. I am 47 and he is 30, a difference of 17 (seventeen) years and for me that is a really big issue. He says it doesn’t matter (age is nothing but a number) but i’m not sure whether he is just saying that now as we have only just started seeing each other and have not yet been seriously involved. I have told him of my concerns that it is a big issue for me as he is only 6 years older than my eldest son and I am nearer to his mother’s age than his. I have always said that I don’t think I could ever go out with a younger man as I don’t believe the relationship would last and in this case, there is such a big age difference between us. I am at the age now where I am looking for my life long partner who I hope would be somebody to settle down with and spend the rest of our lives together. I am not looking to have a quick fling and move on. He is still quite young and full of life. I have two children already and told him that I do not want anymore. He says it’s ok but I know that he would like to have more children as he only has one right now and he had her at a very young age. He doesn't seem bothered about my age and says it’s up to me but he would like to go out with me. He is very attractive and seems to know a lot of females and I have asked him why he doesn’t want somebody closer to his own age but he says that he prefers older women as he had been hurt by younger women in the past. That may be so for now but in about 10 years time when I’m closer to 60 is he still going to have that same view!I also felt a bit embarrassed whilst out with him yesterday as he did introduce me to a few of his friends and I felt that they were looking at me and passing judgment. He didn’t seem bothered but I was. I must say I do look a lot younger than my age and he thought I was about 36 but the fact is I am 47. I keep worrying about what will happen in the future if I was to pursue this relationship, i.e what would our respective families have to say, etc. Another question I ask myself is, is it because I have just migrated from the UK to a poorer country in the Caribbean where perhaps he could be looking for a meal ticket? I really do feel myself falling for this man and have very strong feelings for him but I really don’t want to get involved in a relationship where I’ll be let down and hurt and on my own again.I must add that I have also met another man closer to my age but there really isn’t any spark there with him. He seems nice and we have talked at length. He likes me but I like him more as a friend whereas with the younger man I could see him as a potential lover, companion, friend but for how long! I must also say that I am really not desperate and have had a few male interests in the past and recently but I did not want to pursue anything as I felt nothing for them and did not want to waste my time so I have been holding out for someone who I really like and have a feeling for, which is now. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010):
All you can do is decide whether this man is worth the chance. The above post is right- relationships work and don't work for many reasons, and you can't second guess them. You've been honest with him and thats all you can do, take it slowly and see where it goes.
As for using you as a meal ticket; is he working and just earning less than you, or unemployed? If you are really concerned about it maybe try and stick to cheaper, more relaxed dates (romantic dinner at home etc.) If he suggests heading out to places/ restaurants you know he can't afford, perhaps you have reason to be suspicious. By staying within his expense limitations you will have no reason not to expect him to pay at least half. Be weary; Sometimes money concerns come up because one partner assumes they will have to pay for everything because they earn more- not because the other person expects it.
I am younger than my partner (8 years), i know its not the same as 17, but I look alot younger than my age, (we had a big party with family and friends, and one of his mates i'd yet to meet thought i was his 16 year old cousin....) and i know exactly how the "friend-judgemental- eye-scan feels!! Just ignore it. All friends judge the new girlfriend on something, for us its age. Never settle for someone because you think others will judge you. Never let you rob yourself of anything. Go with your instincts.
All the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): I have to admit that I think this guy might be thinking of using you financially or for papers. But if he is genuine, will his enthusiasm be the same 5 years or 10 years from now? If you are looking for a life partner, a younger guy is very high maintenance. My boyfriend broke up with his much older 70 year old girlfriend last year. His reason was that he was not attracted to her anymore. I feel that is a shallow reason but that's his reason, and he walked out after 20 years together since he was about 30 and she was 50. I feel bad for her although they broke up before I met him. If you are going to see this guy, just enjoy his young ass for a short fling then walk away. You will get over him after a few months. I'm sure there are others who have had successful relationships like this but they are few. It normally works better the other way if he was older. As for shame and embarassment when with him in public, I would understand your embarassment if he was 21. But at 30 he is a full adult and you shouldnt care what anybody thinks. Dont live your life to please other people.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): First of, you worry a lot more than any men dating 25 years younger women do. I think this is the first post I read from an older person having second thoughts about their younger partner/potential partner. Usually the post come from 20-some year old women who date 50 year old men. For most part these women are encouraged to have the relationship as long as they know what they are getting themselves into. So why not give you the same advice? Great thing that you clarified with this man already that you do not wish more children. And at your age, I understand you well, there are many risks with getting a child at your age, as well as the fact that you already have children and aren't eager be a baby mom again. As long as your potential boyfriend goes, it is up to him to decide if this is ok with him or not. You say he said it was fine, but that you know he will want more children? How do you know?
Also, have you talked to him about what you want in a relationship, that you are not just looking for a fling, but something serious? Could be he is too. I think, as long as he understands the reality of what is means to date someone 17 year older, then it is fine. You dont want to be heartbroken, but there is no guarantee that this older man you know wont break your heart either. There's no guarantees in love, just trust and hope. You have just as good a chance to be happy with this man, as you have to be happy with a man closer to your age.
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