A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hey this is a long one but i really need opinions here so please read through :)about 4 months ago months ago, one of my housemates and i started hooking up (gonna call him Tim). hes 27 and im 21. at first it was just fun making out and stuff but it was kinda on the down low cos we shared the house with 3 others. when we had to move out, tim and i moved to an apartment with just us (seperate bedrooms though).Tim's one of those guys whos always been good with talking to girls, and is known to be by his friends.since then we've continued to hook up but it seems to have changed its less of a friends with benefits situation and more like we're dating. we do heaps together! we sleep in the same bed together almost every night, hang out together, play sport, go to movies, go for walks, when we're watchin tv or chilling at home we're usually very cuddly and stuff. we're both students and dont have a lot of money so we share the money we have. one week we use his one week we use mine etc.... but we arent oficially dating...i keep thinking the old 'he's just not that into you' line but its not just me thats initiating things to do together either, he asks me to come watch him play sport, and just the other week he booked a weekend away for us (which was one of the best weekends ever!)i've tried talking to him about it but somehow we never end up coming to a conclusion, he says its complicated to figure it out.when we started it was a sorta open relationship, and if either of us met anyone else that was fine. but with the way things are it doesnt seem to me thats where we still are. i know he's had some bad experiences in his past relationships, and he says he cares to much about me to let that happen again.i'm so confused about this and before i speak to him again would like some advice or help from anyone.does it seems like we are dating? or still friends with benefits?ps. sorry this is so long
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your thoughts and advice! it's great to see from an outsiders perspective.
Irish49 - you mentioned that "When a man is ready to commit to you as a boyfriend—you will know it because he will simply start acting in that role." i think this is really the main reason i'm confused - cos this is exactly how he acts!! i pick him up from work he'll ask all about my day and tell me all about his...he's always supported me emotionally and i do the same for him. What you have said is still helpful
i'll keep you all updated on how it goes - thanks!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): He said "he's had some bad experiences in his past relationships, and he says he cares too much about me to let that happen again". I don't understand that rationale. Is he basically saying, he likes you too much to 'date' you , commit yo you, because of HIS past bad experiences but yet, he can still boink you, whenever he likes, so he gets HIS fun? That's the way I am seeing it here. Where do YOU and your needs come into play here?
Listen.. when a guy wants a woman, he's really not that complicated. When a man is ready to commit to you as a boyfriend—you will know it because he will simply start acting in that role. He will talk about your future together and he will make plans accordingly. He will not only want to see you daily, but he'll want to tell you the details of his day, and he'll this want and strong desire to hear about your day..he'll really want to know. A man that wants to be in a committed relationship acts like he wants to be in one in the emotional, giving sense.
I think we all long for that wonderful intimacy and bond we all share with a potential love partner. Intimacy strengthens how you value yourself. It reassures us that we matter, and enables us to face the world with confidence. It's only human to want that and many of us find it. So yes, definitely if you want all that love and cherishment...take the big risk and go for it. Talk to this guy. Ask for commitment. If he goes for it..then great! If he doesn't, at leat you will know what life path you want to take and it may no longer being a "sex buddy" to a guy who doesn't seem to value you, in the way you should be valued. So if he doesn't respond to your talk then there's only one other answer: Start dating other men! Move on and get going, girl..have some fun! If this FWB guy isn't giving you any promises of committment..then take care of yourself and get out and live your life. You'll be doing this because you deserve a man who is willing to put it all on the line for you. Date others because out there in the big world, there is someone who knows how great you are without your having to tell them.
Good Luck and be strong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): I don't see why that's not a good idea. The only way you're going to get the information you want, is by communicating and having an open conversation about it. If he can't seem to do that, then it wouldn't hurt to deprive him of you a bit until he is ready to tell you what his intentions are. I think this is unfair to you, to be wondering and he won't give you a straight answer.
~Sy.
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male
reader, The old Man?  +, writes (6 August 2009):
 I'm kind of seeing this from a different perspective. Though I wish it were I who had this fantastic luck, it was two of my friends.
They started palling around as "just friends". For 6 or 8 months, they hung out and did all sorts of stuff together. They never called themselves a couple. It looked just like two people who just hung out. Next thing ya know, they had fallen in love! They're getting married soon!
Being that he's had some bad luck with relationships, he's reluctant. It sounds as though you two have alot of fun together, he doesn't seem to be out chasing other girls. So why does it have to have a label?
Enjoy your time together, don't push for anything heavy in the emotional department. Being that commitment and hurt go hand in hand, lose the word commitment. If the two of you get along, care for each other, have great sex, it's unlikely that either of you will be out looking for anyone else.
Remember, the best foundation for a relationship is friendship and trust.
Take it slow and don't put forth any expectations. It's easier to give naturally that when it's expected of you.
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female
reader, masquerade711  +, writes (6 August 2009):
 Your situation has all the aspects of a relationship, minus the commitment. This entire thing is great and convenient for him, because any time he wants he can kick you to the curb without any explanation, claiming he has no ties to you because you guys were never dating.
Obviously, that's a worst-case scenario. Which is why you definitely need to have a chat with him. You guys are practically a couple. May as well call it what it is.
masq
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): You're doing everything that people do when they are "dating." From what you described you guys are treating each other like you're in a relationship so what's so complicated? Everyone's been hurt in the past, but if he wants to be with you badly enough, he would figure things out and find a way to do so. It doesn't seem like he wants to commit. Next time you talk to him, ask him what the complications are. I don't know if you've heard of Greg Behrendt, he said that if a guy wants to be with you, he will always find a way and Greg is absolutely right. I've experienced it. If this guy does not want to commit to you and you want commitment then this isn't the guy to be with, you will only get hurt. That's a guarantee.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeah i know what you mean, but as we live together it complicates things a bit, i dont know what would happen if we stopped all this. i'm thinkin of asking him what he thinks is the difference between us and people who are dating...not sure if thats a good idea though - thoughts?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): It sounds like friends with lots and lots of benefits if he doesn't want to be "dating" you.
If you were dating" than it would sound like a typical nonexclusive relationship.
But either way, it sounds like a good way to get hurt in the end. If you think you have feelings for someone who refuses to committ, then you may want to escape before those feelings escalate to highly.
~Sy.
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