A
female
age
30-35,
*anie87
writes:I recently found out about one of my boyfriend's cyber sex partners while we were vacationing together. I was using his computer to email my family when a woman named Rachael popped up on his skype to talk to him. I told she was asking for him and he went silent. Curiosity getting the better of me, I scanned farther back in his conversations and noticed his MORE than affectionate cat-calls to her and even a secret email account. They'd met on chat roulette and he'd gone as far as to give her as much information about himself as he could.I was devastated. I've been with him for 5 years and we've been really happy together. Our biggest problem is that we have been long distance for two of them since he moved away. After discovering she was the MAIN one, but not the only one, I asked him to be honest with me (which took a very long time and lots of explaining).He said he wanted to seduce her but he didn't know why. This all happened while I was still living in the united states and far away from him. He told me that he did it mostly because we were having relationship troubles and he was exhausted with me by the end of the day and needed release.I wish he'd talked that out with me or found another outlet, because this feels betraying and very shady. I feel creeped out and disgusted when I look at him...but this person I described for you is the opposite of who he is in reality. He's kind, loving, giving and smart... It's difficult to have dual feelings for the same person :(He begged me to stay, and to work things out. Even though I am unsure if I can, or that I was just falling for some lines...I stayed. I love him and even though this happened, I'm not willing to dump a 5 year long commitment since I believe that being forgiving is part of what makes worthwhile (at least to me) relationships work.I can tell he's trying, but I'm not sure I can just move past it. Every now and then, as hard as I try, I find myself laying awake at night feeling rejected or not wanting to participate in sex because...let's be honest. I'm still feeling neglected and I'm not sure who he's thinking about when we have sex - is it me, or is it them?He was giving time to these women when he could have found all the attention he could want with me. The trust is building back slowly, but I'm afraid my willingness to work this out will only lead him to do it again when I have to go home.We've tried talking it out and he's been wonderful and trying his best... I just never feel completely satisfied with his answers, and now at the end of the day, I don't feel completely happy. Nobody is perfect, so how do I go about being myself in our relationship, if I'm not sure who he is? Or how to much more we can talk about this before I see some improvement?I want to work this out, I'm just young, inexperienced, and am afraid this will happen to me again. I'm too hurt and shocked to tell a friend or family member to help me out.
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cybersex, infidelity, long distance Reply to this Question
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male
reader, GhostChild  +, writes (1 February 2011):
 It won't be easy, it'll be hard, you will have paranoid thoughts and you will worry. But if you both work through it together and he's willing to sort things out by talking and working through it as a couple, rather than talking to girls online, then you can get through it.
Right now you'll be having a hard time to fully trust him, but if you really want to be with him, give him some faith and trust but also make sure he knows how much this hurts you. He has to understand that if this keeps happening, that it's over. If he wants to be with you, then that will kick him into gear and that will get him to work it out.
Best of luck to you!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): The internet brings many possibilities and a lot of bad stuff. Promoted as harmless these kinds of activities rob people by tempting them away from relationships that are fulfilling. At least we could see dirty mags years ago and have an argument if it mattered to us.
I knew a nice man once but I found out he paid prostitutes when he was on business trips. He gave to charity and helped me with my career, he was caring. But he had a fault that made being with him impossible. He could compartmentalise and justify to himself using the supply and demand, nobody will know argument.
Although you love him, he has the potential to make you very unhappy and it is absolutely his responsibility to do everything it takes.
This will take time, it may be a lesson to him but if he can't see the damage and be properly worried he is not the man for you. He goes to easily into another room where you can't see him. People who conceal too much are by definition not trustworthy.
He may have the impression that he has got away with it because you don't seem to have laid down a boundary by expressing an absolute need. You can say that if you ever discover anything like this agani you will leave him. Be sure you mean it or it is worth nothing. If it were me I would be asking him how he intends to make this right. because it is hard to see how he can without effort over time.
Have a look at Webwatcher and see what you think. You could follow his internet activities frm your own PC wherever he is without him having a clue. But not trusting that much is not good. But I would want to know and if you do and are strong enough to deal with it so can you.
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