A
female
age
51-59,
*tephanie1901
writes:I've been dating someone for 3 months who has started to get clingy and needy. He's a very nice man and has many wonderful qualities but he is way more into this relationship then me. I'll give some examples of his needy behavior: He texts and calls too often. If I don't answer right back he asks if something is wrong or if he did something to offend me (sometimes I'm just busy at work and can't answer). If too many days have passed since we've seen each other he gets whiney and tells me how much he misses me to the point I feel guilty and break plans with friends so I can spend time with him. He insists on fixing things on my house when I can do it myself or hire a contractor but he gets so pushy sometimes that it's easier just to let him do it. I feel less physical attraction towards him recently and am unsure I want to continue seeing him. I don't want to string him along and I don't want to hurt him. I don't know if it's his behavior I find suffocating or if he is just not the right man for me.Last week I told him that I needed a break because I was feeling overwhelmed and wanted some time to myself to sort this out. He got very upset and said I was abandoning him, cruel to do this when he had just lost his job and the timing was off near his birthday and the holidays. He did lose his job but it's not as though he's destitute. He's getting unemployment, has money in the bank and has job prospects.So he talked me out of it but my feelings haven't changed other then I am now more confused and starting to feel resentful he made me feel guilty. I have been able to avoid seeing him since our conversation because my job has been busy and I have family visiting this week.His birthday is this weekend and we'd made dinner plans prior to me asking for a break so I feel obligated to see him. But he's made comments all week asking where else I will take him (at first I suggested just dinner because I am also buying him a gift but he said he wants to spend more time out together so I agreed we could go to a movie or some other activity). Also asking what time can we go out, what time can I stay out until.I wouldn't want someone who I cared about to break up with me around the holidays so what am I supposed to do just wait until January? It seems mean to drag it out too.I just want to do the right thing and hurt him as little as possible.Is there ever a good time to break up or ask for a break from seeing someone?
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 July 2014):
 Sounds like he found someone who wanted connection as much as he did. May they both live happily ever after!
My best friend from high school married 9 months after meeting her husband, and they dated for about 6 months until they married. They just passed the 20 year mark, but the first 5 years were pretty rocky because they didn't know each other like they should have.
Heh, reminds me of the old movie 7 Brides for 7 Brothers. Guy meets girl, married her the same day, and then took the time to fall in love with her.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 July 2014):
 The guys was obviously really KEEN on having a full time MATE, not just a GF.
6 months is way short, but who knows maybe he found one who was as needy as he was.
The thing is you two weren't a good fit, and that is OK. Doesn't mean the next guy (for you) will be or that the woman he married is a bad fit either.
Wish him well and move along.
Still think you did the right thing. You weren't as into him as he was into you.
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A
female
reader, Stephanie1901 +, writes (20 July 2014):
Stephanie1901 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know if anyone ever reads the follow ups on these posts but here goes...
I did end up breaking up with this man shortly after my first post. He was sad about it but said he understood.
I just found out from a mutual acquaintance that he got married last week! He met someone soon after we broke up and within 6 months they are married. I hope he's happy. He has a big heart and is a genuinely good person.
But wow, married 6 months after you meet someone seems very soon!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2013): He sure is manipulative and needy....is he related to my mother in law? Lol...sorry...Ok I think you need to not let him manipulate you anymore. Have a frank talk with him and tell him that you need a lot more space in this relationship. If he disagrees with that then there really is no point in delaying the break up by even one more day. He is a big boy he can deal with being dumped during the holidays. So many people have far worse problems than this and still manage to get through life. Make sure that you don't paint him as being in the wrong for being needy. There are people who need that level of constant contact all the time. My parents for example are very needy with each other but it is mutual so it works and neither feel suffocated. Just tell him that if you two cannot find a mutual comfort zone then you are just not compatible and he needs to find a woman who also wants and likes the constant contact.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 November 2013):
 There will NEVER be a good time to break up with this man.
IN fact, for YOU sooner rather than later is better.. and in the LONG run for him too... because the longer you drag this out the more guilt you will feel as he heaps his neediness on you....
He's a killer of his own relationships and you can do him a great service by being BLATANTLY honest with him about WHY you are breaking up with him. You may need to "Hit him over the head with a brick" so to speak to get him to see that his neediness is what drove you away.
You also may need to not only delete his info but you may need to BLOCK HIM on the phone, email and social media as I sense he will "stalk" you in a most annoying manner.... not that he would be DANGEROUS but it's possible that HIS WAY of processing the loss is to be up in your face for answers you will have already given him.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 November 2013):
 You may break up with him whenever you darn well please...
AND, his "birthday and holidays" B/S is just that... PLUS it's his attempt to lay a little guilt trip on you....
Look at it logically... you want to break things off with him... do so... and don't listen to him... and don't look back...
Clearly, he's not much of a "boyfriend" if he's as clingy, whiney and controlling as you describe..... so don't put angst on yourself for making the necessary break....
Good luck..
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 November 2013):
 Good for whom? The breaker-upper or the break-uppee? Obviously, for this guy, 'never' would be the good time for him.
Alas for him, the good time for you is…. now.
You're being emotionally blackmailed and the sooner you end things, the sooner he can move on. Postponing the split will ultimately be crueler, as he'll have more and more ammo to keep you on the guilt hook. The way he's got you convinced, you'll be in this relationship until at least Arbor Day.
Put on the big girl pants and just end it, swiftly and don't stick around to hold his hand. It's not pleasant to be rejected but it's even worse to be trapped in a relationship where you are simply going through the motions. He must be extremely desperate to tolerate that kind of thing. Perhaps this will help him with the next woman, he may learn a lesson, he may not.
Whatever happens, it is no longer your job to suck up the emotional blackmail he's dishing out.
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A
female
reader, Stephanie1901 +, writes (26 November 2013):
Stephanie1901 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all who posted so quickly. All of your advice is appreciated. And as someone pointed out we are in the 41-50 year old age range. You'd think I would have figured out dating by now but I find myself unsure of what to do.When we first met I was really clear to him upfront that I have a very busy life and not a lot of time to date but he wanted to anyway. I work 10 hours a day at my own business and volunteer once a week to a recovery group that helps alcoholics stay sober. I have two young children and shared custody with my ex-husband. I am not introducing my kids to a man who I'm dating until I know it's someone I will see long term. He knows I feel strongly about this and that I am only able to see him on nights or weekends they are at their dads.He says in his last relationship, which ended badly, one of his biggest complaints was that his ex always put him on the end of the list with her child, work and friends. I almost feel like it's a self fulfilling prophecy for him to have picked another busy woman to date. But it's not like I wasn't upfront with him about all that I have going on and he made a choice to see me anyway.It's too bad he can't ease off a bit but we've had this conversation several times. He's very handsome, funny, generous and kind. Quite a catch or so I thought when we met. He'll apologize and say he'll change but I really think he deserves to be with someone who has the time to see him and who likes all this never ending attention.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (26 November 2013):
 Now is as good a time as any. It's a birthday. They come every year. He's had plenty already and unless he suffers a sudden terminal illness or a freak accident, he'll have plenty more.
There is nothing so rare about a birthday, so wonderful about him or so awful about you that your life, or even your holidays, should be made miserable because of him.
He's clingy because he's lonely and he's lonely because he has a long history of exhausting the good will of others. Three months in and you're already sick to the eye teeth of him. You aren't the first and you won't be the last.
He's a con man and being nice and helpful is all part of the act. If he were nasty, you wouldn't have stuck around this long. His 'favours' are self serving. He helps in ways most convenient to him in an attempt to indebt and enslave others. He wants you to owe him and be dependent on him. He cuts corners and he's impatient. He's relying on your guilt, and not his good character and winning personality, to keep you around.
You've been direct and honest with him. You've been more than patient.
Why start the year with an awkward break up? Take care of unfinished business now and start the new year fresh.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 November 2013):
There is never a time like the present to dump this guy. He isn't for you. And it's not about his b-day or Christmas or whatnot, because then there is Easter and so forth.
It's NOT working for you, so end it. Or suck it up and deal with more of his crap.
Personally, I would just tell him it's not working for you then block his number.
I agree with YouWish that the direct approach is the best, however... I don't see the point in telling a guy (who I assume are in your 41-50) age group to change. It's not going to happen. He is not going to stop being clingy and annoying. THAT is who he is.
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A
male
reader, DKW  +, writes (26 November 2013):
I have been in your exact position before, and I made the wrong decision, I strung it out.
Take my advice now and end it. Now. He's a big boy, he will handle it. It is blatantly obvious that there is no future in this thing so look after yourself and finish it now.
Be strong and weather the storm of begging texts afterwards, you can do it.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 November 2013):
In this guy's case, why haven't you straight up told him that he was acting needy and clingy, and that you're having a hard time staying with him because of it? Sometimes the direct approach is the best approach.
If he still is oblivious after you making it painfully and completely obvious, then break up. Not "a break", but "this is the end" finality.
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A
female
reader, shna  +, writes (26 November 2013):
 Tough situation!!
I mean its sweet everything he was doing for you ! He was trying to show you he was happy to be your man while you were the damsel in distress needing things fixed around the house ! Cute !
But you know mabye its not that your gone off him per say ! You did say he just lost his job ! That can be hard for anyone the routine of work and then suddenly you have nothing to do .. And that nothing turns into days weeks months !! Thats why he is being a bit dependent on you !!
You seem like a strong dependent woman so if i were you mabye go to dinner with him and in the next conversation you have face to face start talking about jobs and finding him something to be excited about!
I think this factor could have been a large part of your problem mabye its gone to far now to fix it ... Im not sure ! Just do the dinner with him
To keep things all merry and then wait a week to break it off
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