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Is there anything wrong with fantasizing what your friends would be like in bed?

Tagged as: Friends, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 March 2019) 7 Answers - (Newest, 15 April 2019)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:


I want to ask a quick question (I'll try to keep it quick anyway)

Is there anything wrong with wondering what your friends are like in bed, or even fantasizing about such things when you're alone?

I love my partner and he satisfies me in ways I never thought possible, but sometimes I can't help but wonder what it would feel like to be with some of our friends. This has started cropping up since replacing my nexplanon implant, which is new for me (this is my 3rd implant and my first experience of these sorts of emotions.

Tia xx

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2019):

My wife let another guy's name slip during sex 10 years ago. An old girlfriend did the same. It's normal and healthy to fantasize. Helps to have an understanding husband like me. She's been openly doing it since, really makes her orgasms many and long.. which gets me off. I'm just happy I'm getting laid and pleasing her. Bonus points, when she's on top she calls me Linda. A little bit bi ish.

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A male reader, Pepi let pew Australia +, writes (29 March 2019):

Pepi let pew agony auntFantasising about other people is a normal part of sexual fantasies. I used to fantasize that my girlfriend would say to me.. Hay I have this friend and she's lonely and horny do you think if I brought her over you could help her out. And Id answer no honey I couldn't do that. That would be cheating. And she'd say no it's ok. But this was only in my head. It never really happened. I think if you are fantasising about your friends and masterbating there is no problem. As long as it stays as a fantasy. It only becomes an issue if you want to make the fantasy a reality.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2019):

As a human being it is certain that these thoughts will crop up. We live in a very sexualized society. Keep the sexual thoughts and fantasies for while you are having sex with your own boyfiend. You can even discuss with your boyfriend what thoughts and fantasies you are having about other men and ask your man for him to make love to you more often! Ask to to screw those other foreign ideas right out of your mind because he, your boyfiend, is the man you love and the man who you want inside you, giving you his all! I suggest that you avoid any references to cock sizes, because most every man will be sensative in that area! Guys just do not appreciate being made to feel that their penis is inferior in size or quality to any other mans penis. I warn you not to let your erotic talk fall in to the trap of wondering if another man, especially a friend, has a larger, longer, or thicker penis! You just do not want to go there! Trust me in this, if you let it go there, you will regret the aftermath of those words.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (18 March 2019):

Honeypie agony auntPersonally?

I'd shut those fantasies down. These are FRIENDS of yours. You want to put them in a sexual fantasy as a "stand in" for your partner (in a sense) to have some "mental images variety" in your.. well, "spank bank".

I can EASILY see how there can develop some interest in whomever you put INTO that fantasy and that again can lead down a road you don't want to go.

HOWEVER, I think fantasies (not just the sexual ones) are PRETTY normal. This is how actors and actresses gain a following. No one goes blind, deaf or dumb to attractive people just because they are in a committed relationship, it's WHAT they DO with this attraction that shows what kind of person they are.

Would you be OK with someone else using YOU as their sexual fantasy object and spank bank material?

Would you be OK with your PARTNER using your BEST friend as sexual fantasy object and spank bank material?

You say your BF fulfill your needs but My guess is these notions of using FRIENDS for sexual fantasies has cropped up for a reason. For one, you might have a higher drive than usual, ovulate more often which DEFINITELY gets the libido going - biologically... your are in your MOST fertile period thus biologically your BRAIN is sorting through AVAILABLE mates, which might be WHY you are subconsciously looking towards your male friends.

Are you in control of yourself or not?

Are you wanting some VARIETY (without cheating, thus thinking a fantasy will do)?

Are you attracted to your partner?

I think you just need to consider boundaries. Can you keep it at JUST that?

This is why I say I'd personally avoid "using" a friend as sexual fantasy fodder.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (18 March 2019):

chigirl agony auntNothing wrong with it, but be aware that you are very much in control of your attraction. By this I mean: you don't go blind when in a relationship, and it's healthy to accept this and being able to apprechiate ones sexuality and the looks and appearance of others. Ideas and fantasies are fine, indeed. Trying to deny it it would make your life difficult and fill you with unecessary guilt. However, just because you are curious or find someone else attractive, doesnt give you any right to develop feelings for them or actually cheat. Seems to me a lot of people are confused by this and have absolutely no self control, and think that just because they find someone else attractive, it means they should cheat on their partners or something. No! Finding others attractive, or being curious about how they are in bed, is a normal and healthy part of any sexuality. Humans aren't hardwired into monogomy, at least not most of us. But by being in a monogamous relationship, we agree to be faithful. So this is a choice we make. We're allowed to look and have fantasies, but not to act on it in real life. That's the agreement of a monogamous relationship.

If you find yourself thinking about someone too much, or dreaming of them constantly, or seeking them out and looking at them too much, then you're on a dangerous path. Having a glance is fine, developing a crush even is ok. But falling for them and obsessing over them is not ok. You will know yourself when you cross that line or get near it. If/when that happens, just take a step back and dont go anywhere near this person, or dont think about them again. Then your interest in them will fade again.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (18 March 2019):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntI think it's silly to say men and women can't stay platonic if they're heterosexual - are bisexual people supposed to be lonely? o_O

The thing is just that people have fantasies and they often include people we're friends with - that's life, regardless of gender or orientation. The majority of couples start off as friends anyway because you know each other well. You can't come and go from certain friends' lives each time you're in a relationship, just because they're the gender you're attracted to.

That said, being friends with anyone you're specifically sexually/romantically attracted to isn't wise, but we can have fantasies about people we'd never actually want to do anything with in real life.

Just keep the thoughts to yourself, don't entertain them as anything more than passing curiosities and don't cheat. Do those and you'll be fine :)

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (18 March 2019):

I guess this confirms why most experts claim that heterosexual men and women can't be 100% platonic-friends. One of the two will have sexual-attraction or fantasies for the other. There are factors that can lower these probabilities like age-gaps, unattractive physical-features, or certain attributes that lack sex-appeal.

You can't help what crosses your mind. Anything can cross your mind randomly. When your boss yells at you, it crosses your mind you'd like to clobber him or her with a hammer. It's only an instantaneous thought. A fantasy. It's just a built-in mechanism to ease tension and to subdue our vindictive instincts. Think-it, just don't do-it! Not to say the thought won't cross your mind on several future occasions. The mental-visual suffices. Fantasy keeps us from acting on bad impulses. We realize the consequences and judgement takes-over.

The problem is, if you dwell on such thoughts; they'll stay -put in your mind. Over-active hormones, loneliness, spitefulness, and other emotional-factors will start to unleash or activate your worst impulses. That's when you are likely to cross lines, or initiate inappropriate flirtations towards people. Each time you see that person, instant recall summons those fantasies.

Your moral-compass will remind you that crossing the line might compromise the friendship; and destroy any type of committed-relationship you happen to be in at the time.

It doesn't take long for over-indulged fantasies to develop into obsession. Then you can't purge those thoughts. That doesn't mean you can't control yourself. It's often the excuse people use; but the truth is, they don't want to.

Nowadays, people tend not to control their impulses very well. Mainly because constant exposure to porn, viral social media, and relaxed social-structure corrodes normal restraint and self-control. We're constantly influenced by people doing the outrageous or acting impulsively. We tend to follow the trends set by the majority. A laxed-society or uninhibited-culture breeds bad-manners, infidelity, and carelessness; which results in the loss of trust. So you have to keep your mind focused on your mate. That's the one you love. You'd hate knowing he's fantasizing about your sister or best-friend. These passing-thoughts happens to all of us, regardless of age.

Especially those in your age-group; due to hormones, feelings of entitlement, over-developed curiosity, and vivid imaginations. Youthful impetuousness. We learn to gauge and regulate these thoughts as we age.

You have to practice self-control when temptation or strong urges set-in; or those thoughts will take root.

Anyone who claims they have never fantasied about sex with a friend is a liar. It's just that we also have built-in mental-blockers and impulse-inhibitors that keep us from crossing boundaries of appropriateness; and behaving like lower animals. Like inhibiting fantasies about those related to us. We get a cringy-sickening feeling...thank God! Of course, you've got your freaks with whom anything goes! No filters or inhibitions!

The nexplanon implant may be causing some changes in menstrual periods, moodiness, or physical discomfort; but they don't have the "devil-made-me-do-it" side-effect you're attributing to it. It may even cause depression in some women. It won't make you horny.

You're very young, and what you're feeling is pretty common/normal. Just make sure you keep these thoughts to yourself, and don't act on them. It happens to everyone; but some don't hold-back. They do whatever crosses their minds. We shouldn't cheat psychologically; because too much daydreaming about sex with friends will only increase the thoughts. Eventually they will manifest in our actions or behavior. Lusting in the heart, as put in biblical-terms.

Distract yourself and avert your thoughts. It takes practice, but you should switch mental-images. Insert thoughts of your significant other where the friend's image appears in your thoughts. That's how we stay faithful and monogamous to those who are in-love with us. Trust is valuable, and we should cherish it.

"An idle-mind is the devil's workshop!" Busy yourself and look at pictures of your mate. Think of how you'd feel if you thought he fantasied about anybody but you on a regular basis! If it didn't happen with the other two implants, it's not the implant. You're just human!

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