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Is there anything wrong with a young woman having a "sugar daddy"?

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Question - (31 December 2010) 12 Answers - (Newest, 1 January 2011)
A male Canada age 26-29, *oung_and_confused writes:

Hi All,

I am a young guy still trying to figure out life and love. I am wondering if you all can give me your opinion on a girl I met.

I met this girl a few months back.She's gorgeous, a model, wants to be an actress.She's from Czech Republic.

I was surprised when I asked her out that she said yes.I am not ugly but not Brad Pitt to be sure. Also it was pretty amazing when I found out she did not have a boyfriend. I mean how could a girl this good looking not have a bf! But soon after I got to know her more I understood why was single and had been for many years.

You see, I learned that she has gotten by through life by having many sugar daddies.For those who do not know what this is, it is older men (not too old, necessarily, like 30s to 50s) who give her money in exchange for sex.She has no problem having numerous ongoing arrangements like this even at the same time. She has been doing this for years.

I broached the subject with her. She didnt want to talk about it at first but I persisted. She asked me why I thought it was a big deal. "I like them all, it is not like they are 80 years old, many are good looking."

I asked her if she felt used. She said she didn't,that she was getting something out of it, and the guy was getting something out of it too.

"Do you want a boyfriend?"

"Yes, but I have not met the right one yet. Maybe one day."

I assumed then I was not the one. She told me though she wanted to remain friends. "I like you very much," she said.

I came away very disturbed. Now i know some of you may thing I am really conservative. I'm not. I grew up in a normal family in Ontario, Canada. Maybe a little sheltered but not too much. I began wondering about whether what she was doing was wrong or not.I dont mean to say she is a bad person, but it is hard for me to be freinds with someone who has very different values than me....and like I said, I am trying to figure out if this fits in with my values. Also I am wondering if she is doing damage to herself.

So my questions to you are:

1)Is there anything wrong with what she does?

2) Will that have a bad effect on her personality?

3) Can she really have a normal relationship with anyone if she is so casual about this?

Again, this is not about judging her as much it is about understanding her.

Thanks for reading, I appreciate your input.

Tom

View related questions: money, older men

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A male reader, the_phoenic United Kingdom +, writes (1 January 2011):

it seems that there is a cultural gap between both of you and i feel that you are starting to like this girl more than a friend and this is the problem

because people tend to do what they are used to do

lets say she stopped her life style ,loved you

and was honest to you

geting out of your life and getting back again into her life style wont be a big deal because she is used to it !

Good Luck

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A female reader, birdynumnums Canada +, writes (1 January 2011):

birdynumnums agony auntBut if it were YOUR son; would you want you western son to fall in love with her? Or would you hope that your son would fall for "the girl next door". I'm not judging. I'm Just asking. And I think there are a lot of problems and hang ups that come with dating someone who has had to compartmentalize the most basic of female feelings; that of true love and giving yourself to the man that you are in love with. God only knows if she came from a background that also was abusive; as many women are who head into that territory. The help letters that we get here from women who HAVE been abused and get married and can't respond sexually with their own partners because of the emotional abuse is a pretty prevalent theme; and I can't imagine it's easier to be emotionally well balanced after having multiple sugar-daddies.

I just think that if you are looking for a long term relationship, you might find it easier to look elsewhere.

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A male reader, baddogbj China +, writes (1 January 2011):

baddogbj agony auntI know very well a number of girls like this one and no one should judge them until they understand their lives and the societies in which they live.

There are many but here is one story about one of my favourite people in the world: Xiao Qing was born the youngest daughter of poor Sichuan hill farmers. He mother was in her forties when she was born, her father went blind and her elder siblings moved away to work when she was young. She got 3 years education in a very basic school. She paid for school herself by cutting hay for the teacher. Aged 9 to 16 she worked the hill farm with her mother. They ate twice a day and meat once a month. She would steal eggs from neighbours and walk 7 miles to market to sell half a dozen eggs, enough to buy herself a comb or a handful of sweets once a month. More than 15 years later she can describe in complete detail every item of clothing that she owned until she was 18 because she had so few and they were so precious to her. She never owned a new item of clothing. At 16 she was raped by the son of the local party boss and she moved 1000 miles across the country to a new city on her own. She worked in a factory 11 hours a day for 5 years before finding a husband, getting married and having a daughter. She opened a small shop selling clothes, made money, opened a bigger one, lost money, found herself in debt. Her husband slept with her best friend. She walked out and went to Shanghai. She's very smart, she speaks 3 languages (Mandarin, Sichuanese and the Jiangxu dialect) but she reads and writes like someone with 3 years of education.

As a divorced woman of 32 with a 10 year old daughter and without even middle school education let alone university she doesn't have a hope of finding a good man to marry her and take care of her in China. HOWEVER she has ONE thing going for her in addition to her good brain, she looks AMAZING. She's perhaps 95 lbs perfectly put together and has a face that could easily grace the cover of a magazine. That is ALL she's got.

When she walked out on her cheating husband she found herself working as a call girl. Her first client was only the second man that she had ever had sex with (excluding the rape). She new it was wrong but it was exciting, 5 star hotels (with hot showers), men who were nice to her, more money in one hour than she earned in a month in the factory. She was able to live and she was able to pay her daughter's school fees and she was able to send money to her mother back in Sichuan. This lasted about 2 or 3 months until she came to an "arrangement" with a wealthy, married, man which has gone on now for more than 3 years. There's love between them but there's also an apartment and a car and a computer and foreign travel and new clothes and money to take care of her daughter and mother (and even her ex husbands parents) and there is money in the bank to take care of her when she is old. She's a girl on her own in the world, doing the best she can with what she's got and I see nothing wrong with that.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010):

Sorry I thought of that joke too, But.....

Let's just take a moment to recognise this Czech lady for a quality absent in so many of her 'Western' counterparts - Honesty!

I'm from England where I have found more than one woman who has pretended to love me, but the truth has a nasty habit of surfacing and later find out they really are only after one thing, MONEY!

I think if it's still possible to play down your monetary worth, you love her and she stays interested then so what? She did what she had to do in the situation she was in at the time. We don't know her name so I'll take the liberty of inserting a suitably Czech one;

When you say "Hi Mum, Hi Dad, I'd like you to meet Stefinika my girlfriend" you don't need to add "Who used to sleep with pervy old men for cash" i.e my assessment is it's only an ongoing problem if you make it one.

In direct answer to your questions:

1. I don't know, I think thats up to you and you alone but if yes then there is something wrong about a lot of women.

2&3. Possibly (2) But if she continually dwelled on it, beat her self up emotionally over it she would probably become somewhat recluse and the chances of answering yes to (3) would be that much more remote.

Footnote: No offense is in any way intended to the female population by this, I know there are some wonderful women out there too and I've just had some bad luck.... It's certainly not my intention to tar you with the same brush!

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A male reader, 1DrLove United States +, writes (31 December 2010):

European women are different and not as hung up on the sex act.

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A male reader, Illithid United States +, writes (31 December 2010):

Illithid agony auntShe uses her body to get what she wants. She treats sex like a currency. And she thinks of relationships as business deals. It doesn't mean she CAN'T eventually fall in love, but she doesn't sound like she's looking for what you are in life. Sex isn't a deeply intimate part of love for her, it's a source of income and a way to buy friends. If that makes her happy and she's comfortable with that lifestyle (and as long as she stays cute enough to pull it off) then that's her choice and it's alright for her. But you'll just be hurt if you try to pursue anything deep with her.

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A male reader, young_and_confused Canada +, writes (31 December 2010):

young_and_confused is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you....

any other opinions?

I appreciate them...

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A female reader, birdynumnums Canada +, writes (31 December 2010):

birdynumnums agony auntKind of reminds me of that old joke...

"Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?" "I guess so..." Guys hands girl $10 dollars... "What kind of a girl do you think I am?" she says. "We've already established that; Now we're just haggling over the price!" says the guy...

Well, let's put it another way. You like her. She's obviously attractive enough to be "well-paid". But, would you be proud enough to bring her home to meet your parents and explain all about her background to them? Probably not. This isn't an unusual background for a girl coming from Eastern Europe; lots of girls and women there are looking for a rich Westerner to save them from poverty - I've personally known one who befriended my husband's colleague and then caused his marriage (two children) to break up. But there are plenty of decent girls there who also DON'T depend on hand outs in order to live. Do I think that there is a correlation between what she has done to survive and her character; or lack thereof? Of course I do. Yeah, and I'm pretty sure your parents would agree. Sorry for the disappointing answer; but you don't get a sugar coating here from my perspective.

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A female reader, happy24birthday United States +, writes (31 December 2010):

happy24birthday agony auntIf you have to "figure out" if it fits in with your values, then it doesn't. It depends on whom you ask and at what level you want to know if what she does is wrong. God would say that it is def wrong, but many people living down here on earth would say it's ok. She clearly understands her role and has no problem with what she does. Like she said, she's getting something out of it, too. It will most def have an effect on her personality but not necessarily a bad one; it's hard for her to trust people... that will be the biggest hurdle. Yes, she can have a normal relationship with someone... she wants that very much. Being casual about her actions doesn't mean she can't be loving and committed to someone. Just think how many other guys have never even asked her out for the same reasons you almost didn't. A girl gets tired of that, and it's also very confusing. At the end of the day most of us just want to be loved, and she is no exception.

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A female reader, courtney24 United States +, writes (31 December 2010):

courtney24 agony auntwell it doesnt really make her a bad person, but i would say that a woman that had any self respect wouldnt do that. sounds to me she is dependent on others to take care of her. also sounds like money is her main priority.. high maintence in other words. i dont think she would be relationship material unless you are a millionaire because she is the type that only money can buy.. she may have good intentions but i would just keep her as a friend, and really see what she is about.

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A male reader, Normen Bates United States +, writes (31 December 2010):

Learning to use Men for money,cloths,gifts, etc is a little low, well, maybe really low. I don't know if that would necessarily make her a bad person, but you have to question the motives of someone who openly admits to using men,does she even like you or are you a potential "Sugar Daddy".

Can She Really have a Normal Relationship; Thats a great question and I think everyone is different and we shouldn't throw everyone into the same bag.

However, if she's spent the majority of her personal relationships with men using them doses she actually know how to treat a man in a committed relationship, and can her acquittance with these "Sugar Daddy's" eventually hinder a Boyfriend.

Men are extremely territorial and if some random 30year old man was giving my girlfriend money I'd be a little upset.

Me personally I'd avoid this girl, she sounds like a potential road to trouble. Women who use men for whatever they want aren't the type of girls I'd want to involve myself with.

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A female reader, Outspoken1016 United States +, writes (31 December 2010):

Outspoken1016 agony aunt1. It is not your place to judge her.

2. See number one

3. She could never have a "normal" relationship with you because you do not approve or accept her lifestyle.

You say your not judging her but you are. If you were not then there would no post, no confussion, just acceptance.

This woman has done what she needed to do in her life to make things work. There is prob a huge wall around her heart that would take a alot to break. She has prob had a rough life to which she will never admit. The best thing you could do if you want to stay in her life. Is a be a friend. Listen to her, do not tell her what to do seeing she is a grown woman. Accept her for all that she is or dont. That is your only choice!

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