A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I met this guy about three months ago. We got along so well, straight off the bat, and we've both admitted to each other, that we find the other hot. We used to flirt all the time, but whenever the conversation got deeper, he shut off. He even mentioned that he wants me to come stay for a while with him when he's back at university, and his university is a three hour drive away, and he specified we'd be sharing the same bed.I drunk dialled him a couple weeks ago and told him that I have feelings for him, and he said, 'D, you're drunk. Go to bed'. After that, my phone broke and I don't have facebook, he doesn't know exactly where I live, so we didn't talk or see each other for about three weeks.I went to a nightclub with my best friend a couple nights back, and he was there. As soon as he saw me, his face lit up. He was on his way out for a cig, so I just waved as he went past, and he grabbed my hand, laced our fingers and gave it a squeeze, all the while still smiling and looking me in the eyes. All night I kept catching him looking over at me.Later on, I was talking to our mutual friend when he came over, and I said, "Are you gonna talk to me now?" and he went with me to a quieter/more private place. I said to him that if he didn't feel the same way, it was fine. I wanted him to know I wasn't gonna fall out with him if he didn't feel the same way, that above everything else, I still wanted us to be friends, and I would genuinely be fine with that. We were both very drunk at this point, I should probably point out. He was shaking his head, so I said, 'If you don't fancy me, it's not the end of the world, you know?', and he said, 'No, that's not it', but then we got interrupted. A couple minutes later my best friend asked if I wanted to go to mcdonalds, so we left, and half an hour later the club closed. Obviously, I have no way to contact him, and I'm so confused about what's happened.I'm confused cause I think if he did feel the same, surely he would have said when he saw me.I'm confused because I don't know what he meant when he said 'that isn't it'. Does he mean it's not that he doesn't fancy me or what? And finally, is there any point in pursuing a relationship with him, or should I just take the hint and not try to be anything more than friends?
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female
reader, Mistresskiki +, writes (27 July 2014):
Could he be in a committed relationship and, while he probably does fancy the pants off you, doesn't feel as though it could be anything more than a friendship?
The whole sharing a bed thing sounds like a code for 'shagging the bejeesus out of each other', but at the same time there is something fairly big which is stopping him acting on those crazy hormonal feelings. It isn't a case of not having time because of studying, it is something much more fundamental.
I hate to say this but this sounds like a heap of trouble and you might be best not seeing him, unless you can get some clear answers from him.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 July 2014):
 Pardon the bluntness, but personally I think you should not even bother to be friends with him, not because he's a bad guy, but because a guy who invites you to come an join him for a while, and share his bed- it's not friendship and deep convos he's after . I am pretty sure he's got all the friends hi social life can accomodate, and that he does not choose his friends based on how "hot " they are. Hot is for sex, not for talking philosophy together.
IMO that's another case of a girl who is confused because she wants to be confused, I.e. she badly wants to find hidden meanings in a clear cut situation.
The guy finds you hot, finds you attractive, if YOU go through the trouble of driving 3 hours to share his bed , he won't chase you away with a stick. I am not saying he is a brute, and I am not saying that you are not a personable girl , so I do not exclude at all that he also likes your occasional companionship and hanging out with you. He just does not want to date you, he does not want to have the consistent, romantic relationship that you have in mind.
That's what " it's not it " means, it's not that he does not like you - he likes you, but not in the way you want to be liked by him. You were sort of pressuring him to say " I don't fancy you ", but first, technically it's not the truth, second, why , even drunk, he should be so dumb to preclude himself the chance of getting into your pants ?
You see just two possibilities : platonic friends
( which, trust me, he does not give a hoot about, particularly from a 3 hour distance ) or , relationship-y romantic feelings.
It is obvious to me that he sees it more nuanced with other enticing possibilities in between :). And that, if you had not ben interrupted, he was most probably going to give you the spiel " It's just that right now I am not ready for a relationship ... " or " I fancy you but I am focused on my studies " blah bla blah.
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