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rhythmandblues2
writes:Do I have any hopes of rekindling a romance with this guy even after he claims to be engaged? This much younger man and I grew attached to each other through work for a period of about 9 weeks, we ended up together a couple of times after he quit, he asked me for drinks, and I ended up sleeping with him, I kinda pushed him away, scared of our age differences and he called a girl up he had known for 6 years and began a relationship with her in 1 week after we slept together...he quickly moved in with her, and within 2 months and after 1 week of my making a joke with him about when was he getting married, he announces to his friends, but not his family that they were engaged..it has been about 6 months now, and I finally contacted him about returning a valuable item of his that he never called me to retrieve...I offered to sell it for him, and then he said he would take me to dinner "if I could handle that". He said they were getting married next fall, and that his fiance graduates from nursing school in December...I called his phone last week, but did not leave a message after he did not answer...He called 2 and a half hours later while I was at the gym and left a very bouncy greeting that he was back in town (he works in construction) and that he was returning my call and wanted to see what I was doing. I never returned his call and that was last Thursday....do you think he may still have feelings for me? He basically did "no contact" after I joked about the marriage thing, and it is not like we really dated, but I really fell for him, and think of him a lot, miss him, feel we have a deep connection, and I even broke up with the guy I dated during this time because that type of connection was missing... I don't know what to do or if it would hurt my chances to tell him how I feel about him, or just resign myself to the fact that I cannot compete with a 24 year old girl (she is pretty) and it is not my style to do that anyway,....I am just sad for me, that I can't have him at least for awhile so I could know whether or not this is real or just my mid life crisis talking....any ideas out there?
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female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (10 November 2006):
rhythmandblues2 is verified as being by the original poster of the question One should never enter a potential love relationship feeling doubtful like this? If I could figure out how to do that then this site would not even exist would it? I just wish I did not feel I am being punished because I loved, he just did not behave the way I hoped he would when I pushed him away, I wanted him to be strong and correct my fears and he did not do that, he ran and he ran quickly to her and flaunted her in my face at a happy hour one week after our affair had just begun and still I tried to stay connected and he ran some more so I said fine you go it is OK, I am too old for you anyway, so he did he went and he has had no contact with me all the while he was with her...and he is getting married to her supposedly and I feel punished, and the sad thing is he began the attraction, he pursued me and got me to the point of vulnerability and he did ask me what I envisioned for us, he asked me what I was thinking, and I did not handle it right at all and I pushed him back because I was not ready to have that conversation, and I think I really hurt his pride, and now I am being punished, maybe by the universe if not him...I don't usually act like this, I usually can easily move on, but I care about this one, and I even think he is making a mistake marrying this girl because she uses drugs and enables him with his problem, when I and everyone else is tryingn to get him into recovery, but he claims he has quit because everyone is telling him to stop...I sure hope so, so you see there is another whole level to this that I can't fix....still I feel kind of to blame for pushing him to her...don't know how to clean up this mess, because it is too late, it is already set in motion to an irrevocable destiny...
A
female
reader, Irish49  + ♥, writes (9 November 2006):
 You mention a whack of reasons as to why you felt this need, to push him away in the first place. I am sorry your own 'doubts and precautions' made you feel you had to do this. Because doing this backfired. One should never go into a love relationship with a potential beloved, feeling as unsure and doubtful like this. Perhaps, one could've just taken every wonderful moment with this man and said, "I'm deserving of him and he is deserving of me--I'm going for it!" No games, no pretenses..just a lot of good lovin! :)It sounds like your issues were just yours and yours alone. This is why people need to be baggage-free and practise self-love before venturing into any potential love relationships. In order for him to have believed in you, you had to believe in yourself and should have realized that the age gap may well have not have mattered to him. Basically you didn't give yourself enough credit for being this amazing, wonderful woman that he could grow to appreciate and love. Sometimes, us older gals do this...we cut off our nose to spite our face. I learned the hard way, too. I have a younger man in my life and he's incredible. He's never been married, never had children but one thing I did was I did not assume, that he wanted a young wife and kids. In the beginning..I asked him, outright and we discussed it. He assured me he is where he wants to be and we take it, just one glorious day at a time. Next time an opportunity comes up like this, dear with another great guy...you grab it and hold onto it. Stop shortchanging your path to happiness by thinking this and that and everything else in between. Just take the risk, be confident, step out and have a blast. Life is too darned short not to. Good luck and I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (9 November 2006):
rhythmandblues2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Irish,
Thanks for expressing your opinions, but I hate to tell you I am the least ego driven person you'd ever come accross, in fact I worry a lot about whether or not a person I am taken with will love me back or if I have what they need from me....I was not playing mind games with him when we first got together, I was cautious because 1. he is 17 years younger than I am 2. He was thinking of moving out of state in 3 short months with his brother, 3. I was afraid I was too old for him and could not offer him children, 4. I really fell for him and was protecting my own heart from further hurt, as I have been badly hurt before...I have never been married or divorced and want to be married to someone who truly wants me for me, not my money or anything like that....He has a fiance, and yeah you are right he is not running back to me, but I told him when he started up with her that it was OK, I was too old for him anyway, I sort of thought by pushing him to her that he would have to decide between us, but he just seemed to be mad and had no contact with me for months..so I screwed that up I guess
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A
female
reader, Irish49 + ♥, writes (9 November 2006):
To me, men and women are not different when it comes to feelings of love and devotedness to each other. If a man truely, truely wanted to be with a woman...he will be with her. Plain and simple. Men go after what they want. And if you have given him any clues that you may be interested again, I would think the fiancee would be gone and he's be coming after you. He's not doing this, is he? It sounds like maybe you're a bit ego driven here. 'Itmustbesaid' is right. You are playing midgames...before you did it and he found someone else. Now you are at it again. So stop playing games to make 'you feel good'..this is where your ego is coming into play. What you are doing is unfair to him and his fiancee. Resign yourself to the fact, he made a choice and leave him alone. Go create your own happiness with someone else. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Itmustbesaid +, writes (8 November 2006):
Men and women are so different in many ways, but sometimes we are the same. Every once in a while a man wants to feel wanted and needed. I agree with Irish49 when she says that he is amused by your attention but I don't necessarily agree with the thinking of he had feeling for you he would be by your side right now instead of with her. Sometimes men settle for what they can get because they can't get what they really want. I hate to say this to you though but "It must be said" it sounds to me like you were somewhat playing games with him, the not answering calls and the pushing him away put you in this position. You say you wish you had a little bit of time with him to see if this is real or not, I say if you have that question it probably isn't real. Midlife crisis no, confusion yes, let the man be and if he wants to be with you he will make a move, but make sure its for love not sex. Men are also notorious for that.
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A
female
reader, Irish49 + ♥, writes (8 November 2006):
Well hun, this is not a mid-life crisis but it is denial-which is a dominanting factor with your dilemma. You ask .."because he called you..does he have feelings for you?" My answer is no. A phone call does not bespeak endearing love for a person. Friendship, perhaps? The reality is: If he had feelings for you, wouldn't he be by your side right now, as we speak? Personally, to me, I think he's amused with your attentions. So don't make much of what he's doing. dear. Rational thought and clear thinking is required here. He's engaged to another woman which means he's in love with her. Dear, you have no choice here..muster up your courage, your pride, your dignity and your smarts...you need to step back, stay out of this and cut all contact with him.
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