A
female
age
36-40,
*omanilove
writes:I am concerned that the guy I met online and I am currently dating is possibly a sex addict! I've ignored some obscenities and red flags but now I am confused!!! I like him very much but I can't help but to be concerned with his preoccupation with sex during the early stages of dating. He is the first man Ive ever dated that I met via the internet. I am 27 and he is 32. Ill give a little background first as sometimes the details are really important! Sorry if its a little raunchy.A little background: He friended me on FB many months ago through a mutual friend (they themselves are loose acquaintances). I did not pay any mind to him because I was in a relationship and I hadn't considered online dating.I noticed he friended my other attractive friend as well. He would like our posts and we found it a bit odd since we never actually met. Eventually he unfriended me (I found out the reason months down the line). During this entire time he would comment and like my other friends post on her Instagram (he never met her)Fast forward to this December, he added me as a friend again on fb and apologized if he came on too strong. He explained he found me attractive and had just wanted to have a conversation with me. Eventually he gave me his number and asked me if I wanted to talk. I ignored his suggestion and continued about my life . He then became rather persistent in letting me give him a chance and that he is a nice guy blah blah blah. He is incredibly well spoken and has a way with words. He is also very attractive. Eventually I gave in and texted him (not revealing it was me) and he asked for a photo. I found it strange and I stopped texting right away. He continued to persist via messages on FB and a week later I texted him again. It was clear that night that he was drunk. Eventually he said he wanted to take me to dinner and then he said I love you , cum, I'm cuming. I was so turned off and disgusted I told him off. I blocked him on social media and also blocked his phone calls. Via text, he apologized profusely and explained he was drunk and that he was confused about who it was and to please not judge him on that error. I should have probably stopped talking to him at that point, but I did not. I texted him days later and eventually we spoke about what happened. we had enjoyable phone conversations and eventually met in person. The date went well. Except he texted me and said "i love you". Again that made me severely uncomfortable and I told him that it couldn't be possible and he said he was tired and was a bit buzzed from the drinks we had and he felt vulnerable and he said it to me. We spoke about it and he has not repeated it since. We continued to have enjoyable phone conversations after and met for a second date. I visited him at home because he had injured his back . We had some heavy making out and he tried to take things further but I declined and he accepted. Our third date was spectacular. we both laugh together and there is a palpable mutual connection and chemistry between us. However last night, he asked if he could send me a naughty pic and I said lets see. ( I had sent him a photo of me in a bra and underwear a few days ago). He sent me 2 photos of his privates and then asked if we could FaceTime while he masturbated. I declined. He then asked for help and I sent him another photo of me in a bra and underwear. He then sent me a 2 second video of him masturbating and asked me for nude photo or a video. I declined and abruptly said "goodnight". He then sensed he took it too far and said he was sorry and that he wanted me to understand I mean a lot to him and he is sorry if the way things transpired made me feel differently. He explained he isn't after me solely for sex but that he really likes me. On our 4th date, I am meeting his friends and will probably be most convenient for me to sleep at his house. He called me last night and explained that one thing might lead to another and did I think it was a better idea if we hold off on sex . I said yes I wanted to hold off and he jokingly added was oral sex a possibility and I said i didn't know. He said sometimes sex changes things and that as a guy he would just be more into me after but that he doesn't mind if sex is something that happens down the line. I don't know what to make of this. Two of my friends that know the entire story think it isn't a big deal, and the other 2 that don't know the entire story think he is a creep! Help!
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bra , drunk, I love you, met online, oral sex, sex addict, text, the internet, underwear Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2014): He's not a creep nor a sex addict (you didn't really indicate what makes him a sex addict?)
He's just a complete moron!
Stop waisting your time with this guy!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2014): Why on earth do people send photos and videos of themselves in their underwear or nude, and doing sexual acts?. Those photos and videos could end up anywhere!. And people can regret sending them. I have a boyfriend, but we never do that!.
I think this guy is creepy and disgusting. I think you should stop seeing him. I also think you have started being sexual together way too soon. You hardly know the man.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (1 February 2014):
 My further input would be to take it slowly with this guy, really. There's no need to spend the night at his house for "convenience" sake - you are putting yourself in a position where things WILL get more sexual. Then, if you are like most women, you will get more attached. And after just 3 dates, you just don't know him well enough to judge whether he's a smooth (or not so smooth at times) talker, or someone genuinely looking for a relationship. I assume you're looking for a relationship: if you're happy with a fling I suppose none of what I've said matters.
If you are looking for a genuine connection, just slow down, there's no rush. Sure, go to his house and meet his friends but book a taxi for a set time or arrange for someone to pick you up. You can't shove the red flags under the carpet at this very early stage without risking getting burnt. Again, only 3 dates - it's very early days, and the phone calls and texts, nice as they are, shouldn't be an excuse or reason to fast forward the pace of the 'relationship' to sleepovers.
I say all this based on my own experiences of meeting people online, and just add that he could be sexting and chatting with many women from Facebook at this stage, even meeting them for dates (remember he claimed he'd got you confused with someone else after one lewd message). Oh and he gets drunk too often.. Just be careful.
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A
female
reader, Romanilove +, writes (1 February 2014):
Romanilove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionId like to thank everyone for their feedback. I'd also like to clarify a few things.
The reason I am I on the fence on his behavior is because we have been very open regarding every aspect of our lives. We've discussed our childhood traumas, past failed relationships and other aspects of ourselves. We have managed to go from very deep conversations to very light conversations and over all he is very well spoken and conveys a caring attitude.
He is a very open and goofy guy and I haven't felt disrespected by his behavior in person. His sexting behavior is a bit hypersexual for the early stages of dating ( for my taste) but he also explained to me he was in an LDR and many times him and his ex would share intimacy in these ways. So perhaps to him this may feel as an acceptable sexual outlet. I have told him my boundaries after the video incident and he agreed to stay within these boundaries.
He also calls me every day and texts me throughout the day. He is very attentive to my moods and feelings and proved a good listener and given me decent advice when I had an argument with a family member. Also, he voluntarily lets me know when he is out with friends and when he returns. There is very good communication on both of our ends. He doesn't only display negative qualities.
It just seems like an attractive guy wouldn't put in so much work just for sex when he can probably easily get it elsewhere.
All this said, I thank everyone again for your advice and if there is any further input i would love to hear it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2014): I don't think he is a creep, tell you the truth. He is just another guy who can't wait to get in your pants. He is acting in this manner because this is all he wants. I don't really understand why you sent him your pictures. All he talks about is sex, all his behavIour is toward sex.He bullshits you all the time with this I love you nonsense. At your age you should know better. It's not like you are a silly teenager. What guy who wants a relationship with a girl sends her pictures of his private parts hardly knowing that girl?It's an obvious case of a guy just wanting sex. There is nothing more to it. Sex addict is a completely different story, read more on it. Few years ago I met this guy on a beach. We exchanged phone numbers and met for a date the same day. Within a few minutes he started touching me. I went to the bathroom and never came back. Why I am describing this particular incident is that I never met anyone after this guy who with minutes of our date started sexual advances. Usualy it takes at least a full date and then may be at the end an attempt for a kiss.Your guy started sex talk before you guys even met in person. Didn't it tell you something?
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (1 February 2014):
You're ignoring red flags (why?) and now putting yourself in a position where you're likely to have sex, or at least oral sex. Why? If you're concerned that he is just after sex (which I think he is), isn't it better to stay away from each other's bedrooms? If he's still interested when you don't send naughty pics or have sex/ getting off sessions with him, you'll know whether he is interested in just sex or in you as a person.
I agree with the 2 friends who think he is a creep, although you're encouraging his creepy behaviour by sending him photos of yourself. Just be sensible, and good luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2014): Personally I wouldn't go anywhere near his house with his friends there, as he is the type of idiot to want to pass you around to them to sexually abuse.
Would actually like people like him banned from social media, he is not even good at being a sexual predator as keeps screwing even that up, he sounds boring, dull, unimaginative and I can't see any reason to waste one more minute of your time with him, it makes me really sad to think of all the great guys your missing out on.
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A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (31 January 2014):
 Here is how I see things: you are shy, but you like to play with fire. It's exciting you, at a point you have sent pictures of you 90% nude (excuse-me, but to be in bra or not wearing anything is not so different) fully knowingly this guy would masturbate to your image (if not ON your image).
Frankly speaking, you are not looking for a good person and a serious relationship, you are just too well educated to confess yourself you are craving for an energetic romp, don't you ?
That said, cut any link with this caveman, or take your responsibilities whatever may happen.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (31 January 2014):
Dear OP,
My experience is that there are a few men who will just say (and even make themselves believe) ANYTHING to get into a woman's pants.
You are currently dating one.
It didn't work out with your friend who he approached first, so he re-friended you on facebook and pretended to care about you.. who he actually didn't really know at that time. He makes the most stupid excuses and most pathetic advances I've ever read on this site and it makes me sad you actually believe he means any of this. He is randomly saying whatever he thinks you need to hear in order to go home with him. That's why it's all so confusing.
He will be more into you after sex.. come on! This is a whole new level of lame.. a guy who comes up with this and sends videos of his masturbation sessions.. even if you were horny as hell and all you wanted was sex, I'd recommend you find someone else. Because all this guy thinks about is himself and his little friend. He won't be worth the experience. He'll probably invite you and then whine and nag until you give him at least a blow-job before you go home. It's going to be humiliating and zero pleasure. I sadly know this kind of guy and it always turns out disappointing.
And to your friends who don't think his behavior is a big deal - tell me where they live and I will send a copy of "He's just not that into you".
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A
female
reader, queenadelaide +, writes (31 January 2014):
He sounds desperate and yes creepy.
He's said he loves you twice. And you hardly know him!
Also, what happened to romance, sending him naked pictures before he's seen you naked in person. Each to his own but in my opinion, that definitely leads you down the sex with benefits route.
Don't have anymore sexting until you're sure that he also wants a relationship and that he's stable.
Unless ofcourse, you don't mind what sort of relationship you have.
I'm not against early sex in a relationship. On the contrary, this is how I started my relationship. But the difference is, I was ok with whatever happened and I asked him directly what he wanted in his life at that point. Sex didn't make or break us.
However, had I expected a relationship and had sex without finding out what he wanted, I would have been a bit hurt. See where I'm going?
Your guy does not sound stable, nor does he sound serious. If you're happy to casually have sex with an unstable carry on talking to him.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (31 January 2014):
“I've ignored some obscenities and red flags”
I you are putting yourself into this situation after you have ignored your own advice, how are we going to help you?? Your own senses are warning you already, but you still want a relationship.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (31 January 2014):
You sound way too smart to be dating this guy. He may genuinely like you, but the incompatibility is clear as day.
I'm by no means uptight but if I met a woman who acted even remotely like him I would run far away unless I was only interested in sex. But a relationship would be completely out of the question.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (31 January 2014):
 I don't know if he is a sex addict or not, but it seems like he has no respect for you (as a person) or boundaries (for what is OK and not OK in the early stages of a relationship).
The fact that you "let" him get away with it and keep in contact will most likely only make him escalate his push for all things sexual with you.
He liked how you looked and wanted to have sex with you. THAT was his primary goal from the get go.
Why you are ignoring all the alarm bells about this guy is kind of beyond me.
I DO think he is creepy and utterly disgusting. I'm sorry, dick pics and videos of him jacking off (for me) is a TOTAL turn off. To ME it seems like you could just as well be a blow up doll.
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