A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Is this a real break-up or a stalemate?I have been in a relationship for 6 years with a woman that I'm inexplicably just drawn to. I love her and I believe we have always had a mutual attraction. We've been content not getting married until kids are grown but other than separate houses, we're as close as can possibly be.However, we have fought often and to make it worse, we seem to not only have a problem with fighting, but also a problem with HOW we fight. A repetitive pattern in our fights is that she threatens to end the relationship. I can't even begin to count the number of times in the last six years she has told me, after a fight, that she is breaking up. Almost without exception, after hearing this from her, I go into "save the relationship" mode. I call her or go see her, we slowly talk it out (sometimes over a couple days) and then we get back to being us again. On average, this probably occurs every other month, sometimes about once a month. I'm always the one who makes the effort to save the relationship, I'm always the one to "fix" it. I realize she knows I'm going to do that so she's not afraid to make the threat but I also believe she truly means it each time she says it.So recently (about a week ago) we had a disagreement, she said she's truly done with the relationship this time, doesn't want it anymore, doesn't want to fix it, it's toxic, we just need to move on. I spend the whole day talking to her about how I don't think giving up on what is an otherwise great relationship is the way to handle it; I say we get rid of that problem that plagues us rather than getting rid of the relationship. She insisted it was over. However, by the end of the day things seemed better and by the weekend we were seemingly us again.On Sunday we have another argument and she starts in again about how she wants to break up. So this time I just said, "You're right, we're never going to change, and I'm not going to fight for us this time. So I agree, this needs to end." And I left.I didn't hear from her until yesterday and she sent me a text basically saying she loves me, it has been a great run, but she thinks it's time to move on. I respond and say, "Like I said Sunday, I agree it's time to end this."Since then we haven't talked. We're on a group text about a relay race we're running with other people soon and she chats in that group like nothing has changed. She still has the picture of us two on her Facebook profile. Basically nothing has changed except we aren't talking and we've "agreed" we are breaking up.So my question is whether this is a real breakup this time or is it a stalemate with both of us refusing to be the one who tries to save it? I'd love for her to make the effort this time and I don't truly want the relationship to end, but I'm willing to let it go if she doesn't make the effort this time.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 April 2017):
 Threatening the end off a relationship once a month is mayhem. It sounds so toxic that you are torturing yourself. I think you both need a break from each other, concentrate on yourself and your own mental health. Being knocked back so many times sounds exhausting and cruel. I think breaking up is for the best, you are not compatible and you are allowing to break each other down.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2017): Toxic-relationships usually go around and around in an endless cycle of breakups and makeups.
You're addicted to each other and thrive on the drama. You think your passive-aggressive behavior towards addressing a problem helps; but it really only fans the flames. Kissing her ass when she is behaving badly is only enabling her; and being submissive during a confrontation is encouraging her to show more aggression to get her way.
You need to get away from each other. Your addiction to her toxic-personality is exactly as your therapist describes it. You are afraid of abandonment. You will go through hell and bury yourself in denial to stay there. You dismiss the aggressive exchanges; because you like the sex, and you have fun now and then. That's not a relationship. It's a nasty codependency that is destroying you both emotionally.
You are only over-appreciating the few times there's peace; and love shouldn't cost so much. You fight so much, you enjoy short periods of getting along; because your addiction to dopamine is out of control. It makes you both irrational.
For the sake of your mental-health, and because the toxicity will spiral into violence. You best get out of it, and stay out of it.
Fighting is aggressive behavior, and tempers get out of control. Frustration eventually leads to rage, which results in some form of violence. Verbal-abuse is how it starts, and hitting will usually find it's way in. I am certain things have been smashed, doors have been slammed, and vicious comments are exchanged. You're mistaking this for passion; but it's the wrong kind!
I suggest you see this as your final exit, and escape while the opportunity is here. Of course she's going to plead and put on a performance to get you back.
Your toxic-relationship survives on anger and conflict; and without you there, she goes into withdrawal. You'll miss the sex and let the "smaller-head" override your common-sense.
Awful outcomes are usually what finally bring toxic-relationships to an abrupt or lethal ending.
You're in counseling and learning to manage your anger under volatile situations. Everyone has a breaking-point. I suggest you stick with your counseling. These types of relationships leave deep emotional scars. Ask your therapist. You can't maintain it all by yourself, it takes two working together.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 April 2017):
 Keep working on you. While I DO think couples therapy could help the pair of you, you can ONLY "fix" your own issues. You can not "fix" hers.
I'd give her a few days to think on things as you should as well.
It's great that she misses you but it's NOT an indication that she WANTS to work on things between you two. It's more a statement of facts than anything deeper.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the answers, this is constantly on mind so getting your viewpoints are helpful.There is definitely a pattern and we've basically always agreed that it's a personality conflict between us that leads to the fights. My psychologist (she won't agree to couples counseling so I go alone) says I have a subconscious fear of abandonment and she has a subconscious fear of intimacy and perceives efforts to talk about problems as a confrontation. So when we have a disagreement I get worried about losing her approval (says my doctor) and that causes me to pursue her to "fix" the problem so that we can get past it and ease my worries. Meanwhile, when there is a disagreement she wants to avoid talking about it because she perceives that as being confrontational. So I try to talk, she runs away, I chase harder, she feels cornered, and a minor disagreement can escalate to a fight about fighting.Because of what I have learned through therapy, I have drastically changed the way I approach things. I use words that aren't confrontational (instead of saying, "Why are you looking at me like that?" I say things like, "I feel like I'm annoying you") and that has helped some. I have also stopped pushing her to talk to me when we are disagreeing and give her time to cool off or whatever before we talk about problems. I've become very aware of how I contribute to the cycle and try to avoid it. Unfortunately, I sometimes drop the ball and that's usually when a fight starts snowballing. She acknowledges that she is hard-headed and that it's not fair or healthy for her to shut down on me and threaten to break up but that's her default mode when she is felling confronted. However, she views it as mostly a problem of mine and if I try to talk to her about what my therapist says is hamstringing us she gets mad and accuses me of plotting with my therapist to blame it all on her.It's all problematic, which is something she uses to justify each break up ("Relationships shouldn't be this hard so it means we aren't meant to be.") But while I HATE the way we fight, I love her otherwise. We have amazing times together when we're not fighting and we have a mutual attraction and amazing sexual chemistry even after six years. I love everything about her except the way we fight, which is why I always keep trying to change the way we fight instead of trashing the relationship.With all of that being said, I feel like I'm giving up. I would put my full effort back into it immediately if I thought she would too but I feel like I'm the only one ever trying and I'm just burned out. This is the first time I have ever agreed that we need to end the relationship. I haven't texted or called her since the breakup. She just now texted me to say, "I hope you know I have missed your face, your voice, and you." I haven't responded and I'm torn about whether I should. I think we could get through it again if I responded but then I think we'll just be in the same spot in a few weeks or months. I'm inclined to just ignore it although I know that will be offensive to her and if she is trying to reach out in her way, she'll get mad that I don't respond and it may cause her hard headedness to clam up and convince herself we really do need to be broken up. I guess what I'm saying is I don't want the relationship to end and don't want to miss the chance to save what is otherwise a great thing, but I also don't want the relationship to continue as-is.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 April 2017):
You know, it does sound toxic.
I think the pattern you two have had of HER claiming she wants to end it and YOU jumping into "saving" it - is a pattern but it isn't actually fixing anything. You two keep having fights that LEAD to her not wanting to deal with YOU and the relationship - thus threatened to break up - BUT do you two even SORT out what you fought/fight over? It seems like it's a never-ending cycle of just dysfunction.
What exactly is it that you fight over? Is it close to being the "same" issue over and over in a variation? Or new things every time?
Personally, I would NOT be with a person who every time there is a fight is ready to run - to throw the "baby out with the bathwater". She relies on YOU sucking up (I'm guessing) and YOU to find compromises, YOU to do the work. A relationship is made up of 2 people, which means BOTH should WANT to make it work - she doesn't.
At some point, YOU have to accept that you can't "save" a relationship and maintain it BY yourself.
I suggest not BEING so available to her. You can still be polite etc. when meeting her with the running group, but other than that? I'd stop the contact. You try to work through (by yourself) WHAT these fights were/are really about and let her have to time and distance from you. IF she REALLY doesn't want to be with you then WHY beat the dead horse? And if she DOES want to be with it, maybe this time she needs to put in the work.
You know, I have been with my husband for over 20 years and there have NEVER been threats of divorce or leaving. We have had issues and we have WORKED through them AS A COUPLE. THAT is why we are still together. We MAKE it work. A relationship takes effort from BOTH people in it.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (6 April 2017):
 It takes two (at least) to have an argument. You should examine the root of these disagreements, and both address that.
Some couples thrive on this pulling apart and coming together again. If that isn't your style then what is setting off these storms?
Is it possible that female hormones are to blame? Is it stress from work? It could be so many things. See if there is a pattern.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2017): I'm sorry to have to say this, but I've been in your situation once before, and all I did was prolong the pain by remaining in a relationship that had long since run its course. It sounds like yours has also become one-sided and toxic due to the multiple breakups. Obviously there's an underlying reason as to why your girlfriend is willing to throw in the towel so easily. Whatever that is doesn't really matter at this point. What does matter is how willing are you to continue through the endless cycle of breaking up and then making up. I would have suggested couple counselling if the two of you were still together, however since the two of you are no longer together I'd suggest that you move on.
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